Me no likum horse, either.
What’s this “WE” shit, white man?
One is a bunch of cunning runts…
“if not pull it 100 times”
“hair lip hair lip”
“you guys all on the same team”
“The conductor came to my house!?!”
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
“He won’t tell me which one!”
“Do you realize how many violists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”
“You have a drink named Frank”.
“He would have lived if you hadn’t gutted him first.”
One’s a phony buck.
“Panda: Eats shoots and leaves”
That was no woman, that was my wife.
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
“We both have parachutes. Einstein took my knapsack.”
The other one is a lawyer.
At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.
A shitty way to spend Easter.
There was a face off in the corner.
Porridge.
I thought she wanted it that way!
Whatever He wants, He’ll keep.
We’ve never had a lawyer up here before.
Snowballs.
“Nope. But it sure keeps you from lickin’ 'em.”
And the way I’ve always heard it is:
“Do you think I wished for a 12” pianist?!"
Well, we’re not all that welcome at Sam’s wholesale club anymore either!
…so they can stick it in anywhere.
Let’s be honest, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting now do you?
Yes I do, now we’re just arguing about the price.
“Paint my house”
“So I did”
I can’t belive you took every one I was thinking of. Have you been following me around?
Okay…ummm…the only one I have left:
Fish
Elvis Parsley.
Don’t tell me you have golf clubs in there!
Moo!
But he only knows “Scotland the Brave”.
Okay, now what?
No, but really s-m-a-r-t
Nut Bolts and Screws!!
Dammit Silver, I said get the POSSE.
You still haven’t used your present from last year.
NOW you’re screwed
Oh, that Henny Youngman…
“Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”
Cherry Hill.
“Now come bass solo.”
Nobody eats parsley.
The nun has hope in her soul…
“So there’s my rectal thermometer. Now…where’s my pen?”
You lying BASTARD! You’ve been BOWLING!!
(three religious ones)
That’s just God. He thinks he’s a doctor.
Nice shot, dad, but would you quit screwing around and just play golf?
Screw you, ma.
Rectum? It damn near killed him!
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
(Do I win a prize because my punch line is also an entire joke?)
Peggy Flem
Yeah, but that’s the boss’s girl!
Well then, you’re not gonna like Fridays at all!
Tomorrow it’s your turn in the barrel.
No soap. Radio.
Because you’re 42 years old and the principal, that’s why!
Two lanes or four lanes?
Who cares?