Religious punch lines:
“Mom, you’re really a pain, sometimes.”
“Pinocchio?”
“Shut uppa you face! I’m a talk-a to your MOTHER!”
“Funny you should say that…!”
Random secular punch lines:
“That sheep’s a dang LIAR!”
“A pig like that, you just can’t eat all at once.”
“Because he CAN.”
Smells like someone shit a Chirstmas tree.
Preacher, what I want to know is: who called that son of a bitch a piccolo player?
He said he knows you.
But if you rub turpentine on a cat’s ass, he’ll pass a motorcycle!
Hear the bear?
Please don’t mispronounce; it makes the waitress giggle.
It seems you’re too stupid to own a computer.
Nobody has said:
“Because he was stapled to the chicken”
“A food processor”
“One, to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around him”
“Fish”
“Scrambled”
“Move over, girls, I have to gargle.”
“Fried rice, you clazy Gleek.”
“Hey, there’s no dam water.”
“Every time I got a whole bushel, I sold it.”
Because once you find it, you stop looking.
“Whaddya think I am, stupid? You’re gonna turn it off when I’m halfway across!”
Four, one to break the bulb and three to kill everyone so they don’t need light.
“Don’t do that.”
He knew all along that the electric chair wouldn’t work on him, because he was…
“It’s God who’s all-forgiving. We just set up the meeting.”
Dracula only sucks at night.
And finally…
“Well, YOU obviously haven’t been getting any lately either!” (My favorite mega-lame punchline ever, don’t ask why.)
“Boy, if I had pussy to sell, I’d own this town by now!”
“To get to the other side”
(no one used THAT yet?)
grabs his facecheeks and flops them back and forth
European.
Oh, my God, Schultz is dead!
It was a tandem bicycle.
Well, I’m westing!
By the way, Doctor, you have a beautiful house.
And now that I’m Eighty the damn things are growing wild and I’m to old to squat.
ya, ya deisel fitter ( a hundred points if ya know it ).
ketchup!
Congratulations, you’ve just be screwed by the Sisters of St. Mary’s.
Two, if they’re small enough.
She beat off her attacker.
Facing Macy’s.
Because they’re both in the same grade.
The breakfast was my idea.
You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork
Picture this: I’m hiding naked in a refrigerator
If you think I’m going to gargle with that after she sticks her ass in it…
I wish for a mild heart attack.
They were still arguing when the train came through.
a stick.
MOOOO!
No, I think it was the cobblestones!
And what were you doing at the time?
No, I mostly just lie there.
I define myself to be outside.
Good idea. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.
You can’t fit the sorority girl inside the bowling ball.
Take him for a drag.
Unique up on him.
His lips are moving.