Mostly I just mutter “Stupid bitch!” whether the offending driver is male or female.
When appropriate, “Is that gonna be a turn, or a proposal for a turn? Stupid bitch!”
On days that are really rife with mobile stupidity, (as Vorlon said, they really are that bad here), I keep myself cheerful while driving by singing a little song, which sounds kind of like the refrain from a 40’s swing tune: “Poo-poo-pa-doo, fahhhhk you, Poo-poo-pa-do, fahhhhk you!” That’s the whole song, but it can go on for awhile.
SolGrundy’s “Nice!” with the thumbs up – that just cracks me up!
Most of my verbal tirades are unsuitable for this forum. I tend to improv them based on the gender and age of the driver, their vehicle, and my relative level of ire.
The only one which is relatively universal would be, “That’s as green as it’s gonna get, f**kwit!”
I think I babble a lot when driving by myself so weird things come out. When someone tailgates me I wind up yelling out a comment like “Oh mister excitement in the minivan is in a big rush! He needs to get somewhere exciting very fast in his minivan I better get out of his way! BABY ON BOARD!” and then I like to yell “waaa hooo!” and things like that.
A lot of times I feel that people slow down way too much to make a right-hand turn and so I will yell “OH NO BE CAREFUL YOU MIGHT TIP OVER IF YOU GO TOO FAST!”
The only ones that bother me any,more are the drivers that hang out in the left lane, going the speed limit or less, no matter what.
They either pace traffic in the right lanes or force you to (dangerously) pass on the right, if you want to get by. In most states, it’s illegal, but theyb seem to have some moral compunction to ensure you don;'t exceed the speed limit. But that’s my illusion…
Anyway, I call them “Left Lane Zombies.” Or just “Zombies” for short, as I pass on the right.
Anyone who squeals their tires, accelarates off a red light (or from anywhere, really) like they’re in Daytona, etc: (loudly) “My penis is HUGE!”
It amuses me to no end. I’ve also had the occasion to make “Retard Noises”, but “shitface” is my preferred insult. “Stupid bitch” and “asshole” come up often enough for a mention, though. If someone is going too slow (as in, say, 40 in a 65 or whatever), “fucking move!” If someone is going too fast (passing me on the freeway when I’m already going 75-80mph) “s/he’s late for a good fuck”. If someone gives the The Finger, “I love you, too” or (deadpan) “aww, that’s sweet”.
I wanted to mention my brother because I personally think he’s hilarious. He doesn’t swear at people who piss him off on the road. Rather, he’ll smile and wave or open his window and yell (he sounds terribly excited rather than angry) random things at the other drivers. Examples:
I love you!
I’m African American! (he’s not)
I can drive, too!
My car is red! (it’s not)
I like your horn!
(stereotypically gay, extremely heavy lisp) That was fantastic! (sometimes fabulous, with an added toss of imaginary hair or other gesture of some kind)
I prattle on about “gee, that guy must be REALLY IMPORTANT” when some jerk pulls a move like speeding up to 55mph to pass me on a 35mph street, when we are approaching a traffic light that is already red. The best part, of course, is when he has to slam on his brakes, and I pass him while maintaining my speed of 35mph when the light turns green. I live for those moments on the road.
Oh, gosh, this thread is just what I needed this morning! I’m writing a very intense book that requires me to go back through some painful events in my life, and I’m constantly about to weep, weeping, or just finished weeping. Yeah.
Anyway, I have a variety of epithets I use to other drivers. The milder ones include buttnugget, asswipe, turdface. I can get much more profane if need be, with son-of-a-bitching fucktard asswipe dickfuck not being uncommon.
Because, you know, it’s all about me! Like the idiots who refuse to let me merge onto the freeway (when I’m merging on a left entrance ramp) and thus force me into traffic on the freeway proper. Every f*cking day!!! grrr! :mad:
Doing something extremely stupid: “Hell of a time to wake up, pal.”
Wandering or driving badly: “Pick a lane.”
Driving too slow: “It’s the one on the right!”
Catch-all: “NOBODY LIKES YOU!”
And I thought I invented, “Try the pedal on the right, asshole!”
I usually do entire monologues including many insults, but I do hear “dillhole” cropping up frequently. When I finish, I explain to the children that Mom has to help the other drivers sometimes.
If you’re doing something stupid, regardless of your gender, ‘daft cunt’ works just great for me. My catch-all word, again, regarless of gender, is simply ‘motherfucker’.
