One from column A, one from column B, with appropriate condescention and derision.
Column A:[ul][]C’mon,[]Let’s go,[]You can do it,[]Almost got it,[]Nice job,[/ul]Column B:[ul][]sport[]tiger[]ace[]chief[]buddyslick[/ul]Add more to each list as appropriate.
My all-purpose ones fit the vehicle.
If it’s a luxury vehicle driving like a jerk: “Nice car. Now learn how to drive it.”
If it’s a not-so-nice vehicle: “Get that piece of shit off the road!”
Alternatively, “You fucking wanker! What fucking lane are you meant to be in! Are you fucking blind you twat?!”
…all to myself, of course. I’ve been threatened by burly looking bruisers a few times after making obscene hand gestures, so I don’t do that any more.
Apparently it’s “Dipshit!” because twice now I’ve heard a little voice from the back of the car pipe up after someone has cut me off without as much as the courtesy of a blinker saying “Daddy, what’s a Dipshit?”
Brought back to reality, I responded “No honey, that’s “Dipstick… D I P S T I C K” Remind Daddy that he needs to check the oil level when we get home, okay?”
“Okay Daddy, don’t forget to look at the dipstick.”
“No sweetheart, Daddy won’t.”
I refer to those long lines with a slow driving old person at the front as “funeral processions” as it’s pretty much a parade, with a dead person in the front car.
Old people that drive badly: Cadavers
Just plain stupid drivers: Puddin’ Heads (But, it’s like, chocolate pudding, so it looks like something else…)
Old people that drive slowly “he’s just waiting” (to die of old age) or “nothing to do, and all day to do it!”
Tailgaiters: “I hope that distracts you from your small penis”
My standard is “you’'re all a bunch of fuc*ers!!” for all situations including driving.
For old people who drive 25 mph everywhere “move it you damn Gerry!!”
Doddlers at the light “The light isn’t gonna get any greener so go”
Peoplr who race to the next red light and/or speed past people to get there “You must be Really Important”
Junker cars “move your POS!”
Cell phone users who are not paying attention “you are driving a car, not a phonebooth- Hang Up”
People who poke along “did your car not come with an accelerator” or “see the long skinny pedal on the right, it’s the gas pedal, use it”
This is just a few, sometimes the mutterings are simple like putz or schmuck, but if the person is annoying/dangerous then the mutterings escalete to a string of verbage that a whole bar of soap wouldn’t wash away.
Reminds me of the time when I was double-parked, waiting for my wife to come out of a building. A truck pulled up and blocked my line of sight. “Motherfucker…”, I muttered, forgetting about my other passenger in the back seat.
“What did you say, Daddy?”
“Er…is that your mother behind that truck?” Hey, I thought it was a pretty quick recovery.
Whenever someone’s inching out at an intersection ahead of me and clearly thinking about trying to pull out directly in front of me and cut me off, I shout “Stay, Monkey!”
Monkeys. Heh.
For the Christmas Holiday season, it’s
BUMPUSES!
There are enough businesses around here that are open 24 hrs. that, depending on the direction some speeding and/or erratic driver is heading, I’ll sarcastically mutter “Hmm…must be in a hurry to get to [Wegman’s, Denny’s, the Qwikfill, etc.] before they close!”
My milder all-purpose insult is “dicklick”.
If I’m really ticked it’s “G-dd-amn c-cks-cking motherf-cking sonofab-tchin’ bastard homosexual c-nt” , although the last word might be left off if the driver is a guy.
If someone isn’t paying attention and ends up cutting me off, or just generally being stupid, Captain Oblivious is my favorite. As in “Nice move Captain Oblivious!!”
Butt Monkey is another favorite.
Usually “hookerface” for women, “dildobreath” for men, both homages to my friend Meghan, who invented the words.
If it is a stupid driver of indeterminate gender, I usually also go with “fuckstick.” It’s just a word that makes me giggle, and therefore slightly less angry. I’m unique in being a New Jersey driver with little to no road rage. I can sit in traffic for hours, if I must, without getting angry. I do, however, suffer from the lesser-known “parking lot rage.” What is it about parking lots that makes people stupid?
A habit I picked from New England friends while living in Nebraska:
Caaahhhkknaahhhkah! (cockknocker)
“Back to your fruitstand, you ignorant peon!”
As of late, my general insult has been “twatwaffle,” with the occasional “fucktard” thrown in. I don’t drive, but I do get a chance to yell at bad drivers quite a lot as a frequent front seat passenger in Tallahassee.
Not having a car, I rarely drive. So it’s usually as a pedestrian that I get annoyed by drivers’ behaviour. I just mutter to myself…bloody drivers.
f*cking tool.
Lately I’m getting better at coming up with the appropriate swearword for a situation before it’s too late. Like cool people do.
In Colorado, we always referred to them as “Texans”.
Well, I learned to drive in Miami, where you have to assume the other drivers are a)armed, b)involved in a police chase and c)driving with one hand and smoking rock with the other…so there’s not a lot of yelling out the window going on in my car.
I usually fall back on muttering “Fucking goyim”. It doesn’t matter who the offender is and it makes me feel righteously indignant and much better.
I wouldn’t suggest using that around here, dude.
“ignorant ratfuckers”
I actually picked that up from a friend’s father in high school. We went over to his house one afternoon and his dad, an intellectual professor-looking guy complete with glasses, thinning hair and a full beard that almost totally obscured his mouth, was sitting in a recliner in the living room wearing boxers and a tank top muttering that very phrase under his breath as he watched C-Span.