Years and years ago, I was in an ice cream shoppe and saw two English tourists. The wife was about 6’ tall and built like a barrel with a large afro. Her husband was 5’, with greasy hair and a handlebar mustache and tattoos all over his arms.
She got a waffle cone and was impressed with the size, turned to her husband and said (in a Monty Python woman’s voice–like the mother in Life of Brian)…
“Ooooh! It’s a BIG one, Nigel!”
It’s not really out of context, but it was damn funny.
When I first met my husband he did not speak English well at all. He was my host while I was doing some work in Nepal and one day he asked me:
“Do you want to eat cock tonight?”
He was asking, of course, if I wanted chicken for dinner. I couldn’t stop laughing for 10 solid minutes. And then I had to explain what was so funny.
Ah, the stories we’ll have to tell our grandchildren.
I love the fact most of my friends don’t have mental “preview” buttons. Here’s a few of my faves…
"I took advantage of a pigeon once.” – overheard at choir practice
“Do you value your nose hairs?” – overheard at work
“There are too many butts back here to figure out where the straps go.”
“Anything said during the normal sort of sex is probably inadmissible”
“It was the second glass of wine that did it to the mattress, I swear to god, I thought I was helping.”
I said this at the University caf once …
"
you’re fighting now, but you will come in mouth!
"
I am still living that one down …
(just trying to get some troublesome spagetti from my plate into my mouth , really!!)
The line which I think is the punch line to a joke, but I’m not sure, is “Just hold the tail, I’m fucking this cat”.
Usually abbreviated to “Just hold the tail…”
It’s used in my family when someone is offering unwanted or unneeded advice, like back seat driving.
Hold this while I zip up.
And no, I’m not going to explain the real context. Be creative.
“You got to enter this into the butt joint.”
Hank Hill was talking to his son about carpentry
“I think it’s good for a man to have a hobby.”
I always say this when someone says something stupid like, “I like to watch football in my underwear,” or whatever, when you haven’t asked. It’s from “Psycho,” when Marion’s eating the sandwich and Norman says he likes taxidermy. Heh heh…
“After you jerk them, they all taste the same.”
“An affectionate cat? This is science fiction . . .”