I’m cursed. Perhaps, at some point in the distant past, I offended an old Gypsy woman. I may have cheesed off a stage magician with mysterious powers. The gods, in their wisdom, may hate me. But somebody, somewhere, whammied me with…
The Curse of the Crying Baby
Anytime I’m out in public for an extended period (anything over fifteen minutes will do), somewhere nearby, a baby will start crying. And won’t stop. It happens everywhere. Restaurants. Movie theatres. Grocery stores. It’s infallible. Friends have commented on it, without my ever having mentioned the phenomena. I can show up to the 10pm showing of Hannibal, and someone will bring their pre-toddler, and sit within three rows of me.
Yes, I was successfully cursed. My mother, my very own mother cursed me when I was younger. She said “May you have a child as cranky as you are in the morning…”
Ok, I might have been a bit difficult to wake up and quite impossible to live with in my younger days. brachy could probably attest to whether I was worthy of such a curse. I know friends, college room-mates and, at least, one brief love affair were not enriched by my crankiness… However, all changed when I met mr kiffa.
The curse came true. My first-born child is awful in the morning. Luckily, his ugly disposition disappears when he eats breakfast. Woe to anyone who steps in his way before spoon reaches his mouth.
Other people can buy cordless phones, and they work for YEARS. Maybe the get a little scratchy in later years, and maybe the antenna falls off, but they more or less work. Not me. I buy a Cordless phone, I get maybe a year and a half out of it. It then starts to either:
1 - cut out in the middle of a conversation
2 - refuse to ring when people call
3 - ring, but refuse to let me answer. When I press the “answer” button, it cuts the call off
This has happened with the last 4 Cordless Phones I’ve bought. The current one is a pricey unit that came with a 3 year warrantee. We’ll see if it lasts that long…
Curse of the Wrong Line
It is inevitable wherever I go, I will get in the wrong line. At the grocery store, mall, food court, wherever. It will be the line that looks like it will move quickly, but ends up with a trainee at the register, someone with 3 dozen coupons, someone who’s arguing over a $.09 difference in the price, someone who went to first grade with the cashier and is catching up on every event since then, etc. It ALWAYS happens, and I’ve come to accept it.
Curse of the Movie Talker
No matter what theater, what part of town, what movie, what part of the theater I sit in, I’m always sitting near the talker. He’s the only one talking in the WHOLE theater, and he’s directly behind/in front/next to me. And he’s not commenting on the movie, usually he’s commenting on his date last night, answering his cell phone, repeating the lines for the obviously hard-of-hearing person sitting with him, or generally just being a jerk. He follows me from theater to theater, I’m convinced. This is why I hardly go to movies anymore. Why do people talk in theaters when they could do it at home and save $9?
Curse of Breaking/Spilling Things
I’m a clutz by nature, and no matter what I’m doing or where I am, I always spill or break something. My clothes are ruined, I have friends who refuse to let me in their homes past the front hallway. I can’t stop it.
I am the unlucky recipient of The Curse of the Discontinued Items. Whenever I like something, it is inevitably discontinued or pulled off the market. Right when I turned 21, I discovered a wonderful drink called “Matilda Bay Wine Coolers”, within 6 months they were discontinued. I start going to a restaurant called “Chi-Chi’s” once a week, they go out of business (the whole chain). I find that a breakfast bar called “Kudos” makes a perfect breakfast for me (the peanut butter kind), my grocery store stops carrying them. Even as far back as the 70s when I was a kid, I liked the red M&Ms, and those just happened to be the ones causing cancer.
Shoes, especially. Whenever I find a pair I like, they either do not have any in my size or in the color I want: “Oh, yes, we have those in burgundy—but only in 3 narrow.” Or, “Yes, we do have those in your size—as long as you want them in pink-and-yellow stripes.”
[Grouchy Eve, who has just come back from the Lord & Taylor spring shoe sale]
I have been saddled with The Curse of the Canceled TV Show. I can pretty much predict when I like a show sooooo much, it wont last. I’m not sure what’s the cure for the curse. With any luck it wont involve watching the WB.
Curse of: "The guy with the huge fat ass head and big hair sits in front of me at the movies"
Everytime I got to the movies some throw back from the ice age sits directly in front of me. I can recall maybe one time in 1986 that it didn’t happen, but thats it.
Arrggh! I have a boy who is a friend but no boyfriend.
I am kinda embarrassed that I have never had a boyfriend (I am 20 yrs. old)…I guess I am too shy.
I just can’t seem to go anywhere without destroying something. A mysterious cloud of impossible physics seems to hover about me and make things that would make MC Escher lose his mind. Sometimes I don’t even have to be touching the things and they still seem to be chalked up me.
Sigh
(bty - Cottle is my last name, just in case you wanted to know.
I blow lightbulbs. By which I mean, I cause lightbulbs to burn out. I turn on a lamp and POP! there goes the bulb. I walk into a room and POP! out goes the light. Sometimes, all I have to do is walk past a lamp and POP! the bulb goes out.
It’s the strangest thing, and one that seems to afflict me far more than my wife, especially when the bulb is in one of those impossible to get to fixtures on the ceiling.
Tyklfe, I don’t use Instant messaging. I guess I find no use for it. I check my e-mail about ten times a day. My friends use it though; maybe I should check into it.
Women. I’m cursed. Even men who have a difficult time with women are in awe of the mindboggling catastrophes that torpedo my every attempt at amore. When most people have relationships that end, the phrase “crash and burn” isn’t too far off usually. In my case, it never even gets that far, more “exploded in the hanger, taking out the maintenance crew, the pilot, and the engineer”. More specifically, my curse is broken up into five parts:
Not interested - OK, I can accept that. I’ve always known I wasn’t going to be to everyone’s taste, but to be to no one’s? That smarts.
Lesbian - Alright, I’m out of the picture anyway.
Geographically incompatable - “You’re about to move to Mozambique for a 5 year internship studying the native flora?”
Already spoken for - If you want to meet the man of your dreams, have me fall for you. It NEVER fails. I’m not kidding. Every last woman I’ve felt serious about (and who has survived the previous 3 curses) has wound up engaged or married or co-habitting with someone else. Never fails. Sigh.
Under 18 - Yikes! Fortunately, this is happening a lot less frequently…
Now, these curses usually kick in fast, meaning not only do I seldom get the chance for a relationship, these usually scuttle dating right off the bat.
Hey that’s cool. Well, if you ever do get it. You can find my im address in my profile. You can also find my e-mail address there if you feel so inclined.
