You may not think the health teacher was funny, but that story was a riot, Drain Bead!
Some of you might remember Billy Rubin that used to post here. He told of when he was at the mall one time and had eaten prodigously at the food court. Continuing his shopping, he was wandering over to an escalator when he felt the need to fart. Looking to either side he didn’t see anyone, grabbed the handrail, leaned over and cut a huge fart. All of a sudden he hears someone shriek out “Jesus Christ!”, turns around and here’s this man in a wheelchair that had apparently rolled up silently behind him. The man’s waving his arms in the air trying to make the fart go away but it apparently just kinda wafted up the escalator along with them. Billy said he tried to apologize but the man was so angry he was having none of it, complaining all the way. I don’t know what you’d say anyway, here let me wipe that off?
Hey Hal, as far as I can see, you skipped over Fart Game #4. I can’t WAIT to hear what that one is!
I don’t think you should ever meet my husband - I think it makes his week when he can punctuate a song with an appropriately-placed fart. He also favours farts and burps as replies. Remind me again why I married him?
Because he was such a smooth talker?
No. No you will not. You will grace us with it now.
Pretty please, Olentzero?
Oh, all right.
Hanging out with a couple fellow students back in my Georgetown days, one of whom was a Swiss girl. She had a bottle of asparagus schnapps on a shelf - basically schnapps with a stalk or two of asparagus in it for infusion purposes. She had it more for decoration than anything else, but told us it was available for sampling if anyone dared. Which I did. The taste wasn’t memorable, but the next day…
Working in the language lab (that was a fun job) I felt the pressure build and figured there would be little to no harm in letting it go. It was a slow day, just me and the other guy on shift. It turned out to be the Platonic ideal of SBD. My poor co-worker was in agony and I didn’t hear the end of it from him for a full five minutes. I apologized profusely and explained the probable cause, which only helped to nauseate him further.
A short while later I felt the pressure build again. I simply turned to look at him, and when he caught my eye, I said “Run.”
He was out the door before I’d even finished the word.
Fart Game #4: Fart Ninja
co-worker enters my office
Me: Hey man, what’s up?
Him: Oh, I just wanted to say: BWOOT
Me: Ha, ha, I’ll get you, you motherfucker!
Him: I don’t have an office.
Me: Oh, I’ll catch you when you least expect it, ninja-style. It could be a bathroom, it could be a hallway…I would recommend opening bottles and Pringles cans away from your face.
Him: Oh, I’m scared now…How scared? This scared: BRAAAAP
Fart Game #9: Crossing the Line
Him: Let’s take your new car.
Me: Sure.
later
Me: Did you just fart in the car?
Him: Yep, so what?
Me: It’s a new car.
Him: Yep.
Me: Oh, yeah? You do you realize I can lock the windows and give it to you full force?
Him: No, you don’t want to do that.
Me: Why not?
Him: Then our relationship would cross the line from co-workers to buddies and then we would be farting on each other all the time.
Me: Hmm. Maybe you have a point. click BWOOT Take that, bitch!
I was on a solo vacation to England, and riding the Tube for the first time to get to my hotel. Airplane food had given me a belly full of gas. The Tube was fairly crowded, and I eased out a long slow silent-but-deadly. It was foul. I smelled it first, and then noticed glancing expressions appear and spread through the people around me.
Somehow, I was subconsciously pegged as the epicenter, and a space slowly cleared around me. Finally, the last person in a ten foot radius was a classic stereotypical prim formal English librarian woman. She glanced at me over her reading glasses, wrinkled her nose, and fanned her face. I couldn’t help but grin and laugh, and she harumphed and turned her back to me.
England, I have arrived!
There’s an old joke about this:
When you’re only dating, you leave the room to fart.
When she’s your girlfriend, you hold the covers over her head and give her the Dutch oven.
Logically, if you don’t want to marry someone, make sure you never, EVER laugh when they fart. Laughing at a man’s farts is just like giving an engagement ring to a girl.
On the flip side, if want to catch someone, laughing hysterically at toilet humor is irresistibly sexy.
Superhal, you have to stop it. I am going to die laughing if you post another one. Your poor wife.
I think it’s funnier because my husband is the same…
I think I may have posted about this one before but anyway…
Back in college I shared a room with two other guys. We are all playing playstation when suddenly one of them cuts a serious bit of ass cheese. We all laugh dutifully, fulfilling our requirements as males when…
“oh god. Dude…I"m sorry.”
We all look up at the offender who is now simultaneously having a laughing fit while ferociously fanning the air about him. Then, like a creeping fog from a Steven King novel, it enveloped us. I shit you not, the very air was greasy. It clung to you, singing nostrils and curling beard hair. Roommate number two leaps for the window to let in some fresh air; This somehow makes it worse, as if the fresh air rehydrated the beast. I grab the door and begin fanning wildly with it, making a fart tornado in the center of the room. I swear to you the very paint peeled and changed one shade slightly yellower that day. It lingered on for nearly 15 minutes. It was a fart of epic proportions.
Ah yessss…only two men in the entire universe play these games…only two…:dubious:
Fart Game #10: Movie Farts
Me: bwat.
Him: You call that a fart? This is fart…hnnnnngh! bwoot
Me: OOoOooOo, maybe I better cover my ears…that was just like “KHAAAAAAN!” in Star Trek 2.
Him: Well, your fart should be called “Revenge of the Nerds.”
Me: On good days, I think my farts should be called “Ninja Assassin.”
beat
Together: NEVERENDING STORY!!
Not at all… 
It’s just that I can see these scenarios in living colour as I read them. And it keeps getting funnier and funnier because there are just so many of them!
My family is wondering what I’m laughing so hard about and I’m trying to read them aloud, so I get myself composed, and I get two words out and start laughing all over again. I keep having to pass the laptop over…
SHHH!! IF A WOMAN ASKS, THERE’S ONLY TWO MEN IN THE WORLD THAT DO IT!!
ixnay on the block-cock-ay
Now, now, if you have to lie to a woman about your farts, she’s not the one for you (usual “general you” disclaimer here).
So far, Fartrizon is my favourite. Something about the phrase wags ass around tickles me.
Several years ago, my mom farted in church while sitting in the back of the church. She might have gotten away with it if dad hadn’t started laughing, causing the rest of the congregation to join in. The mass was put on hold for about 5 minutes until control was restored. Mom didn’t live that one down until dad farted in the same church, five years later, while he was accepting communion from the priest. Again, the whole congregation roared with laughter for several minutes. This time, mom laughed as well.