One fine day as an undergrad, I was sitting in my recliner, watching TV and wearing nothing but basketball shorts as I tried to get over the miserable hangover I had. I felt a rumble in my stomach, and thought a nice, loud fart would cheer me up, so I lifted my ass off the seat and gave a good push to amplify the fart.
What I ended up with was faucet ass, too liquidy to be considered a mere shart. It filled up my shorts and started running down my leg in stinky, brown rivulets as I panicked and began crab walking to the bathroom as fast as possible. From the chair to the bathroom I left a path of little liquid poo droplets all over the carpet. I took my shorts off in the bathroom, dumped them out in the toilet, and took a shower. I used whatever cleaners we had to try and scrub the poo stains out of the carpet.
On the day I moved out of that apartment, I managed one last laugh at the lighter-colored spots on the carpet from where I had scrubbed the literal shit out of them.
You never said what you did with the shorts. I-I’m afraid to ask, yet I must know. I’m thinking you had to fish them out of the toilet, but my brain has seized up and refuses to contemplate any further. what happened?
I have a daughter who’s been potty-training recently. A couple weeks ago our family was taking a road-trip and we’d stopped at a motel, and she was farting with every step as we crossed the lobby. You’d never have believed such loud farts were coming out of such a little girl, if not for her cute little “'scuse me!” after each one. We were cracking up, and my wife finally said “Well you’re just Farts McGee, aren’t you?” Teasing each other with silly made up names is kind of a thing for us, I guess. Anyway, my daughter thought it was hilarious.
The next day we’d pulled into a rest stop on the highway, and my wife took my daughter to the restroom. (I know this part of the story second-hand.) My daughter was apparently cracking up the whole room with the stuff she was saying while sitting on the toilet. “It’s coming! It’s a big one!” and so forth. But then the person in the next stall let rip with an absolutely massive fart. And as my wife tells it, my daughter got this big grin on her face, like a kid meeting Santa Claus for the first time, and she exclaims at the top of her lungs: “Mommy! It’s Farts McGee!”
What does vampire fart smell like? Do vampires poop?
Does God fart? Would it smell like flowers, even if he ate sardines, bananas, and Caesar salad?
If you farted in a Pringles can, and then dropped it off an airplane into a forest, and there was nobody around, would it smell?
If I slapped somebody’s butt right when they farted, would it shove the fart right back up their butt?
Did cavemen invent the armpit fart?
If you held your farts in all day, could you sprain your bunghole?
Why are you supposed to say, “Excuse me” after you fart? Shouldn’t you say, “I’m sorry,” or at least, “Take that, bitch.”
I went to a picnic. They served beer, pop, chili dogs, hot dogs, popcorn, and chili. It went from noon til 10 pm. We played softball and then volleyball. Jumping up and down is a real good idea with those food choices. The fermentation process had begun.
That night I farted so loud it woke me up. I looked at my wife careful to see if the well cultivated odor got to her. Her nose started twitching a little like a bunny. Then it twitched a lot and she flipped over and buried her face in the covers. After saying"Jesus Christ’. I think she noticed.
Over the weekend, I heard (literally) that one of the next-door neighbors had acquired and was using a vuvuzela. Our windows were all closed up but you could still hear a loud blat or buzz through the window glass. I was closer to that side of the house, so I told my husband about this. His response, “I thought you’d farted.” :smack:
My bedroom was next to my parents bedroom. One night I was awoken by a very loud fart from their room. “Wow.” I thought and went back to sleep. The next day mom asked if I slept OK and I said that I did until SOMEONE farted loud enough to be heard through the wall. I shot a meaningful glance at my dad and he said, Hey, don’t start blaming ME for that one." From the look on mom’s face, I knew she was guilty.
We went to a lot of movies when I was a kid, and that usually meant a trip for an ice cream cone afterwards. I would’ve been about 11 and my brother, about 9. Dad, Mom and my brother & I were sitting in a Hardee’s around 10:30 PM eating some ice cream before driving home. The place was full of teenagers out cruising. Hardee’s was their meeting place. Must’ve been 10 tables full of kids. All were talking and laughing and the place was pretty loud. Then my brother cuts one that could’ve shaken the leaves off the trees outside. He just stopped and looked around and the whole place got quiet. After about 3 seconds, the place erupted and my brother turned bright red and started laughing, too. One of the kids at the next table said, “Hey, man, we ain’t laughin’ at ya, we’re laughin’ with ya!”
Me: bwoot
Her: Ha ha ha you’re gross!
Me: Oh, if you think that’s gross, how about this one…takes The Fart Position, hands on chair, one leg raised, bung pointed at the target, face scrunched up in the “concentration” expression HNNNNGGGGG! pbt
Her: Did you shit your pants?
Me: Which way would be funnier?
My mom was always good at busting out quick, loud farts that surprised us. I as about 16 and was on a phone call with a boy in the kitchen (this was pre-cell phone, pre-cordless phone, definitely no phone in my room). In the middle of the call my mom passed through the kitchen and let one rip then ran out laughing and continued to laugh in the next room as loudly as possible, all while I pretended that everything was totally cool and I totally didn’t have the weirdest mother in the world.
Another time we were all at a beach house in North Carolina. My best friend Carrie came with me on this trip and we shared a room with bunk beds. She had always been a notorious loud farter, so much that her mom had taken her to the doctor once to see if there was something wrong with her. During the day on the beach we had been taking turns reading Helter Skelter and scaring each other all day with supposed Charles Manson sightings on the beach. In the middle of the night I hear Carrie hissing, “Winnie, wake up I hear something outside!” at which time she proceeds to literally rip the LOUDEST fart I’ve ever heard which also woke my parents up who were in a room all the way at the end of the hall. It took us an hour to settle down and 20 years later we still talk about that fart. Now THAT’S an amazing fart.
My husband’s farts literally get worse before they dissipate. It’s like they build up steam before they eventually fizzle out.
Today, I farted quite loudly in the elevator at work. I thought I’d done a good job of willing my sphincter muscle to shut down, but a loud BWOOT echoed two seconds after the doors closed. I’m glad that I was alone. But what about NEXT TIME?
me and my uncle were going to get pizza when i trip over something in the garage my uncle stopped then as soon as my face was directly in line with his ass he farts and i yell at him and what did he do he grabbed my face and held it at his ass again then farted again then he holds my head on the bottom of the drivers seat and he sits on my face then when the door is shut he starts to fart about 25 second long farts all stinkier that the others and i was so angry with him once we got out that i farted:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Four of us playing cards on a warm day, so the door was open.
One of us drops a truly ghastly SBD and we all rush for the door.
Fortunately I’m nearest, so I get out safely. When I look back, I see two guys jammed in the doorway with the last guy screaming at them to let him through…
I had a colonoscopy (fortunately there was no health problem - it was just a precaution.)
Anyway I was a bit nervous until I saw the attending nurse. She was truly gorgeous and had a lovely reassuring attitude. She talked to me sweetly through the whole procedure and I was thinking “Maybe I should politely ask her out.”
Now in case you don’t know, a colonoscopy simply means a telescopic camera is inserted up your bottom. It’s not painful, but does need a lot of air pumped in as well so the tube can make its way along.
So the procedure is complete, the diagnosis is fine and the tube is coming out gently.
I’m planning to start a conversation with the nurse … when the tube finally departs my body and finally all the pumped-in air can now escape. :eek:
Well the awesome farting noise lasted at least a minute (by which time I had abandoned any idea of conversation!)
I had a dog, a dog that could clear a house of people with his farts. No kidding. I let him lick the remains of a bowl of chili bean soup and that evening when my friends and I were watching TV he started farting so loud and consistently stinky that we got up and went to dinner rather than stay in the house.
So one day the dog and I are the only ones home. I’m watching TV and raise a cheek to let one fly. That dog, that stupid ginormous dog that once farted metaphorical green smoke out his ass, looked over his shoulder and gave me a dirty look!