What's your funny fart story?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

Two fart stories that have made their place in family lore.

My youngest sister was on a date with her high school sweetheart, who is now her husband of 35 years. He is the youngest of three children. Apparently his mother and sisters were able to contain themselves very well. Anyway, on this date my sister let one rip. His comment: “I didn’t know that girls farted.”

Cast of characters:

My mother, who could and did fart wherever and whenever.
My sister, who has pretensions of being a lady.
My niece, who adored her grandmother.

After my niece graduated from college in Texas, the three of them drove her car on their way home to Anchorage. They had stopped at a Target somewhere in Wyoming. My niece and my mom were together and my sister was a couple of aisles away from them. Mom let rip the most tremendous fart of her entire life. It rattled the rafters and could be heard from the checkstands to the back room. Niece and Mom got the giggles. All my sister said was “JESUS CHRIST, MOM.”

102

3 friends came to visit one summer while I was living in Chicago. We had a good first night of drinking beer and eating greasy food.

The next day we went to the Museum of Science and Industry. They have a WW2 U-Boat that you can tour. The sub is outside and bakes in the sun. It was jammed with people. We started through that cramped hot space when I started to laugh. One of my friends looked at me with alarm and said “Don’t you do it!” I cut loose with a truly vile greasy beer fart and laughed until I cried. There was no place to go because it was single file through the sub. People behind us were bitching and cursing.

I like to think that I made it a more realistic experience of life on a U-Boat!

103

My wife and I were decending the stairs inside the Statue of Liberty back in the 70’s. She was in front of me when I let one go. If you’ve ever been there it’s a slow decent down spiral staircases. The folks behind me were not too happy. Fortunately it was a silent one and they were unsure of the culprit.

104

High school.
My buddy is sitting near the back of the class & rips a short but loud one. Somehow he suppresses the natural instinct to look guilty but instead immediately [del]looks[/del] glares at the kid to his right. When everyone turns around, they see him looking at the kid to his right & assume that’s the culprit. Poor kid got blamed for a noisy fart he didn’t even make.

105

One of the grocery stores I used when I was younger would bake fresh baguettes and put them by the checkstands at certain times of the day. One day I was with a friend and felt the familiar rumbling. I released a silent burner… the kind where it feels like a hair dryer on your ass so you know it’s going to be bad. So I did what any polite human would do I said “Man smell that fresh baked bread!” My friend took a deep whiff and started coughing and sputtering.

106

A woman I worked with once told me that she was asleep in bed when her husband farted and she rolled over and hit the snooze button. Apparently her husband had to get up and go downstairs because he was laughing so hard he was afraid he’d wake her.

107

Yes, and the person who bumped this thread apparently joined just so they could post a fart story.

108

I’m cashiering, checking out the items of a mother with a 5 or 6 year old son. Suddenly, I let out a SBD.

Mother to son: Did you just do something?
Son: What?
Mother: Tell me, did you just do something?
Son: What do you think I did?
Mother: I’ll tell you later.
Son: No. What do you think I did?
Mother: Later
Son: NOW!

I don’t know how I kept from laughing.

109

Given her experience at the job, she probably understood what you were saying.

110

ISTR an old fart thread on here where some guy farted in the middle of the night, and his sleeping wife answered the phone.

Anyway, my favorite fart story is when my wife Dutch-ovened herself once. Back when we were dating, I’d spent the night, and was happily under the covers when I let a particularly rancid and loud fart. Now, my usual MO was to sleep above the covers because her apartment was somewhat on the hot side for me, but on this particular morning, it was cooler than usual, so I was under the covers. Wife was half-asleep with her eyes closed when I farted, and assuming I was above the covers, dove under them hoping to escape the fart.

Bad move. I just leaned over and held the hem of the covers down while she screeched and tried to get out.

111

I was chatting up a very hot girl in a nightclub once, felt a big fart coming thought she won’t notice, ended up shitting my pants while farting, had to go home asap as I felt shit dropping down my jeans, never did get her number, ��������

112

We had a summer camp and my older sister invited some friends up too. We were sitting on the pouch and someone let out a deadly fart ! Everyone stopped talking and then there was another one ! Our Beagle came out from under the couch and looked at us as one of us had woke him by farting and walked out leaving the room smelling like hell. It was very funny , we thought someone had farted and thanks goodness it was our dog.

113

Back in my younger days nearly 30 years ago, friends from college or otherwise would join together to visit one of many PATC cabins along the Appalachian Trail in Virginia, Maryland or Pennsylvania. On one such winter trip (we seemed to enjoy cold weather camping the most) everyone had bunkered down for the night in their sleeping bags. A low fire burned in the fireplace, dim light flickered in the dark wooden cabin, slowly breathing quieted as the six of us began to drift off.

Then from the other side of the room starts a long, slow brrrrrap. You could tell in the silence everyone woke up.

With nothing to lose I remarked “Jesus, it sounds like someone scraped a stick down the whole side of the cabin.” Cue much merriment and it took quite some time for us to return to slumber.

Happily I can report that in June many of those same people (including the gaseous one) shall return to a PATC cabin for a long weekend with our kids. I am so looking forward to the new stories, fart or otherwise.

114

About 5 years ago, we were visiting San Francisco and a friend took us to The Stinking Rose. I ordered their 40-clove chicken. It was delicious, but the next morning…:eek::eek::eek:
I was seriously regretting not renting a convertible vehicle for the day.

In itself, not that funny a story, but it also happened to be the morning after this event - my husband so wanted to post to Facebook that despite what I’d eaten the night before, that gas explosion wasn’t my fault.

115

After a couple of weeks in Italy, eating Italian food, I was on the long plane ride home.

There was an Italian woman and her mother sitting in the seats in front of me, chatting.

I let loose a SBD. Thirty seconds or so later, theatrical loud Italian including hand waving and the evil eye is directed at me. I maintain innocence.

The smell dissipates, they settle down.

Another SBD. Loud theatrical Italian, hand waving and they get out of their seats, while glaring at me. I maintain innocence.

It was a long, long flight for them.

I still smile when I think of it.

116

A cut and paste from the ancient days before the oceans drank Atlantis…

Friend of mine – call him Bob – guy with no shame at all, got a bunch of flak once because of his stinkies. In the process of ranking him out about it, someone – it might have been me – said, “Light a match, man! (waves hand to disperse odor) Jeez!”

He looked at me quizzically. Someone else explained to him the flammable nature of flatulence.

His face showed shock … and glee. “No way!” he exclaimed. Feeling another one coming on, he rolled backwards, flung his ankles about his ears, pointed his ass skyward, snatched out a Bic lighter, lit it, and held it ready.

It cost him the hair on his knuckles, but he was… ENLIGHTENED.

So to speak.

For months after that, you never knew when he’d suddenly fling himself on his back and let loose the torch of liberty… It cost him a bit with the chicks, but he was the life of any party. Anyone can throw up or take their top off, but Bob was the only one anyone ever heard of who brought his own light show. With a little experimentation, he even found that he could vary the flames’ colors, depending on what he’d eaten that day. The most common colors were blue and yellow, but he found that various foods, in addition to increasing his flatulence, produced blue and green, blue and orange, pure blue, orange and yellow, and there was one thing that even produced sparks. I don’t know what it was. I frankly didn’t wanna know, mad science notwithstanding…

It all came to an end one September day, at my place. I don’t remember what we were all doing there. Bob was on the couch, Bobo and Troll were sitting next to him, and I was sitting on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. We were talking or something, and suddenly, Bob’s eyes lit with an inner …fire… we’d all come to recognize.

“Fire alarm!” said, Troll, realizing what was about to happen. Troll and Bobo immediately scooched away to give him room to work. I obligingly grabbed the coffee table and pulled it back.

Bob flung his ankles about his ears, rolled onto his back, and lit up.

Something went terribly, terribly wrong.

We’re still not sure what.

Bobo opined afterwards that the gas coming out the leg of his shorts ignited, and traveled inwards, causing an explosion in the seat of his pants.

Troll thought it was Bob’s new synthetic-fiber parachute-material shorts – they must’ve been flammable or something.

I don’t agree with Bobo – I saw the initial fire blossom right over the middle of his butt, right before the nine-foot tongue of pink fire shot out of his ass, right at my face.

I threw myself backwards, flat on the floor, just in time to save my eyebrows. For days afterwards, my mustache smelled like burnt hair.

All I could see was blazing pink armaggeddon. It took a minute for my eyes to focus. For one horrible moment, I thought the curtains were on fire. I heard screams.

I sat up, figuring no fart ever blown could last more than a few seconds. Fortunately, I was right. My eyes focused. The screams continued.

Bob was face down, bent over the couch. His ass was on fire. Troll had a deathgrip around his waist, and he and Bobo were beating the shit out of him, trying to put the fire out. I leaped up and began beating the shit out of him, too.

The fire went out quickly enough, but the material continued to smolder, and we wound up tearing his shorts off of him and running them into the kitchen, into the sink. Bob rolled on the floor, moaning. His poor ass was bald as an egg, and red as a lobster. He wasn’t badly hurt – not even any blisters – and he later told us that it wasn’t the fire that hurt him, it was Troll’s huge hands whacking him on the ass – Troll was a pretty big guy, and Bob was … well… small for his age… and several blows had fallen a bit further south than they’d been intended, and Troll had in fact fetched him several nasty blows to the 'nads.

There was a burnt, fused hole in Bob’s shorts big enough to put a man’s fist through without touching the edges.

We posted the shorts on the wall of the stairwell as a trophy to our cleverness … and as a warning, for generations to come…

117

Here I sit,
broken-hearted.
Tried to shit
but only farted

Next time I thought
I’d take a chance.
Tried to fart
and shit my pants.

118

Absolutely Legendary. :smiley:

119

I forgot about one… about a decade ago, my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were meeting a group of her friends in New Braunfels to go tubing. Someone had got a suite of rooms at what seemed to be the cheapest place in town- some sort of motel.

There were about 15 of us, and 13 of them got there hours before we did because we had to drive down after work.

So we finally got to New Braunfels sometime after midnight. We ended up in the room with the huge fat snoring redneck. This guy snored like a chainsaw- loud and constant. I couldn’t fall asleep at all.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of listening to this guy snore non-stop, he got quiet. I thought “Oh, thank God! Maybe he’s moved and quit snoring!” I was so excited for about 2-3 seconds of silence that I might actually fall asleep.

But it was not to be. Right after that, he cut loose with a long, thunderous and rank fart, and resumed snoring shortly thereafter.

120

I remember the time I went to the Milwaukee zoo with my folks, I was about 20 or 21 at the time. We had been at the big cat exhibit watching the cats, and then feeding time came and they disappeared to eat, so we walked over to the elephants. My Mom loooooves elephants. So, after awhile, my Dad and I are pretty bored watching these elephants, and Mom is still sweet-talkin’ the things…so Dad and I decided to walk down to the aquarium.

Now, this meant going out in the freezing weather and walking around Lake Evinrude to get there. (oh, yeah, forgot to mention it was mid-winter when we went there…). So, Dad & I are walking around the lake and kinda hurrying because it’s cold. I looked out over the lake as we walked, and I saw this HUGE ragged hole in it, sorta to one side. I made a comment to Dad that I wondered what fell in, and he said it must’ve been an elephant - nothing else was big enough. Then, he suddenly says “Listen! Do you hear it? It’s still under the water, it’s calling for help!”

…and Dad’s farting as he walks, acting like it isn’t him. Well, of COURSE it would be an elephant in the lake - I mean, this is the man who had me on hands and knees as a kid trying to find the runaway elephant under the living room chairs…

At this point, I’m laughing so hard that I walked right off the sidewalk and into a bench on the side. I fell down and sat there in the snow, laughing. What does he do? He keeps walking (and he’s still letting it go, mind you…) and he says, “I’m not staying there with you in the snow - you’re gonna embarrass me! Now get up and come on!”