What's your funny fart story?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Two that come to mind.

A friend was visiting, with her dog. I was relaxing on the couch, the dog was sprawled on my lap getting scritches.

:::sniff::: Oh My Gawd!! :eek:

You know how when an SBD is on the way, you usually have to at least move a bit to let it out? That dog didn’t so much as move a muscle. He proved himself a true master of the stealth stink.

Another one (no dog involved):

Typo Knig got home after work. We all had to go somewhere together right away, so as soon as he came inside and dropped off his work computer, we went out to the car… and discovered he’d evidently eaten something long-dead before the drive home, and had let a few rip in the car on the way home.

We started loudly going EWWWWWW, to which he said “Sorry!”.

My response: “Not HALF as sorry as WE are!!”.

122

Zombie or not, I’m crying with laughter while reading this thread. I laughed so hard that I needed to use my asthma inhaler. :smiley:

123

My story is this:

It was the 1990s. I had about 15 pounds to lose. I’d just started my first desk job. The last two facts were related.

My doctor, a kindly gentleman, gave me the newest diet drug. Not an amphetamine, won’t affect your brain, really safe. It was called Xenical and was the Next Big Thing – a fat blocker! He told me to eat a diet low in fat and this would help block some of the fat I did ingest.

Great, I can do this.

A few weeks later, I went out with friends for some margaritas at the local Mexican watering hole. A couple of pitchers in, we decided that we needed some food to mop up all the tequila. So we ordered…everything, I think. I thought, hey, one time won’t throw off the diet too badly. And I partook.

Many more pitchers of margaritas and probably a few tequila-infused shooters later (the bartender was a neighbor of ours), we all staggered home, which was fortunately just down the street.

I woke up feeling fine, really far better than I had any right to. Nausea? Nope. Headache? Nope. Strangers in my bed? Nope.

Made myself a cup of coffee and had some toast. Read the paper.

At this point, I should mention my cat. Mojo was a huge, 19-pound former tomcat. He wasn’t fat, though; all muscle. He was strong – if he whapped you with his paw when we were playing, you really felt it. And contrary to his slightly sinister looks, he was a complete sweetheart.

So I’m reading the paper, and the cat is sleeping next to my chair.

Pressure builds.

I live by myself and my boyfriend isn’t around, and the cat licks his butthole. So no one was going to be offended…

I let it fly.

The Stench took a minute to fully form, but it was, as others have described, like a green cloud of toxic hell. A stinking miasma overtook the main room in the apartment.

With the sound, Mojo woke up and looked puzzled. With The Stench, he got a look on his furry face that seemed to say both, “What the HELL was that?” and “You are NOT blaming that on me!”

When The Stench took hold and ripened, the cat looked horrified and fled the room.

This horrible story was followed by one of my two horrible poo stories, but I won’t go there.

When I reported this (and the horrible poo incident) to my doctor, who thought it was hilarious, he said, oh yeah…fatty foods can do that on this drug. You should avoid Mexican food.

You’d think they’d put that on as a Black Box Warning, wouldn’t you?

By the way, Xenical is now available OTC as Alli. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

124

Many years ago, I was browsing the software rack in a toy store while my SO waited in the nearby checkout queue. I let out a bit of gas and quietly said “pardon me”, thinking the entire store didn’t need to hear it.

Next thing I know, some weirdo who had been way over by the back wall passed by and not only started complaining that I didn’t say “excuse me” ( :rolleyes: ) but also loudly warned people away from where I was standing.

Dude, if you’re so hung up on normal bodily functions, what the fuck are you doing out in public?

125

Just remembered this one:

When Dweezil was about 22 months old, we took him on his first airplane flight. We had just boarded, and were getting buckled in, when a stench made itself evident.

I turned to my husband and said “PLEASE tell me you farted” (which is not a sentence anyone ever imagines uttering). Nope, not guilty, so we’re faced with the horror of one of THOSE diapers, and dealing with it on a crowded airplane.

A quick check, and evidently Dweezil had let loose a real nosehair-curler of a fart - but that was all - no actual poop. Phew.

126

Okay, I’ll be brave and give you one of my fart stories from a few years back. Hopefully it’s not a repeat:

Today was a terribly long day at work today - not much to do so time was dragging. At lunch time I had to use the bathroom, someone was in the front office one I usually use, so I went into the break room where all the shop workers were gathered and said a cheery hello to them before making my way to the back and into the ladies room there. Did my business and then as I was turning around in the tiny stall and trying to get my pants up and shirt down without getting stuck or falling in the toilet, I noticed the little trash can in there was almost overflowing with paper towels.

Oh, well, that’s easy to take care of. I reached out a foot and put it into the trash can to stomp down. Only, it’s the foot with my walking boot for the broken ankle is on. Stupid oversize clumsy thing that it is, it got stuck. I stood there in this cramped little stall on my good leg and shook the other, trying to get loose from the trash can. No go. I tried to lean forward to push it off my foot, all the while putting my face perilously close to the toilet. I slipped and lost my balance.

In my haste to avoid falling into the toilet I did just that - put my hand smack into it up to the elbow and splashed myself all over. Thankfully I had already flushed, but still. “POOPY!” I yelled to the accompaniment of much splashing and some thuds as I hit the metal side panels of the tiny stall on my way to the floor. I lay there for a moment groaning, I’d banged myself up pretty good on the way down, there being no room to fall gracefully.

It was then as I lay in a semi-crumpled heap upon the floor half-in one stall and half-in the next, wet on the top half and liberally sprinkled with garbage on the bottom that I heard muffled laughter. It was coming from the break room. Hopefully someone just told a joke out there. I squirmed around to get up but discovered my somewhat large frame was wedged tightly under the panel, and I had the toilet at my back, and the stupid trash can still on my booted foot, which was now stuck up in the air and resting upon the far panel.

I noticed as I stopped for breath that the laughter was louder now, nobody could tell a joke that good. Not in this place. Oh man, someone must have heard my fall and especially my shout! Oh man! I gotta get out of here before someone comes in and sees me like this! I scrabbled on the tile floor for some kind of grip to pull myself loose with. My hand came in contact with something behind my head and I grabbed blindly at it and pulled heavily, hoping to get myself loose. THWACK! Hit myself on the head with a toilet brush, and it was now tangled in my hair. “POOPY!” I yelled again, letting go of the handle and reaching up to rub my poor noggin.

I heard loud laughter this time along with several suggestions of what the people in the break room thought I was doing in here. Great. Just great. I grabbed the toilet brush again and pulled on it, but it was tangled solidly in my hair. I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t let my hair grow long! If I had been keeping it cut as short as usual, this would NOT have happened! I huffed and struggled and squirmed, but no way was I able to get myself loose, I was wedged and twisted around all the wrong ways and it just wasn’t happening. Finally I gave up and just hollered “HELP! HELP! HAAAAALP!” and then whimpered a bit in resignation as I waited for the cavalry to come.

There was a lot more laughter and talk followed by footsteps coming to the door of the bathroom. The main door opened and I could just peep out from under the farther stall where my face was and see feet. I could also hear the conversation plainly. “I’m not going in there” - a guy’s voice. Several women followed up with “But you have to! If she’s calling for help, she’s gonna need you guys to get her out, whatever she’s done!” More laughter from the entire break room crowd. Finally I see more feet and they come in past the door. “Jo? Which stall are you in?” I sighed and said “Both of them - on the floor - I’m stuck.” More laughter from all but the helpful and brave guy that ventured into the women’s bathroom. I watched his feet disappear and heard him trying the stall door. “No, come to the end one.” I said to him. I saw his feet again and then his face peeked in the door.

He looked around the stall and then down at me and busted out with hooting laughter as he saw me, soaking wet with a toilet brush wound in my hair, and a few stray bits of garbage alongside of me. In spite of the laughter he came in and grabbed my hands and then pulled me loose. As the rest of me came into view with garbage bits all over and a foot stuck in the garbage can he dropped my hands and doubled over, howling with laughter.

Nobody else could take the suspense anymore and they all trooped in to witness my disgrace. I was helped up by several guys and the trash can removed from my foot, they even brushed off all the garbage and one of the girls came with a full roll of paper towels to try and dry me off. Another of the girls untangled the toilet brush from my hair. One of the other guys worked his way under the stall and unlocked the first door. But they were all giggling the entire time. Finally I was about as presentable as I was going to get and I said thanks and then as we were all trooping out one by one, I farted. Loudly and sonorously. It was beautiful. It was so fitting that I fell down laughing and couldn’t stop and I just sat there in the doorway to the bathroom, laughing like an idiot.

The afternoon was even longer than the morning. Everybody kept reminding me of the dangers of using a bathroom.

127

Wow, what an awful pickle you found yourself in, leaving the others sniffing PickleSniffer.

128

May this thread live as long and continue for as many pages as theWorkplace Griping and Republican Stupidity threads, only with more lulz and fewer mean bosses & politicians.
To fart jokes! Hear hear!

129

My sister was at a store with her toddler daughter. She (my sister) dropped an SBD, and figured she had gotten away with it, since she wasn’t near anybody - except for her daughter, who declared in a voice loud enough for distant ears to hear, “phew, Mommy, you STINK!”

130

There is this one episode of “Mythbusters” where they ask the question “Do pretty girls fart?”

They tested it out by having this female model wear these special electronic underwear which can detect farts.

I cant remember the result but in one funny scene their usual female assistant (whos rather plain looking) asks the men “Why didnt you do the testing on me?”. Whereas they reply “what answer wont get us sued?”.

131

I was teaching my last class for the day yesterday and feeling pretty tired. I felt that rumbling sensation in my stomach so I explained the next task to my students and walked over to the corner of my work space to let loose. It was a long fart but not smelly, so I was feeling relieved on a couple of levels. That was until someone was walking past me made eye contact and laughed at me, it was only then that I realised it may be a empty corner and a no smell fart but I work in a swimming pool. :smack:

132

I remember being in the grocery store when a couple walked by with their little kid. The boy was saying, “Mommy? Daddy farted. Mommy? Daddy farted. Mommy! Daddy Farted! MOMMEEEEE!”

“I KNOW!”

“daddy farted.”

133

It all started because Celtling didn’t want to eat her broccoli. Which is highly unusual for her, but there you have it. I walked into the kitchen to get the Key Lime Pie and told her she needed to eat at least three more bites if she wanted pie. When I came back all seemed well and good; we ate pie.

About four hours later we were in the car with C’Dog, and he lets out a ripsnorter. The first one wasn’t too bad, but it was so loud that he looked at his hiney all worried like, and then began sniffing around in the crack of the seat. I imagine he was trying to figure out what goosed him. Celtling and I started giggling. We were just getting into making up names for him (“Fartapotamus” comes to mind, as does “Fartasaurus”) when he started letting out the dreaded SBDs.

It was freezing cold out, with icy rain falling, so when I opened the windows Celtling immediately begged me to shut them back up. Reluctantly I turned up the fan in the car but rolled up the windows. The conversation turned to green mists and toxic clouds. As is my wont, I tried to move into a science lesson, and began to explain all about sulphur and methane and digestive fermentation.

Finally, he let out the worst of the worst. This cloud would have been deepest scarlet, I think, with a swirl of sinister lurid green forming faint paisley patterns and swirls. I joked that now I had to open the windows because they were all fogged up.

Quoth Celtling: “Yes, yes, hurry up! *** It’s burning my eyes!!***”

134

We have a large auditorium in our work building which can seat around 300 people (large government department) in rows a bit like a movie theatre with the row closest to the front at ‘ground’ level and each row back getting higher. One day I was sitting in one of the back, top rows and the place was completely packed for an important presentation.

There was the usual rumbling chatter you get with a crowd which settled down when the speaker went up to the podium – in that little pause between everything going silent and the speakers first words there was a short but very audible plaarp from somewhere down the front.

Of course there was the usual snickering and things returned to normal but then you could see two people down the front (one on either side of the perpetrator I guess) shaking with contained laughter which eventually spread like a wave until the whole place lost it.

135

I remember having quite the animated argument with a friend about this when I was 8 or 9. I was raised that one tries to not fart in front of people, and we ignore people who do fart. So we don’t say “excuse me”. My friend was from an “excuse me” family.

The argument didn’t become acrimonious because we were talking about farts and kept giggling and snorting madly. :smiley:

136

The episode you refer to is here (She farts at 4:24).

137

Ever have one of those really old primary school teachers who leaks?

138

These aren’t my personal stories but I laugh uncontrollably EVERY time so I thought i’d share these…

I love this video…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJQoxdSFTJ0
and this first date story …
http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny

139

Okay I’ll share another.

Today I went out for dinner with a friend - we splurged and went to McDonald’s - ooh, fancy! Anyway, we like booths when we eat out, so we took our tray around to the back where there’s a narrow walkway and some booths, and we could look into the play area. Nobody else was back there so we had the whole area to ourselves. It was a good lunch and we enjoyed it, then we sat talking for awhile afterwards as we munched on the last few fries. And that’s when the trouble started…

You see, I’ve been following a low-fat diet for the past year… when I have alot of fat in my diet, I have alot of…problems. Naturally I don’t often eat fast food anymore, but now and then I splurge and give in.

Well, the longer we sat there talking…the more I noticed something unpleasant brewing in my stomach…and finally I stopped my friend in mid-conversation and said “We have to go. Now.” and she said “Why? I’m enjoying this!” and I said I was too, but we could talk somewhere else. And then had to break off with an “uh oh” and a very panicked look on my face. My friend looked surprised and said “What? What is it?” I whispered to her “I have to fart!” and she started to laugh at me and whispered back “So what? We’re at the way back in a hidden booth, nobody can see us from here, and the restaurant is mostly empty. Let it go!”

Well, there was no choice left in the matter…let it go I did. I eased up and leaned to one side a bit to try and sneak it out, but that was a BIG mistake. As soon as I did that it was like Old Faithful erupting, right on schedule. The plastic bench I was half-sitting on at that point made a real good sounding board. Of course, with the plastic bench, tile floor and glass windows right across from us, the sound was alarmingly loud, echoing roundly through the narrow passageway…and took forever.

My friend was absolutely NO help to me at all. She started laughing so hard and loud that if anyone in that restaurant had not pinpointed where the toot came from, they would then. Next thing I knew, I was gasping for breath - it stunk BAD. My friend immediately stopped laughing, grabbed her drink, stood up and said in a really loud voice “Oh man that is RANCID!” and walked off fast. I was left to take the tray to the garbage and try to sneak out past the restaurant…which I discovered as soon as I got up was now packed full with people. I tossed the garbage, returned the tray to the top and then turned about-face and walked the opposite way out of the restaurant, thinking the people on the far side would not know it was me if I just kept my cool.

I was doing a pretty good job of it until a voice shouted out over the crowd, “Hey Jo! Was that you exercising your BUTT back there?” and all the guys around the table with him laughed as they saw me wince. Oh no - coworkers! This is going to be all over my workplace come Monday! So I said “Man, there is a really squeaky booth back there that needs fixing!” and hiked it towards the door as fast as I could, but I didn’t make it before he hollered out to more hoots and laughter, this time from everyone on that side of the restaurant “Yeah, it really will need fixing if you MELTED it with that explosion!”

I got outside the restaurant and there was my friend doubled over laughing, still holding her drink, and telling two people in the parking lot about the adventure, then she pointed me out as I came over and I realized that I will not be allowed to live this one down anytime soon.
NO MORE McDonald’s for me! sniff:frowning: And it was only chicken nuggets this time too! Must’ve been the fries…yummy salty delicious hot from the fryer fries too they were…sooo yummy. sniff I can’t ever have fries again…unless I take them and run far away before eating them…and munch down in some lonely place far from humans…of course I’ll have to take a change of pants with me if I do because I almost blew a hole in my jeans today…man that was awful!

140

I had to move back in with my parents, and they got evil dogs. The first dog died at like 20 years old. His wife is still alive, and they have a daughter. The daughter, I named “Superfartdog.” Long story short, superfartdog sleeps with me, farts, wakes up because of her fart, then bites me.