I don’t think it’s “awful,” Qadgop. I think it’s completely natural to want to keep some distance between one’s personal life and one’s professional life. I certainly do. Of course, the problem begins when your behavior causes you distress, and this certainly sounds like what is happening in your case, minor though the distress may be. I wish you the best of luck in working on that.
I suspect that it will be difficult to find a balance that allows you to be a “listener” without then becoming the “healer” as well, by which I mean to say, to incorporate into your personal interaction the qualities you value from your professional life without then further incorporating inappropriate qualities. Everyone likes a good listener, but few are those who want to be told how to solve their every little problem.
Hey Quad I was just funnin’. If I were ever to meet you I’d love to hear all about you and listen to your “top this” stories.
Don’t ever change.*
*[sup] I’m funnin’ again here. Perhaps I can work on that flaw I have of hating smilies. This, coupled with my sarcasm flaw has lead to a few misunderstandings.[/sup]
Balance is always the issue, Knead. I’m a lot better at that than I used to be. And I’ve got tons of friends I’m in touch with on a daily basis, so my narcissism doesn’t seem to impact much on my ability to be sociable. They tell me I’m as egocentric as I ought to be, and sometimes I should just shut up and accept their judgement.
One thing I have learned in my personal life is to not give advice unless asked. Usually my family and friends just want to vent, and I realize I’m not expected to fix them. Of course, that never stops more distant relatives from calling for free medical advice, but I can live with that.
But the thing I loathe most about myself is a tendency to rush to judgement (and not usually in a favorable direction). I’m immediately thinking “That will never work, that’s not worth it, she’s going to bore me, he must be some kind of jerk, what an idiot, this is a terrible idea…” take you choice, fit the phrase to the situation. Basically, I expect the worst and then it’s up to the object/person/situation to prove me wrong–if I even give them the chance. I know I got this from my mom.
I am working extraordinarily hard to change this. And I’m getting better. Much better. But habits of mind are hard to break when they’ve been long set into you, so it’s a long hard effort.
I am as impulsive as all hell. When I want something, I get it. Course, it usually turns out to not be what I wanted, but I gotta learn that the hard way.
When in conversation, the better interlocutors tend to hit the nail on the head, making my mind flood with a bunch of thoughts that I just have to express right away, usually resulting in rude interruptions. Why that reminds me of the time…
Good grief, that’s exactly what I would have written about myself. I am a one woman House of Judgement. My first reaction is always scandalously judgemental.
After struggling with this for a while, I’m not sure I would give it up now. One good thing (I guess) that came out of it is that I catch myself doing it, and compensate by asking myself “What circumstances don’t I know? Is there background that I’m not aware of? Let’s give so-and-so the benefit of the doubt.” Even though my immediate (and very private) reaction is usually along the lines of “What kind of idiot would stay at such an awful job?” by the time I’m responding, I’ve got about 12 things lined up to put on the table. “On one hand, on the other hand, on the third hand… etc.”
It’s hard to say, of course, but I would suspect that without being inclined to such harsh judgements, I wouldn’t have developed the same ability to see the other side of the story.
Cognitive therapist David Burns in his book Feeling Good calls what CrankyAsAnOldMan and delphica are describing the “fortune-teller error” and he sees it as one of the major obstacles to overcoming depression and low self-esteem.
He has several good recommendations for overcoming it. If you find that this issue is causing problems for you, you might want to pick up a copy of his book from your local library.
A good book, knead. It’s real helpful. So you like backrubs too, huh? I love 'em. I’ve got this problem with my left trapezius, a couple of trigger points get knotted and tight and painful a lot, and a good massage, along with a thumper is real helpful. Of course, part of the problem is a partial rotator cuff tear, along with acromio-clavicular joint problems on that side, but after some cortisone injections…oh, damn, damn, damn! I turned the conversation back to myself again! slap, slap!
Sorry, you were saying?