Suppose that your aunt and uncle get divorced, would you stay close with the one that was not related by blood? For this scenario, assume that you were close or at least friendly with the non-related relative.
Feel free to substitute cousins or any other relatives as you see fit.
It really depends on a lot of factors. I am the aunt in the scenario as you described it. Twice!
I am still close to the in-laws I was close to while I was married to when we were married, but not to the brothers I didn’t know very well.
Through the magic of divorce and remarriage I have three ex-mothers-in-law. I’m close to all of them. None of my problems with their sons were caused by these women.
If I’d had issues with them when I was still married it might have shaken out differently. If the divorces had been because I’d treated their sons badly I think I’d be off the Christmas card list, but that’s not how it happened.
Why would I give up a friendship with somebody I like just because someone else decided they didn’t like them any more?
For the other side of the coin, I don’t see any reason for being friendly to people related by blood to me simply because they are related by blood to me. If you’re a shitty person, I’m not going to care about you.
Easy one. I don’t know why people over complicate this.
Determine relation (blood relative or in-law).
Determine fault (blood relative’s or in-law’s).
Determine relationship (like or dislike).
Act according to what makes sense regarding above criteria.
Example being, if say, I dislike my uncle but like his wife (aunt-in-law) and he cheats on her and they get a divorce, then I will like him even less but still be cordial at family events. The ex-aunt-in-law will be wished well but I see no need to pursue that relationship as she should be permitted to go on with her life without ties or reminders of how much of a jerk my uncle (her ex) is/was/will continue to be.
In other words, I advocate strongly for cutting loose of the <fill in blank>in-laws, regardless of fault. It’s really in everyone’s interest.
Kids are a protected class. Unless they are growing up to be jerks, always be kind and inclusive of them. It’s not their fault their parents split up.
My aunt and uncle split up and I still regard my aunt as my aunt. She was always there as I was growing up, she was the one who picked out all my birthday presents. She’s really, really nice.
Unfortunately, their divorce was horror. He was foul to her, told lies about her to everyone, told his mother, my grandmother, that she was a nymphomaniac (yeah :rolleyes:), used the children as go-betweens and on and on. He’s my uncle, but frankly, for some time now, he’s just been a total wanker.
For our ten year anniversary, my SO & I would have loved to have only invited my lovely aunt. But my uncle is blood and he is also my godfather and I had to invite him. I sent an invitation to my aunt, so that she would know that I did want her there. My mum tactfully communicated that my uncle had also RSVPed and she declined.
My uncle used to be a nice, fun guy when he had my aunt around. To our anniversary party he showed up looking unkempt, was a bit rude to other guests and gave me The House of the Spirits as an anniversary gift… for me. Or something. He must have had some vague recollection that “gracer likes reading”.
So for me, I grew up with my aunt as family and to me she is family. End of. I look forward to seeing her soon. My mum is also in touch with her, as are some other aunts.
You see cutting ties with a wronged party as a favor to them?
For an aunt or uncle, I wouldn’t really be close enough with either to maintain any ties further than “see you at Christmas with the rest of the family.”
But for a closer example, my father got remarried when I was about 18, then got divorced about three years later. I made efforts to stay in touch with my step-mom even after the divorce. In fact, even after I cut off ties with my father. She was invited to my wedding and he wasn’t.
For me, the decision of whether to have a relationship with someone is totally independent of blood or legal connections. If I like you, I will have a relationship with you. If I don’t like you, but you are attached to someone I do like, then I will be polite.
Not so much pro-actively cutting as not holding the person to them.
My cousin and his wife divorced after 20 yrs of marriage. I have stayed close to my cousin’s ex who I just refer to as my cousin because that is the relationship we have.
It would depend on whether I was close to that person before. It’s just like “who keeps the friends”; unless one or the other did something really horrible, people usually stay friends with whichever member of the couple they were closest to.
My dad’s brother and his first wife (LONG story there) divorced many years ago and she has since died, but I never thought of her as anything other than my aunt, mainly because they had a child together.
There is, however, a situation elsewhere in my extended family where the father and HIS whole family just disappeared. The kids have nothing to do with any of them, and don’t even hit them up for money. Nobody will tell me why, and considering that I know about some of the things SHE did (and they have a great relationship with her), I probably don’t want to know. Let’s put it this way: she considered playing the “false sexual abuse charges” game, and didn’t only because the kids themselves said they weren’t going to undergo exams to prove he didn’t do it. :eek:
I agree, why be friendly to people related by blood simply because they are related by blood to me? I won’t go into detail, but I have lost a lot of respect for a blood relative, and although I do not plan to be rude to this person, I don’t plan to ever initiate getting together or anything else with this person. In other words, pretty much no contact.
Obviously you couldn’t force them to remain close to you if they didn’t want to be, that’s not the issue.
I think my point’s been lost in translation.
I would take my cues from the ex-in-law in question. Remain close? - Sure. Get some distance and get on with their life apart? - No problem.
Obviously, the latter makes more sense to me than the former. Make of that what you will. <shrug>
My brother and his wife got divorced after 25 years of marriage. I’m still friends with his ex, who I actually like more than my brother.
This, I have done this ever since I left home. On my graduation night, I left home and the state. I have stayed in touch with family that I like and am polite to the others. I am only rude when forced to be, yes, some of them force me to be rude to them.
As far as in-laws, if I like them, we stay in contact. I invited a divorced BIL to my wedding. He showed up and my sister left shortly afterwards. After this, he and I had a good time. I do not appreciate her as much as she thinks I should.
I have divorced cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles that I stay in contact with.
I also have some aunts that are actually no relation to me by blood. My cousins on our dads side have aunts from their moms side. I call them aunt Elly, aunt Betty, etc. We are friends, even though some of them are divorced from their SO.
Their SO divorced them, I did not! Since we all agree that loosing our relationship through divorce was a sad thing, we chose to not divorce each other.