When friends stay close to people who hurt you

I’m sure it’s been done before but I couldn’t find it.

Without getting specific, what do you think when friends remain oh so chummy with someone (could be an ex or even just another friend) who fucked you over? I’m not just talking about a break-up, I mean someone who really treated you like shit. Is it the same as condoning their actions? How do you deal with what feels like a betrayal?

Specifically now, I realise I’m probably overreacting as I’m so emotional but I still can’t get over how they all still hang out with this person like it’s ok to screw another friend over as long as they are fun to hang out with! I’m seriously reconsidering my relationships with these people.*

*most likely highly emotionally charged reactions but still hurts like hell :frowning:

You just need to continue to be a good friend to the “still so chummy” friends and let them find out, on their own, why you think the ex-friends are assholes. You don’t need to cut them down or even mention them at all. Just sit back and wait…what comes around goes around…They’ll show their true colors…
It may take awhile though, I hope you’re a patient guy

Been there, done that.

Never talk to the friend anymore. I regret losing touch with him.

I’d advise being patient and open.

This has happened to me a few times, Mr. Jim. Yes, like you, it really ticked me off enormously, especially when the ex-friend was openly talking shit about me to my best friend! When he told me what she said, then I took that opportunity to question his reasons for still hanging out with her. In the end, though, there was nothing I could do but wait. You do have all my sympathy, though. It really chafes.

<nods> yeah, it’s gonna take a while, but I suggest not burning bridges over it.

I knew someone who was divorcing her abusive ex-husband. We’ll call him “Jerk” and her “Xena.” Because Jerk was a fun guy to be around, being a social alcoholic and all, many people were loathe to give up his friendship. Xena, dealing with post-abuse issues, was loathe to give up all of her immediate friendship circles.

But, after a month or two, she began to question, as you are, if by continuing to be friends with Jerk, her friends were actually condoning his actions and his side of things. Xena knew, for instance, that Jerk was spreading very malicious rumors about her.

Xena cut off all ties with said friends. Within a six-month period, she had gone out of her way to make newer (some might even say better) friends. After about the same amount of time, Jerk began to show his true colors, calling up friends at all hours, getting drunk and berating them. People didn’t want to be Jerk’s friends anymore.

Some important questions to ask yourself: What do your friends gain from this person’s friendship? How are they supporting you, if at all? Evaluate what you gain from these friendships and consider what the situation may be like in three or six months.

Thanks guys. I’m still feeling rather hot headed but I think I will heed the advice and try to remain neutral and take the high road. Evaluating friendships should not be done in moments of anger.

Things went wrong between you and your friend/s.o. (you weren’t clear). Your mutual friends shouldn’t be asked to choose between you and this other person. In fact, if you insist (or even just expect) that they cut their friendship with him/her, you’re really being vindictive, and you don’t want to do that.

If the other person really was a jerk, be the better person and let it go. Don’t spread rumors about the other person or malign them in any way. Just say “things ended unhappily” and let it be at that. Be the better person. It may not feel like it, but people can always see who the better person is. Those things come back to you.

Yes, do wait for some time. Like others have said, if the person who hurt you is truly so bad, it will become apparent to your other friends down the road and they can react accordingly.

Just a thought… maybe your friends are also waiting to see what happens between you and this other person? Speaking from my own experience, I am now more cautious about becoming outraged and cutting friendships on someone else’s behalf, after the two people involved made up and then decided I was not a worthy friend for too quickly picking sides. :rolleyes:

Be veeery careful about people who willingly go out of their way to hurt the feelings of others. Such intentional maliciousness is usually symptomatic of much deeper character flaws and issues. Sometimes these can manifest in truly dangerous ways. People who play mind games are real losers and should be avoided.

Just my 2¢.

Maybe because they don’t know the whole story and are loathe to be pulled into the middle of this?

Sunfish makes a good point about picking a winner before the race is over. Ouch, bad simile! What I mean is, it may be too early to tell that you are truly no longer friends with the hurter.

From experience, though, I’d guess that the person who is continuing to be friends with the hurter is being politically savvy and trying to make sure of having as many friends and allies as possible. Not very compassionate, and a little shallow, but there you are. Consider the possibility that your friend doesn’t have the guts to stand up for beliefs. You’d be surprised how often people who seem strong and able to take care of themselves are actually in a constant panic about trying to keep everyone happy.

My advice is, continue to be friends with the friend, but ramp down your trust level until you can figure out what the world looks like to this person.