The other day I took my nephew to the park so he could terrorize the townsfolk, because he’s a Rhymer and that’s how we roll. While we were tossing around the frisbee we discussed the various occasions when it is appropriate for men to cry. Off the top of my head I came up with 4:
[ol]
[li]When your dog dies, but you must weep in private. (This does not apply to cats, by the way, as the cat will not mourn when YOU die, unless by “mourn” you mean “eat the corpse.”) Exception: if you have to shot the dog because it has rabies, and it caught rabies protectig you from a mad animal intent on giving you rabies, you may cry about this in public, but only while you still have the rifle in hand.[/li][li]When your brother or best friend has just been murdered by Orcs/Cylons/Klingons/Skrulls/etc. However, and you must first avenge his death, and you are allowed only a single tear from the corner of your left eye. If you dont’ have any tear ducts in that eye due to a previous battle injury, tough noogies.[/li][li]When the only girl (or boy) you’ve ever loved has just been left you because you are too emotionally closed off to provide her (or him) with a spiritually nourising relationship, you are allowed as many tears as you can squeeze out in 30 seconds, but you must first hit your thumb with a hammer to give proper cover.[/li][li]When you have just hit your thumb with a hammer. But it either has to be an accident or look like one.[/li][/ol]
Along the lines of item 1: if you are a cowboy it is ok to cry if your horse dies. But only around other cowboys, and only at the nightly campfire when recounting the heroic deeds you and your horse had been through.
When you’re discussing the death of a parent or spouse or child or sports hero or faithful pet, but you have to tell the crowd at large that “whoever’s smoking, take it outside because it’s bugging my eyes.”
7 - Upon the death of your primary caregiver/parent/mentor, you are allowed to choke up and become moist in the eyes. This is allowed for as long as it takes to complete a 5-6 sentence eulogy. You also only get one of these in your life for your most significant caregiver/parent/mentor. So if you take it for Obi-wan you don’t get it for Aunt Beru or Yoda.
If you are kicked in the jimmy.
At the end of the previously mentioned movies, Old Yeller, Platoon, Saving Private Ryan, Gladiator and a few others.
If you have, in fact, just survived the storming of Normandy Beach
If your partner (the cop kind, not the homo kind…but I guess that’s ok too) is killed in the line of duty.
When you’ve let someone you care about go instead of shooting them like they deserved even though you had them at gunpoint, because you remembered the good times, but only while emptying your clip into the air, yelling “NOOOOOO!!!”
You can cry, on screen even, but only after you’ve spent 30 or 40 years in the movies playing tough guys, wiseguys, jerks, killers, and nihilists. See: Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson.
When you’re stranded in the desert with a severe water shortage and a filter so that you can remove the salt from your tears in order to save the lives of your compatriots.
Not only is it appropriate to cry in that situation, it is downright manly!
