Ok, so when is it okay to involve your kids in a divorce or failed relationship?
Let’s say you’re a mother. Let’s say you were married, oh, 17 years, and then got divorced.
Let’s say you get divorced when you have a 12 year old daughter and an 18 year old son. Is it okay to mail your court papers to your 18 year old son and ask him to reason with his father to work out something fair for you? Is it okay to subpoena your son and his girlfriend to testify against the ex in court?
Is it okay to send weekly, sometimes daily emails, detailing the unfairness of the court process and the legal abuse you must suffer at the hands of the father? Is it okay to constantly report back to the 12 year old and encourage her to record phone conversations you have with your ex while he isn’t aware his daughter is listening?
Let’s say, hypothetically, this goes on for 6 years, and now the daughter is nearly 18 and the son is 25.
If your ex threatened to throw you into jail for violating a custody order, how involved should your kids be? Can you call your 25 year old son and plead for him to help you stay out of jail? Does this answer change depending on whether or not you actually deserve to go to jail or not?
Is it okay to blatantly disregard your child’s repeated pleas to leave you out of it? Is it okay for you to approve and encourage when your 90 year old mother calls your son and bitches about how disappointed she is in his behavior because he is the only one who can save his family from the abuse of his father?
Here’s an important one – let’s say you, the mother, endured an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive marriage with the ex. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, the ex is now trying to destroy you financially. Does this fact justify involving your kids? Do you have a right for your emotional truth to be heard no matter how upsetting it is for your children to hear about it constantly? Are your children, in asking you to please leave them out of it, engaging in blaming the victim behavior?
And say you’ve repeatedly been told that your children are in no way denying the abuse you have suffered or the pain you’ve endured, they simply do not feel it is appropriate for them to be involved in your divorce or to hear about it constantly?
Is the following response batshit insane denial, or true justification:
*’'Anyhow, I remain that you are family members and just don’t want to know about bad things that have happened to us. Better to know the problems that are there than cover them up and have them seep into your lives in other ways - and I know as a therapist and from my own experience, that the things not faced and sometimes difficult to recognize can be very damaging and their very murkiness (from difficulty defining what went on or from denial) have far reaching effects.
I am staggered about the amount of money (ex’s wife) must have to keep up the living expenses, etc. I wonder how it is though to take money from someone in need and spend it on extras. I’m glad I don’t have to carry that one with me - karma or accountability to God.’’*
My final question – and the most important one – IF this is wrong, then how in the FUCK do I get this crazy bitch to leave me and my husband alone? We’ve tried everything from supportive loving kind requests to telling her she’s looney tunes and unfit to be a therapist. I would walk away in a hearbeat if it weren’t for the need to be supportive and a part of our sister’s life. At present I just set my email account to filter out all emails that contain ex’s first name.
I’m totally open to hearing that she is totally justified in this behavior, because I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to wonder if my husband and I are the dysfuncitonal ones for trying to silence the truth about her abuse. But I am also at my wit’s end. 6 years of this. The kid will be 18 in November, and it can’t come soon enough.
Thank you that will be all.