Xanax.
I’m not sure how useful this is. And I almost didn’t post it. But I’d typed it, so thought I’d share anyway.
Basically, as others have said… meditation.
A poster here, I think his name was/is **Meatros **had in his signature; “This universe is an uncaring and amoral place. It owes you nothing and you owe it nothing. If you can wrest happiness from it, at any point, then cherish it. Revel in that happiness.”
I use it to put things in perspective. As soon as I begin to put a lot of importance in something that brings me down, I use this quote to realize that my thoughts/desires are fairly insignificant with respect to the power and flow of the universe. And as I wrest happiness from any minute through the day, I do cherish it.
Another quote came from a therapist I once met. He said to “remember that most of the unhappiness in life comes from unfilled expectations”. From this, one can try to take a deeper look at their expectations and categorize how important or silly they are.
That’s all I got, but I can still spare a hug or two. 
The equivalent of that is what I do too for almost everything. I just say what I am going to do and let others work with that information. I am plenty old enough now that nothing needs to be organized like a grade school field trip. People can show or not but it isn’t going to affect anything that I have planned.
I will show exactly when I say I will so I can be the reliable one but I don’t let it inconvenience me if people don’t cooperate. If people don’t show up to a restaurant within a few minutes of when they said they would, I will just start without them with people that are already there or even just leave if they are really late. The same goes for everything else. If you don’t like being left behind, figure out how to stop lying about when you will be at a given location.
I don’t really care if it is flakiness, irresponsibility or passive aggressiveness that made them late. It will not affect me anymore because the firm rule that I have is that I always control my own transportation. I will drive someone else if they insist but that also means that they go where and when I say they do. That is the cost of the free ride and they are free to find another one if they want to change their own plans.
I have been much happier since I internalized this set of personal rules and have never been burned by it. People quickly learn that you are serious and not to be airheaded or lying manipulators if you hold fast just a few times.
I suspect your upset is grounded in anxiety. Anxiety can often look like irritation when things don’t go your way. Sudden life changes can make you feel out of control.
I third the recommendation for meditation or mindfulness practice. I like water metaphors. Visualize a passing stream and all of your feelings and thoughts just flow along that stream, let them come and go, etc.
There’s also a really phenomenal book grounded in mindfulness practice called Radical Acceptance.Can’t recommend it more highly.
Try to ignore the Buddha talk, it’s just a flavor of Zen Buddhism that emphasizes mindfulness, no woo. There are a ton of credible research studies indicating that meditation is just about as effective as regular exercise as raising baseline mood, lowering anxiety and even causing the growth of new brain cells. Over the long term, it can alter the structure of your brain. A lot of these techniques have been adapted for evidence-based treatments such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness Practice and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Buddha is fine but there is a different path as well. I went through a lot of therapy a number of years ago to try to teach me how to deal with all the stresses and pressures in my life. None of it worked to say the least.
I decided to take a completely different approach that I felt drawn to and seems obvious in retrospect. It is a very simple and practical idea but is difficult for most people to execute - get rid of everything you can in your life that you don’t like and rebuild the things that you do.
I am well known for being opposed to the idea of marriage for example but I love being a parent. Reconciling those ideas was a painful and very hard nut to crack but my ex and I found a way to do it successfully. I hated the stress and lack of control in my job 10 years ago so I found a better one where I have lots of responsibility but also lots of control and freedom plus absolute authority and my own office (very important). I completely cut off close family members that were toxic relationships permanently and rebuilt relationships with the ones that were salvageable. I want to be single but I don’t like housework so I bought a smaller place that is as automated as possible. My bills pay themselves and I get at least four vacations a year. All I have to do is show up at home (or not). Everything is always taken care of.
I take some rough ideas from Buddhism as well. For instance, I always liked fishing even though I am unusually bad at it. There is a lake right down the street from work and I having a fishing pole in my car. I like to go on a trail around it during lunch and make a few casts. I never catch anything and I am not sure what I would do if I did but it is relaxing and gets me back to nature. I go for a long walk after I fail at fishing once again.
My point is that some people accept a life that is way more difficult than it should be. It is almost never easy to break out of the status quo and nearly impossible for some but it can be done in some cases. I look at all of the people in unhappy marriages, living in expensive areas that they don’t really enjoy or working in jobs that aren’t worth it to them and think that they would be much better off if they just made some radical changes. It is going to be painful in the beginning but the potential upside is higher the lower you currently are. Changing your living environment to suit you better can be much more effective than all of the therapy and meditation in the world.
I don’t think our approaches are really at odds, it just depends on the particular issue you’re dealing with. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, for example, is great for people with chronic illness and chronic pain, whether mental or physical. It doesn’t preclude making behavioral or environmental changes to improve your circumstances, but emphasizes learning to manage as best you can with the fundamental understanding that your illness is just a part of your life.
It is absolutely true a lot of people stay in bad jobs or in bad relationships or cling to life circumstances that just make things unnecessarily hard. I would never advocate not making whatever changes you can to build a life that more closely aligns with your values. But no lifestyle you build is going to be completely free of stress and worry. There will always be sickness, loss and pain - and plans changing at the last minute! Some people have a harder time accepting that than others. That is why I’ve found mindfulness helpful.
If you went through major life changes, then it could be stress manifesting itself in unexpected ways.
About two years ago, my wife gave birth to our first child, my mom was diagnosed and subsequently died of cancer, we moved to a bigger, nicer but more expensive condo, I lost my job (which I hated, but liked many of the people I worked with and the work we did), subsequently found a new job (which I like, but initially required 80% travel, mostly by myself), all within about a one year period. That’s a lot of extreme change in a relatively short period of time.
What I found helpful was having something positive to focus on. Certainly, having a small child helped with that, but they are also a lot of work.
I also joined a team with some of my friends at a bar I drink at to run in one of those Tough Mudder / Sparten style races. So the routine of training for the race helped give me something positive to focus on, besides the mundane grind of hunting for a job or awkwardly hanging out around the house while the nanny cares for the baby, or getting drunk at my favorite bar every night.
Ironically, a year or so later, I actually feel a bit anxious because everything has been “going my way”.
I am sincerely sorry about your mother but I am happy for you for the birth of your child. That is one of the most important things of all. Nobody has control over unexpected life events and you should never feel guilty when things are going right. Enjoy it while it lasts and make the most of it.
Thank you everyone, there was a lot of earnest, helpful feedback here. To respond to some of the recurring suggestions:
Yes, exercise is helpful. I work out most days of the week, and have been in that practice for about a decade now, because I do indeed find exercise as a great way to cope with stress, as well as give me something to focus on and look forward to.
Meditating is not helpful. After reading a book which mentioned the benefits of meditating, I spent about a month devoting 10 or so minutes in the morning to meditating. I just didn’t find it helpful in my life, which is rather sad because I know it works well for other people.
A couple people mentioned just going ahead and doing what you wanted anyways, as in “You guys may want to go to that bar, but I’m going to this one!” This is actually a technique I would sometimes employ when I was younger, but as I got older, I found that it didn’t suit me as well. Essentially, my friendships are more important to me than what location we meet at or at what time we meet, and if it means compromising what I want to maintain and strengthen my friendships, I want to do that.
Ellen Cherry I like your suggestion of remembering that this is temporary. I don’t know exactly when it will end, but I think remembering that it’s not forever at least makes me feel less desperate and helpless.
**Jtur88 **I just went and read Desiderata for the first time, since I don’t think I’ve ever read it before. It was a nice alternative to the Serenity prayer. The Serenity prayer is beautiful, and a great thing for me to remember right now, but I’ve heard it so many times that it can be hard to still actually focus on the meaning of the words, rather than simply reciting them. This poem was unfamiliar enough that I could focus on the words and glean meaning from them.
Shunpiker, what you said speaks right to the heart of what my problem is. I think a lot of what I wrestle with is expectations, and that rather than enjoying simple moments, I come in with overly high expectations. In the past month, I have actually had conversations with a couple friends where I wrestled with the idea of how to lower expectations without lowering standards. And even, honestly, just how to lower expectations, since it’s the kind of thing that’s easier said than done. Your quote from Meatros actually reminds me of a quote from another SD poster that I copied down. I think it was from even sven, but I’m not sure: “When it comes to friendships and relationships, you are not entitled to anything. If you call someone, you are not entitled to receive a call back. If you love someone, you are not entitled to be loved back. You are not entitled to anyone’s companionship, anyone’s support, anyone’s company, anyone’s continued friendship. People are entirely free to put in as much or as little effort as they feel like putting in. Friendships and relationships are maintained not because you deserve it, but because both parties want that continued relationship.” It’s a hard thing to internalize, but frequently reminding myself of this helps.
Shagnasty, I don’t want to go into too much detail, but what you described is a process I went through recently: leaving behind my old work project, and also leaving behind a couple extracurriculars that involved being around people who weren’t helping me to grow. I started fresh and am in a much better place than I was this time last year. I think my problem now is more resisting the temptation to hold on too tightly. I have some strong friendships with people who have a lot on their plates right now, which means I have to be very flexible to when and how we communicate, and that’s rough, especially when I’m going through changes and want someone to talk to.
Several people also mentioned finding something to look forward to. I remember a few years back, I wrote a list of things to look forward to in my journal. Maybe I’ll do something like that again. And if the list is short, maybe I’ll do something about that.
I was extremely skeptical about mindful meditation, but I was having some serious issues with anxiety a few years back and decided to try it. I take pretty interesting medication already and I didn’t want to add a permanent medicinal solution to the anxiety if I could keep it controlled with non-pharmaceutical methods. My doctor teaches a relaxation clinic four times a year and I enrolled. It was centered around mindful meditation. I’ll still grab a Xanex if the heebie jeebies are off the charts, but for day to day use, I definitely prefer the meditation.
Also, exercise is helpful. Look around and see if there is a class you can join so you can fulfill the need for socialization as well.
Thanks! For the most part, it has the desired effect. If not, then at least it makes me laugh as I’m the only one acting in my little stage play.
Well, without the comedy. 
You definitely need to throw your hands in the air and behave like a thespian who is just glad to have any job, even if it is off, off, off Broadway in Schenectady.
I wouldn’t say guilty. More like I’m worried about getting too comfortable. Or, I’m just so used to having shitty jobs where I had to work long hours to meet impossible deadlines working for jerks that it’s hard getting used to a company that doesn’t treat it’s employees like crap.
I think what has worked for me to utterly relax and find my inner peace is to completely lower my expectations, like shunpiker mentions and you seem to have picked up on.
I don’t expect anyone to go with me to concerts or movies anymore. I don’t expect anyone to call me to hang out or throw parties that I’m invited to. I don’t expect my brother and his family with two small kids to ever do anything or go anywhere. I don’t expect my parents to give me a hand or want to go do something. I don’t expect my business partner to even be at work ever.
And then when any of that stuff happens, I am really happy! And it seems to happen all the time! Instead of walking around being disappointed that stuff didn’t happen I don’t even think of it. “Doesn’t happen” is the norm and “happens” is the pleasant surprise.
It also helps that I have learned to be happy with doing stuff myself, which has taken probably 10 years of living alone. And working from home! (I’ve worked by myself from home for 11 years now) It took a long time to feel right about it, and you’re transitioning in to that too. Not just from being out of the office but being physically separated from your husband and kids. I’ve made it to the point where I have my own schedule and own activities - most of which are flexible - and when these un-expected events happen I fit them them in with relative ease.
Anyway, not sure if that is helpful or I am just weird. Good luck - working from home definitely takes a toll on your general demeanor. Sometimes I feel like an outright psycho because of it!
I agree. You sound like an extrovert, someone who gets energized by interacting with others.
Toastmasters might be a fun thing for you to do.
I like this, reminds me of the cup is half full or half empty and you choose to think of it as half full.
I’m always like, “what the fuck am I supposed to do with half a cup of whatever the hell this is?”
I love this! I tried employing it this weekend, and it worked beautifully, because every time someone started a conversation with me I felt so pleased with the simple fact that someone wanted to talk to me! It’s still a little hard, though, just because I find it a bit depressing to start from the default view that “so-and-so will probably back out of these plans.” But I think it’ll become easier as I slowly get more comfortable with being alone. Sunday I spent a lot of time around the house, cleaning up and organizing some old writing that I have, and I got very absorbed in reading over some old journal entries of mine. I think if I can get plans in place that are interesting enough that I’ll still have something to do if a person cancels plans, then it’ll be easier for me to accept “doesn’t happen” as the default while still maintaining a positive demeanor and not getting thrown off kilter.
I think for me, probably the biggest stress reliever and calmer is to keep things in their proper perspective. It’s all too easy to get wound up way out of proportion to what’s actually happening and let it affect your well being.
For example, my wife and I recently had our master bathroom/closet renovated. It took longer than expected, and was stressful in the meantime, because we had to share a bathroom with our boys, and bend our schedules around using that bathroom. My wife stressed out about the whole thing a LOT; it was really bothering her that it was late, and that it was such an inconvenience, etc…
I made a conscious decision early on to just roll with it; after all, I could still take showers, and do everything I did before, it just wasn’t as convenient. So I didn’t stress about it- as long as work was getting done, I considered it steps toward the goal, and celebrated the successes, instead of looking at the unfinished part and getting pissy about how much more there was to be done.
I think that sort of reframing of one’s thoughts is very important in situations like this. You’ve moved onto a new project and into a new house. Why not try and concentrate on the opportunities and benefits of those two things- surely both of them weren’t entirely negative?
It’s an adjunct to readjusting your expectations in my mind- if you are not expecting unrealistic things or behaviors, and concentrating on the positives to be had, you’ll be a lot happier.
I really like this approach. I understand sometimes that my expectations are out of whack, but sometimes I’m not sure how to adjust my expectations without lowering them. I mean, sometimes you legitimately need to lower your expectations, but you don’t want to lower them so much that you don’t have any standards. Anyways, I like this because it kind of re-frames the thing: rather than nixing certain things from your list of expectations, you ask yourself what’s important, and then only include what’s truly important in your list of standards/expectations.
Well I’ll be darned! I never expect anyone to follow my advice, let alone benefit from it (even though I try to give only the best advice) so by you being happy with the approach it made me happy x10 