Someone I know has just recently become a father. He is a longstanding good acquaintance of mine. We meet each other regurlarly in the pubs and have nice social conversations. I wouldn’t, however, consider him a close friend. We don’t share the intimate ups and downs of life, I haven’t been to his house before etc. His wife I know simularly socially except that our acquaintance is shorter and she is quite quiet so that I don’t know her that well.
A mutual friend (whose friendship with the couple is closer) suggested that we go out to his place see the baby this week. This would be about five days after the happy event. Not many of my friends have had babies, so I am not familiar with the etiquette but to me it feels a bit like an imposition to go and visit this soon when I’m not a close friend or family.
Any ideas? Dopers with children: Did you welcome lots of visitors to show off your child to many people and share the joy and excitement? Or did you prefer to spend time on your own with your baby or stick to a more intimate group of friends and family? Any comments appreciated.
Personal opinion here, of course, but I’d wait until the couple invites you. For starters, some parents are extremely worried about germs with newborns. For another, she may look and feel like hell and wants no visits except from those family members who are there to help. Entertaining is pretty tough after childbirth. It’s extremely tiring and it takes weeks to months to get the old energy level back up.
Plus, hormones can be really shaky right after the baby is born.
My WAG - phone them and ask if you can stop by with a casserole and ask when it would be convenient for them. They’ll let you know if they’re up for visitors. They are quite likely not up for casual visitors in general, but if you make it brief, and contribute rather than expecting to be entertained (hence the casserole) they may welcome the visit.
In general, I was not up for “tourists” for a few weeks after my kids were born. This caused quite a bit of family angst after Moon Unit was born - she spent time in the NICU and we really could have used family to help out with Dweezil at that time but they said they couldn’t come. The day she came home though, they announced they were coming for a visit that weekend. And were bitterly offended when we said we might not be up for it (and we weren’t, we were overwhelmed with dealing with a preemie and an autistic 2 year old). I’m still furious with them over that.
If the new parents say they’re not up for visitors, don’t be offended. Let them know you’ll call back in a few weeks.
I was frustrated at the parade of visitors within the first couple of weeks. I was exhausted, the baby couldn’t really handle all the cuddling and cooing without getting cranky, my house was a mess because I had no energy to do much more than take care of the baby and myself. For those I was really close to - my best friend, husband’s best friend, it wasn’t so bad, but I wasn’t really thrilled about the people up the street coming by, or a few well-intentioned coworkers that I only really knew from work, etc.
That’s just my opinion. If it were me, I wouldn’t go so soon, and would likely wait until invited anyway.
Just a comment/warning on the casserole: sometimes people who have new babies or other reasons why someone thinks they could use some food brought in find themselves overwhelmed. Annie Neighbor brings a 9x13 in. lasagna Monday, Susie Co-Worker a casserole Tuesday, Janie Church a meatloaf Wednesday, Davie Golf Buddy some potato salad and fried chicken Thursday. Each helpfully bringing enough food to last multiple meals because one is so busy with a newborn (or whatever). Then if Mom planned ahead and loaded her own freezer in preparation, they are swimming in food–and may not even be hungry.
That isn’t to say that offering to take a meal or part of a meal is a bad idea, I just know that sometimes that what seemed like a good idea when one person offers can become overwhelming when all the possible visitors do it. Especially if they all bring a cake or a pie or a dozen cookies as well as the various main dishes.
When you get the invite to the graduation open house…
The first week is busy and sleep deprived.
The second week not much better.
By the third week hubby has returned to work. Which means things get both more challenging and easier. You’ve gotten used to sleep deprived and may want to start showing baby off.
I’d say between three and six weeks is the sweet spot - you are still exhausted, but starting to get a little bored and what to show off what you spent nine months making (look what I did!) - but don’t drop by. Call and make sure. And rather than a casserole or a gift, I’d bring a pack of size two diapers.
Another important thing is to keep your visit BRIEF. Under no condition should you stay longer than an hour. Be alert. If you notice that your hosts are distracted, or busy, or sleepy, say your farewells and leave.
Be sure you’re expected (either via specific invitation or from a positive response to a request). ASK if there’s anything needed that you can bring. They may have just run out of bread, or laundry detergent, for example.
Don’t expect service. There’s another, newer, person who’s getting all the service right now.
From my recollections of <mumblemumblemumble> years ago, I was extraordinarily glad to see adult visitors just for the chance to have an adult conversation about something other than baby needs. But not too many at a time, and not for too long.
I’ve decided to wait a little bit. This was my instinct anyway, but the friend who suggested the visit seemed to think it was the most natural thing for me to be there. I think for her it actually is, but she’s a much closer friend and she probably either didn’t realise or forget that in the excitement of the moment.
I would have said visitors after week 4 or so. Stay no longer than 20-30 minutes. Call beforehand, even if you’ve “made an appointment”–with a baby things crop up really quickly, and literally overnight, and what was once fine last week may not still hold true that day.
Don’t bring anything for baby (that’s what the shower was for, and chances are, there are already enough cute outfits/blankets/rattles), but something for the family (gift certificate to pizza delivery place/video rental/etc.) would be nice. I’d vote against brining food. When I was nursing, I found there were many things that while I could tolerate, Hallboy could not. I hated finding out the hard way that I’d mistakenly eaten onions in a casserole or something else.