Where are the rewards in being a good person?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I try my hardest to be a good person. I try to be kind to everyone. I try to be honest, honorable, ethical, selfless, tolerant, patient, socially aware, helpful, understanding, diligent, generous, and so on…

But often, I find myself with the short end of the stick.

I try to be selfless in all things and I try not to do things for the thanks or for the rewards. I figure, that’s not really selflessness.

The thing is, I always sort of thought being a good person had inherent rewards. Like everybody would see it and treat you better. But very rarely does it work that way- instead, people assume you won’t mind and so they keep you waiting longer or they take all their crap out on you or take advantage. “I owe you money? My family’s struggling right now, so I can’t pay you back.” Patience, understanding, selflessness… I figure, if I can help them in any way and it doesn’t kill me, I should do it. I figure, I know I can handle the inconvenience and that’s my choice and it’s unfair of me to inflict any inconvenience on others in favor of my own comfort.

My sister, on the other hand, is an incredible bitch. She gets her way all the damn time. And although people complain about doing it, nobody wants to deal with a meltdown from her. So she gets shiny shiny Christmas gifts, she gets to sit in the front seat, she gets her instrument of choice in music class, she even got to move into my bedroom while I got kicked down to the basement. All because nobody wants to deal with her when she doesn’t get her way.

So what is the right path in life? Being bitchy and getting your way all the time looks awfully attractive right now, but can people like that really stand themselves? Why on earth do people like them? Do they get theirs more often than I see? Is trying to be good worth it, or should I just forget it and go over to the dark side? Does being good sink into your brain so you stop wanting so much and stop being a bad person eventually?

2

Being a good person is something we do because we ought to do it, not out of a hope of reward.

However, there’s a difference between being a good person and letting people walk all over you; one can stand up for oneself when one is being mistreated, without being an asshole.

3

If I remember correctly, you’re still in high school. Everyone around you is a jackass. It will get a little better when you’re out in the world.

Read Miss Manners. She will tell you over and over again that there is nothing rude about saying, “No.”

4

I think one reward is just making you feel good about yourself. I am a nice person and sometimes a doormat. I get sick of being a nice person once in a while but then I consider how much loathing I have for not-nice people and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about being like them. I would honestly be depressed and hate myself if I acted like that.

It’s easier to be who you are (nice) than to be what you hate (not nice). That’s your reward.

5

Karma.

6

Hopefully, a life path less littered by boulders to climb over. Rewards aren’t part of the deal, though. (At least, no one’s clued me into the collect-points-get-appliances deal yet.)

7

“You will get your reward in heaven”

That’s what my parents told me.

8

IME, the reward for being a good person is two-fold: First, over time, people will know you are a good person. They will trust you because you are trustworthy, and have a reputation for trustworthiness. They will treat you as a kind person, because they know you are a kind person. They will give you an extra inch when you need one, because they know you’d do the same for them, and they know you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t really need it. There really is no way to overvalue a reputation for personal integrity.

Second, over time, you will know that you are a good person. When you discover through hard testing that you are not for sale, that your word is your bond, and that you do the right thing for no other reason than because it is the right thing, you will have come a long way to gauging your worth as a human being. Regardless of whether you believe in an afterlife, as far as any of us really know, all you will leave behind you is the fruits of what you do. Being able to walk around with your head up is worth a lot.

9

Well put and all, but don’t expect to be “fed” by those warm fuzzy feelings that Doing Good and Being Good are supposed to engender. Instead, depending on what it is, being good can lead to a sense of relief that you didn’t mess up (fill in the blank) or hurt someone else/yourself. While these are nice feelings, and important ones to have-they can be cold comfort.

I take solace in the fact that as we age, we get better at realizing our own limits and our own needs-this is not a small thing. This is huge. It can take awhile to figure out. And then there is other people’s “stuff”, as in issues, that can confuse and obscure any situation. Perhaps it’s best to practice saying no (or no thank you) to people, but think about what you want or need as well.

Also, you might think about why you feel the need to Do Good or Be Good at all times. The disease to please is one nasty illness. No one is sanctioning rudeness or bad behavior here, but rather assertiveness-so that you are Good to yourself as well as others. You matter, Dotster -and your needs, if not recognized by others around you, need to be respected by you.
Sorry-didn’t mean to lecture. Just my two cents. :slight_smile:

10

People say the nicest things about you at your funeral.

11

First off, you’re not going to “go over to the dark side.” You are who you are, right now, so you might as well get used to it.

That’s not to say you can’t learn a few tricks, though. First of all, you’re not a bad person if you say no. You have to be firm, however, and that means standing your ground. Don’t explain. Don’t justify beyond your initial response (such as “I’m uncomfortable doing this”).

You’ll have to learn deflection phrases such as, “you may be right about that, but I still don’t want to do this.” “I told you, I [repeat response]”, and then say, “There’s nothing more that I can say, good-bye.”

The key is to keep your cool, don’t blow your top, don’t curse. If you can, speak even softer; they’ll have to shut up to hear you say that magic word again.

Then walk away.

Anyway, the key is to be yourself, and by that, doing what you think is the true and proper course of action. That’ll be difficult at times. It may even lead you into dangerous waters, such as refusing to coverup someone else’s illegal act.

At best, you may feel good because you did what you thought was right, but that’ll be small comfort at times.

What will matter is that other people will see how you act, and will respond accordingly. Yes, some of them won’t understand, but people talk, and you may be surprised that they may be talking about you.

What do you want them to say?

12

Doing good things is not something that pays a reward. Not doing bad things avoids some nasty consequences some of the time, but that isn’t the real reason to avoid it. Mohandas Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” It is a simple choice. The thing wrong with “The Dark Side” isn’t its darkness, but the fact that it must eschew the light.

You know the selfish people in the world. Are you really fooled by their public displays of charity? You know the bitter, and the mean people of the world. Does their affection reach you? Can yours reach them? Love is the answer. Build it within your self, and you will always have enough to give. Hoard it, and you will always need more. Power will not give you love, nor can it command love.

Reward is just another whip, to drive those enslaved by the need for love. A need they could fulfill themselves, if only they could give love first, without needing reward.

Tris

13

I can’t say it any better than Jodi. But I will add that, in my experience, assholes may enjoy some short-term gains, but being a good person is the best way to live for the long haul. What goes around, comes around. The older you get, the more you will reap the rewards of doing good - the love, trust and assistance of those around you, as well as the ineffable comfort of inhabiting a skin of which you’re not ashamed. While nothing is certain in life but death and taxes, even if gain no “reward” as such, you will have made the world a little better place.

Keep your chin up!

14

Jodi put it beautifully. Being decent and good has many daily rewards, small things, but each interaction builds, and you’ll have a better life for it. The main thing is, if you’re an honest person,not manipulative or demanding, you end up with many more good friends, and that’s the best grace in life.

One thing I wish I had learned when I was your age,(being naturally sweeter and nicer than now, grizzled by experience) Dorothy, was to take a harder stand when people took advantage of that nature. I just worried about hurting other’s feelings. Well, that’s what sensitive folks do, but, there’s a point that you have to stand up and say: “I don’t like what you’re doing, it’s crappy, so let’s discuss it.” If they throw tantrums, they might not be able to discuss it, but hold your ground and do so. The biggest problem for me when young was that I just couldn’t comprehend someone being a selfish idiot; did not make any sense as a way to be. Still doesn’t really.

But, after years of seeing that, pipe up, and say something. There is no reason someone should take something from you because they are a bully, and that’s what gets rewarded often. Just say; “Yer being a bully, I’m tired of it.”

Keep true to your heart. That’s a gift, really, to have a decent nature. Imagine not having a good heart. How frightening is that?

15

Just to second some things others have already said…

Being a good person does not equal being a doormat, or being passive as opposed to active. And letting others have their way to avoid a fuss is not always the Right Thing To Do. In fact, one of the attributes of a good person is courage, the courage to stand up for what’s right even if people will fuss or bitch or give you hell for it.

The more other good people you have around you, the more rewards there are for being a good person yourself. And one of the rewards of being a good person is that other good people will want to be around you.

When you get older, you’ll have more control over who you have around you. (At least, if you choose to exert that control.)

In all the stories I remember reading/hearing as a kid, the good person got their reward at the end of the story, not in the first act.

If you have any parents, mentors, relatives, friends, etc. who are good people and who value good in others, one of the rewards of being a good person is the knowledge that you are acting in ways that would make them proud rather than disappointing them. (If you are religious, God or Jesus could also serve this function,)

16

If you are looking for some sort of cosmic justice to reward you for good behaviour, you will be almost invariably disappointed. True enough, squeaky wheels get a lot of grease, and while that may not be just, it’s certainly practical. You can be good as good can be, and by random chance, the universe may seem to only punish you for it while “rewarding” those who act badly. Thrasymachus and Plato had a long chat about it in The Republic.

The only reason for being a good person is because that’s part of the picture of who you want to be, regardless of how the rest of the world seems to react to it. Behaving selfishly, cruelly, rudely, pettily – are these how you want to make your way in the world? If so, then embrace them wholeheartedly, because people will see through efforts to hide these behaviours anyway, just like you see through your sister’s behaviour for what it is. If not, you know what the rewards are already.

Just as an aside – behaving like a jerk gets remembered for a long time. So if you behave badly for a while but then wish to “reform,” it’s a difficult task indeed. It’s twice as much work to stop being an asshole than it is to never start.

17

Every one of the above posts contains invaluable wisdom.

Another reason is that when you adhere to the values of kindness and light, it’s not so much what you get for it as what you don’t get. You don’t get drama (for the most part). You don’t get the people that you hang out with stabbing you in the back (because bad people tend to hang out with other bad people, not good people. You don’t get in trouble with the law. You don’t get into situations that quickly spiral out of control, sending you on a rollercoaster of emotions and weird experiences. Which is cool if that’s what you want- some people are thrillseekers or have different coping mechanisms which help them, but if what you want in life is to be stable, happy, employed, financially prosperous, and loved by your friends and family, then you can really only behave in the way that encourages that.

As Jodi said, there really IS no way to overvalue an impeccable reputation as an honest, trustworthy, kind person. Seriously.

18

This may sound like silly advice, but watch a few episodes of My Name Is Earl. Seriously, go do it.

You’ll notice that at the end of most episodes, he doesn’t get a reward. But just the look on his face, knowing he did something good… well, that feeling is the reward. Sure, it’s over the top and a comedy, but there’s alot of wisdom in that half-hour.

19

When I was a kid, I was a bit of a bad seed. Part of it was lashing out at anyone weaker than me because I myself was the target of some pretty merciless bullying. I was also a spectacular wallflower in that I was shy and unsure of myself and had no self-esteem, so when I found “friends” in people who were clearly the “wrong crowd” I fell right in. I became quite an asshole, really. Stealing, lying, mouthing off to people, breaking windows, generally being a prick. My word was a bond made of wet toilet paper, and I was about as reliable as a rusty Yugo. As I grew up I began to realize that this was a pretty poor lifestyle choice. No one trusted me further than they could spit. No one believed me even when I was telling the truth unless there was a mountain of evidence to support my claims. Worse, I was beginning to realize the extent of what my actions were doing to people. Ultimately, I was sick and tired of being stupid, so I started putting myself on the straight and narrow. I’m not by any means a perfect human being and I’m still trying to improve myself – I expect I always will be – but I’ve reached a point now where I’m proud of he way I conduct myself for the most part. I try to be honest whenever possible, I don’t steal, I treat people and property with due respect, and the only time I mouth off is when someone truly deserves it.

Being an asshole (or a bitch) is a path of least resistance – it’s easy to fall into bad habits – but being a good person, that takes effort. It’s easier to float than swim, and some people just can’t be bothered to put in the effort to swim – and that gets them exactly nowhere. It may make their lives momentarily easier, but in the long run, their dire lack of progress is going to hurt them. Meanwhile you’ll be going places. The advice already given here is absolutely worth taking to heart. There’s really no substitute for being someone others can trust and believe in. The simple knowledge that others can place their faith in you for whatever reason they might is in itself a reward. You shouldn’t envy your sister for getting what she wants if she pitches a loud enough fit. Eventually, people are going to get fed up dealing with it and tell her to go find some other schmuck to take advantage of. That’s something you’ll never have to worry about.

20

Personally, I try hard to be a good person for two reasons:

  1. I’m a Christian and I believe in heaven. I realize that some people believe that the only deciding factor in whether or not you go to heaven or hell is if you’re a believer or not, but that’s not my belief. (I believe moral non-believers will go to heaven too, since they’re acting as Christians are asked to, even if they don’t do so to please God). If it was simply a matter of faith, why would ethics be laid out in the bible? I think acting moral is a huge part of demonstrating one’s faith.

  2. The worst emotion we can feel on a day to day basis is guilt/shame. If you treat others well, there’s not a lot to feel guilty about. It’s just easier to be good and have fewer worries, IMHO. Being good means not wasting energy on rationalizing or feeling bad about what you’ve done wrong.