If there’s one thing I have learned from reading r/choosingbeggars on Reddit, it’s that these people often phrase their demands and expectations in the phrasing “You need to give me this for free!” or “You need to find me a table NOW”.
Where does this 'You need to…" style of demand come from? Is this just a cultural thing, or has there ever been some sort of teaching or training that recommends this specific phrase as a way of getting what you want?
I mean, it’s not that the idea of someone saying “You need to X” is utterly alien to me, it’s just that I associate it exclusively with beneficial practical advice i.e. “You need to turn it anticlockwise!”.
One of my sister’s is like that. Always had a habit for asking for favors or help as a demand, replete with “you need to…”. Said with a matter-of-fact confidence that no doubt is supposed to invoke a sense of obedient compliance on the part of the askee.
Of course she’s very driven and seen as a go-getter, and so my guess is that she is using some catalogued tactic of persuasion she picked up somewhere: A book, a powerpoint presentation, or some motivational speaker perhaps. Maybe acting more demanding is a way of taking the sting out of the humiliating feeling of beggaring. I really can’t say for sure.
I don’t know exactly when it started, but when my son was young 25-30 years ago I heard it a lot, and variations thereon. For example, say “Use your quiet voice” instead of “Stop shouting.” Supposedly if you phrased the command in a positive way (Do X) instead of a negative way (Don’t do Y), it was better psychologically for the child. I always thought the kid would figure out pretty quickly what was going on, but whatever…
At least with kids it makes some sense - a kid might honestly not understand what you mean when you say “Don’t be impolite” but understand “Get your elbows off the table.”
The preschool I work in tries to emphasize making good choices, but there is one teacher who really is not getting the psychology of it, ie “Think ahead-- what happens if you choose A, what happens if you choose B? now, what is your choice?”
I overheard the teacher tell a kid “THAT is not your choice-- THIS is your choice.” Also, once, something along the lines of “No, you don’t want to make an A choice; you can make a B choice.” I don’t remember what things A & B were, but A was some toy the kid had been banned from for the day for misusing it.
I remember the kid, and he was on both Concerta and Zoloft. He, to put it mildly, made a lot of poor choices, and lost the right to use certain toys and things for an afternoon pretty frequently, mainly because we didn’t want him to damage the toy or hurt another kid, not so much to punish him. Sometimes he did get told “A is no longer a choice today; choose something else,” which is a circumlocution, but it made some sense.
The things was, this adult teacher couldn’t see the difference between “A is no longer A choice, choose something else,” and “You don’t want to choose A; you can make a B choice.” :smack:
It is possible that teachers are being taught this “choice” locution, and a minority, but a significant one of them are not quite getting it, and are slipping through the cracks. So when these teachers use it with kids who can’t sort the wheat from the chaff, they end up with this strange locution.
Believe me, lots of stuff gets miscommunicated in teacher programs. I daily encounter teachers who do not understand what “negative reinforcement” means. They think it means giving children attention for undesirable behaviors (which teachers call “negative behaviors,”) thereby reinforcing them.
Anyway, the phraseology of the OP sounds like it comes out of the same types of misapprehensions that give us the mistakes I’ve outlined.
I’ve seen recommendations to speak like that in the context of making effective customer service complaints (example). The recommendation is that instead of just articulating what is wrong, also say what you want to achieve. E.g. Instead of “The thing you sold me is broken. What are you going to do about it?” say, “The thing you sold me is broken. You need to give me a refund.” The latter makes it concrete what the person needs to do to make you satisfied (without making judgement on whether that thing is reasonable to expect).
I assume that the type of people who are used to getting unreasonable requests satisfied have learned to express their unreasonable requests effectively.
This is my guess. It probably starting with some slogan in some middle management/personal communications/salesmanship seminar: “Don’t ask a person to do something. Tell them they need to do it.”
Hmmmm. I’m the Queen of Getting What I Want from Customer Service-- to the point that friends, and even acquaintances ask me to go with them when they need to return an item or invoke a warranty. This happens do often, I could probably charge money for the service, and make the rent every month on it.
And I do, in fact, make it clear at the outset what I expect (refund, exchange, repair, store credit). I make sure my demands are reasonable-- for example, if I purchased something with a gift card, I know not to ask for a cash refund. The best I can get is a store card credit. But sometimes if there was really a major screw up, so that the item caused grief, or damaged something else, I might expect more credit than just that for the item that is bad.
I also state my expectations (not “demands”) upfront, but I don’t say “You need to…” I usually say “As I understand your policy,” and possibly throw in “the consumer protections in this jurisdiction” if it looks like I’m going to have trouble. But I don’t usually add that part, albeit, I’m not lying. I know where I stand both legally, and vis-a-vis the store’s policies. Then I say "I expect that you will [do A (and B, and C, if necessary)].
And that is almost always what happens. If it doesn’t, I don’t argue. I ask to speak to the person’s supervisor.
After I am satisfied, I thank everyone profusely, and promise a yelp review. If I was satisfied quickly, they get a very good one. It’s not the store’s fault if an item was defective.
If the first employee I encounter is knowledgeable, professional, and quick, I make a point of telling their supervisor how well they performed their job, making sure I have their name. On a few occasions, I have had to deal with the same customer service person for a return, and when it was someone I talked up to the manager, wow do I get great service the second time.
I think, since I was about 26 or 27, and had gotten pretty savvy about dealing with customer service people, I don’t think I have ever not gotten what I want.
Also, I think it’s pretty clear from my demeanor that 1) I’m not going away until I’m happy, and further 2) I’m not going to get angry or abusive, and give the employee an excuse to have security remove me. Also, 3) I have an answer for everything, and have done my homework, so the conversation is not going to run in circles.
I like to think diplomacy has gotten me what I wanted most of the time, but I know that sometimes they just wanted to make me go away.
I don’t think much of the rules linked to, other than the ones about going in person, and using correct channels. Complaining to a stock boy will get you less than 0.
But wow, the one about going straight to threatening to damage the company’s reputation? that’s below the belt. If you do that right off, then you and the business are now in opposite corners. You DO NOT WANT THAT. You want the customer service staff person in your corner with you, helping you solve your problem. In fact, if they believe that they are the only one with the knowledge and power to do so, and are going to turn your day around, you have suddenly made a peon into a really important person who feels good about their job, which is maybe something that doesn’t happen very often. This person is now invested in solving your problem.
I realize I strayed from the original topic a little, but I think it’s somewhat relevant, in that using Jedi mind control language works only if you actually do have Jedi mind control. People who try to use it in the absence of being a Jedi are assumed to be hubristic jerks, and no one wants to get in their corner.
Even in that context, it feels like a strangely aggressive phrasing - I agree that stating requirements clearly is generally a good thing, but what’s wrong with “The thing you sold me is broken. Please would you refund me.” In such a situation, I already know it’s my rights that entitle me to a refund, not my aggression in pursuing one, so I can well afford to be civil (and I can escalate to a more aggressive stance in the unlikely event that the situation requires it).
I feel like it’s a weird blend of sociopathy (i.e. the mindset “You [exist to serve my] need to…”) and insecurity (escalating without necessity) and presumption that one is in a position of authority to tell the other person what they need.
It’s only words, I know, but it really rubs me the wrong way.
I thought about acknowledging that when I posed the question; it’s definitely 1, because that’s the express purpose of the subreddit, and whilst I am sure 2 is also a measurable factor, I’ve seen enough cases that were pretty believable (including those evidenced with screen shots etc)
Maybe this is just my personal quirk, but if anyone says “you need to…” to me, it instantly trips me into a mode that ensures that that person will never, ever get what they’re demanding from me. Never. Whereas if they’d just say, “hey, this thing doesn’t work,” or “I really need this favor from you,” or something like that, I’d probably bend over backwards to help.
The same is true for that phrase’s evil twin, “I need you to…”
Having done a shitload of customer service, may I just say … this is all absolutely perfect. You have learned the full choreography - including what is or isn’t reasonable - and I commend you on knowing proper channels. (If the berries over in produce are moldy, saying something to the cashier while you’re paying is the equivalent of shaking your fist and yelling at the sky … and then staring at the sky waiting for it to Do Something while the line stacks up behind you.)
My favorite bits of doing customer service are exactly the “power trip” parts, where the peon is suddenly The One Who Can Fix Shit. Believe me, we live for those moments. It is so much fun to be the Santa Claus who magically arrives at a solution, mixed with the Fairy Godmother who waves a magic wand and makes it all appear! Most people are so genuinely happy or relieved - c’mon, who wouldn’t love bestowing that?
Maybe with some humility. That’s what’s missing from so many Type A people. I had a demanding supervisor who just honestly couldn’t fathom people not dropping their own projects to help him get his last-minute-poorly-planned presentation done. Because, since his work was the most important thing ever, we would all be excited to get to work on it, QED.
He did get a lot of work done, and honestly thought he was the most important part of the company and would end up running it by sheer force of will… but suddenly it all fell down. And he was SO shocked to lose his job after the twentieth person ratted him out to the big bosses.
I remember one instance of dealing with someone telling me “You need this one!” It was a poorly exercised attemp to upsell me.
I have high blood pressure. I was told by my doctor to monitor it. I’ve had many automatic BP macines over the years. I had a cheap one conk out, so I made the executive decision to get a name brand one at Walgreens. My thinking was that I could better find replacement parts that way. (HAH!)
The Walgreens gizmo worked fine until the tubing split. I went to the Walgreens website, looked all over, and could not find replacement tubing. I clicked on “chat live with CSR!”
Said CSR let me know she was a registered nurse (whoopie). I told her what I was looking for. She took a few moments to check around, then came back to me and said replacement parts were a no-go. Then I got the whole song and dance about how it is important to monitor your health at home, blahblahblah. A new BP gizmo was recommended.
Then she said, “You NEED Walgreens model XYZ.”
Model XYZ was not only the most expensive BP gizmo, but it talked. The thing had the usual display, but it also featured an audio of the readings.
big sigh
I told her, “Actually, I really don’t NEED that one. I’m hearing-impaired and that feature is useless to me. Thank you for your help, goodbye.”
To me, someone saying “You need…” is a way to upsell something to me.
I’m a bright person. I can figure out what I need much better than anyone else can.
~VOW