Which one of these is not like the other? [Rant about m4m craigslist ads]

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, this has been something that has always disgusted me for years. I’d like to get the dope’s insight on this issue.

On all the male seeking male pages of craigslist, for any city I’ve ever searched, 99% or more of the ads are lewd and ridiculously sexual and over the top. To put it simply, the m4m ads are just gross.

Conversely, the male seeking women ads are almost the exact opposite. They are much more nicely worded, much more nicely phrased, and not nearly as overtly sexual and “nasty”.

As a gay man this has always upset me, because when people accuse gays of being sexually permiscuous and dangerous, the craigslist ads serve as an iconic anecdote of their point.

So, why are men seeking men ads so much more awful than men seeking women? Or for that matter, women seeking women or women seeking men.

If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, I’ve spoilered the first 10 ads in Houston from each category. NSFW WARNING. Feel free to check your own city if you think that Houston is just full of gross gay guys for some reason.

M4M

[spoiler]Searchn for YOUNG skater/ HS / Emo / college GUYS - 21 - (Houston)

LOOKING TO SUCK AND BE SUCKED - m4m - 40 - (GALLERIA) pic

Feed me your str8 meat and balls - m4m - 53 - (Westchase) pic

Latin Mouth, ORAL - m4m - 18 - (GREENSPOINT / SPRING / Airtex / Aldine Westfield) pic

Hosting a good cocksucker - 25 - (Downtown)

Quiero chupartela!!- I wanna suck U - 29 - (Southwest ( you host)

Enema for younger Black guys - 47 - (SW - Reliant) pic

R U A Bottom? - m4m - 41 - (Houston) pic

Masc Str8 dude needs to top something NOW - m4m - 27 - pic

these black lips were made to suck this throat made to coat - 24 - (Houston)
[/spoiler]

M4W

pakistani yunger guy seeking older woman freind - 25 - (sugarland)

seeking - 24 - (woodlands/spring) pic

country music lover - 26 - (houston) pic

True Story, True Man - 23 - (Houston) pic

That awkward moment… - 23 - (Houston) pic

SURE COULD USE A MASSAGE - 30 - (the woodlands) pic

Seeking to have fun, perhaps more… - 25 - (Houston, TX) pic

Attractive Houston businessman looking for fun/cute personal assistant - 32 - (Galleria Mall area) pic

real women deserve happiness look in here - m4w - 33 - (southside of houston)

Looking for the right girl - 20 - (Clear Lake)

W4M

daddy fantasy - 19 -

Texans girl - 25 - (Nw houston) pic

U LOOKN 4 ME! - 31 - (BAY CITY TX) pic

just that real - 33 - (Houston)

Not Looking For Something Long Term At This Point - (HOUSTON)

BBW (African American) Looking for Friends of all races - 23 - (Houston) pic

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? - (HOUSTON)

Long Term - 24 - (Houston) pic

Dont want to be single - 22 - (Loop)

Looking for a companion? - 37 - (Houston) pic

W4W

Where u at? - 28 - (north houston)

bbw n league city looking for longterm - 36 - (any) pic

Gorgeous AA chick!! - 23 - (SW houston)

Needing your touch - 27 - (Houston/Katy)

curious and shy - 40 - (NW Houston) pic

NEW TUH HOUSTON LUKIN FA A FRIEND… - 24 - (NORTH) pic

Hey Ladies - 22 - (Houston )

New in town - 25 - (Houston) pic

I love younger ladies… - 40 - (Katy, Tx) pic

Does my unicorn exist - 26 - (Woodlands/spring)

Which one of these things is not like the other?

2

Just an arm chair theory:

Perhaps most of these guys aren’t ‘out’ (sexually) in the real world? So through the safety of anonymity, they indulge their darkest desires?

This is comming from a straight guy. Maybe I’m way off base here so correct me if I’m wrong.

Me and a friend of mine were talking aboput the pros and cons of being a gay male. One definate advantage we both agreed on was that, even though you’re gay, you’re still a guy. And guys are guys. We typically don’t need that feeling of trust or even likability before we boink some one.

Women typically do. With two guys getting together, there’s no need for waiting, no pretense, just get it on!

Of course, we were painting with broad brushes, so you can take that with a grain of salt.

My point is, men talking to men are just more to the point.

3

So women need to see some sort of charade of effort before they’ll put out? But men don’t? And that’s the difference?

4

I think so, statistically speaking, of course. And the men who want more romance or charade thereof probably aren’t posting on Craigslist :slight_smile:

5

It’s just weird to me because, while there’s nothing wrong with anonymous hookups and whatnot (as long as people are being safe and not spreading diseases), why did the m4m turn into this but none of the other sections on craigslist?

Is there seriously no “market” of women looking for quick and dirty anonymous sex? Or is it that any guy or gal looking to have sex with a woman wouldn’t want a woman who would openly admit that that’s ok?

6

LOL. Go look under casual encounters W4M and report back to me.

7

Ok I just did. Does not compare at all to the grossness of even the regular m4m. I would shudder to think what casual encounters m4m looks like.

Compare “wanting to have a quickie” to "LOOKING TO SUCK AND BE SUCKED " Not even the same ballpark of directness.

Oct 23 - Anyone got plans for tonite? - w4m - (houston)

Oct 23 - Seeking the company of a GENTLMAN - w4m - 20 - (West Street)

Oct 23 - Friends first, nah jk - w4m - (Houston)

Oct 23 - Sexy Long Legs - w4m - (Houston )

Oct 23 - iso… - w4m - (Houston)

Oct 23 - Let`s hang out tonight? - w4m - (Houston)

Oct 23 - I invite you to my room dreams:::: - w4m - (houston)

Oct 23 - Seek Married Male Discreet Fun - w4m - (houston)

Oct 23 - wanting to have a a quickie with a man - w4m - 25 - (Missouri City)

Oct 23 - Pasadena/ Sandridge Apartments/ Crenshaw Park - w4m - 23 - (Pasadena )

8

OK that was tame. I’ve seen them get quite nasty. Usually later at night.

9

Not to mention more of the w4m are likely not even real - they are trying to get you to sign up for a porn website so you can “see their pictures” or whatnot

10

Oh I never knew about that! Then the situation is even sadder than I thought.

11

I’ve seen plenty of nasty M4W ads. Looking at my local craigslist M4W section, I see:

Can you role play naughty daughter(19-24) for fun sexual evening? - m4w - 58

eaten out today - 45 -

Learn these facts about ur first anal experience. - 30

Why not get paid - 40

BOSSY EATEN - 36

I’m leaving out lots of other ads that stop just short of out-and-out soliciting for prostitutes.

12

I’m not gay, and don’t cruise Craigslist, but two things about these two adjacent entries:

  1. Perhaps an interesting side issue/discussion would be the prevalence of drug use in the gay community. (That is what’s behind the “hosting” subtext, right?)

  2. I wonder if these two guys ever got together? They seem like a perfect match!

13

I don’t know how to put this, but…gay men are sexually promiscuous and dangerous.

Yes, absolutely. No, there are no women on the Internet that are looking for casual sex without men paying them for it.

14

Let’s be clear about this right up front: Craigslist personals are an utter, total, complete cesspool and nothing but. For anyone who’s into cess, the cesspool is the place to look.

Note also that the M4M ads outnumber all the others combined by many times. On any typical day (in my town of 200K people) there will be at least 100 M4M ads (or much more), mostly every bit as gross as drewtwo99 says – and his examples only showed the ad titles! For the ultimate puke experience, read the whole ads too.

M4W ads: Typically about 10 a day.

W4M ads: Two to four a day. If there are any females out looking, this isn’t their choice venue. (How many days of posts did you have to collect to get that W4M sample shown in the OP?)

W4W ads: Maybe two a day. Ditto.

Casual: These are all mixed: m4m, m4w, w4m and the occasional w4w. They are all weird.

drewtwo99 is right about the grossness of the language: M4M ads, for the most part, tend to be very explicit, very gross, and display every imaginable convolution of bizarre fetishes (not to mention the photos they post). And they are all in a hurry: Let’s do this now (or tonight). Many explicitly say they just want quickie NSA sex – you arrive, drop your pants, do our business, you pull up your pants and leave. But some of this stuff is somewhat common in M4W and Casual ads too but the language they use is a bit more discreet, and not always even that.

No, drewtwo99, they aren’t all interested in playing safe either. Lots of ads for guys wanting barebacking. And it’s nearly unheard of in M4M ads for anyone to suggest they would like, you know, an actual relationship.

The W4M ads are also often quite male-hostile (including the w4m ads in the Casual section). They often have language like: “If you are just looking for booty, just move on.” “Not looking for sex. If that’s what you want, you needn’t respond.” They often sound like women who have been burned a few times too many and are sour and bitter and want to be sure you know it. Basically, women explicitly saying that they AREN’T available for anything that the typical male Craiglist responder would be looking for. Who’s going to respond to ads like that?

It’s got the reputation for being the worst pool of losers and misfits because that’s exactly what it is. Nobody else needs or wants to use Craigslist. (I read these ads from time to time mainly just to remind myself how lucky I am to be missing out on all this.)

Pardon me a moment while I puke.

ETA: And, something I’ve noticed in personal ads for nearly 40 years, since long before on-line ads: The ONE WORD most commonly used, noticeably more than any other word, is an adjective used by females to describe their desired males: tall.

15

Heavens above!

The gay guys posting in casual encounters aren’t posting because they have an agenda to make all gay men look lascivious. They’re posting there because they want quick sex from a stranger(s).

This should be informative for you: many gay men like sex with strangers and they use vulgar terminology to get their point across. Don’t believe it? What can I tell you? I hate to shatter your reality but they are not posting there to make you feel sick.
Don’t like it? Don’t read it.

And to say that Craigslist “casual encounters” is a cesspool? Yes, but that’s like accusing Walmart of being cheap - that’s what it’s there for. Again, if cesspools make you puke, stay out of the pool.

Craigslist itself is not an entire cesspool, just some parts of it. The “strictly platonic” section is not, in my experience, a hive of filth.

16

Oh, and as to men’s and women’s ads being different?

m4m - “we both know what we want. Why mince words? Your cock in my ass, tonight?”
m4w - “I think this is what you want to hear (I could be wrong)! Any takers?”
w4w - “???”
w4m - "Hi I’m (1) collecting subscribers to my dating site (2) harvesting photos (3) a male high-school student pretending to be female (4) a hooker (5) a shut-in that hasn’t seen sunlight in 12 years.

17

  1. In case you haven’t noticed, there are gay men who are not as “versatile” as others, and some of them are looking for a specific type of sex. It doesn’t make sense to connect with someone you’re not compatible with, so it makes sense to start out being honest and specific about what you’re looking for.

  2. A lot of these guys are married and closeted, and are not in touch with any part of the “gay community.” They don’t meet many “out” guys, so going on an actual date is out of the question. All they want is something specific that they can’t get at home."

  3. If a guy is looking for an actual relationship, there are plenty of places to meet a nice guy you can settle down with. He is not the guy who advertises or answers Craigslist ads. These are guys who are just looking to get off, and nothing more.

  4. In the context of the way men are brought up to think about sex, and the way society does not encourage us to have long-term relationships, and in the context of the way religion has warped our same-sex sensibilities . . . I think a lot of these men are sexually fucked up. I think a lot of them have been put in a position of being starved for any intimate or sexual contact, and this is the best they can do.

  5. And if you, as a gay man, find these ads “disgusting” or “gross,” well, you’re lucky that you grew up without these problems . . . or possibly you have evolved and grown out of these things . . . or perhaps you yourself have unresolved issues that need to be addressed.

18

As a frequent Craigslist user, I think panache45 has it right, especially with points 1, 2, and 4. I’ll add one more point, based on several years of experience: For a large number of posters, the ad is the playtime. It seems that many guys who place CL ads have no intention of ever actually hooking up with anyone; they get off on the fantasy of m/m sex, and if they get a response they enjoy talking about what they want to do, but they are unwilling or unable to actually go through with it offline. Many of the ads are explicit because they’re coming from the context of roleplaying more than partner-seeking.

Chiming in on point 5, I’m not seeing what’s “disgusting” or “gross” about any of your samples, other than the enema one. They are explicit about what the poster is looking for, and they are certainly forward, but I don’t see how they’re gross unless you find one-night stand inherently disgusting. They’re just putting a label on the tin so you know what’s inside. I will agree that they’re more suited for Casual Encounters than Men Seeking Men, but that’s probably due to panache45’s point 4 and men’s distaste for reading directions. :wink:

19

Seems obvious to me. There are big differences in sexuality between men and women. Like Shakes said, men are more direct and less emotional about it, in general. That’s all that is going on in those ads.

20

I’ll also WAG that online hookups don’t have nearly the stigma in the gay community as they do in the straight community. I think that is changing over time, but I’m pretty sure that the gays are leading the curve. When online ads first hit, it was pretty much all m4m. Maybe some m4w, but seriously, very few women would look online for that stuff. w4m? Ha! that would have been a huge slut label. Think back to 1997. What would you think of about a straight guy looking for sex online? Would a straight guy feel comfortable sharing with his friends that he was looking for sex online? No! It would reek of desperation and lack of ‘game’. Would a woman feel at all comfortable meeting a guy she met online? I’m guessing no.
The fact is, there is a double standard applied to how men and how women find partners. The asymmetry makes straight online hookups more difficult. Gays don’t have the asymmetry and have embraced online hookups from the very start. Little to no stigma either.
Times are changing, but not that fast.

In other words, in addition to craigslist being a sampling biased towards ‘cesspool’ types, perhaps gays are just ahead of the curve?