Who asked you ?

The BBQ Pit
1

Well ?
Who the FUCK asked you ?

A lot of people when composing stuff for the pit spend
quite a bit of time contemplating the most effective way to
communicate their feelings of anger.

Ahhh Yess!
The sweet sweet smell of fresh vitriol , smoothered in Ire
and served up with dashings of fury-infused Indignant Rage.
(not to mention the complimentary Resignation , Frustration
and Head in Hands Gob Smacked Incomprehension)
all served up by a pimply faced youth…with an attitude problem.

You can see why I jess loooooooooove to eat at Forum 5.

Why today I see we have people who have felt so slighted by
various occurances at such divierse places as BurgerKing
and a real restaurant ,by entities such as MTV and AOL ,
by fellow posters and relatives, (even computers and foodstuffs have not been spared) that they had no choice
but to put fingers to keyboards and let us know just how they were feeling.

They’ve sweated and toiled and laboured to produce what
might be a cautionary tale for us all to take a message
from . Perhaps the’ve created a missive detailing all of the things they wished they’d said at the time.
Sometimes we are treated to good old fashioned incoherent babble . Ofttimes we’ll get weepy and yet subtly vindictive works of art.

Whatever form the Pit Post takes it usually comes from the
heart (or perhaps the Gall Bladder) and these posters have
something to get off their chests.

Then you get this happy bullshit:

Well you know what I wanna know ?
WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU ???

Did you feel my pain when the waiter spilled the coffee ?
Were you there when I found my lovers used condoms in my car ?
Were you backing up the guy who wouldnt quit staring on the subway ?
When was the last time you had a heron build its nest in your car ?
How can you understand what it feels like to have the word
“DUDE!!” indelibly tatooed on your forhead ?
Have you ever been thtough the trauma of being trapped in a cage with a masturbating Orang-Utan who wont let go of your hand?

Some people comiserate.
Some make valid observations.
Some try to help.
Some laugh.

But YOU dole out the scores.
Like some self appointed dictator you DARE to put a value on how I express my feelings.
You decide if I should come away feeling vindicated or if I need to hang my head in shame and look for a real problem.

I’m ineloquent and lack the verbal skills to explain how angry I am ?..you will quicksmart send me packing.

How has this happened?
Have you lived through every possible scenario and situation and feel qualified to pass comment?

Are you privvy to the Secret Clique’s pit post evaluation
criteria and scoring card ?
Are you the bastard offspring of a third rate dictator and an emasculated Phys. Ed. instructor?

Well you know what Mr/Ms Rant Score Giver ?

You can…

Bite Me.
I look forward to my 0.3 rating
I’ll wear it with pride.

[sub](btw…someone remind me to tell that Orang-Utan story sometime…seriously) [/sub]

2

9.2

3

ooh! tell the story, tell the story!

4

the first rule of Secret Clique is you must not talk about secret clique!!

the second rule of Secret Clique is ** you must** etc.etc.

So, when is the 12 step stress relief programme get delivered? :wink:

5

Aw Shucks
I only wish it were my story to tell.
I used to know a girl.
Let’s call her Gillian (her real name :slight_smile: ).

Gillian was petite with blonde frizzy hair , a killer smile and was just generally all kinds of interesting. She had
the whole “I luuuuv animals” thing going on which can generally get pretty annoying but she was serious about it
(serious enough to become a marine biology student).

Gillian had “contacts” at Dublin Zoo and was friendly with all the keepers and worked a few summers just as a keepers assistant. Cue dozens of “I am not my Keeper’s Keeper” jokes.

Anyhow , she was in her element there and as she could sort free passes for me I wound up spending a lot of time there.

One of Dublin Zoo’s biggest attractions is Sibu http://www.dublinzoo.ie/come_primates_orang_utan.htm

Sibu is a great guy and all but apparently hes been having problems in the sack. Sibu discovered mastrabation and as he was alone for quite a long time took to pleasuring himself at pretty much any given opportunity.

He became so profficent that when a female finally arrived for a bredding program he figured he was an old hand at this procreating thing.

Not so.

Sibu would mount the females in the correct way but while on them he would pleasure himself by hand. This caused the keepers no end of grief (and perhaps some light relief too…boom boom).

Anyhow , Gill and Sibu became friends , depite the fact that Sibu is one seriously hugh piece of primate Gill would often be able to get real close.

One day a little too close for comfort.

Gill and a keeper were putting on one of those “throw the banana skin at the audience” shows when Sibu for the first time noticed just how cute Gill really was. All blone and frizzy haired and small like that …and she sure smelled purty to the big guy. When Gill took his hand to lead him down closer to the kids …well it was all too much for him.

Sibu proceeded to do what Sibu did best and had himself some fun while keeping a firm grip on the struggling and aghast young keepers assistant. Naturally enough the other keepers were laughing far to hard to be even inclined to do anything to help.

I read earlier in the week that Sibu is off on a breeding programm to China later in the week, which reminded me of the story. I hear he’s still pissed that even after 5 years he’s still pissed that Gill hasnt called.

6

[cartman]
Screw you Guys !

Im going home!
[/cartman]
C’moooooooooooon!
123 views and noone has anything to say about my mastrabating Orang-Utan story ???

Jesus God this is a tough room.
What exactly does it take to impress you people if a mastrabating Orang-Utan with a cute blonde hostage doesnt do it ?

Sheesh!

7

Needs a puppy.

8

Great story, Damhna. Reminds me of the time my mom and I drove across 3 states with two Great Danes fucking in the back of our station wagon. Windows fogged up and everything.

As for the Olympic style scoring of pit rants:

Many posters get off to a great start, but then fail to stick the landing. That constitutes an automatic .5 point deduction and may cause the dour Bulgarian judge to disqualify you altogether.

Many posters work up to a great finish, but the weak “This is my first pit rant” opener will sink them every time. The East German judge has been known to throw large blunt objects into the arena. “This is my first pit rant” tells the judges that you are not gold medal caliber.

Remember, people, your score is comprised of a technical merit score (30%), an artistic score (30%), and a score for fury and vitriol (30%).

Posters with high technical merit scores are clear and specific about the subject of their rant. They provide links to relevant threads. They use correct spelling and grammar* and write in a consistent style. They don’t have to return to a thread and clarify “I know my rant started off as a potty humor rant, but I was REALLY ranting about the time someone changed their baby’s diaper and described the poop a little too vividly.” If you seek high technical merit scores, the first few posts after the OP should not be “WTF?”

Artistic merit is of course quite subjective. High scorers often invent new and colorful cuss words and insults, but one cannot rely only on new uses of “ironing board ass!” and “wicker rocker porch wench!” to carry the day. Kimstu’s I Am The Very Model of a Modern Libertarian thread is a legendary example of grand parody, with artistic merit scores off the charts.
The phrase “Since this is the pit, %#@#$#!” constitues a double fault technical disqualification. If you use it, you risk a public and quite thorough wedgie, after which you will be escorted off the field and used as a sexual plaything by two sexually frustrated baboons, JimJim and Precious[sup]1[/sup] until you are covered with baboon spunk.

Vitriol is of course the reason we are all here. If you are not seething with outrage, stinging from fresh violations, or frothing at the mouth at the repeated and deliberate ignorance of others, you shouldn’t be dining in Forum V. To achieve high vitriol marks, your posts should read like a barely contained primal scream coming over a pirated radio signal at four in the morning. In select cases, the rules of grammar and spelling can be sacrificed in the name of vitriol. An excellent example of a vitriol gold medalist (that scores off the charts in both the artistic and technical arena) is SkinnyGuy’s famous rant where he insults someone in numerous languages, in song, and with footnotes (he is also noted for the sentence “If you walk past a tree, owls wake up and start hunting.”) You can sometimes score high vitriol marks if you hit readers up front with a title. “No reacharound for you, Asmodean!” “Plagiarists, I will see your guts strewn before me!”

Now we come to the question of actually scoring the rants. If you feel inclined to hold up twee little scorecards after someone with a decent command of Strunk and White has bared their fangs, bared their souls, and if we are lucky, their boobies …don’t we owe them more than a weak number that does nothing but increase our own post count? Courtesy and honor dictates that we either rip their OP to shreds, or show our sympathy and commiseration through new heights of creative ranting.
[sub]1 Copyright 2000, andros[/sub]

9

What is the deal with “everyone”[sup]1[/sup] being so concerned about their post counts anyway?

Is there some prize for reaching certain levels?

Or for having the highest number of posts in a day?

Or just plain having the most?

IMO, this does NOT indicate that you are smarter than the next person.

Or that you know something about everything and therefore have an intelligent contribution to make to each and every thread that exists on the boards.

On the contrary, I think it indicates one or more of the following:

A. You have absolutely no life outside of these boards

B. You have an extremely big mouth

C. You are so egotistical that you think that everyone needs to be enlightened by your “presence”.

Truth be told there are a few people who I’m certain I could classify into each of those possibilities, too.

[sup]1[/sup] Yes I realize that not “everyone” feels this way. I am simply trying to stress the high level of importance that is put on this strange “competition”, if you will.

10

SmeelMeel, to answer your question: Only the feebs are particularly concerned with post counts.

11

[QUOTE]
They use correct spelling and grammar*

[QUOTE]

Where’s the footnote for this? GAAAAAAHHHH!!!

–scout

(who obviously gets frustrated at unanswered asterisks)

:smiley:

12

and who gets frustrated when she forgets a “/” in the coding.

13

-1.5 points for hijacking your own OP.

14

magdalene wrote:

Damn. May I have your permission to use this as my sig line? :smiley:

15

Sure thing, Civil Defense.

16

Damn! Great Danes - The same Great Danes that can’t even stand up without getting confused about what leg goes where ? Beautiful image !

And banging away for three States – the car must have been awash in dog saliva…or something.

Classy rant Damhna, if I can say that.