So approach people :P…Just say hi to random people on the street, in the grocery store, whatever. Don’t worry about saying anything else, just say “hello”, and move on. It’ll get easier the more you do it.
Sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes not. I have a strong social network that keeps me from going off the rails, but that’s the result of three years’ hard work, and I suspect that if I let things lapse, it would dissolve away.
I’m 35 years old. Single, and never been married. The longest romantic relationship I’ve ever had was a little over a year long, and it ended badly. So far, all my romantic relationships have ended badly. I couldn’t stay friends with any of them, because each had treated me so badly. Of course, I was the person who chose to be with them, so the blame is mutual.
I am a fantastic friend, teacher, lover, coworker, and relative. Yet I often feel invisible in the presence of men. At least, the men whom I respect. Much more heartbreaking have been the couple of occasions where a good man that I liked and respected made it clear he’d like to be with me, and I had to turn him down because I felt no spark of romance or attraction to him. I’d never play games with a man, but sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for not saying yes when I really couldn’t give him what he wanted.
I’m coming to understand that I will probably be single my entire life, that I will never have the chance to be pregnant and bear a child. I still have to make it a good life for myself. It’s far too precious to waste. Adoption is certainly a possibility, but all the responsibilities of an adult life are much more difficult for me without a partner.
It’ll be okay. It’ll work out. That’s what I tell myself. But sometimes, I think about what it would be like to share memories and thoughts and happiness with a lover who was my partner and for whom I got to be a partner, and my heart aches.
I have some incredibly bad news for you: pain is your fate. But you’re not alone at least, it’s everyone’s fate. Either you have the pain of loneliness or the pain of relationship, and one way or another, all relationships that count bring pain, because everything ends and even if it isn’t ugly, it’s painful, and if it lasts it can only last until somebody dies, and so that’s painful.
But hey, we’re all in the same boat, so the best thing to do is try to get the most joy and pleasure and reward in exchange for all the pain.
I would add myself to the list of the lonely…but I don’t know if it’s entirely true. I’m not lonely overall, but I am lonely for the intimate company of a man specifically. It’s been over a year since the last time I had a sweet, satisfying, warm, yummy encounter with someone I really liked who liked me back. I miss it.
I actually don’t have time for it right now, but I want it soon, so I’m putting myself out there in case something shows up.
- Male. Single. Sometimes lonely.
I realised after consistently either a) failing to interest women, b) not seeing when women were interested in me, or c) undermining myself when I had the opportunity and did realise it, that the only common element was me: therefore I had to improve myself.
:: heavy sigh ::
I could have written those words.
You can devote your life to improving yourself and making yourself ready, but… it takes two to tango.
I try to fill my life with work, exercise, reading, learning, etc, but I miss physical contact.
Should I post or not? Eh, I want a girlfriend and don’t have one, so I suppose that counts.
I’m not even really trying to get one, though. Mainly because I read things that say “If you want to get girls, you should this and this and this.” But I don’t want to do that.
Of course, my normal “Don’t talk to people” approach is kind of guaranteed not to work.
Eh. I’m not desperate yet.
18 male college student.
25 year old female college student.
I’ve been lots lonelier than I am now so I’m not listening to Hank Williams and sobbing into my pillow just yet. But I lost almost all of my (straight) friends when I came out a couple years ago, and I haven’t had much success with meeting new people. Mostly because I’m so pressed for time. I work full time, I go to school full time and I have to schedule my socializing around that. It seems like I should be hanging out in gay bars trying to meet new people, but I’m a recovering alcoholic, so I really don’t feel comfortable doing that yet - especially going out to bars alone.
I keep telling myself that it’s not a big deal, I’m young, I have plenty of time to wait to finish school, let my life settle down a little more and then get out there again. But I’m already pretty self-sufficient and introverted and I’m afraid that’s only going to get more pronounced as I get older.
Female, 31 here. I’m lonely too. I am on my way out of a 3-year relationship. I love him and miss him. The demise of this relationship is devastating and disappointing.
I know it could be a lot worse, but it hurts a lot. I am just really thankful I have a small but close group of friends; a close and loving family; a decent job; and my sweet cat Ulysses!
But I am also thankful for all of you. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. I truly do care about everyone here. I honestly would be a lot more lonely if it weren’t for all the great people on the SDMB. You guys keep me company and cheer me up when I am feeling the worst. I wish we all lived in the same town so we could all get together and hang out and enjoy each other’s company…
For five years she was what I loved the most. Codependency and a downward spiral of destructive behavior.
The relationship started out as a lie from everyone. It also started out as something 10 months away from pedophilia when I was 20. I couldn’t help it, she pushed and pushed, and eventually I just couldn’t say no to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known.
A break up, a get together, a break up, a get together.
I love you, I love you too.
A year later we’re fucking like crazy in my backseat on the top floor of a parking garage after a beautiful New Years Eve together.
A year after that she’s getting an abortion (not mine) and begging me to come back through the tears. I swore I wouldn’t go back, but of course I brought the same ring she gave back to me to the Starbucks because I knew I would.
A year later she finds me hiding in my apartment because I’m trying to get away from her. The fight gets out of hand. She’s throwing everything at me. Cups, shoes, my computer monitor. She hits me, I tell her to hit me again and she does. In the mess she kills one of my best friends. I burden I can’t shake still to today.
The fierce anger blurs with the passion. That’s the codependency thing. The very same day we fuck like crazy three times as hard as we ever did.
After she tried to kill me on the highway (no I won’t share) I move and don’t give her my forwarding address. Too scared to. But eventually the loneliness envelopes after I run into her again. A city with the population of Boston’s and I run into her in the streets?!
She comes over, she smells good, she’s cooking for me, some good steaks and we drink wine. I tell her I won’t fuck her that night because it’s too soon. I fucked her twice.
She’s going away for school, studying in the Netherlands for the Fall semester, she doesn’t want this to end, she wants me to come see her. I tell her sure. We fight, and bitch, and cry, because there is something sad in our eyes because we both know what is coming. Not that she is leaving, but that we’re both fighting for the impossible.
She leaves, and the separation anxiety begins immediately. With constant phone calls and being constantly berated for not being available. I am being sucked dry no matter which continent we’re in.
I hate Europe. All we did was fight while I held open my wallet. We fucked every night, but only because we were supposed to. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, but there was a simple sadness to the act.
She lived with me when she got back. Her Mom had kicked her out of her house and couldn’t afford to live on campus. It only got worse. Whenever we went to family events my Mom would start crying when I left because she knew I was leaving with her. And the scars and scratches on my face worried my Mom, she could see I was dead inside.
I had tried to break up with her before, but all I got was a naked girl in the shower cutting herself and banging her head against the wall, wailing “I DON’T WANT TO BE ALIVE.” I would have to apologize to her and tell her that there was never anyone else I want to spend my life with, and hold her cold body while she wept herself into exhaustion.
She broke the last straw in one fight and I lost it. With deliberate thought, after she did something to me over the line, I raised my hand and hit her for the very first time. I hit her in the face. I am not a good person for doing so, and I will not defend it.
Eventually I found proof of her cheating on me and just left a note in the apartment, “please leave” (note said much more). I didn’t go home for 3 weeks, I lived in my car. I couldn’t face the confrontation and dodged my work routines because she had tracked me down at work before. When I finally came back home she was gone.
God she was the most beautiful girl, and I hate myself because I miss her.
{{{Glomps bbs2k}}}}} Dont hate yourself! It’s a natural emotion, and in any case you dont have any control over it. You know what, let’s go out for drinks this weekend. 
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Would that be a human best friend? A dog? A cat? A goldfish? Can you please clarify this? BEcause if it was a human being, how did that happen and was there no legal follow up?
And do you miss her because she was beautiful?
- Female. Jumping on the bandwagon. Apologies in advance for excessive verbosity, or any typos. I’m also kicking myself, because I think this is the longest post in the thread, and I feel sheepish about it. I just don’t know what to cut.
Even if no one reads this, because it’s TL;DR material, thanks for giving me the opportunity to air my heart out a little. It was getting dusty.
I wrote this when the thread first opened, but I didn’t want to kill the thread after only one reply. I’ll feel less guilty if it dies, now.
I’m always lonely, so I try to surround myself with distractions. I get caught up in my stressful job because it lets me forget about everything else. Like my nonexistent social life.
I go out of my way to be congenial to the extreme, and I’ve made myself a doormat in the past. I don’t really know how to socialize with other people, because of lack of similar interests, and lack of social skills. I’ve been solitary since I was born, but moving 15 times before I was in high school and never having a friend for more than a few months for most of my life definitely contributed. I wasn’t a military brat, my parents just had a lot of problems. Most of which were passed along to me.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to please other people, until recently. When some of those ‘other people’ are people who you’re bound to by blood, yet treat you like less than dirt, it takes a toll. My health started to fail in college, after I worked myself to the bone just to get there. I was bored in high school, and worked my way out after only one year. I went to college when I was 15.
First year was beautiful. Made the dean’s list. Second year went well. Third year? Not so well. Got sick. Dropped out. Left the relationship and all the friends I’d just finally made on my own for the first time in my life.
I’d been depressed, but a new kind of depression set in. Self-harm and a suicide attempt were my coping mechanisms.
I’ve come a long way since then, which was five years ago. I’ve only had a suicidal thought perhaps once, and that was on withdrawal from Prednisone which was used to treat my spinal arthritis. Despite the arthritis, and the degenerative disc disease, the endometriosis (still bad after two surgeries), the sleep apnea, the damaged knees, the lymphedema, and the migraines combined with susceptibility to infections I’ve managed to keep and progress in my job, and work like hell to support myself without relying on others.
All my relationships, save one, have been with people I wanted to ‘fix’. They all ended miserably, save that one, which has become, blessedly, my closest friendship. One of my biggest issues in getting over my traumatic family past has been learning to believe that I am not only worth what I do for others. My self-worth is not dictated by how useful I am to someone else. I know this, but it was a long time coming.
I’m not interested in barhopping or clubbing. I’m not very feminine, and I’m not very attractive. I’m also bisexual, leaning heavily toward the female preference (thought if I met the right guy, I’m sure I’d be up for it). I’ve got baggage, both physical and emotional. I can’t have kids. I gained nearly 100lbs in a year, thanks to side effects of treatments for various medical issues and lack of physical activity. Despite working my ass off, I haven’t been able to lose it, and the arthritis and the apnea make it even more difficult.
Who wants to be with someone that’s got that many problems, especially when there’s nothing to catch your eye right off the bat? How does one even attempt a relationship, knowing that they have all that baggage? Someone might start to like you, and then what? You drop your bomb? ‘I can’t have kids, I’m frequently ill. Some days, I can’t walk when I wake up.’ I don’t think I’d even finish explaining before I saw the back of their head.
I don’t know how to market myself to any potential partners, because I’ve never done it before.
I don’t want perfection. I don’t even want to be ‘swept off my feet’. I’m not that demanding or unrealistic. What I want is simple. Someone’s face across the table at dinnertime. Someone to sleep next to. Someone to take a vacation with once a year. Someone to chat with about what’s in the newspaper this week. Someone to watch a movie with.
No, I don’t care if they forget a birthday or an anniversary, sometimes. I don’t care if they forget to call, every so often. I don’t care if they burn dinner once in a while, squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, or leave spots on the bathroom mirror.
I don’t even care if they forget to add the fabric softener.
My expectations aren’t that high, but I guess it’s a competitive field.
My parents are divorced, but my mother dates around. My father has a long-term girlfriend. My younger brother is engaged. My younger sister is engaged.
If I ever vent about my loneliness or lack of a relationship, I’m always met with the same response from friends. ‘You’re a great person. You’re kind, you’re extremely giving. You help people all the time. You work hard. You’re smart. You’re funny. Anyone would be lucky to have you.’ Apparently, though, they mean ‘Anyone except me, because I’m not interested, sorry!’
I get by, and I work hard, but at the end of the day when I come home to an empty room, it’s just really fucking lonely.
Sometimes, stuffed animals, books, and even my cat simply don’t cut it. Sometimes, music doesn’t drown out the whirring of my own brain. Sometimes, I just want someone else to acknowledge me as a normal human being and not a dysfunctional monster.
I’m afraid of going out in public, because I’m afraid of being judged or rejected. Even posting this is making me nervous. But it’s just a messageboard. It can’t bite. And I’ve already been squidded.
I’ve met some wonderful people online, who seem interested in either developing a strong friendship or something more, but they always end up being located nowhere remotely near to where I am, so the prospect of even a long-distance relationship with occasional meetings is out of the question.
I’m glad for my support system online, and all the people that I’ve never met, yet still treat me better than my own kin. Sometimes, though, words on a screen aren’t enough.
Sometimes, all I want is a hug.
Well, I’m glad we got that out in the open! 
Now, what do we DO about this? I want to fix it!
Testy
Leah M, hug I know it’s not much, but I read your post and I feel for you. It wasn’t tl;dr.
I’m 27 and female. I am very lonely. In fact I just had a conversation for hours about this with my boyfriend. I moved across the country 3 years ago and met a boyfriend instantly. I don’t know how that happened, but it did.
When I have a boyfriend, at first it’s like, I already have somebody, why bother making friends? I’m not bored! I’m spending every day with him and learning everything! But eventually, I start to realise I need them, and I’ve been holed up for so long in this city where I know no one, I haven’t met anyone and I don’t have any friends
I am originally from a small town. I always HAD friends. I never had to make them. I do not know how to meet new people. I’m very shy, but you’d never know it at work, because being weird and loud is like my defense mechanism. If one person tries to get to know me, I clam up and turn them off. I can’t talk to one person. I run out of things to say.
I miss girls. I want to hang out with girls. Guys approach me, but I have a boyfriend, and they don’t normally want to continue talking to me after they realise that, or if they do, I always worry that they are hoping that they won’t have to settle for just being my friend. (Not that I’m so all that, but I hope you know what I mean.)
I have friends from back home, but I really only talk to two of them now. One of them just visited me and it was a blast, but it is over now. Back to my regular life of nothing.
I have lots of interests, but they are all shallow - I can’t speak on any one of them with any authority. Jack of all trades, master of none, I feel I have nothing to hold anyone’s interest for any length of time. I feel like, who the heck would want to hang out with ME?
My relationship is also slowly failing, and at this time I’m not sure why I’m hanging on. He doesn’t really get me at all. I know I’ve made it sound like I’m so shallow there’s nothing to get, but really there is a lot to get. It hurts my image of myself to think that I’m hanging on because I have no one else. I realise that this is entirely possible, though. It needs to improve or it needs to end, and if it ends, I will be totally alone in this city.
What with work and being gone from the house 11 hours a day, well, I don’t have the time or energy for other interests. I post online, but you know, I don’t even have any friends online, because I get too awkward if someone tries to talk to me and I end up not responding.
So yeah, I’m not just lonely, I’m completely pathetic
My buddy Samson was not a human. In the grand circle of life he wasn’t all that important.
Yes she was beautiful. But I miss her because I love(d) her. It is just a shame that we had mutually destructive characteristics to our personalities.
It would be nice if we move on here. The ghost of my buddy Samson still lingers. But mostly I like the SDMB for the fun we have here. So I’ll join the pity party, and take Auto’s advice to go grab a drink.
rinni, I empathize.
All my friends live so far away, it’s a blast when we can get together, but the other 360+ days a year I don’t get to see anyone kind of suck. And time for anything else, especially pursuing new relationships? HA.
Maybe a round of drinks for everyone is in order here
I am.
31 SWM who has an 8yr old son from a previous psyc…I mean woman.
I can’t get women for the life of me. I’m overweight, but I’m a good looking guy and I consider myself to have a little game and I’m funny, too. The thing is, I think women can pick up on the fact that I’m still bitter from being hurt so much in the past. I don’t know, maybe that’s not it. Who the fuck knows. Women drive me up a wall. 
No offense to the wonderful ladies here, though…
For the shy here I’m going to provide this link: Goodbye to Shy
Do note though:
(from the review)
This is too true, much of the book is way too cutesy. But I like the theory behind it. Give it a try.
I’ll address this bit in a moment. But for now, I’ll answer the OP.
And come on, you all know I was going to ring in.
Am I lonely? Brace yourselves, people. No, I absolutely am not. I have friends, I have hobbies, I have family, I have my life.
I have excellent self-esteem.
Being lonely implies a level of suffering, a bit of loss. I don’t have that. Stoid got a lot of stick for saying much the same thing, but there is some truth in her attitude. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I’m a complete person on my own. I’m fully happy with my life just the way it is. Friends only enhance that. Friends with awesome curves would enhance it even further. I don’t need them, but they would be great fun. And I’ve stopped whining about them, I’m out there gaming them.
You should be out there gaming it with me. bbs2k as well, and Robot Arm too.
Think about it. We could all be sitting at home by ourselves and pining for the love that will never happen, or we could all be out there getting our faces slapped and having an excellent time doing so. Let’s build some awesome memories.
In fact, I’m already out there doing it. Come with me or don’t, but I’m going for it.
Shoot for the stars, and hit the mud. Shoot for the mud and make it. I’m shooting for the stars.
I fully expect to have the following conversation with you in twenty years:
“Dude, you look great! What have you been up to? Oh, this is Mindy, and this is Cindy. I love twins. We’re going to need use of your bungalo in about ten minutes. Patience, babes, I’m not going anywhere. Probably. But dude, what’s been up? Hey, remember that time back in '08 when we were rolling, and that cute Japanese bitch called you a fucking loser? And you told her to grow up, little girl? And then you were totally making out with her? I wonder what ever happened to her. Huh? Oh. Sorry, man. Do you think she could fetch us a couple of beers? Hey, I ran into Robot Arm last week. I convinced him to ditch the three babes hanging off of him so we could roll together like old times. And we did. He got the blonde, I got the brunette. You know, same old same old. Whatever ever happened to bbs2k? No way! Vegas? Showgirls? Dude, ditch the wife and pack your bags. We’re going to Vegas.”
I want to have that conversation with you. But we have to start now.
Just relax and be yourself and it’ll just happen!
I hope you’re kidding, because when people say this, it makes me want to go after them with a cheese grater or other painful item.