Who needs Jerry Springer.....

So this young woman (23) call her Jane splits up with her boyfriend of 6 years to date another guy, call him Bob. He’s a little young she admits but does not bring him around to meet the family for a while. Hmmmm. In a few months it comes out that he is in his late 16’s. Wow, everyone says - We’re a little concerned about this. He is considered a minor and it could be a problem for you. Of course those kinds of concerns are seen as judgement and we don’t meet Bob for a while longer. By the time we find out a little more about Bob he is 17. Bob had a very rough childhood. In and out of foster homes. Estranged father. Mother is a recovering alcoholic. Bob never finished high school. Bob gives the impression of being semi-literate. Bob had some minor problems with the law. Jane is obviously not worried about it and says she’s in love and Bob loves her too. So much so that Jane gets pregnant despite the fact that she is on the pill and has been for many years and never had so much as a scare with her former boyfriend.

Well, what to do. How are you going to take care of a baby while working in a pizza shop? What about your plans to go to college…again. How is Bob going to support a family on a farm hand’s sallary. Oh, don’t worry, says Jane. We’re in love and we want this baby.

Comes the 9th month and Bob suddenly becomes reluctant. Starts sleeping with other girls. Tell Jane he’s not ready to be a father. Tells Jane he doesn’t love her. Tell Jane he does not want to be in the delivery room or hospital at time of birth. Tells Jane he feels trapped. Everybody has seen this comming but Jane. Everybody keeps very quiet and refrains from telling Jane, I told you so (except for one person who is just chomping at the bit - never mind who!). Jane has the baby alone with her mother and father for support. Not long after the baby is born, Bob and Jane have a real falling out and break up. Jane has to move back home because she needs halp with the baby and cannot afford a place of her own. Bob said he can’t stand to be left alone with his own child.

A few short months pass. Bob lays alot of girls and gets tired of catting around. Bob crawls back to Jane and appologizes. The appology was so good that Jane and Bob decide to get back together.

Almost a year went by in relative quiet. Bob, an enterprising young man asked me at family gatherings about what I thought of hemp and the potential of making the farming of this wonderous vegetation a profitable venture. I said I had no experience in such things but was fairly certain that it was illegal to cultivate it in our part of the country. He got quite irritated with this idea and began blaming the gov’t for being to controlling and went on about how there was nothing wrong with a little weed now and then. I kept my lips tightly sealed but just barely. As time passed he raised the issue a couple of more times with me but as I had nothing to contribute to his fascination with this subject he eventually let it drop. Not long into their first year of marriage, Jane started spending more and more time at home with her parents. Everyone knew something was up but Jane never shared information though it was easy to tell something was bothering her. It eventually came out that Bob was smoking wacky tobaky on a fairly regular basis and was in fact negotiating a deal to buy some seeds to hydroponically grow his own, for resale. Where was the money going to come from? Why, Jane of course… if only the damn diapers and baby food did not cost so much.
Things seem to calm down a bit again and Jane’s visits home seem to have contracted to a few hours vs a few days. One day, Jane announces the big news. She is pregnant again. Not only that she and Bob are going to get married. Congratulations are fairly guarded from her side of the family because they have not seen any positive things evolving from her relationship with Bob to date. Nevertheless, a quite ceremony in the park planned by bride and groom. Jane buys the best simple white dress she can afford and Bob puts on the cleanest pair of jeans he happens to find in the hamper and a long sleeved white shirt. A pack of smokes in the shirt poket served as a splash of colour instead of a boutonier. Family was not welcomed to the wedding. In fact they were explicitly told to stay away. Jane’s mom came anyway and took a few photos.

The wedding is followed by about six months of wedded bliss despite the fact that Bob is on his 6th job since they met and none of the jobs are an improvement over the last. In addition to this, it comes out that Bob, when he drives Jane’s car, which is registered to Jane’s dad, is driving without a driver’s license. He does not have a license because he cannot pass the driver’s test. Bob get’s stopped by the cops and is fined for driving without a license. He also gets a 5 year penalty before he can apply for a driver’s license again. It’s a problem for Bob and Jane because they live in a small town in the country. A car is quite necessary. To add insult to injury, Bob’s employer gets wind of his license status and asks Bob to produce his driver’s license. Bob drives the business cars as part of his job and has stated on his application that he is a licensed driver. Bob cannot produce it and quits his 6th job because, as he claims, he does not want to work for someone who does not trust him.

Things begin to look grim for the happy couple. Bob is smoking weed. Jane is growing bigger every month. Their little girl is showing signs of being affraid of her dad. Jane starts to spend more and more time at her parent’s house again. Jane jr. lets it slip that daddy knocked down her mommy. She does not want to go back home. Bob refuses to come to see his daughter and Jane while they are at their an Jane’s parent’s place. He never like to visit there much anyway. Usually he’d sit out on the porch instead of coming in. Even for suppers he’d take his plate outside. On top of this, Bob has entered into a very serious internet relationship with a single mother from Ohio. They love each other, claims Bob, and have long intimate talks on chat. When Jane finds out about it and confronts Bob. Bob laughs at her and shows her a picture of a well endowed woman which he clearly got from an adult site. Bob claims that’s his Ohio love. Jane doesn’t know what to believe.

Anyway, things get bad again and Bob throws Jane and Jane jr. out of the house. Says he wants nothing to do with the child about to be born either. Jane moves back home. All sorts of shitty things happen during the separation including threats on Jane’s life being uttered by Bob. At the family’s insistence Jane calls the police and files a report. Police arrest Bob, question him and release him telling him he will have to appear in court because it is a federal offense to utter threats. Jane has remourse about calling the police because Bob calls her up and reams her out for finking on him and getting him in all this trouble. Bob threatens to disappear where police and her lawyer will never find him. The family hopes he means it.

Jane finally files for divorce. A month goes by and Bob insists on seeing his oldest. Jane agrees to regular visits and for a while things work out but Jane jr is very reluctant to see her dad during each visit. Soon Jane jr. explains to her mommy that it’s all her fault that she and daddy don’t live together any more. Daddy says her mommy is a bitch. Jane asks Bob not to poison their child’s mind but continues with the semi regular visitation. In due time the new baby is born. Another girl. Bob musters enough interest to see the baby in the first couple of weeks of her life. But not much afterwards. Jane, now unable to work, asks Bob with some financial help for his kids. Bob refuses and says she’ll never see a dime. The burden remains on Jane’s parents who have become her 24/7 babysitters and providers. Jane returns to work part time 4 weeks after giving birth. Janes’s mom, despite her severe arthritis, becomes the nanny. Jane unable or unwilling to discipline the oldest child, lets her run wild. At four, the child is hitting her grandmother and is completely out of control. She resents the birth of her younger sister and the attention she receives. She developes a nasty habbit of getting within three inches of the baby’s face and begins to yell at her. Grandparents and mother seem unable/unwilling to stop or control her.

A few days ago Bob calls up Jane and demands that she drive him to a neighbouring town. Jane, for some unexplained reason agrees. Upon arrival to pick him up, Bob shoves Jane from the driver’s seat to the passenger seat and begins to yell obsenities at her as he drives her back to her paren’t place. Upon arrival there he ejects both Jane and the kids from the car. He then proceeds to remove all baby gear, umbrellas and sundry articles from the car by disbursing them generously around the driveway, lawn, neighbour’s lawn and road. Meanwhile still berrating Jane as she sits on the ground in a curled, almost catatonic state. Unmoving. Unreacting. The kids have front row seats to this display. Bob says he is going to take this car and sell it because he needs the money. Janes mother emerges ouside because she hears the yelling and is told she needs to shut up because she is a fucking bitch. Bob then gets in the car and takes off. Jane’s mom call Bob on his cell phone and demands the return of Jane’s car. He pretty much repeats his original opinion about her character. Jane’s mom then calls Bob’s mom and explains the situation. Bob’s mom seem to have better luck in reasoning with Bob and the car is returned and dumped on the edge of the driveway two hours later. No obvious damage to the vehicle which is on it’s last legs anyway.

Meanwhile, Jane does not file charges agains Bob for reasons still undivulged.
I’d like to hear reader opinions about Jane and Bob. Also speculations about what (if anything) is actually going on in Jane’s head to allow this to happen.

um, Stockholm Syndrome?

Wow.

See Jane. See Jane run. Run, Jane, run.

Forgot to mention…

Jane has just made the decision to move out of her parents home. She wants to re-assert her independence. Jane is moving back to the town where Bob lives. Bob will be able to walk across town and torment Jane whenever he feels the urge.

Has Jane got her head up her ass? Why can’t Jane put the kids first and really think about what is best for them? Jane has options. She just doesn’t seem capable of exercising the right ones.

If you want my opinion, Jane has her head up her ass. Get a big bat, corner her, and beat some sense into her. Get her committed and custody of those kids. She has clearly left her common sense somewhere on the curb. Next time you see Bob, beat sense into him. Sounds like you may be beating for awhile with him.

Argh. Stories like this and my wifes day at work make me wish for euthanasia.

Jane must be the model for Kirkendall on NYPD Blue. She clearly needs some counseling. If Bob is abusing Jane, Jr. and withholding child support, can’t you get child protective services involved?

Maybe she feels as if she’s f-ed up her life to the point that she doesn’t have options besides him? She’s made her mistakes, now she’s going to wallow in them? Many victims of abuse have been so broken down that they don’t believe that they can leave - the scumbag keeps coming back and they keep taking the crap because they don’t think they deserve any better?

Unfortunately, until Jane snaps out of it, there’s nothing anyone can tell her that will take any effect. Maybe sitting down with a big chalkboard and making two columns. One very small column for “good things Bob has done for me” and one large column for “crappy things Bob has done to me.”
Maybe when she sees it in black and white it will make it harder for her to make excuses for him?

I’m sorry, QuickSilver, if Jane & her kids are close to you and you have to watch this all the time.

If she doens’t leave, her little girls are pretty much doomed to repeating her story - getting involved with users and abusers and calling LoveLine late at night.

My first opinion/reaction. Jane is a complete moron who needs to have her children taken away from her and good beating applied liberally about her head and shoulders.

My second opinion. Jane is desperate to be loved and has such a low opinion of herself that she accepts someone as totally worthless as Bob. She still needs to have her children taken away from her and go through some serious therapy.

My sister-in-law is a social worker and she says the hardest thing she had to learn about domestic/abuse counseling is that almost all of the women were co-dependents/enablers and you could talk 'till you were blue in the face and it does absolutely no good.

Personally, her family should sit her down, tell her the black and white and give her options. “You either give up Bob, for good, once and for all, or you’re out on your fanny - no ifs, ands, or buts.” There is no sense in making this continue into a family tragedy where Bob ends up killing relatives cause they get “too” involved.

Ech! Bob needs a visit with Mr. Rocko and Mr. Lefty.

Take what energy and influence you have, and apply it completely to getting those children away from Bob. He displays all the classic signs of abuser, and possibly worse.

Jane should also be away from Bob, but she is an adult and must be allowed to make her own choices. Bob will hurt all three giventhe chance. Bob will best serve society by leaving it.

Good luck QuickSilver, I hope there is a way to make things better for Jane and her kids, but Jane is the one that has to do the difficult things to make that happen. Just see if you can gain her confidence, and try to counsel the poor woman. Most of all, make her understand that things can turn around, and do for many people, much quicker than she thinks.

Obviously you care about these folks, so I feel for you too.

The first thing Jane needs to do is get a restraining order against this loser. If she refuses to do so, then someone needs to call Children’s Protective Services and report the situation, that the father is abusive and the mother is doing nothing to protect herself or the children. The behavior of the oldest child is a clear indication of some serious dysfunction in the child’s life. Has anyone considered the real reason why the child may be so afraid of her father? Perhaps there is more going on than simple abuse to the mother. I don’t know this woman at all, but from information has been supplied so far, she sounds like an “enabler” and will never truly do anything to help herself or her children until someone forces her to do so.

Quicksilver, I take it this woman is a relative of yours. Somebody in the family needs to step forward and report this situation to the proper authorities. Too many families and friends stand idly by and watch their loved ones get abused and mistreated and never do anything about it. If this man is striking her in front of the children, how much longer do you think it will be before he ends up killing her or the kids?

Please take this advice from a woman who went through eight years of abuse before finally waking up one day and deciding that “enough was enough”. It took a couple of years of therapy before I was finally able to shake off my “enabler” habits. I had no money for therapy either, but I found some wonderful programs through the welfare system.

I don’t have much to add, but I would appreciate it if y’all stopped talking about my sister so openly.

What? You mean Jane isn’t my sister? She must have a twin.

Don’t you just love family! Oy.

Jane is my sister in law. My wife’s youngest sister. She’s 28 now and Boob… er… I mean Bob is 21 or so.

The situation is extra difficult for my wife because we live very far away (12hr drive) from the epicenter of all this grief. In a way, I count our blessings. I’m very greatful that our kids are not close enough to all the happenings to become involved or even be aware of what’s going on.

We get the news in dribs and drabs from either Jane or my mom-in-law. Of course we are left to piece together the different interpretations of events and I did not get into very many specifics because it’s hard to know who’s is more accurate. The highlights, as I have posted them, are the points where there is no disagreement between the stories.

If someone had told me 14 years ago that a member of my wife’s family would essencially turn into white trash I’d have strangled the bastard for his lies. I would not have believed it even 5 years ago - though I did realize at that time that Jane was not going to be the success that her 5 other syblings turned out to be. Odd how that happens. She is not dumb per se, she just can’t seem to get out of her own way.

It saddens me to no end that her kids are paying the price for her criminaly stupid behaviour. In many ways I’m once again glad that I don’t have to experience all that trauma first hand. We don’t visit much more than a couple of times a year because of the distance and frankly our reluctance to become involved when there is really so little we can do. I think it would be insulting and disrespectfull to my wife’s parents if we marched in there one day like the cavalry and started making decisions that they have not been able to make because they are too close to the situation themselves. Christ, they live with it every day. I want to. Believe me, I do. I don’t suffer fools gladly and neither does my wife. But often, where there is all that enabling going on, it’s hard to fight the tide in just a few short days. We’d wreak havoc and then go back home, leaving behind a wake of events that they would have to deal with. It would not be fair to them.

So my wife is beside herself. I’m sure having Bob annonimously beaten and left for dead in the gutter has entered her mind a time or two. She’s incensed by her sister’s alarming stupidity but at the same time her heart pours out to her because she is her little sister. It’s a no win situation really.

Jane absolutely must do this on her own. There is no two ways about it. I would read her the riot act in a second. I’ve already done that on two occassions but it only seems like I’m getting through to her. She clams up. Nods in agreement. Then simply continues on with her distructive behaviour. I reall don’t think anyone can save her from herself. The more you try to talk and reason with her, the more she clams up and retreats inside her own life. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Double Oy!

Let me jump on the pop psychology band-wagon, here.

Jane probably suffers from either depression or bipolar syndrome; either way, she has shit-all for self-esteem (possibly related to how successful her sisters are; in any case, whatever self-esteem she had when she first met Bob has been completely eroded in the intervening years).

As long as I’m making completely asinine conjectures on two series of anecdotes, let me throw out a little more. Jane’s first boyfriend (the one she broke up with to meet Bob) fell into one of two categories- either he wasn’t great shakes himself and Bob was just a slight step down, or he was a nice enough guy, but it was pretty apparent to all that Jane wasn’t really all that interested in him (getting bored).

Still with the SWAGs- her pregnancies were never accidental; rather, she worried that she was losing Bob and hoped that having a child would bring him closer.

In sum, Jane is a defeated, esteemless woman who will always keep running back to Bob, and who will always allow Bob to run her life, because she thinks that that’s what she deserves (either in the sense of needing to be punished, or in the sense of not deserving any better). Until she sees a therapist or a counselor or gets some sort of help, she’s just going to keep going back to Bob, pulling Bob back in her life, or not stopping Bob from jumping back into her life. And even were you to get together with the family and pool some money for a hitman, it wouldn’t help- Jane would just find some new piece of scum to give her the abuse she desires. And meanwhile, she’s dragging her children through all of this (her inability to punish her eldest daughter is a bad sign; given what’s been going on with Bob, it seems to me like Jane wants her daughter to turn out bad (not conciously), in order to help prove to the world what a fuck-up Jane really is. Twisted, I know, but that’s the kind of way depressives and manics think) and it’s going to be a disaster soon enough.

All I can suggest? Get intervention. Call Children Services. Call a house for battered women. Get advice from medical professionals. But find someone to step in, if only to get those kids out from a situation that’s only going to get worse. Jane may eventually come to the conclusion on her own that life doesn’t have to be the shitter she keeps setting herself up for; but that decision may be years away.