Dear Idiotic Stranger to Whom I Have Only the Most Tangental of Tangental Connections -
Perhaps I lost my cool a little when I responded to your extraordinarily stupid idea for our upcoming project for the professional honor organization I’ve been a member of since you were in elementary school. I’ll cop to that. I’ve been known to be short tempered lately, moreso than usual, probably because I’m 9,042 weeks pregnant with twin blue whales and I’m just a smidge uncomfortable. It’s a condition which tends to take a toll on one’s patience when dealing with inconsiderate, unprofessional associates.
But losing my cool only meant that I was blunt in my honesty, not nasty or insulting. And I just re-read what I sent to you (since you’re not familiar with the concept of trimming an e-mail reply) and I’m noting how mild it actually was, considering the depth of idiocy in your feculent, self-serving idea. When I responded, I said nothing about you, and in fact only shared four short sentences about the negative impact that your idea would have on me. I very purposefully followed the “rules of open dialogue about disagreement” by making all of my statements “I” statements. I even refrained from mentioning how your idea would be detrimental to ten additional people, how you violated all rules of professional courtesy by implementing it on your own, and by failing to seek the input of a single one of the affected. In short, I did not make this disagreement personal at all, though I could have.
Nevertheless, you’ve taken it upon yourself to lecture me, and though I don’t know you from Adam and you don’t know me, you’ve told me that you “want me to think” about all the ways in which I was wrong in my response about what I was facing as a result of your hasty, unilaterally imposed concept. You even took the time to carefully and painstakingly enumerate my wrongs at length. Excuse me?
You’re a stranger who is affiliated with the Los Angeles chapter of the group who I never heard of before the 15th of March. I don’t know you, I don’t have any reason to care about you as a person, so I have no reason to go out of my way to insult you “aggrieviously.”
All I cared about then and now was how your actions were going to force me to make a choice between the lesser of two evil options and do work which I am not really physically up to right now. But you decided to take it personally, probably because you’re a 24 year old nitwit with nothing in your life but your work and your own hype – oh yes, I’ve asked around about you, Mr. Tells Everyone Within Five Minutes of Meeting that You Graduated Summa From Yale As If Anyone In a Field of PhDs Is Going to Care About Your Bachelors Degree Five Minutes Later When They Learn That You Haven’t Even Thought About a Masters Program.
And now you think that because you’ve declared yourself to be offended, that gives you free license to lecture and condescend to me, someone who started in this business when you were literally still in diapers? You think that because you’ve whined, that gives your griping some authority over me? You think that your suggestions hold any weight?
You, sir, are a bloviating blowhard, and you may feel free to go to hell. Be assured that I intend to badmouth you to everyone within our workgroup, (you know, the group you were supposed to work with, not overrun) and I may be even more vindictive if I wake up tomorrow feeling uncharitable. It would be my pleasure to get you drummed right out of this organization.
And don’t think that I can’t. I’m sleeping with the national president. I’ve been doing that since you were in diapers, too.
I will gladly enjoy the last laugh at your expense, you jackass.