Who will play you on Straight Dope: The Motion Picture

I have a feeling no matter who I name here, no one will ever picture me as anything but a little cartoon bear keeping an eye out for Ranger Smith while a bigger bear steals pic-a-nic baskets.

Howard Stern.

Yer pal,

Two months, three weeks, six days, 13 hours, 48 minutes and 55 seconds.
3543 cigarettes not smoked, saving $442.88.
Life saved: 1 week, 5 days, 7 hours, 15 minutes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss can play me. Or Angelina Jolie, but maybe that’s just my little dream.

I’d play myself.

Drew Barrymore can play me, but first she has to swallow rosie odonnell.

Ray Parks. He’d wear the Darth Maul costume minus the makeup, and a mask. Of course he’d have to kill Darth Sidious; Arkon is no villain’s henchman.

Dennis Leary.

No, we don’t look alike, but he could grow a beard and wear let his hair grow for a few years. That would help.

Anthony Hopkins, of course. Wanna make something of it? <looks around with a peculiarly chilling blank expression>

If he’s not available, I’ll do it myself. I do my own stunts.

Courtney Love. Definitely.

I can look a lot like her if I don’t comb my hair and smear my makeup, that and the fact I can be a total bitch at times.

Ahhh… This would easily be the blockbuster movie event of the summer, wouldn’t it? And loud mouthed mime would be played by Mr. Kevin Kline.

<<furiously shaking salt onto his popcorn>>

Jeff Goldblum, so long as he adds about twenty pounds of muscle and a good deal of hair. And the glasses. And gets extensions. And a preppy wardrobe . . .

I would be played by Mel Gibson, but only after he changed his accent to southern american.

Well, it would have been Sir John Gielgud, but he’s dead and I’ve never been anywhere near cool enough anyway.

I guess Jean Reno could manage a good Tymp.

I’ve been trying to think of a person who could play me. I’m sort of an R rated ethnic Disney heroine. Every time one of those movies coms out my desk gets flooded with Burger King action figures … Pochahontas, Princess Jasmine, Mulan, the little girl at the end of the Jungle Book…

If anyone would like to suggest a live person I’ll let you know who’s closest.

I take issue with that, Dianne.

“At times”?


Yer pal,

Two months, three weeks, six days, 17 hours, 59 minutes and 5 seconds.
3549 cigarettes not smoked, saving $443.75.
Life saved: 1 week, 5 days, 7 hours, 45 minutes.

Shirley Hemphill. Or maybe Divine.

Are either of them still alive?

I have always been told I look much like Waldo from “where’s waldo” but if you put David Spade on a rack, stretch him out to 6 foot three, color his hair and add glasses he would work in a pinch.

Well, I’m told that I look like a cross between Tom Hanks and Weird Al Yankovitch. It all depends on how recently I’ve trimmed my moustache.

Ann-Margret. Of course, she’s be considerably taller than me, and her red hair isn’t real like mine, but she is just so cool!

Chris Farley. 'nuff said.