I’ve never hit my wife, nor any girlfriend before her, even the ones that did their best to goad me into it. I guess it’s normal behavior for some people, but the idea is totally alien to me.
Your husband is wrong from beginnng to end.
I keep coming back to this, and the fact that he didn’t seem frightened might not be a good thing either. I don’t think you want to son to get used to this kind of behavior. The hitting, of course, but it sounds like the verbal fight just before the punch wasn’t a great example of how to communicate or manage a conflict either.
Two adults having this kind of fight shouldn’t be on the same level as toddlers having a spat at kindergarten. Toddlers fighting is not that big of a deal, because they are still in the process of learning how to control themselves and relate to other human beings. And they are usually not operating motor vehicles.
I believe that you were in the wrong.
You should have smashed his testicles with the phone.
Yeah. I’m a 35 year-old woman and if my parents were fighting like that, I would have been speechless with fear. And it ain’t like those two never argue, either. But they’ve never hit each other (at least in my presence). My dad has a hot temper but him punching my mom in the leg or anywhere else on her body is not a part of his temper tantrum repetoir.
Something is terribly wrong when the only calm one in the car was the kid barely out of diapers. Maastricht, your relationship is not healthy for you, your husband, or your kid. Every time you fight like this in front him, you lose esteem in his eyes. And can you blame him?
I hate pissing matches, be the grownup and don’t join his verbal slapfest by fighting over control of the phone or freaking out about his driving. Breathe, remain impartial and calm. Let him spin out of control on his own.
At some point I’d let him know he crossed a boundary, tell him point blank, you did this, i don’t like it…see how he replies…
We all have triggers, sometimes humor helps us get over the bumps.
In our defence, our son didn’t see the quick punch on my leg, the car seat was in the way. He has never seen us use physical violence and we will both keep it that way.
I told my husband about my thread and this post. He explained he saw my demand to stop tinkering NOW as a demand and a sign of mistrust in his ability to multitask. If I had said, “I’m afraid”, he said he would have heeded that. The last word on that one has not been said yet.
Still, my previous threads on him refusing to remove spiders and me not destroying his dreams anymore, all have had permanent good effects. So I’m hopeful.
Kids see and hear more than you think. Please stop physically abusing each other. Being angry at your partner because you feel they are making unreasonable demands is normal. Hitting them as a consequence is not. I continue to find your attitude about this to be completely bizarre. You acknowledge that physical violence is something that should not be witnessed by your child, and yet you shrug it off as no big deal and characterize others’ concerns about it as recreational outrage. I don’t get you.
He hit her once in anger. Presumably, he did it on instinct and hasn’t done it again. I just don’t see the big deal here. If it happened again or he didn’t realize that he was a complete ass for doing it, it’s a pattern and she needs to get out of there. But it really doesn’t seem like one.
I slapped my husband once. I was in the middle of doing something and 100% focussed and he playfully grabbed my boob. It startled me and I slapped him, good and hard, across the face. I apologized the second it happened. Should he leave me?
She never said it only happened once and I haven’t gotten that impression* at all*.
I’ve never hit my wife, and she has never hit me.
Hitting is where I draw the line. Verbal abuse to me is like constant berating and abuse, not once in five years someone yelled at someone for being a fucking idiot. If you don’t get called a fucking idiot in five years you’re either a saint or dead.
In other words your husband refuses to acknowledge that what he did was stupid and dangerous and instead paints himself the victim of a bruised ego.
I’ve never hit my wife in anger for the 38 years we’ve known each other. My wife has never hit me either.
Him using the phone while driving: wrong.
You yanking the phone away: wrong. That action might have further distracted him making his driving worse.
Him hitting you: wrong.
Has he ever acted this way before? Do you have a expectation that it could happen again? Do you think that you will need to modify your behavior to avoid him hitting you?
If any of the above is Yes, you need to get into some marriage counseling ASAP at the minimum.
And the discussion is still around ‘our son will never see us use physical violence’ rather than ‘we aren’t going to be physically violent again for any reason.’
If you have the ability to hide physical abuse from your kid, then you should have the ability not to fight in front of him. Obviously, you’re not successful in doing the latter so don’t be so confident that you’re managing the former.
But really, him seeing the violence is not the problem. Kids can sense dysfunctional relationships even if kind words are being said through gritted teeth. You’re a smart lady, so stop trying to fool yourself that your situation isn’t really harming him.
What level of physical and verbal violence is acceptable in a relationship without destroying the underlying strength, respect and love in the relationship is a complex question. Dopers are a somewhat self selected bunch, many have been bullied and on this topic it’s expected that emotionally, intellectually and most especially culturally and demographically the majority of them would be in the ANY physical violence is a deal breaker end of the spectrum.
The problem is that this black and white universe is not where everyone lives their lives, and in the scrum of everyday relationships a lot of people instigate and tolerate (some even encourage) various levels of mutual physical violence or near violence. There are couples who have hit or swatted each other in anger and go on to love one another dearly, raise well adjusted kids, and live good lives without requiring therapy or police intervention to get past it.
The key point is to recognize is that when violence becomes a regular part of your interaction your relationship is dysfunctional and the intervention of the authorities might be necessary. Calling the police the first time you get hit is a judgment call and might well be necessary, but the flip side of involving the police and associated authorities also means that once they are involved the chances of repairing your relationship and interaction style is slim, and you are (if married) probably on the path to divorce or breaking up. If you are party on the receiving end of the physical violence you have to decide if this is the outcome you desire.
I think what people are saying is that it is extremely bad for anyone to be an environment where such serious anger issues seem rather present, not whether or not the child actually witnessed his fist impacting your leg.
To use an analogy, just because a child might not see a parent physically lifting a whiskey bottle to his/her lips every night does not undo the damage done to a kid who is living with an alcoholic parent.
Me neither. Domestic violence is not normal. If one of my male buddies grabbed my phone out of my hand he might get a punch. Someone I’m intimate with, who I’m supposed to protect - never even considered it a possibility.
There was clearly a lot of frustration over something going on in the OP and both parties might have been able to take some of that blame, up until the punch. So over the line that the orginal issue had no meaning. You didn’t do something that 'caused" him to hit you. He hit because he can’t control his own self.
I haven’t said so explicity, but yes, the quick punch in the car was the first and only time, in six years together.
Not to paint myself as a saintly victim here, there was the one time I locked him out on the balcony six years ago. Okay, it was a sunny balmy spring Sunday morning, he already had set out a chair, coffee and the paper, and I let him back in after ten minutes, but he still is angry about that.
So, there really is not that much more drama then in perfectparanoia’s case.
Still, in Palo Verde’s thread, she also listed just two incidents, the car and one shove/kick, and now they’re heading for divorce. Physical violence really seems to be seen as a deal breaker, whether it truly indicates an emerging pattern of abuse or is “just” (?) a bad habit in an otherwise non-abusive relationship. And I started this thread to debate how people feel about that.
The fact that you think this is an acceptable way to lead your life is really very sad.
And if you think that just because the kid hasn’t seen Daddy hit Mommy, the environment you’re raising him in is OK… you are not operating on a reality-based level.