Yes. There’s a world of difference between arguing and verbal abuse. My husband and I are also tired, stressed out working parents, and we fight often. We used to fight a LOT more, but we work on it, and it’s gradually getting better. We will never not fight at all, because that’s completely unrealistic.
But - we don’t verbally abuse each other. We don’t get sarcastic, we don’t call names, we don’t roll our eyes and dismiss what the other person is saying, and we don’t do “silent treatment”. And when I say “we don’t”, I mean that we have, in the past, and we hated the way it felt. So we make an effort not to do it anymore, and if we slip, we apologize right then and there, even if we continue fighting after that.
Say we’re trying to figure out how to solve a problem, and my husband suggests something that, to me, is obviously unworkable. Before he’s even done talking, I roll my eyes, shake my head, and say, “Yeah, that’s a great idea, genius. You should definitely forge boldly ahead with that.” I will then immediately stop and say, “I’m sorry, that was unfair. I’m annoyed because that’s basically what you suggested before and I already told you why it would be a problem, so I feel like either you aren’t listening, or you’re ignoring my concerns.”
Now, I may “say” all of at the top of my lungs, with teeth gritted, fists clenched, staring at the ceiling. And I might say “pissed off” instead of “annoyed”. But the point is that even though I’m still angry, I’m not being disrespectful. I could have just let the fight end there instead of apologizing, and stormed off thinking, “He’s either a jerk or an idiot or both, but whatever. I’ll let him have his way on this, and when it comes back to bite him in the ass, I can say, ‘I told you so,’ and then maybe next time, he’ll learn to listen to me.” And he would have also felt angry, ignored, and disrespected. But by continuing the conversation, I open the door for him to say, “I’m sorry, I was so caught up in my idea that I didn’t really get what you were saying. Tell me again why it’s a problem?” Or perhaps, “Yes, you told me what the problems were, and I was explaining why this approach would fix them, if you had let me finish.” Oops.
But as you know, this all hinges on treating each other with respect, and that’s really difficult to do if you don’t actually respect each other. And it’s even harder to do if you’re the only one willing to be respectful. It takes an incredible amount of strength and maturity to not try to “give as good as you get”. But if you can do it - if you can rise above your feelings and be respectful of him, while insisting that you be respected as well - you may well find that he starts to return the favor, and even if he doesn’t, you’ll be teaching your kid a better way to deal with disrespect and abuse. And as I said, I’m not talking about a Jesus-esque turning of the other cheek. I’m talking about acting as though you’re both rational, intelligent people. Expressing your feelings when you get hurt, rather than lashing out in response. Insisting on being treated respectfully by describing how you want to be treated - “If you respect me, then I expect you to listen to me and not just dismiss what I have to say” - and demonstrate that treatment yourself. And most importantly, if you make a good faith effort to be respectful to him, and you still do not receive the same in return, then your best option is to focus on *self-*respect, and remove yourself from the situation.
Aside from all that, though: hitting? Seriously, grownups don’t hit. Or kick, or grab, or shove. Not even a little, not even once.
Actually your initial response is interesting too, because all too often the consideration “am I over- or underplaying what happened in any way?” is a crucial one (with no clear answer!) in how the spouses see themselves, the incident, and how an outsider judges the incident and the relationship.