WHy can't I like the nice, stable ones, dammit?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Sorry Eva but you’re too nice to let Dude #2 blow you off all day without a phone call to explain the re-schedule and offer you an out…

That’s the beginning of a mess there. He’s already acting dumb and pushing you around… He should have (note: not could have) called you when the original time came and explained he had something up and asked if you would reschedule and set a time so that you could go on with whatever you are up to… He’s not very considerate…

Some might recognize that this was a little posturing on his part… but the reality is that it’s not appropriate. He blew you off, let you sit around and wait on him, and then snapped his fingers and you jumped and asked how high… yeah, Dude #2 wants to “get to know you first” because he needs a couple more opportunities to see if you sit around and wait on him, and whether he can control you – bottom line: he’s a controller.

time for Dude #3…

Just tell NJB that things aren’t working out. Be sincere… no need to flower puff it, he’s an adult. No need for humor, just the facts…it ain’t working. That’s the nice thing to do.

122

OK, insomnia time once again, dammit…

Blalron, don’t beat yourself up! Nice Girls do indeed enjoy an evening cuddling with a good movie, at least I do! I just haven’t had anyone to do that with in a looooong time. Wanting to do homey, sedate, cuddly things isn’t at all what makes a person boring; it’s not being able to interact comfortably with others.

TalkingHead, I know I’m generally willing to cut people too much slack; it’s probably one of my great downfalls in life.

However, considering that we had never actually made concrete plans which included setting any sort of a time to get together (other options were also tossed around for last night, including theater, which definitely would have been an evening thing), don’t you think it’s a little harsh to decide that he’s being manipulative on so little information? There was, in fact, no “re-schedule,” because there was no set schedule to begin with. My best guy friend, who’s generally my worst critic in the “cutting people too much slack” category, even thought Dude #2 was still in OK territory.

However, I will try my darndest to keep my eyes open for that sort of thing this time around…and would welcome other opinions, especially from the guys, on how I should interpret Dude #2’s action (or lack thereof).

There is, however, always the Guy #3-35 option (or OK, at least 3-15; not all the Reader ad responses were worth following up. What’s with the guys who basically say nothing about themselves or why they responded to my ad except “Hi, my name is Joe, call me” and apparently expect me to do so? Or the 50-year-old guys who actually think they’re in the running, although I specfically indicated a maximum age of 40, which I already thought was rather liberal? Or, my favorite, “I will now spend 15 minutes on your voicemail reading to you the contents of my bookshelf, plus my friends say I live too much inside my own head, and I have mood swings”?)

123

Eva, i think TalkingHead just missed the one-line reference you made to not having a specific time set up. I had to read that paragraph twice to double-check it.

Given that, i don’t think you should read much into it. It sounds excellent, and I personally take it a really good sign that despite your general level of horniness and attraction to this dude, you are still comfortable and in control of your self.

This tells me a couple of things.

  1. You respect him, and one might intuit that he respects you too. This is key.

  2. Well, you’re comfortable around eachother. also key.

  3. He sounds fairly marture. And isn’t scheming to get it the luna-pants, just yet. yet another Key.

I think it sounds great… Even with sending you on the “bike-ride-of-shame” so he could do laundry ;). In fact, don’t even take that as bad: he does his own laundry. and it is important to him. The significance of which CANNOT be understated, i think, from what i know of men (granted, not a lot).

Me? no new developments today, awesome teacher girl (ATG)and I exchanged emails, but thats it… both of us had other plans. We’re supposed to do the movie in the park thing in Grant park tuesday night… I just spent a half hour re-reading our email exchanges in order. :slight_smile: yeah yeah. I showed the picture from her personals to my closest friends and bragged on how cool and cute she is…

definitely in full on cautiously (but VERY) optimistic mode. I have to say, i realized in chatting about it with my friend today that one of the BIG things about her that appeals to me is the lack of 20-something identity drama in her life. She’s hip and fun and outgoing, but lacks all of the “what am I doing with my life? who am i? am I happy in chicago? what does it all mean?” drama that seems sort of endemic to the mid-twenties dating scene.

Not to say that i have it all figured out or anything, but i have never been big on indulging in that kind of self doubt, and both of my most recent ex’s were basically paralyzed with it. My mom got a little freaked when I told her about the ages, but really, literally ALL of my friends in Chicago are in the 30-35 age range, anyhow, and I’ve always identified with folks SLIGHTLY older than me anyhow, so I think it could be an excellent thing.

ATG has a career and seems to really enjoy it, has a social life and seems really content with it, and knows what she likes and enjoys, while still seeming open-minded.

Back to sleep some more… Eva, i think you and i have the same exact sleep issues. argh…

Chris (who’s hot for teacher)

124

I did miss that – somehow I thought you guys had a set time.

Awwww shucks, and I was all ready to slam the hammer down for ya Eva!

hehhehee

TalkingHead, aka Genghis Kahn

125

Thanks, guys, you sure offer a lot of moral support for people who only know me from a couple of mushy threads! Really, it’s very sweet.

And FTR, I was lying around with the phone and the cat most of the day yesterday more because I was completely exhausted from extended, ridiculous sleep deprivation than because I was waiting for Dude #2 to call. I have a cell phone, for which he has the number, so he could have found me wherever I was, anyway. I just couldn’t even rouse myself off the sofa long enough to play guitar or make some real food most of the day, so I decided some serious bumming around and quality time with the kitty was in order.

Now if only I’d managed to sleep for a chunk of it, I might even be functional today…

But still, TalkingHead, it was very sweet of you to be so protective of someone you don’t even know! And thanks, everyone, for the feedback; please keep it coming.

And does anyone else notice that I tend to use a ridiculous proportion of semicolons?

126

I hesitate to be the wet blanket, especially since everything else Eva Luna has said about Dude #2 sounds encouraging, BUT…

If some guy sent me home early, after a great date and obvious encouragement, to do his laundry, that would be another “file it away” moment (i.e. not necessarily a bad thing, but more info needed). IANAM(ale) but, IME, any guy who wants to spend more time with a girl he’s met would gladly either stay up later to do the laundry or go commando the next day: “FUN FEMALE” trumps “LAUNDRY” every time.

Having said that, I wise Eva, Bad Hat and all the others all the best in finding what they want - good or bad.

127

Wireless, yeah, I hear ya…however, it was midnight once again after spending another 7 hours in various locales, and I really needed to get some sleep, too, as I wake up for work at 6 am and have been ridiculously sleep-deprived anyway. So here I am sticking up for Dude #2 again, and hoping I don’t end up regretting it.

However, my best guy buddy is starting to wonder if Dude #2 is gay, since he’s made n omoves on me, which I really doubt; I think he’s just too much like my buddy in his attitudes on how long to wait before making a move, which means either a) that I will have to whack him over the head with a baseball bat, or handcuff him, or something; or b) I’ve totally misinterpreted everything else.

Any thoughts, guys? Or am I stuck with either a) waiting it out to see what happens; b) calling him on it, or c) planting a big fat sloppy one on him? What kind of date situation will best force the issue (beyond a game of Spin-the-Bottle or something)?

128

a romantic dinner, either chez you, or chez him…

129

Maybe I’ll find some way to get him up to my place to get acquainted with my kitty…he’s been hinting that he misses having one, and loves to have visitation rights with other peoples’ cats.

Of course, there’s always the tried and true “I have this great new album; wanna come up and hear it?” that worked so well the last time (although I really did want my now-ex to hear the album; it wasn’t a pretext, but everything else pretty much followed naturally). I’ve got what must be a zillion off the beaten path albums that he would love, but probably hasn’t ever heard of. I think both iedas are lower-pressure than the dinner thing, although I am a damn good cook if I must say so myself (and what I serve for dinner ain’t bad either!).

Once, when my ex and I broke up the first of what turned out to be several times, I was trying to entice him over with promises of Hungarian goulash and apple cake, and a rematch at Trivial Pursuit, and he called me a “culinary Osama Bin Laden.” No man can resist, so most don’t bother trying! (And that’s even before I beak out the whipped cream!) He did put up a valiant effort, though.

130

Mmmm… whipped cream… errr… I was going to say something… uhhh… right.
After a long date, going off to do laundry is one of those things which could say:

  1. I’m disorganized and if I don’t do laundry I’ll be going through my day in clothes which smell, and since you probably want me to see you soon I’d rather do it feeling clean
  2. I’d love to stay here with you, but I’m just so exhausted that I need to go home and get some rest, but I’m just a little bit too proud to let you know that I’m worn out.

In terms of getting his attention, here’s my tip, although it takes a bit of prep: In the shoulder, there’s a line of muscle which is ALWAYS tense on ANYONE who isn’t a complete pothead AND zen master. If you have even a decent touch, running your fingers gently but firmly along this line is a sure winner. If you look at a shoulder from the back, you’ll see a spot where the skin is tacked down to the shoulderblade. You should be able to feel the ridge on your shoulderblade if you reach over, as well. Start at the point where this ridge joins the collarbone, on the inside. Follow the muscle with your fingertips toward the neck, ending up about an inch below and behind where the ear joins the head. If he mentions stress or fatigue or emotion of any kind, that gives you an excuse to do this… I have used this to stop people CRYING before. It feels terrific, just be sure you’re far enough back when you get to the neck (very painful if you run over the veins and arteries in the neck) and that you don’t press too hard. This is much more therapeutic than beating him with a frying pan, and if you can do this to him in a romantic setting while he’s already attracted to you… well if he doesn’t get the hint, he’s probably either very, very gay or so totally preoccupied with something else that he can’t focus on his surroundings. Should that be the case, ask.
(advice disclaimer: I may be single for a reason;) )

131

I like, I like. But I really should have been monitoring this thread an awful lot more closely than this - instead, I’ve been dating “The Milk Man” like a mad-crazy person.

Okay, some background? I got set up on a blind date with above-mentioned Milk Man, who is the big cheese at the company I am currently temping at (a dairy, go figure). I did not think, at the time that I accepted this set-up, that they would transfer me from one plant to the other, where he is. oops!

So, he calls me up, and we talk for about three hours. Then, we agree that next weekend, we’ll go out for dinner and a movie. So that conversation winds up with Milk Man picking me up to go for drinks around 8pm. And returning me home at about 2am. We were not dancing, or really drinking much, just nursing our bevvies and talking and talking and talking … :smiley: I like talking!

So, I guess that was a “prequel date.” We did dinner the following weekend as arranged, but we forgot to go to the movie. We were talking. What can I say?

This past weekend when I should have been reading this thread religiously we just camped out at his place, crotch-sparks and all. We had one conversation, which sort of bummed me out a bit just based on the topic, and he then did the sweetest thing to have happened to me in recent memory. He “had” to go run an errand. Could I stay here and wait for him? Weird, but okay, I stayed. He came back with steaks (which he already had in the fridge) and a big bouquet of flowers. Let me say that again: a big bouquet of flowers!!!

This guy seems to be hitting all the plusses, somebody please talk sense to me!!

132

Sinshine, this probably isn’t going to help you much, but why do you need sense when you have a cute, interesting, and considerate guy with steaks and flowers? Heck, I’m jealous! But hey, don’t listen to me, because I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…

But I’m intrigued: what about the conversation topic bummed you out, if you don’t mind sharing?

Hell, I’m never going to get to sleep tonight; just got home from guitar class, and my guitar teacher, on whom I have had an immense crush for the past year and a half (which will probably remain forever unpursued, mainly because he is attached and secondarily because I am a chicken-shit, as previously discussed, plus I have a huge fear of looking like a cheezy, ditsy groupie), touched my shoulder…I’m never going to wash it again! Seriously, I always come home from class walking on air, and only partly because of the teacher, as I’m a huge music lover.

So Sinshine, anyway, just chant the mantra…“it’ll still be fun in two weeks…it’ll still be fun in two weeks…”

133

it’ll still be fun in 1 week, 4 days and 19 minutes
it’ll still be fun in 1 week, 4 days and 19 minutes
it’ll still be fun in 1 week, 4 days and 19 minutes
it’ll still be fun in 1 week, 4 days and 19 minutes
it’ll still be fun in 1 week, 4 days and 19 minutes

:smiley:
Chris (who’s not keeping score or anything)

134

Ah Sinshine, Eva & Bad Hat you are helping me live vicariously through others. Thankyou

Glad to hear hear everything is going well crotch sparks 'n all!

ems

135

So, Bad Hat, as I recall, tonight’s show in Grant Park is Hitchcock something-or-other. Was that intentional, so NTG should get startled and grab you for comfort, to protect her from the 30-foot-tall figure with the knife? You must update when you get home!

136

hmmm. actually:

The ORIGINAL plan for tonight was the Grant park Movie, whch this week is “Horse Feathers” (a Marx Bros movie), but since neither of us really care all that much for the Marx Bros we decided to hold off on the Movie Night in grant part till next week, which is in fact, Vertigo.

The new plan is the Wilco movie “I am Trying to Break Your Heart” at the Music Box.

As a couple of threads over in the Cafe will attest, I’m sort of a Wilco Junkie. A couple of weks ago i had company in from LA for the sole purpose of seeing both of thier shows at the Riv. (i never did post about those by the way, they were amazing though). Anyhow, the movie is only here till thursday, and on our 2nd date, the band came up and i started raving about them, and actually happened to be wearing the same jeans I had worn to the show, and discovered a flier for the Movie in my Altoid pocket. :wink:

I told her the story of the movie (which if you don’t know it, its pretty facinating, maybe i’ll link to it later), and she admittend relative ignorance about Wilco. AnyHOW, the movie closes thursday and thusfar all of my attempts to wrangle some friends to see it have been thwarted by fate.

I sent her some Wilco Educational materials sunday night. So when she discoverd that t his weeks Grant Park movie was a marx bros movie, she wrote to me:

beaming was i. So, I made her a couple of Wilco mix CDs and altered my bike ride route slightly so that i happened past her apartment last night, and dropped them off, so she can get a little crash course before tonight.

An appeall to yall for quick confirmation of my instinct, if i may: that doesn’t strike anyone as creepy does it? She had other plans last night, and usually ride my bike about 15-20 miles every night, and had already told her i was gonna make her a mix sometime, so I just made it and dropped it off last night as a surprise. I’ve been to her apartment before (out front, anyway), so there was no sleuthing invloved or anything… what say yall? is this a sweet surprise? or unsettling?

Anyway… so tonight is Wilco-night, when i shall see a reputedly ewxcellent movie about my favorite band, have a good dinner in that cool restraunt district around the Music box, and hang out with Awesome Teacher Girl.

Things is good.

Sin, he brought you steak and flowers and the problem is WHAT now? He digs you!!! Thats awesome. He’s thoughful!!! thats awesome. He knows his meat!!! Thats awesome. Take it slow and really, don’t think of it as deprivation.

This is for ALL of US. That uncertainly, and giddiness and confusion is GREAT!!! Think of it as enjoying the view instead of waiting impariently to get to some destination (or in Eva’s case, to figure out what the destination IS). remember the LAST time you were in a serious relationship… even if it was a great relationship, you always think back so fondly on the awkward “getting to know you” courting dance. Nothing feels liek that, but at the time sometimes we get so busy being GOAL oriented that we don’t enjoy it, too busy, as we are, looking for signs and trying to interpret gestures and inflections.

RELAX.

That is all.

Chris (a black pot preaching to a choir of kettles)

137

I should ammend the Mix Tape story a bit, for clarity. I literally just dropped the envelope with the CDs on her front porch.

I didn’t pull a “hey i know you had other plans, but i thought i’d drop by to say HI and give you these”.

i knew she wouldn’t be home. Straight-up package delivery mission. Nothing more. I’ve seen enough TV in my life that i would never just “drop by” unexpectedly for a chat or anything.

C

138

Heh. Sinshine, you and I sound a lot alike (with the exception of the whole “reformed bad girl” thing… I’ve pretty much always been a muffin-making dork…). I love the “Milk Man” nickname (all of my love interests get nicknames)!

What I REALLY love, however, is that “Crotch Sparks” seems to have really taken off as the phrase-du-jour in this thread! :smiley:

A hearty, “Hoo-BABY! Way to go!” goes out to Eva Luna on both the guitar lessons and the boy…

Oh, and Bad Hat, are you a Jayhawks (the band, not the college mascot) fan as well?

139

Bad Hat
<IMHO>

There are two big factors in the welcome of a surprise: the other person’s interest in you, and the timing…
How do you know which is what? By the Response you get from the surprise.

the surprise package is always welcomed by a girl who is heavily interested in you…
Now, if she isn’t interested in you, then it can be “stalking”…

IMHO, I always like surprise visits and surprises left for me, so long as they are done in good taste…

Surprise Visits
An example of the visit I don’t like: it’s 2 am, I’m sleeping (read: on the internet), in my pj’s and I get a knock on the door from someone who must talk to me and needs to profess an undying love… Now, that’s one I’m not sure I like…

An example of a surprise visit I like: it’s 7:30, I’m debating whether to go down to Starbuck’s and have a coffee, or sit on the couch and talk on the phone, and there is a knock on the door… that’s fun… not only did they settle what I was going to do for the evening, but they through in a bonus…

how to make the good visit turn creepy: keep lingering after I give clues that I need to do something else… or, if I answer the phone and keep talking… or, if I talk about needing to walk the dog and don’t invite you to come along… or, if I say I need to take a shower and don’t invite you… or, if I say I’m going out, but don’t tell you where and don’t invite you…

how to make a surprise visit turn awesome: keep lingering through the flirts (cause I’m one of those nice guys that takes a little while before I’ll move, but once I decided it’s on, watch out)…

how to spoil any surpise – keep doing it over and over… it’s no longer a surprise, but just unannounced check ins (and becoming psychotic behavior)

Surprise Packages
A surprise package found when I am at a predictable place is great…

A surprise package found on my car when I’m leaving from an unannounced location is not — inspires the feeling that I’m being stalked…

a surprise note scrawled on a piece of paper torn from a gracery bag makes me really believe it was coicindental that they saw my car…
but the surprise note laser printed on stationary paper in Old English font makes me think that it’s a professional stalker…

Response Time
I always respond IMMEDIATELY to a welcome surprise, I might even surprise visit who did it (hey – what a reward, eh?)

If I’m not sure – I might wait a little.

If I think I’m dealing with a psycho… I don’t call, or I tell them the next convenient opportunity that I appreciated the attention, but would prefer if we talk on the phone or email…

If you hear nothing but crickets about the surprise, then don’t do anymore and don’t even ask about it…

</IMHO>

TalkingHead, who likes it when friends drop by to say hi…

140

TalkingHead, that was AWESOME!!!

I got a thank you email and a “i love this disc” and “see you tonight”, just a few minutes ago, but i feel like i should print your post out and send it to friends as necessary. (due credit of course).

Gotta jet
more later