WHy can't I like the nice, stable ones, dammit?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

Last night was fun, although not for the reason y’all are probably thinking (it was a long-awaited Karaoke with the Girls Night). But lest I leave you guys in the lurch without any more gory details (not that the details are particularly gory…yet, anyway, but I have high hopes for the future!), some more narrative may be in order.

Anyway, I already stayed up too late with Dude #2 on Thursday night; after the Bulgarian dancing, we took the El home (did I mention he lives 3 blocks from me? How convenient!). It was 10:30 or so, and since it was a work night, I was fully prepared to just go home, maybe practice guitar for a while, and go to sleep. Hey, a girl’s gotta sleep once in a while! But he asked if I wanted to go for a drink, and he suckered me into it. We were having such a nice time talking about everything under the sun that by the time I looked at my watch, it was midnight…I have a way of losing track of time around him, and apparently it goes in both directions. Anyway, I’m the one who wakes up at 6 am for work, so he felt bad and offered to walk me home.

I was about to just go upstairs and crash, but he kept coming up with new and interesting things to talk about, so we were standing in front of my building for another hour. I didn’t get to sleep until almost 2, because I was so damn wired when I lay down that I couldn’t sleep. (Guess what my favorite sleep-aiding activity is?) I don’t know how, but I was still wired all day at work and all through karaoke yesterday, and in spite of continued insomnia, am still wired. This tends to happen when I sense a relationship coming on; I can’t sleep and don’t feel like eating. The last time, I lost 10 lbs. in a month without trying. (And believe me, they were from all the right places. A friend asked me the last time how I was feeling about the new dude, and my unthinking response was, "It’s great! I lost 10 lbs., and I’m getting into pants I haven’t gotten into in years!)

Anyway, Dude #2 already had plans for tonight, but we made tentative plans to get hot and sweaty tomorrow…bike riding! Get your minds out of the gutter! It may also involve the Gold Coast Art Fair and maybe Ben & Jerry’s, depending on the weather. (Did I mention that I’m a third-generation whipped cream professional? but that’s another story. And as I said before, Dude #2 may never know what hit him.)

Anyway, for now I’m trying to suppress this insane level of anticipation…friends have suggested to me that I tend to dive in too fast and get hurt in these situations. But I really like him; we were trading stories about who has the geekier and more esoteric interests, and I sent him links to a couple of favorite web sites, including one where my master’s thesis is posted. (See my thread on the Chechens in GD if you’re interested.) In return, he sent me a couple of truly goofy ones, including: Lego Porn! Here’s a link:
http://stuff.death-from-above.com/lp/
So I think today’s project will be some serious apartment-cleaning, in anticipation of impending guest(s)…time to put on some coffee and rock ‘n’ roll!

Bad Hat, glad you had a blast. Please do tell more, once you wake up…

102

All the more reason to take it sloooow, dude. Take it from someone who could could make the olympic diving-in-too-fast team, if only i could stick the landing.

Of course you know this. But just remember, just like my little sex moral from page 2, the same applies to any kind of intimacy. “If its worth doing, it’ll still be worth doing in 2 weeks.”

Alright, you guys wanna hear randy? My big test on “is this worth it, or am I just horny?”, has always been the masturbation test. I’m not sure if it works as well for girls, but its worth a shot. If ya find yourself REALLY crotch-sparking for somebody, take care of business yourself, while thinking about the intended recipient. In my experience, if i am still interested afterwards, I know that theres a degree of genuine interest, but as often as not, as soon as I am done, I just want a sandwich or somethin’. This is how i know that i was just horny, and not particularly into that specific person.

I know I know, its crass as hell, but the male sex-drive can be a powerful, ugly, manipulative thing, so i have to fight it dirty, on its own level.

On the otherhand… if you truly are a “third-generation whipped cream professional”, well then its your moral imperative to share it with the world.

Sounds exciting though Eva, and I don’t mean to be a wet blanket, just the voice of concern and level headedness that i myself need from time to time, but generally ignore.

RE: my awesome first date… I just wrote my friend in LA to try to describe it. it doesn’t look so terribly exciting on paper, but it was a blast.

She had plans early so we ended up meeting really late (midnight-ish). Met at her place, brought her a jar of marmelade, as she had alluded to “the cups, the marmalade, the tea…” (TS Elliot) in an email and mentioned she had rercently had the tea and an apricot but was yet to indulge in any marmelade. I think i scored some points for that one.

We went to this great bar in wicker park (her neighborhood) called Pricillia’s. Its this punky place with a back patio that has a basketball half-court, so we drank a few beers there while the punk kids shot hoops. Great conversation.

Moved on to Red Dog (also in wicker park) when Pricilla’s closed. It was busier and more happening, but we could still hear eachother and had a really good time, kissed her at the bar about an hour into Red Dog. walked her home and sat on her front stoop for a while, talking and kissing. (note: no sex. this is good. for me)

she’s smart, literate, fun, athletic, a bike rider, a star wars fan, loves eminem* (tried to come up with an excuse to use him in her syllibus last year), stable (so far), hot, passionate about teaching, and appears to dig me.

*The Eminem thing: this was one of my favorite moments of the date by the way, she accidentally started to admit to liking eminem and realized that it could be a potentially bad first date thing to share- with opinions of Em as an “artist” being as polarized as they are. But i caught her before she could take it back and then reassured her that I’m firmly in the pro-eminem camp. in fact, around the Dope I’ve actually been a cheerleader for him from time to time. It was cute at the time, two hipster liberals admitting to a sort of mild little anti PC taboo.)

Chris (who’s gonna hit the lake now. i needs me some excersize)

103

not and apricot damnit.

a peach… arg…

104

Maybe we could form some sort of “delayed gratification/keeping things in perspective/takin’ it slooow” support network.

Whenever any of us feel compelled to share some grand gesture of our love or interest with a new suitor or suitee, it must be run by the committee first.

This has two potential benefits, by the way:

  1. it forces us to sleep on it, rather than saying stuff in the heat of the moment that haunts us later.

  2. it allows up to see it written down, and submitted for the supportive and concerned consideration of our fellow dopers.

just a thought
Chris

105

Pah… heartache sucks, I’m bitter and traumatized right now, but in a few weeks or months I’ll meet someone else who’ll make me forget I was ever upset and proceed to traumatize me further… at least I’m developing bedroom skills, and no matter how messed up the relationship is there are always a few things you can learn about relationships… I think I really want someone older this time around… Problem was that she felt that relationships and freedom were mutually exclusive, whereas older women know better…

106

But isn’t “sticking the landing” what got you into trouble the last time? :smiley:

I know, I know, down, girl, but it’s difficult a) when you think you really like someone and he likes you; and b) when it’s been as long as it has for me! I know the “will it still be fun in 2 weeks” test is absolutely true, but some smooching in the meantime sure would be fun.

I’m not generally one to jump into bed with a new guy; I mentioned this in another thread on my Reader Matches ad, but I’ve not done a lot of the casual dating thing for someone my age, so I tend to end up with guys I’ve known for a while in some other context. Most people would never guess it upon meeting me in a small group or one-on-one situation, but I’m actually kind of shy until I get to know people and apparently hide my shyness well for the most part. The end result of this is apparently that guys get mixed signals from me; we can be chatting merrily away, but something about my body language is apparently telling them “hands off.”

My most recent S.O., the one of the 23-hour first date, recognized this right away and called me on it; we’d already been talking for a good 7 hours in various locales before we ended up in my livingroom. I was of course too chicken to make a move myself, but was dying for him to. He picked up on it and asked me straight out if it was OK to kiss me, as my body position was going to make it rather awkward without my cooperation, and the rest was history. So although I’m not about to jump into bed immediately with Dude #2, I’m going to have to reactivate my already limited hinting skills.

As for the “keep it in your pants” support group: I like the idea. Your place or mine? :wink:

107

Now back from Date #3 with Nice Jewish Boy (who, in spite of the extremely Jewish last name and even more Semitic schnozz, turns out not to be Jewish, not that I care, but it was a bit of a surprise because I can usually guess these things).

Nice guy; zilcho in the crotch-sparks department. Why not, you ask? I finally figured it out: he’s BO-ring! I need a guy with a goofy streak, one who can make me laugh and who keeps me wondering a little bit about what will come out of his mouth next. Smart, polite, and recently bathed, in themselves, just don’t cut the mustard. Plus the nervousness in my presence, lack of eye contact, etc. are getting more and more off-putting.

We went to Grant Park to see Christopher Parkening; I brought a blanket, and I think at one point during the evening he may have actually gotten within 2 or 3 feet of me. If I would lay back to look up at the sky, he would sit up, and vice versa. It was at least as funny as last week’s aisle-diving episode. I couldn’t get him to talk about anything beyond guitar-related stuff, and maybe the occasional comment about a passing cute dog.

Contrast that with Bulgarian dancing, Lego Porn, laughter, and losing track of time, and guess who comes out ahead?

Oh, and Bad Hat, as for your little masturbation test; I haven;'t yet carried it through to its logical conclusion in this situation, but I don’t see the need because I’m never sexually attracted to people I’m not otherwise psychoemotionally attracted to (see my recent thread on why men are more likely than women to sleep with someone they actively dislike), no matter how hot they are physically. In fact, I’ve been attracted to guys who were kinda funny-looking, just because I liked them for who they were.

The problem now: I’ve spent the entire day thinking about how hot I am for Dude #2, while spending the evening with Nice Jewish Boy. I hope NJB didn’t get the wrong idea from what must have been my insanely dilated pupils and randy smile, but I now have 2 offers to go biking tomorrow. I fudged about my plans for some reason, but I really am getting to the point where I need to politely ditch NJB regardless of what may develop with Dude #2, which is something I’m really bad at. Any tips and/or moral support, guys?

108

Good stuff Eva Luna & Bad Hat! Pleased to hear the dates went well but yup the “delayed gratification/keeping things in perspective/takin’ it slooow” support network sounds like a good idea. Count me in on that - I will be the voice of reason for you both. :smiley: And as for NJB **Eva ** I think you are going to have to let him down gently somehow. Although no idea how.

And loupdebois don’t panic and don’t madly rush into anything and get let down just have fun.

tritoneI’m am sorry about the bad timing it sucks! Just keep an eye on those crotch sparks as you could do yourself an injury!

ems

109

Hello, my name is Bad Hat, and I have a huge crush on a good girl, and I am being a good guy.

ahhhh…

So, went out with teacher-girl again tonight. the one from last night. Went to a bar opening in Logan Square, she was already planning to go with some of her friends so when things went well last night, she asked me to go, and then remembered that I had told her I had other plans tonight.

But you see, I had already cancelled the date with Thelma/lousie. (eva, more on how I did it later). SO i said, i’d love to come. I met her at the bar at around 11:30 and met some of her friends, who were all quite nice to me, and seemed damn cool.

After the bar we got dessert at the Golden Somethin’-or-other. and just talked and hung out for a while. She drove me home (and we sat in front of my house for a while, talking and making out a little bit…) just got an “i made it home safe” email from her a second ago, and its making me smile.

I’m all aflutter. :slight_smile:

So anyway. eva, in re: the dumpage… how many dates is this? I’m of the firm believe that if its only been a couple of dates and you aren’t in any sense “a couple”, an email or a brief phone chat is just fine.

I actually dealt with thelma/louise that way, and felt wierd about it at first, but then, most of our relationship (minus the ONE date itself) was based in email, so it didn’t seem unreasonable to me to just say, essentially “had a change of heart, don’t think this is gonna work out, good luck, bye”. I customized it a little, but ya know, thems the breaks, i don’t really owe her anything after one date. I mean, she got like three free drinks and a tuna melt out of it.

I’ve been on the recieving end of that one too, and while you do get a little insulted, realistically, its LESS awkward than a face to face, and if you are sure about how you feel, thers no real point in a discussion anyway… so just do it.

Chris (<-----going to hell? probably)

110

btw, Eva…

wanna go biking tomorow? i hear the lake is scenic this time of year…

:wink:

C

111

I dunno, Bad Hat, I reckon calling it off over email after such a short time is no big deal… the problem I always have with splitting up with people, is finding the occasion to do it in person. If I call a guy and say, “hey, let’s catch up, we need to talk”, then he knows what’s coming and probably would rather it happened over the phone. It’s always a tricky situation, though :frowning:

As for me, I saw my gorgeous guy today, and i’m doing my very best to get over this crush, but it’s not easy. I’m gonna sign up for that support group right now!

Bad Hat and Eva, best of luck with your new romances :slight_smile:

112

Eva Luna, if you two were able to sit through a Christopher Parkening concert without touching, then it ain’t gonna happen. (Christopher Parkening? Really?)

So my advice is go with Dude #2. I started off this thread feeling like I was one of the nice guys, but I have to admit that after reading some of the stories posted here, I am pretty much the Jim Morrison of nice guys.

(Which leaves me no excuse for having no dates, but still…)

113

Damn insomnia! I am now awake for the third time since midnight, and this one feels like it’s for good (at least for today).

Bad Hat: awwww, shucks, how cute! (in re: Date #2). As for the biking: do they make anything longer than a tandem? Maybe I can do a half-century a la Spike Lee’s “She’s Gotta Have It” (the Thanksgiving dinner scene).

Thanks for everyone’s good wishes. I am now going to attempt to wait until Dude #2 calls me instead of calling him first, because a) I’ve initiated most of the contact, even if he’s been a most enthusiastic participant (plus, the biking thing, and getting together today in general, were his idea), and b) he is definitely a self-proclaimed Non-Morning Person. The first time I spoke to him was last Saturday morning; we’d been playing phone tag for a couple of days, so I called him about 10:30 in the morning, figuring that would be pretty safe, and woke him up.

He was pretty out of it, and it was really cute and funny listening to him try to get his synapses firing without the aid of caffeine. He made a valiant effort for 2 hours on the phone, and then finally gave in and basically said, “I’m having a blast talking to you, but I really have to stumble out to Cafe Boost and get some fuel in my system.” “Cafe Boost; really?” I asked. “Where are you?” Turns out he’s 3 blocks from my house, and asks if I want to meet him there in 15 minutes. I do, and we spent the next 4 hours talking in there, with both of us entirely blowing off what we’d planned to do that day. I didn’t even realize how much time had passed until after the first 3 hours and 45 minutes, but it took us the next 15 to conversationally disentangle.

So after that, I ran a couple of quick errands, and then it was off to aisle-diving with Dude #2. Pretty funny, since until last week I’d never had 2 dates with different guys in a 6-month period, let alone within 8 hours, let alone 2 guys with the same first name. Well, I figured, at least I won’t screw up and call one of them the wrong thing.

And Bad Hat & Jackelope, it’s been 3 dates with NJB, and it pretty much ain’t gonna happen, Christopher Parkening nonwithstanding. Hard to believe, isn’t it? So any tips on letting a guy down gently would be appreciated, as I don’t have much experience in that department (Not much casual dating experience, plus I’m usually the dumpeee).

Well, onward to another attempt at getting some sleep…I’ll check in later. Hope not too many of you are awake to read this right now, except the non-North Merkins.

114

What a Freudian slip! I just re-read my post, and that should be “aisle-diving with NJB,” though I was still thinking about Dude #2…hmmmm, so what does this mean?

115

wow what a question. why don’t women like nice guys. Nice guys are supplicating, sweet, NICE, but worst of all boring. Women want a man who excites them in any way and the last thing they want is to be bored. The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually payed some kind of attention to him. They are so eager to please that they will bring flowers, candy, and profess their undying love on the first date. Or, they are so shy they make no eye or physical contact at all. They cling along as friends hoping that one day they will someday become lovers, and they will not make a move. IMO i don’t blame women at all for not liking men like this.

116

well you could always quote Homer Simpson:

"Dear NJB,

Welcome to Dumpsville.

Population: YOU"

And Eva, when you wake up in earnest, read the second half of my last long post, it was specifically aimed at giving you a suggestion as to how to let the dude down.

Unless you DID read it, and you just hated my advice. Then, I am at a loss. After three dates, i don’t think you owe him anything beyond a nice “thanks, not happenin’, good luck, bye” email or phone call. You know how you feel, so theres no point in a long discussion so don’t bother like… doing it in person over lunch or something. needlessly awkward.

Actually teacher-girl told me that after we met friday night, she cancelled a date with another guy she had met thru Nerve. I guess she just called the dude and said:

“Sorry, but i met somebody else and i think there may be a spark. and I feel like i should pursue it in earnest. And i don’t feel comfortable trying to juggle a bunch of guys. good luck though, bye”.

Can i just gloat for a second about how great it made me feel when she told me that she gave some other dude the blow off over ME??? I’ve been on the recieving end of the above phone call enough times that hearing that she gave it to somebody else because of me was a realy nice feeling.

NJB will live, dude. Its never fun, but short and to the point will do the trick fiiine. Its not like you guys have pet custody to negotiate. Just give it too him straight.

Chris (just as a curiousity, is anyone else here listed on any of the spring st./nerve/onion/bust etc personals? if so, tie it into a dating story or some advice, i don’t wanna get in trouble for starting a Poll in MPSIMS)

117

Hi again from the Land of Sweaty, Pleasant, Protracted, and Non-Goal Oriented Biking and Flirting…

Just got home from Date #3 with Dude #2. We seemed to have had a minor miscommunication about the timing of the biking; I didn’t hear from him, so I (yeah, I know, said I wouldn’t but I did) called him at 12:30. (BTW, we hadn’t at all discussed timing for the biking, so he didn’t actually blow me off.) He wasn’t home, so I left a message and spent much of a completely lethargic day hanging out with my cat and catching up on long-distance calls to friends and family. The sleep deprivation is slowly driving me insane; I can’t sleep for more than 4 hours at a time, apparently, no matter how tired I am.

So by 3:00, when I hadn’t heard from him, I resigned myself to the possibility that he had flaked out on me, which is something my most recent ex did early on (and which I should have taken as a sign, but didn’t). However, my best guy buddy suggested that perhaps Dude #2 wanted to get together more toward evening, because then the date was more likely to stretch past dark, and first smooching is always less awkward after dark.

Lo and behold, he called around 4:30 and said he’d spent most of the day helping a friend fix her grandson’s computer, and had just gotten in, and that it would have been too hot to have fun biking during the day anyway. So we set out down the lakefront path around 5:00, watched the boats at Montrose Harbor for a while, then biked down to Armitage and had a leisurely dinner at RJ Grunts (which is when I realized that perhaps the reason I was so lethargic and spaced out was that all I’d eaten all day was a bagel and a glass of lemonade. I was much more human after some actual food.)

We stopped for a cup of coffee near home, schmoozed for a while telling childhood stories and such, and then he said he wanted to show me his garage (one of his hobbies is fixing up old motorcycles). Hmmmm, I was thinking, is this like asking if I want to see his butterfly collection? Alas, it was not, but we sat around talking some more, both there and in front of his place, before he finally pleaded that he had to do laundry as he had no clean socks or underwear for work tomorrow, and so I biked home.

In spite of my recent insanely out-of-control level of randiness, somehow I feel very relaxed and non-goal-oriented around him. I definitely seem to have found the perfect guy for a sincerely hardcore “take it slooooow” campaign. My best guy buddy sees this as a good thing, especially considering my most recent bit of guy history, as it seems Dude #2 actually wants to get to know me first. (And he’s already talking about some goofy theater thing he wants to do later this week, so it’s not like he’s trying to ditch me.) All the same, if I had some idea what might await me down the road, I might feel more relaxed about it taking a while to get there. In the meantime, however, I’m seriously considering acquiring some rechargeable batteries…

And Bad Hat, I know, I know, I need to have a talk with NJB; he called on my cell phone around 1:00, and I let it go to voice mail because I didn’t want to deal with him, because I know what I have to do when I get around to dealing with him. I’m just reaaaaallly not relishing it, but know it has to be done. I just have absolutely no urge to see him again, but am horrendously bad at telling people things they won’t want to hear. Something to work on in the boundary-setting department. Anyone know of a nice, geeky nymphomaniac I could send his way to ease the pain?

118

If I knew a nice, geeky nymphomaniac, I’d send her MY way…

119

If I knew a nice, geeky nymphomaniac, I’d send her MY way…

120

Well, Eva Luan just got me depressed. I’m a boring person, damnit.

Don’t any females enjoy a nice evening of sitting around and watching a good movie, maybe with some chips to snack on?
I’m doomed to a life of celibacy, aren’t I?