The Ladder Theory would say that he didn’t rank you high enough. He may also just have been too shy to make a move. When I was in high school, there were plenty of girls I liked who I never put the moves on.
You’re probably talking about sexual attaction or sexual chemistry here. It’s a major problem with some women that they feel that the chemisty is either here or will never be, however this is not always the case. Chemistry can be developed over time by both men and women.
Well, gee, I’m sorry - as I said it’s been my experience. That doesn’t mean the tension is accompanied by agonies of desire. That doesn’t mean anyone is going to act on those tensions (although some good-natured flirting might occur, although you have to be careful about that, it can be either misinterpreted or painful for some people) It is a quality wholly absent from my same-sex friendships (although I’ve had one or two women who were bi or lesbian tell me they had desires I just didn’t share and couldn’t possibly return).
And sexual desire isn’t based just on looks - it is possible to have someone who is very “hot” (however you defin that) who you despise because, outside of looks, they’re mean, horrible, cruel people. Likewise, it is entirely possible to be attracted to someone whose looks are not good (however you define that). After all, there are people who are maimed, deformed, horribly scarred, or otherwise physically flawed who manage to get mates and even reproduce. So yes, it’s all very complicated.
“Desire” does not automatically imply “f*ck like bunnies given a chance”. As I said men are not dogs (neither are women). The animal side of us might have urges and responses based on appearance or emotion, but we also have a mind and intellect that has a major effect on our sexual lives as well. I might get hot and wet looking at Pierce Brosnan in a movie, but I know that actually I know this man not at all and if I met him no, I wouldn’t have sex with him even if a no-strings opportunity occurred. That doesn’t mean his looks have no effect on me.
“Sexual tension” may be anywhere from intense to very mild. I don’t forget my man friends are men, I am a woman, and the potential is there even if we have no intention of acting on it. Likewise, there may be any number of reasons a man does not “take advantage” of a situation where sex is offered. That doesn’t mean he has no sexual feelings, it means he has something else on the table that outweighs any sexual urges (of whatever degree).
Of course they do - as I keep saying, men are not dogs. Although even dogs relate to each other outside of sex. Both men and women want to connect on an intellectual and emotional level with their SO’s because, first of all, humans are social animals. But sex with people you’ve connected with is better than sex with strangers - if it wasn’t, we’d all “just be friends” and prostitution would be legal and common. That doesn’t mean we want to f*ck all our friends, but it does mean those urges can appear in a friendship.
As for simplistic - there IS a limit to the length of a post on this board, not to mention I have to go to work at some point, eat meals, etc. I was really trying to explain to Jennyrosity a relationship point she seemed to be missing - that doesn’t mean all those other factors don’t exist.
And do you call someone a SO if you aren’t having sex with them? Doesn’t “SO” imply a physical intimacy? The sex factor doesn’t mean all those other aspects of a relationship don’t exist, too.
Yes, I can call someone an SO even if the sexual component is temporarily missing. SO does imply physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not the equivalent of sex.
Damn, you go to a IMHO thread and a Great Debate breaks out.
White Ink-I’ll play Devil’s Advocate with you and take Mr2001’s thoughts a step further. Is it possible the guy did want a roll in the hay with you, but either didn’t think you would really be receptive or was bang alongside the idea of some play but not totally hot on the relationship idea? Not trying to offend, honestly, but I know from experience that high school males are dealing with some intense stress as far as their position on the social ladder. Many times, if they are not at the top of the ladder, that lack of social stature will translate into an inadequacy when it comes to females. My thought process was exactly this-“Even the girls who aren’t the hottest, most popular probably still want to date the guys who are. So what would they want with me?” In a lot of cases, this inadequacy will fade when the confines of high school are left behind, leaving the guy to wonder later if everything was as bad for him as he thought. If you’re still in contact with the guy, and could maybe stand a little uncomfortableness, you might broach the subject with him if you haven’t in the past.
And to the other point-again, not trying to offend. All of us probably have people they find attractive enought sexually, but just can’t see being more serious with, for whatever reason. So, if the guy was mature enough to realize that, while sex is fun, it’s not worth the complications if you don’t want a relationship, he may have passed on the notion because he vauled spending time with you that was uncomplicated by the awkwardness that usually arises from those situations.
Again, just Devil’s Advocate with this. You were there and I was not, so if this is totally off base, disregard it.
Urban Ranger-Yeah, I guess it’s at least partially about sexual chemistry. I do know from an informal poll of sorts that some women do know in the first 5-10 minutes of meeting a guy whether they consider him dateable or not. I know I’m sliding into Ladder Theory territory, but I have a feeling that he’s not too far off the mark here. I do agree that things can change as far as chemistry goes; I think these changes happen over a longer period than a few dates, however. I’ve seen it happen when, as in Jennyrosity’s case, one of the parties drops out of the other’s life for a while. Time passes, circumstances change, people change, and when next they cross paths, a genuine spark develops. But when the people stay friends, those changes are so gradual that they are assimilated piecemeal and aren’t drastic enough to force a person to reevaluate their feelings toward the other. It can happen between people who remain friends after one spurns the other’s advances, but it’s not common.
look!ninjas and Elysian-Thanks for the compliments.
Flypsyde sorry about missing the y’s in your name earlier. I so wish! that it had been the case that the guy from HS. He was your average geeky overweight HS kid who I thought was fabulous as he had wicked humor, & was super smart, & although geeky, not socially retarded. However, brazen youth that I was, we had NUMEROUS conversations regarding sexual activity, and I was fairly upfront about things. I’m fairly certain that I’m right about how things were. Ah youth.
I actually think that UrbanRanger has it backwards with regard to chemisty & attraction. I don’t think chemistry can be developed, it’s either there, or it isn’t. Attraction, is something that is either there, or it isn’t, but I think can be developed over time as you grow more attracted to the entire package. You can overlook the lack of chemistry by having the attraction grow on you. However, as I say this, I wonder if it’s one of the cardinal differences between men & women and how they relate at the hard wired level. It would lend a certain credence to why men hang around, waiting to see if the woman they fancy develops that attraction. Yet, it still seems one sided. These don’t seem to be men who would be open to the idea of letting a woman be a friend while she waited for him to learn to be attracted to her. Seems more cut & dried.
To me, attraction and chemistry are synonymous in this context. Sure, attraction has a broader application, though in regards to seeing whether somebody is dating material, they are the same.
I would like to hear your definitions. 
Jennyrosity, this is more along the lines of consolation than advice, I suppose but… I’m a guy who’s been in that situation…liked a female friend of mine…asked her out, she said “Don’t see you that way.”, so I know what that feels like (we’re still very good friends, btw). And yeah, it hurts, but that doesn’t really justify those two guys severing contact with you. Part of being an adult is learning how to be mature about your emotions, and if these guys couldn’t handle the situation better than that, it’s definitely not your fault.
I would say it would be a good thing to keep in mind the fact that they are/were hurt, though…people don’t always make the best of decisions when under emotional durress.
Ah ha…but is it more mature to back off, lick your wounds, make some fulfilling connections elsewhere, and try to come back at the relationship from a different angle, OR to hang around, suffer, and occasionally lash out in fits of passive-aggressive shittiness?
I imagine these guys are trying to do the ‘honorable thing’- in their heads, at least. Give them time, and maybe they will try to reform the friendship after they’ve gone on to fulfill their needs for intimacy, just like you’ve done for yourself.
I think I’d say something more along the lines of stoicism is called for…hang around and suffer, just don’t tell anyone
Thanks to everyone for your thought-provoking responses. I’m just going to leave it to the guys in question to decide if and when they want to resume our friendship. It’s a shame, because I do miss them, but I’ll just have to accept it. Also, as I’m at that totally loved-up stage of a new relationship, which is so much fun if it’s happening to you, and sooooooo annoying if it’s not, it’s probably a good idea for most of my friends to avoid me for a while! Anyone care to join me in a gooey moment? 
Well, I’m actually just going through this same situation, but as the role of a friend. While I honestly can’t tell you how things like this turn out (since it hasn’t turned out yet), but I can tell you how a guy in this situation feels.
Basically, I completely fell in love with this casual acquaintance. We were in the same clubs and we exchanged foreign films every once in a while. I asked her out, she said no, and we became friends. We both knew full well that I still harbored feelings for her, but it was sort of understood that we were just biding our time until she reciprocated. She repeatedly tried to fall in love with me, but it only bred resentment. She decided, as quietly as possible, that I was no longer an option.
You know what? After the flirting and “Just wait,” messages I got, I really would have appreciated being told I wasn’t being considered in a romantic way anymore. Instead, she decided to avoid the conflict and just not tell me - she was afraid I’d stop being her friend if I knew that. You know the scene in Office Space where they figure out the flaw in payroll where Milton is getting paychecks despite being fired and decided to let the problem work itself out to avoid conflict?
Over a year later, she began to date a much older friend of mine. There were so many reasons that I disagreed with the relationship, but she ignored everything and chalked it up to a general bias. Now, we don’t talk outside of business (the irony of it all is the very clubs where we got to know each other, we know run together) and we’ve essentially ruined our friendship. Would it have been different if she were REALLY honest about the whole thing? Maybe, maybe not.
She says it’s not right to take my friendship away because of something so immature. I don’t think it’s immature and I have a right to do whatever I want with MY friendship. To the OP: While you may have been honest about it, can you honestly say they weren’t even a consideration in the back of your mind after you originally tell them no? Sad to say, one no is not always enough.
– Shawn K.
Snap diagnosis:
Immature guys dealing with unattainable desire object.
I knew immediately that the OP would be by a female. Please see “When Harry Met Sally” for discussion of guys’ attitudes towards girls as really good friends.