Why did I let myself fall for him? *TMI*

The BBQ Pit
61

Little Bird - Your words:

and

. . . made me assume that you had already had sex with him. My mistake, please disregard my comment.

I will say that you should seriously consider having sex with this guy (or any other guy) until you are emotionally ready. It doesn’t mean you are naïve, just smart.

Yeah, but isn’t your above quote something only “those bitter because they can’t get laid” say?

Thought so.

If thinking that a person should be emotionally ready before spreading their legs makes a person a slut, well I must be one.
Hugs and Kisses,
The Slut

62

I don’t think that’s what she meant.

From my perspective, what I read was her worrying that his thoughts on sex and love were not the same as her own, a definite problem in a developing relationship.

It must be hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t put much emotional value on sex (a POSSIBLE reason for the number 4) when you only recently had to amend your decision to wait until marriage.

63

Stop complaining. At 26, I hadn’t had any. So it looks like you had my share.

64

Yes, have as much sex as you possibly can! :wink:

28 and none of your damn business.

The views and opinions expressed in this thread are kinda all over the place, but the general gist (IMOSHO) is this: don’t worry about a number, worry about the person. If he treats you well and you enjoy being with him and he with you, who cares what he did with past girlfriends (or O.N.S.'s)? As hansel said in another thread: “sex is an activity, not a declaration of love.” Would you be as worried if he’d never had sex but had kissed 50 girls? Certainly, all of those 50 could not have meant something to him, right?

You seem to have a decent head on your shoulders, but this is something that you’re just going to have to live through and make your own decisions about. Since you posted, though, IMHO, it’s not a big deal.

[ul]-ts[/ul]
P.S.: If the average is 5 partners/person, I feel sorry for those on the other side of the bell curve. :wink:

65

Hey, Diane, I didn’t say the thing about the sluts. I have no problem with women going around and having sex with whomever strikes their fancy. That’s just not the way I do it. :slight_smile:

66

Jonathan Chance: Hey, you post a rant in the pit, you’re taking your chances with what the response will be. To quote Diane:

Diane was talking about sex, but I think that it applies to posting threads in the Pit as well.

67

Another Freudian typo. You know where my mind is. :wink:

(1) I know you didn’t say the comment regarding sluts, I was responding to Royal Sampler.
(2) I don’t recall any woman in this thread stating that they “go around having sex with whomever strikes their fancy.”
(3) There is a vast difference between fucking anything and everything that moves compared to having an open and accepting mind and realizing that sex isn’t this naughty, nasty. . . oh wait. . . naughty and nasty are GOOD. What I mean to say is that sex isn’t something that should be shameful and horrible nor is it always a declaration of love.
(4) Making love is very nice. Two consenting adults fucking each others brains out for no other reason except gratification can be very nice as well. I’ve done both and enjoyed it immensely, although in very different ways.
(5) If you make the decision to have sex with another person, you do have a right to know their sexual history for your own medical safety. Any other reason is pointless and nothing to loose sleep over. You can’t change the past and if you hold them in judgment, do them a favor and walk away from the relationship.
(6) The main point that I have been trying so hard to get across is that you really should consider holding off on sex with anyone until you have matured enough to handle the big responsibilities, especially since you aren’t able to handle the little things (and I don’t mean wieners).

68

Ohferhellsake - LOSE sleep over, not “loose”.

Wow, that was an unfortunate typo. :::blush:::

69

I seriously hope you didn’t mean that pun. If you did, we’ll have to hunt you down and flog you with… with… well, something that will really hurt.

Steven

70

When I married my husband, (he was 21) he’d had sex (intercourse) with about 11 people (and sexual relationships with several others)… but he is a WONDERFUL and very loving husband, a great father, and a responsible bread-winner.

71

Am I the only person who’s thinking of that bit of dialogue from Clerks?

72

Nope, not at all:

73

Apparently just oral sex which is … different.
(In my youth, oral sex was considered to be an even more intimate act.)

74

Well, BC, I had sex with whomever I wanted to, whenever. I had serious relationships as well, but was never really much for monogamy. But always was for safe sex.
AD, in my life, I haven’t had sex with anyone and that’s been… about 5 years. Can I be called a virgin again? :slight_smile:

I really don’t care about how many people my partner slept with, but as I’m much for monogamy now, just care about how many people he may be sleeping with while he’s sleeping with me.

You know, Little Bird, it’s going to be a different call for you than for other people. That’s the way it is. Take it easy and see where things go with this guy. And don’t worry so much about his past as his present while you’re with him. You sound young, you have a long road ahead of you and in a few years (if not less) I venture to guess that this number will not mean too much to you.

75

Oooh, FUCK YOU MAN — I now have Fresca dribbling down from my nose…

** mental note. Never drink a soft drink again while reading one of gobear’s posts. Oye gevalt ;j I just love him !!

Originally Posted by Primaflora

**

Yeah, I meant to ask you- did you EVER find the pinkie ring that I lost in the trapeeze? Just wondering. :smiley:

Now that I’m done being a wise-ass, to the O.P. Seems to me that a few Dopers are really nailing it on the head here. If the number alone is stopping you, then perhaps you have to look at yourself harder than you are looking at him. For a 20-year old man, I’d opine that 4 partners is not an outrage.

Perhaps a frank discussion is in order here. ( usually a good idea BEFORE sumberging in what our dearly beloved jarbabyj refers to as Liquid Fuck.) Ask this New Man about the partners. Did he have serious relationships with them, and the intimacy was a part of that? Are you the first lady who is more than a hot-flash moment of intimacy? Does he also have such feelings for you? Do you judge him harshly because you feel that the other 4 women might have been superficial relationships?

Why do you say, " how can I compete with 4 women??". You don’t, who could? Who would WANT TO??? You enter into a friendship, that becomes something more personal, with expectations only between the two of YOU. ( At least, I do that, or did back when…). Knowing more about his past would hopefully not sully your future. It would enhance it- you will know the details, however gritty you both want to get in that area-god knows- but at least you will know what he has done in his life, as he will know about you.

You two get to step forward together, as a couple- if that is indeed what you become. I’d just beg you not to short-change the feelings you had for him that were fine and pure and lovely and developing at a good clip, BEFORE you found out he’d had 4 other partners.
I’m a slut, too. Does it make me evil? Look at the complete person, my friend. This might be a wonderful thing you’ve entered into, just don’t sell it short !!

good luck,
Cartooniverse – who believes in, as the Priest said at the end of “Princess Bride”,

Cartooniverse

76

Little Bird, I too got a little bent by the insinuation that multiple sex partners over the course of one’s life somehow diminishes or eliminates one’s status as “good marriage material.” I must disagree. Vehemently.

What on earth does it matter how many people you’ve slept with? Do you expect that the man you fall in love with will have been some kind of bubble-boy before he met you?

My husband and I both led active, crazy lives before we found each other. We have never discussed “stats” in all the years we’ve been married (probably a good thing, 'cause I think I’ve got him well beaten). We love each other and are committed to this marriage and this family, and that is what matters.

And I hate to sound harsh, but I have to agree with some of the other posters about physical maturity vs. emotional maturity. It sounds like you may be in way over your head, or that your core values are clashing with your current behavior.

Just another former slut, checking in.

77

When I was 19 I met a guy who was also 19, and was shocked to find he’d had two partners.

Two!!!??? I thought I would die. I didn’t know anyone else who had only had two partners. Some of my friends were well in to double numbers.

The average age my friends lost their virginity at was 16. The average teen relationship lasted less than 12 months. An average member of our group would hook up with someone new in a matter of weeks. This adds up quickly.

I knew one girl who lost her virginity at 13. Granted, this is not recommended behaviour, but when you couple sexual activity with people too young to hold down relationships, the numbers can blow out in no time.

I remember watching Roseanne, Jackie guesses she’s had two partners a year since she was 16ish, meaning she’d slept with 60 people. She couldn’t believe it, and was shocked. It was a good example of how easy it is to get the numbers up there.

Huh? What is this? Why do you ask this? Why do you have to ask this? A simple “Have you ever had unprotected sex?” would cover all the ground you need, and not sound so damn childish. I’m sorry, but it does sound childish to me.

First - did he love them? Well, sex does not always equal love. Sometimes sex is just sex. Then - what does it matter? Who cares why he slept with them? This is crazy talk. He did, and now he’s with you, and that’s over. Finito. End of story.
Second - who are you competing with? Four girls that obviously aren’t in his life anymore? Four girls that appealed to him at some time in the past? Four girls who aren’t in the bed with you? This is not a competition or a game. If he falls in love with you, he’s not going to be thinking “Well, geez, she don’t bonk so good as Mary Sue”. Sometimes, people can live in the now, you know. Will you be bringing your ex to bed with New Guy? No. Because that is over, and past, and if you’re really falling for New Guy, then Old Guy will have nothing to do with this situation. Ditto Four Old Girls.

Four partners is a joke. It is no more or less than I would expect any healthy, red blooded 20 year old male to have had. Heck, I know people who’ve had more marriages than that! The other thing is - young people have more sex partners. So he’s had four until now, that doesn’t mean he’ll keep up the same pace for the rest of his life. The time will come where you’ll all settle down into longer and more stable relationships, and the body count will stop rising. Until then, maybe you should, like, watch Friends or something, to get a hold of the fact that relationships don’t always work out and some people go through a number of partners before they find “the one”.

I’m sure I’ve sounded nasty throughout. I don’t mean it to be nasty, I mean it to be blunt and honest. I’m also surprised that, in this day and age, a girl of your age would be horrified by a number that seems so low to me.

(How old are you? I’m guessing 18, by the schoolwork and 3 year relationship comments.)

78

You know, for someone who is evidently a proper young lady, you certainly have a filthy vocabulary.