I am not saying that it happens, but I think this thought/topic is for the most part a myth.
As an older lady, I dont have any negative feelings at all about other women, young or old, looking attractive and wearing pretty clothes. Half the fun of going to church is enjoying how pretty we all are. I can honestly say that me and my friends actually encourage each other into looking better and more attractive. I enjoy the company of pretty younger women, and feel I have much more in common with them, enjoy talking about hair, nails, makeup, clothes, skincare, etc.
When I complement other women on their nails, hair, or what dress they are wearing, I usually mean it. When I meet another woman, the first thing I always do is to find “something” about her that I think really looks cute, and honestly and friendly say so in the first minute.
I can see that some very few women can be jealous, particuarly if they are not married and are competing in the same age bracket, and I can certainly see where exposing or flaunting like a slut is frowned on, but that is not the same thing.
It’s a fact that attractive people get more breaks and some people are resented because they get more attention. Still, I think blaming beauty" is a fallback because it’s easier to pin blame on something external than the internal. I remember hearing (and this may be out of context since I didn’t watch the show) that some young girl on “Survivor” commented that the older women on the show didn’t like her because she was younger and prettier or something to that effect. It seemed very imagined to me.
I find that a lot of times, the women who complain about others being jealous of their looks are not really that attractive themselves. Then again, the attitude seriously takes them down a few notches. The truly gorgeous ones don’t care either because they don’t think it matters or that maybe they are so far and away beautiful that there’s really no question. Maybe there’s a hidden (in)security question here.
In my experience, the women who complain about this–without specific examples, as given by vixenation–often have feelings of insecurity and inferiority.
Also, while they have complained that they are pigeonholed into being decorative objects (as opposed to intelligent women with personality and opinions), I don’t think they honestly would give up their looks (i.e. my friend who suggested average-to-ugly folk didn’t understand the difficulties of being a beauty might have been right, but it didn’t mean that she for one instant wished that she was ugly instead).
Overall, I found that these “fears” led into a cycle which did increase my insecurity around my pretty friends. I was stuck in a position of (1) validating their good looks and (2) being told that average moi just couldn’t understand what they were going through. So, a lot was going into feeding those egos, while at the same time kind of putting me down in a backhanded way?
I think it’s a form of narcissism combined with arrested development. One woman I’m acquainted with is in her early 40’s, but from her conversation you’d think she was in high school. She focuses on how people are dressed and who they’re dating to the exclusion of all else but shopping.
She has been known to complain that women (especially women at work) don’t like her; however, she also told me that she doesn’t like very many people. She told me she liked me because she likes the way I dress, so probably the women at work aren’t up to her standards. This is a woman who flirts a lot and takes it way over the top.
She thinks that women are jealous because she’s more attractive, but she doesn’t have much depth and is very clingy as a friend.
I have seen this jealousy/bitchy thing in many forms.
I have never been a great beauty, and my self-esteem in regards to my appearance have always been nonexistent, so it never has occurred to me to “compete” with pretty women, or to be considered “competition” to them.
But sometimes, I guess I must be competition, even though I wasn’t thinking about it that way. I remember losing a rather nice friendship with a girl because she thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend. I wasn’t—I wasn’t even attracted to him in the least. But I was friendly to him, because I thought my innate ugliness was “protection” against such problems. But the thing was (looking back I see this), I probably wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was. And, some women are paranoid.
I also notice a jealousy and pettiness amongst women for other reasons. It isn’t just about beauty. Some women are pissed off and jealous by people (especially other women) who have more in their lives. Another coworker and I both have our own little hopes and dreams, and we still are enthusiastic about things and look forward to things. And this pisses off the Bitter Old Gossipy Bitch Contingent at work. Because if you have more in your life than work and gossip, if you still have hopes and dreams, then you have a lot of nerve and they don’t like you.
Recently I was walking through a large shopping mall behind a very attractive woman. I was amazed by the number of hidden dirty looks she received from other women. I presume she was a stranger to them.
I recall one of the women I work with remarking that she didn’t know why Nicole Kidman was so popular since she is really ugly. Yeah right, not I don’t like her…she’s ugly.
There ARE women who are bitterly jealous of other women who they perceive “better” in some way - that might be looks, education, job, kids, husband, whatever - and they can be quite vicious and nasty. The social infighting among women can be brutal. Men usually aren’t directly exposed to it, but that who have been can testify it’s nastier than what guys dish out to each other.
You can have to consider the situation. Yes, the OP woman might be a drama queen - or she might be the victim of jealousy.
Part of the problem might also be that the ‘don’t hate me because i’m beautiful’ crowd is quite often very manipulative with men, and will often use their looks to get their own way (re: the thread about women that prefer to hang out with guys). So, a good part of this is disgust with the women that do this, as well as with the men that allow it. Plus, there is also a good dose of jealousy that they are not as adept at it themselves.
Hmm, I’m not normally considered beautiful, am I the only woman who’s ever had something like this happen?
Friend and I try on the same clothing at a store, friend says something like “That makes you look so stylish(skinny/curvy/other trait she thinks is good that she doesn’t posess). I hate you”.
Or as I’m eating something “unhealthy” like chips at a party (aside: the only place I ndulge my salt craving anymore, I’m starting to value my health too much) a woman who earlier mentioned wanting to lose weight (whether she needs to or not) says “I hate you, you can eat whatever you want”
Not that I think these women really hate me, but there is a real bitterness in in those comments. I don’t know why.
Agreed. I’ve been on the receiving end of and have overheard some of what chm is talking about. Saying “I hate you” is overdramatic and nasty under any circumstances.
I know people don’t mean it in the way they hate a murderer or whatever, but it is uncomfortable and, again, nasty.
I’ve been spouting off about this book left and right, but I guess one more time can’t hurt.
I’ve recently purchased and read Woman’s Inhumanity To Woman by Phyllis Chesler. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in this sort of topic.
But to sum up my opinion, yes, some women are disliked because of their beauty. But others because of their professional competence, interpersonal relationships or social status. There’s a long history of same-sex aggression.
I’m not trying to bash my girls, I’m just sayin’ that cruelty between women can and does certainly exist.
Being an overly attractive gay male, I know this subject quite well. I often project that other gay men are jealous of me because I’m so amazing, and I come to this conclusion because I’m very used to being admired. So when I’m not, for some strange, elusive reason, I am rightly perplexed. And without my usual dose of external affirmation regarding my looks, I become defensive and insecure. Thus, I get bitchy and blame it on others.
Well, I’ll say this – I’m fairly physically attractive, and I always had more male friends than female friends. The reason? Girls were catty b*tches. Until I went to college, I never found one female friend who wasn’t either:
a) talking about me behind my back;
b) lying to me;
c) plotting to get her hands on my man
or all three. Fortunately, I found lots of great galpals in college, al of whom are very confident UberBabes in their own right who don’t have to treat me bad to make themselves feel good. Also, unlike a lot of straight chicks, I don’t have many gay male friends – my buddies are largely bisexual chicks. Psychoanalyze that, whydontcha.
This cattiness and competition between women has always made me very sad, as I love being around other girls and really adore the female friends I do have. I’m a wholehearted friend – once I connect with someone, I’ll walk barefooted into Hell beside them if they asked me to. I could never imagine treating another woman the way my so-called “friends” treated me. I find it deeply, deeply sad that women allow their insecurities and competitiveness to get in the way of what might’ve been a rewarding friendship.
I think that it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. The very few people I’ve known who claim to be hated for their looks, brains, careers, whatever were also major assholes. They were conceited, arrogant, shallow, and frequently insulting to others. So yes, everyone hated them, but it had nothing to do with their looks or brains or jobs, just their bad attitudes.
However, I have no problem believing that some people are jealous and thus mean to those who are more attractive.
Ever notice when 2 women are talking to each other, they have the “polite smile” plastered on their made-up faces? It’s anxiety & concern. Women don’t dress up for men, they dress for other women.
Normal, real men do not care or notice that you’re wearing the latest style. Women do because they have a strong desire to be like other women. If you’re exceptional in any way or stand out, you’re not like them; Too pretty, smart, skinny etc…
Something I’ve noticed recently, women with similar appearances hang out with each other. Women that consider themselves pretty are together, heavy women, skinny women etc.
There is a real, unspoken competition between women & it’s a learned behavior.
In high school these days, the girls are painfully mean to each other–Having no real problems, they have to invent them.
Inventing drama.
After all, you don’t get attention by telling people everything is just fine. Tell them you’re being victimized and watch the people gather around.
I’ve read this thread with interest, because I’ve known women who have said that other women don’t like them because they’re too attractive. To their credit, they were attractive, but they were also pretty stuck on themselves. I mean, I admit that I envy others’ physical beauty, but I envy lots of stuff – cute shoes, singing ability, spitting distance. Doesn’t mean I can’t like the person, though.
I’ve always thought that if someone seemed to dislike me, it was because they didn’t like my personality. Huh. Now I know that it’s because I’m GORGEOUS! Women can’t stand to be around me not because I’m ascerbic and frosty, it’s because I’m BEAUTIFUL and they are jealous of my picturesque ass. What a relief!
I’m a reasonably attractive girl. People find me “cute.” I used to feel threatened (a little) by very attractive women. Not so much that I’d push them off a boat, but I’d have a secret internel twinge of jealousy.
I used to have no female friends. I just thought that other girls didn’t “get me.” I wasn’t heavily into clothes or makeup. Then I went to a dopefest. Found women who “got me.” Neither of them are ugly, let me say that. I don’t think it was a matter of looks at all, I think it was totally a matter of intellect.
I met a woman once who I really hated. She thought she was very pretty. She was involved in a women in computing group. She constantly complained about men hitting on her. She’d whine about how much of a burden it was being so pretty and so smart. I just wanted to smack her attention whoring ass.
I think what women (and men) object to are people who think because they’re more attractive, that automatically means they’re better than everyone else.
Strangly enough, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve lost that jealousy reaction. I don’t know if it’s been conditioned out of me, or maybe I feel better about my intellect or my abilities? I have no idea really.
I definitely understand what most of you are saying about people disliking others for personality reasons, and then the other people conceitedly misinterpreting that as jealousy. When people like that rant about how everyone is jealous of them, I don’t listen to them – but in cases like mine I really don’t think I did anything to warrant negative attention (I never spread rumors and was generally nice to everyone, not to mention never having spoken to any of these girls). Girls are a catty breed. It’s like Tori Amos said (paraphrasing), “The things girls do to each other is worse than Chinese torture.”
I don’t complain constantly about this problem, so I am not being what some may consider conceited or “full of myself.” But because of a few not-so-pretty confrontations with women who think I am treading on their turf by having a conversation with a guy they happen to “like,” I have trained myself not to be too friendly with guys for fear of having my ass kicked.
Just recently, in fact, I managed to alienate a woman who is one-half of a really cool couple that I know by having a conversation with her boyfriend about the resale value of my car. I guess you never know who is going to turn into a possessive, insecure freak.
So…in my case, I believe that the problem has very little to do with drama and very much to do with reality.
