Why Do Kids Do This?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a three-year-old daughter. She’s bright, beautiful, healthy, happy, and I am darn lucky to have her, but…boy, is she ever three. She is three extreme. And she likes it.

She has her little temper tantrums & stuff, and gets loud & demanding, when she’s at home. This evening, though, she wasn’t home. My stepson’s mother (I’m really starting to like this woman) offered to take her and my 5-month-old son to visit with their big brother & his other sisters for a while. Okay by me. My kids love her kids. They do spend a lot of time together, but it’s usually here, at our house.

So, she takes my kids for a few hours. They went to the store, and she took them to the other kids’ school for a charity function that was going on this evening. When she brought them home, she told me exactly what I expected to hear–the baby was cuter than cute, didn’t fuss at all, and everyone loved him. And my daughter was an absolute angel, behaved perfectly, and charmed the socks off of everyone she encountered.

Don’t get me wrong–I’m not complaining about my daughter being good in public. I guess I just don’t understand why she can’t–no, won’t–be that good at home. I’m also certain that somewhere in Genesis, some parent, probably Adam and Eve, asked the same question. And parents will continue to ask it, forever and ever and ever and ever. But I still wonder. I’ve heard that it’s “testing,” like they’re trying to see just how much they can get away with, then they don’t cross that line out in public.

I think they just do it for kicks. Anyone know for sure?

This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here.

2

When children are uncomfortable they often behave much better than usual. It’s actually a sign of trust that your daughter will let herself be herself around you.

I saw the same sort of thing with my son until he was 8-11.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away”. - Phillip K. Dick

3

I don’t know anything for sure.

I think kids act out like this because at home they are dealing with their frustrations and fears and all the little subconscious demons that roll around in their heads. When they are out, there’s so much exciting stuff going on that those frustrations and fears are set aside.

Also, a small whimper may be the red flag that begins a temper tantrum to you, so all it takes is a small whimper to set your teeth on edge. For an “outsider”, the whimper is nothing but a whimper, so the tension level doesn’t skyrocket as easily.

It gets better. And how lucky you are to have such a fabulous…er…step…uh…whatever.

4

Does it get better?
My 11 year old stepson is becoming intolerable at home, but is usually charming and well-mannered when we’re at some sort of function (wedding dinner for example). At home, he seems to seek out negative attention and purposely sabotage himself when he’s getting praise.
My 17-month old, though is pretty good all the time and is quite the show-off around strangers.

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5

What I don’t understand is why we can’t remember back to when we were kids. Then we’d understand why kids act the way they do, from our own experience.

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6

what are you talking about?
I remember when I was a kid.
I was always perfect. :wink:

7

what are you talking about?
I remember when I was a kid.
I was always perfect. :wink:

8

I think all kids are looking for attention.
Some get it by knowing mom/dad will praise them for being good.
Some want more and find that they get more attention (strictest sense of the word)by being bad.

9

My dad did something that my mother never forgave him for. He told my little brother that if he’d cry, he’d get anything he wanted.

He cried until he was 12.

Thanks dad.

If you want to have cities, you’ve got to build roads.

10

My son, how just turned 3, is much the same: frequently challenging to deal with when with me or my wife, but usually on his best behavior when in the care of someone else (which isn’t all that often). I think Single Dad is right that it has a lot to do with trust. Kids that age are always testing limits, finding out what they can and can’t do, what actions bring what reactions. They do this with their parents primarily, particularly if the parents have established that they will rein in the child when they cross into unacceptable or dangerous behavior. With other people, kids don’t necessarily trust that they will be checked when they veer into dangerous territory, so they’re much less likely to stray from well known acceptable behavior.

Certainly it’s possible that some of the motivation for untoward behavior is a desire for attention from parents who’ve grown accustomed to their child’s usual behavior, but I think this is much less of a factor than is frequently assumed – at least in my son’s case there’s doesn’t seem to be much correlation between amount of attention paid to him and the acceptability of his behavior. Just this morning, while only he and I were up, and I was sitting with him in the living room doing nothing other than talking with him, he pulled a couple of stunts that he must have known I wouldn’t like and then looked at me enquiringly, asking “Are you mad?”. He already had my attention, what he was after was to find out what the result of his doing something I didn’t like would be.

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common.” –Satchel Paige

11

Let’s also not forget that kids are more coniving than we think. While Mom or Dad may let them get away with some things at home, acting up in public or when they are with someone else, is grounds for immediate punishment. I was involved with a woman with a 3 year old boy. He knew without a doubt, that when we were out in public, he had to be on his absolute best behavior, while at home, we’d let some things slide.

12

From a psychological standpoint, it’s completely healthy, and actually, a GOOD thing.

Children go through a number of acts of distancing themselves from their parents. The first (and far more important then most parents think) is learning to walk. This is when the kid shows that it is ready to be an independant human, instead of a dependant baby. So rushing a child to walk can have severe repurcussions (the first lesson the kid learns is that it too dependant on its parents, and they want it to be indepenant and less of a bother ASAP.)

Along those lines, temper tantrums are a kid’s way of demonstrating to the parents that the child has its own feelings, thoughts and most importantly, will. It’s also the first time a child learns the concept of “authority.” Billy wants a truck. Billy’s mom says “No, you have three at home.” Billy hears: “What you WANT isn’t important. I am bigger. I am stronger. You aren’t getting that truck.” Billy thows a hissy fit. And buying Billy the truck teaches him that HE is the authority figure. Not a good thing.

So why does your daughter flip out at home and acts wonderfully with other people? Because she sees her parents as the authority figures. She has a clearly defined parent/child relationship with you. If she WAS acting out with other people (not babysitters or other familiar authority figures) it could be an indication that she was not recieving the security of having an authority figure.

End result: don’t worry, you’re a good mom.

13

Cristi, its very simple really. Kids [adults, too] do that because they know how you are going to behave but they don’t know how those other people are going to behave when she’s nasty.

14

I called my mom & asked her what she thought. My mother, whom I love so dearly, laughed at me. Laughed at me! Then she said “Well, what did you expect? She’s yours.”

She did follow it up with nearly everything that you guys said, and tried very hard to get me to believe that I was the same way. I was not, of course, but I know she had to try. :wink:

This space blank, until Wally thinks up something cool to put here.