I’ll give an answer that is honest but probably rather unpopular.
I always wanted to be a wife and mother. My family if anything discouraged that and pushed me towards a high powered career, but really I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. When I was 26 I was a bit worried, I had an okay job that paid enough, but it was not what I wanted, and I’d had several boyfriends but none were the marrying kind.
Then I met a man who I liked, but didn’t love. He was a basically good fellow, kind, a good job, and he wanted to marry and have a family. I knew I didn’t love him and he very often annoyed me, but here was a chance to realize my dream. We married, had kids, and I became a stay-at-home mom (although now my kids are older and I work part time). Although my relationship with my husband isn’t great, the rest of my life is. I love my children, I love my free time, I love my home and neighborhood.
Health insurance. I could name three people right now who would be out the door and/or divorced but their medical coverage is through their spouses employer.
This reminded me of something a parent educator once said at a seminar I attended. She said that you shouldn’t constantly harp on your kid to be happy because they would perceive anything other than happy as wrong. In other words, happy isn’t the end-all, be-all. Everyone has crappy days. Everyone has periods of time when they feel blah, bored, uninspired, a little aimless, frustrated, mad or even resentful.
Same goes for a relationship. If you go into it feeling that you should be happy all the time, it won’t last long because you won’t know what to do when everyone’s not deliriously joyful. The minute you hit a snag (for me, the vast majority of my marriage’s snags have been related to kids), you’ll think that the situation is all wrong, so you’ll end the situation.
I’m not saying that you should just accept any unhappy relationship. There are many, many relationships that are truly toxic or just not worth having for whatever reason. However, if you go into a marriage or other long-term relationship assuming that something is wrong if you’re not always satisfied and happy, you’re almost doomed from the start.
Yes, you should be positive and, in many circumstances, that will contribute to the health of the relationship. But also understand that there will be times you’ll have to work really hard to keep your marriage together. I know I harp on kids a lot, but I have to tell you that, for me and my husband, having children has been the single toughest thing on our marriage. We agree on all the big stuff, and we thought that’d make things smooth sailing. But damned if it isn’t the day to day stuff that is really the problem. So we work through it, even when we don’t feel like it, even when we know we’ve been through the same issues again and again (and even when we know they’ll pop up all over again down the road).
And though most of our arguments are related to our kids, the fact that we keep working on our relationship has nothing to do with them. If it wasn’t the kids, it’d probably be something else because part of living together entails dealing with things that are often really irritating. Instead, we do it because we love each other and value our relationship enough to keep at it and make it stronger with each little roadblock. Even when our relationship is work, it’s worth it.
I came into this thread assuming the OP was a parody of the advice often given here. Sometimes it seems like, if you have any problem in a relationship, at least one person here will say you need to break up.
But, no, this guy is serious. I guess it’s great he found another person who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but themselves, and they’ve made a go of it, but that isn’t how life works for the other 99.99999997% of the world.
Thank you for the mature response. I was getting worried that too many people lived their lives like the OP in some delirious belief that you quit and leave everything and anything that doesn’t make you happy, almost like a small child. Frightening. Grown up realities require a bit more perseverence than simply quitting because your happy button isn’t pressed down 24/7.
Many of the responses here reflect people’s point in their life. If you’re young and single, and lookin’ around…yeah, avoid anything negative and keep looking for the best fit. But all anyone can ever HOPE for is a BEST fit…not a perfect one. If your relationship spans decades, sure as shootin’ one or the both of you will change. Hopefully together, but if not, then you may have to put up with a little rain on your sunshine.
The thing about Marriage is: It’s kinda difficult to get out of for a reason. Spouse stubbed her toe? I’m OUTTAHERE! Uh…for richer and poorer, sickness and health, for better and worse. People go through rough patches and the stickiness of marriage allows a relationship time to get through some of that.
Other people my disagree, but having a (healthy) Nuclear Family is GOOD for raising kids. Two parents tend to create a balance and moderating environment for the kids. I know that, if my kids were with just me, or my wife, that the experience wouldn’t be near so good for them. CAN a single parent raise children? Yes. IS an environment with two parents in the same house, all things considered, a better environment? Absolutely.
I have a wonderful marriage with my wife. I get sex about 25% as much as I’d like. Is it worth ending the marriage, dissolving everything we’ve built together, and throwing the kid’s needs to the wind?
My wife’s best friend went through a lot of time looking for the perfect man. She dated a rich guy with a Rolls for a long time, until she wanted some commitment and promptly got dumped. During this time she was a bit scornful of my wife for having married imperfect old me. Finally, at 45, she woke up and married a school teacher - a really nice guy but nowhere near her perfect standards. She seems happy now, but passed up the opportunity to have kids. She also no longer gives my wife marriage advice. She could have married a guy just like her husband decades before - enough nice guys were chasing her, but none of them were perfect enough.
The important thing to look at too is the distinction between “Happiness” and “not being miserable”
I didn’t end my relationship. That choice was taken out of my hands by my husband’s admission that he just didn’t love or desire me any more, and that he was falling for someone else (this happened late last year). If you had’ve asked me before he told me that it was over, I would have said I was happy.
I wasn’t happy. I just wasn’t miserable. I wasn’t anything, and that’s the devestating thing to realise. The necessity of my relationship was such that I had to suppress ALL of my emotions just to get by. It’s only in the last 2 weeks that I’ve gotten to a point where I can feel things again, and I’ve realised how long I was sitting in the middle, in a kind of numb acceptance, and how much hurt that has caused me. I’ve lost most of my 20s to it.
It’s perfectly fine not to be happy all the time. I certainly haven’t been, even in the last two weeks. But even the sadness and the hurt and the fear has been good, because I’ve been feeling things again. And if my hand hadn’t been forced by my ex, I probably would still be sat in that situation, not feeling happy or sad. Just being.
It seems that some people think that a shitty relationship and an imperfect one are equivalent. Not at all.
I doubt anyone not on drugs 24/7 is happy all the time. I’m high on the optimism scale, and I’m not. But with age you learn that with a good relationship the rough spot will be passed. Plus, you can’t expect a partner to do things to make you happy unless you do things to make her happy. You stand by her during post-partum depression, and she’ll stand by you when you get overly stressed at work. People unwilling to compromise should expect to get dumped or cheated on. And to be lonely when they are no longer perfect themselves.
I wish this were a bit more socially acceptable (again, assuming he knows how you feel and is okay with it). I’d like to have children someday and I’m kind of worried about running out of time to find the right person. It seems like having a marriage of convenience would be easier than trying to parent alone.
There is not a goddamn thing wrong with what you doing. People will claim ottherwise, but those who do so to your face are busybodies and ninnies and may be responded to with a firm shut your yap, butthead, it’s none of your freaking business!
You and your husband were honest with one another. Romantic love is a great thing, but it’s not the only possible basis for a marriage, despite the American myth otherwise.
Stop reading more carefully than I do. It’s annoying.
You’re right. I took Palo Verde to mean that her husband knew she didn’t love him, but she didn’t quite say that; she said she was undeceived about her own motivations, which is not the same thing.
Fricking Californians with their competent reading skills.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with a marriage of convenience, as long as both parties have respect for each other, and there is no deception (which kinda goes along with respect - it is difficult to respect someone you are deceiving, or be worthy of respect if you are a deceiver).
Having all of romantic love, sexual fulfillment, material comforts, fulfilling life goals (such as kids) and respect is ideal in a relationship; the only non-negotiable minimum requirement, I think, is the last one - respect. Without that, the relationship isn’t really worth preserving.
I have a friend of mine who is entering what I consider a marriage of convenience, to a very wealthy man - a trust fund baby. I understand her reasons, but I think she is making a big mistake - though to outwards appearances the marriage is great, in that the fellow is young, good looking, and wealthy, neither of them respect the other at all.
I would wager any amount that this (kind of marriage) is far, far more common than anyone can imagine, and there is nothing wrong with it. (Not only can I relate somewhat, but I also know two couples, where the husband is gay, who married on-the-same-page female friends to have that home and family.) Throw in health and dental benefits, and you are as well off in life as you will ever be!
Bolding mine. You’re quoting me, so I’m assuming you’re reading my posts. I stressed repeatedly that it’s not a once-off fair-weather thing. I’ll re-quote myself for you because you’re clearly skipping over that stuff:
[QUOTE=Me, repeatedly]
So if she guilt-trips me on it, I’ll warn her, and if she does it again I’ll warn her again, but if she keeps doing it then fuck it
If she does it repeatedly, then yes, it’s constantly making me unhappy.
There’s that instantaneously thing again. I’ve even quoted myself saying it’s not instantaneous. She gets a few chances but if she doesn’t get with it, then no I’m not going to stick around. If I gained 400lbs and decided I wanted to eat chicken wings all day and let my ear hair grow out, I wouldn’t blame her for leaving me either.
Like I say, I give chances, but it’s an adamant rule under those chances.
[/QUOTE]
Like I said, it’s not about them having to make me happy, it’s about them not making me UNhappy. There is a difference. Like the difference between her skipping work to give me a blowjob and kicking me in the nuts. There is a middle ground here where she’s just a good partner.
I’m sorry you can’t connect with people unless you hold secret resentments and start arguments with them. I choose to get along with others and connect that way. They’re free to do what they want, and I’m free to leave if it’s not what I want. If you wanted kids and your significant other didn’t, would you stay with them? You’ll either end up with kids and your SO will be unhappy or you’ll have no kids and you’ll be unhappy…why not say “That’s cool, good luck with that” and find someone who wants kids?
You can doubt all you want, it doesn’t change the reality. I’m sorry you apparently have no reference experience of being in or seeing a happy relationship that goes smoothly. I’ve seen relationships that work smoothly (my parents were married for 40+ years and got along swimmingly), and I’m currently in one. It’s entirely possible, and worth looking for.
Cool. I find it difficult to imagine having a butler who brings me steak & eggs in the morning in a giant mansion. But just because that’s not my experience doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Agreed. And there’s lots of room between “dedicating their every moment in life to making you happy” and “being a miserable depressed downer who eats away at your soul”.
Oh, I get it. You missed where I wrote:
[QUOTE=Me, again, please read my posts instead of making up arguments to shit I’m not saying]
My friendships and romantic life are great. We even disagree on things, holy shit!! My friends have actually told me I’m WRONG before, OMG!!!11111 These aren’t epic things and they aren’t worth fussing over. Having standards is about not accepting legitimately bad behavior in your relationships. Quit exaggerating so much, jeeze.
[/QUOTE]
If it’s a result of us having a kid, I’d stick around because hey, we have a kid together, I can give a year to that. But if 2 or 3 years in she’s still super depressed and making no effort to seek counselling or pull herself out of it and is rejecting any help from me, it’s probably not the healthiest environment for either me or my kid to be in. From what Wikipedia says it sounds like most of the risk-factors for predicting PPD are things that would rule out a long term relationship with the girl from the start for me. Low self esteem, cigarette smoking, a history of depression, life stress, low social support, low socioeconomic status…if I end up getting a chick like THAT pregnant, fuck me runnin’ I’ve made some mistakes haha
Entirely true. I have those days, and so does my girlfriend. The difference is some people will let those days cripple them and they’ll spend days, weeks, months, or years wallowing in misery and sadness. And some people will go “Okay, that sucked, but today’s a new day, let’s try to look on the bright side of things”. It’s the difference between someone who loses a family member and goes on a drinking binge for 3 years and lets their life go to shit VS someone who loses a family member and is sad about it but bucks up and manages to keep their life together despite the tragedy. I don’t want the former in my life, but bring on the latter.
Working together is all good. It’s when they don’t make an effort that it’s a problem. If my wife gains 100lbs after we’re married and she starts hitting the gym every day and eating healthy, awesome, I’ll stick it out. If she gains 100lbs after we’re married and sits around on the couch eating ice cream and doesn’t want to work out…well, that’s a problem for me.
To relate it back to my working late example, if she knows my work is important to me and she says “okay babe I’ll see you Sunday instead of tonight good luck with your work”, awesome, I’ll make it up to her on Sunday. But if she knows it’s important to me and says “Well I WANT to see you, why is work more important than ME, if you don’t come over tonight then you clearly don’t love me blah blah blah (drama)”, well, that’s a problem for me. And if I leave her place messy and she tells me she likes a clean apartment and I say “okay babe, cool” and I help her keep it clean, awesome. If I say “so? That’s dumb, it’s just a bed, whatever” and leave things messy, well, that would be a problem for her…she’s not a shallow deluded fool who bails the first second her partner isn’t pushing her happy button, and I’m not her slave "obey"ing her for washing the dishes. We’re two adults who maturely respect eachother’s rules.
Agreed. That’s why I respect her rules in exchange for her respecting mine. Do I want to do the dishes and make the bed before I leave her apartment? Is my bed at home made right now? Fuck no. But I know she’ll appreciate it and I know she likes having a clean place, so I do it because I respect what she thinks is important. There’s plenty of compromise going on, if people would quit jumping on the “you make her your slave who has to obey your every trivial demand or you ditch her for getting cancer” exaggeration bandwagon.
Ya, count me in the fucking MINDBLOWN category that people are supporting Palo’s relationship if her husband DOESN’T know she just used him.
I think it’s all good as long as both partners know it’s a marriage of convenience (like the gay guy and the on-the-same-page chick, good on the two of them for being honest about it and it’s awesome if they can make it work), but if one side doesn’t that is 1) morally pretty shitty to me, and that’s coming from a PUA, and 2) it’s probably WAY more common than most people would think…thus the abundance of “married” chicks who are up for cheating when a guy comes along and flirts with her. I’d imagine those are the ones who take a sec to realize they should probably take off their wedding ring as they’re giving you a handjob.
She could have married a guy just like her husband decades before - enough nice guys were chasing her, but none of them were perfect enough.