A marriage of convenience - assuming it to be an honest and consensual one - *is *a marriage with someone they’d be compatible with. Their needs from and contributions to the marriage are compatible.
Now, are they deliriously happy? Probably not. But being deliriously happy isn’t what everyone looks for in a long term relationship. Some people value friendship, stability, social acceptance and a partner in running a household and raising children over being deliriously happy. I’m not about to tell them they’re wrong, as long as they’re on the same page.
Why the rolleyes? I never said **you **shouldn’t value happiness, or that you shouldn’t seek out a partner who will give you all those benefits PLUS delirious happiness. In fact, I highly suggest it, it’s rather awesome. I just said that some people don’t put the same level of value on happiness as those other things, and that’s okay with me (as long as they don’t force me to marry them, I guess). Maybe I should have added that they’re willing to sacrifice a chance at delirious happiness in exchange for the surer bet of retaining their other benefits.
You don’t get the same level of social acceptance if you want children if you’re not married.
But isn’t “roommates” essentially what a marriage of convenience is, with the added benefits of stability and social acceptance?
But, okay, let’s go with just the added benefit of stability. Some people value stability over delirious happiness. That’s not wrong, it’s a different value system. It’s the same value system that gives rise to arranged marriages, except that marriages of convenience are entered into voluntarily and willingly when honest informed consent is present.
I stayed in an imperfect relationship because it was perfect in a lot of other ways. Relationships have ups and downs. Once we’d had more downs - or rather, a prolonged ‘meh’ period with no ups - we broke up. We’d started to actively make each other unhappy even though we trying for the opposite. That’s the point at which it’s no longer worth working at it.
Sometimes, also, I think that a relationship can look worse from the outside than it really is. Maybe they actually are happy - it just doesn’t look that way to you because the way their relationship works would be horrible for you. I mean, some people would be horribly depressed if their partner were out without them three evenings a week, but others would think that was the best way to be.
TWTTWN, your latter posts make sense to me, but the thing is, in them you’re not saying the same as you were earlier. You’re expecting people to read between the lines a hell of a lot. And you must know that using words like ‘rules’ is likely to get people’s backs up.
I think the problem is that you presented it as a “rule.” You didn’t present it originally with any nuance whatsoever. You said you’d “remind” her that that’s your rule if she complained, then leave if she wasn’t okay with that.
There’s no nuance there. You may acknowledge that it exists, but it’s not obvious at all from this statement.
To avoid further hijacking, I think momentum is a big reason people stay in relationships that aren’t working for them. It’s scary to put yourself out there, especially after a long time away from the dating scene, and as long as your partner isn’t bad enough to make you actively unhappy, I could see where a lot of people think the risk of being alone forever is worse than being with a so-so partner. Also, I’m sure plenty of people, especially those with strong social networks apart from their primary partner, find it easy to get the emotional support they need elsewhere, so they don’t feel the lack of it in their partnership so acutely.
People change through time. You are not the same person at 30 that you were at 20. When you are 40 you can barely recognize yourself at 20. Then 50 and 60 lie ahead. Your partner is also changing. Will your partner change like you do? Will he or she turn conservative? Will she develop a drinking or drug problem? Will you feel the same when she packs on an extra 100 pounds? Will she feel the same if you get fat and lazy? Will you or she develop a long term long term illness. Can you handle taking care of him when he has Alzheimers?
You do not know until it happens. But if you still love you can work through it. But that should not be confused with being happy.
What I have found is that people who are that optimistic are either full of shit, have no real “bad times” or are total narcissists. I’m not talking about “drama queens”. I’m talking about real people who encounter real problems. You’re what - 27 and single? The biggest problem most people your age and relationship status have is “where am I going out partying tonight?” Anyone with a real problem - job loss, financial crisis, illness, death of a loved one, or just plain ole had a shitty day - would probably be too much of a “bummer” for you to hang with.
I think you are pretty arrogant to presume to tell me (or anyone) I should “meet more people”.
Oh I get what you’re saying. But I also think the all around high quality people you are talking about are very rare.
And if that person is so awesome, how come they aren’t already in an awesome relationship with someone equally awesome?
I don’t like dragging out my dirt in general, but since you’re being condescending: I took care of my mom as she slowly died from cancer for 2 years when I was 20. I was fired from my job 2 years ago and had to sell all my belongings and move away from the life I spent most of my young adult-hood building up. The friend of one of my good buddies (my buddy is one of the most carefree happy-go-lucky guys you’ll ever meet) just died in a car accident a month ago and I held my buddy while he cried drunkely on his kitchen floor at 4am.
I know what real problems are. That’s why people who get upset over silly things like my having to cancel a non-important date to take care of something business related, or piss 'n moan that their partner doesn’t do an equal amount of the housework that they do, or get jealous over incidents that aren’t actually happening (like a spouse accusing their partner of cheating because they’re insecure/suspicious of them), etc. are just ridiculous to me and I don’t have time for that in my life.
The difference between myself, my buddy who lost his friend, etc. and negative people? We acknowledge that life can suck, but we don’t let it cripple us. We get back up and focus on the bright side of life because our tragedies give us an appreciation the good things life has instead of ignoring them like people with a negative outlook do. My mom’s death gave me an appreciation for life and reminded me not to waste it. Being fired gave me the chance to start my own business. My buddy’s friend dying strengthened our friendship as I helped him through it.
Don’t tell me I don’t know what real problems are just because I’m young.
I think everyone should meet more people. The more different types of personalities and backgrounds you run into, the more understanding you are of other people’s situations and outlooks. And the more you learn about yourself and what you do and don’t like in relationships with other people…like what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship with a romantic partner.
Yes. They are. They’re very VERY rare. That’s part of why they’re high quality. That’s why lots of people settle for shitty relationships. But just because these people are rare doesn’t mean it’s not worth looking for them. There’s no race to get to the finish line in life. Enjoy the world around you, appreciate the time you get with the people you encounter, and look for someone who’s world jives with your world so you can live in delerious happiness instead of mundane content.
Because these people are rare and a lot of them are raised with the same “you better have 2 kids and a white pickett fence by the time you’re 30 or you’re a failure” mentality the rest of society has been raised with so they settle.
It’s really not difficult to be happy when you understand what’s worth being upset about.
If you don’t want to be treated in a condescending manner, I suggest you not be so quick to discount other people’s experiences and opinions. What apparently works for you does not necessarily work for all people.
I would mostly agree with your philosophy. I see a ton of people on this board and IRL who obsess over some bullshit that happened in their past. And it basically colors their whole view on life. I can’t see getting that worked up for decades over people who in the long run really don’t matter.
I only discount the opinions that aren’t based in experience. If you tell me there are no legitimately happy people and I’ve met legitimately happy people, your opinion is wrong and you don’t have the experience to make the call that they don’t exist. If I had never met legitimately happy people and then tell you they exist, my opinion wouldn’t be based in experience and you’d be right in discounting it as wrong.
That’s why I say I’m sorry if someone hasn’t met these types of people, I legitimately feel bad for them and feel they should meet more people so that they can one day see how limited their world view is.
My parents had a very happy and loving marriage, as did my friends parents. None of my friends had parents who divorced. As a result I have very positive reference experience that deliriously happy relationships are possible and awesome and worth looking for. Someone who’s reference experience involved only divorced parents and broken abusive relationships will think happy relationships don’t exist, but that’s opinion based on a lack of experience of happy relationships, and is thus logically discountable.
I agree fully with the last paragraph of your post. I LIKED the Happy Thoughs forum haha
I think the problem here is that, no matter who is questioning you, at the end you always rely on the same response, which essentially amounts to (in paraphrase) ‘I guess you just can’t handle how wonderful I am, and how amazing my relationship is’. And then, you lament how you are being misunderstood, and wonder why everyone is acting so hostile.
This lack of insight into the basics of human interaction isn’t exactly given us confidence that you are objectively accurate in your self-assessment. I have no doubt this relentless self-boosterism works wonders in creating alpha-male cred on the dating scene, but you appears woefully out of your depth when discussing long-term relationships.
But to return to the point: to most people, the world is not divided so starkly between crappy darma-queens and the beautiful people. Into everyone’s life a little rain must fall. You may not, of course, observe this in a series of short-term relationships.
That seems to be the case. A thousand different people can tell me a certain personality-type doesn’t exist, but if I’ve met them, then my response to those thousand different people will always be the same: they’re wrong. If you tell me it never snows in the desert and I’m in the desert and it’s snowing, there’s no reason for me to ignore my experience for your more popular opinion because I’m not the one making an unprovable claim.
haha well I know why everyone is acting hostile. I’m just pointing out that there’s no reason to be. Do these same people meet someone in real life who says “chocolate ice cream is gross” when they love chocolate ice cream, and just punch them in the face? Like, relax people.
Consider it more an attempt at getting the people insulting me to ask themselves why their default reaction is so hostile and negative.
Why? As established by in this thread by my actual posts, my view is: I look for someone who has compatible views with mine and while I don’t expect things to be perfect 24/7 (like people in this thread are pretending I’ve said), I have lines that if the person repeatedly crosses after I give them warnings about crossing them, I’ll end the relationship because they clearly don’t respect me enough to care about things that are important to me.
What part of that view is any more unrealistic in a long-term relationship than someone who says “if you keep hitting me, I’m going to leave” or “if you don’t want kids and I do, I’m going to leave”?
I’ve said repeatedly that I don’t expect the other person to be a perfect flawless human being who never has any problems. You’re doing that exact “misunderstanding me” thing I was talking about earlier.
Like I say, if you’re going to think I’m a douche, think it because of things I’ve actually written or actually believe instead of the things you stereotype me with (like implying I haven’t acknowledged that rain falls in everyone’s life when I have, over and over and over and over).
I just said that some people don’t put the same level of value on happiness as those other things, and that’s okay with me (as long as they don’t force me to marry them, I guess). Maybe I should have added that they’re willing to sacrifice a chance at delirious happiness in exchange for the surer bet of retaining their other benefits.