And beer. Sorry, guys.
But the opposite is true for citrus fruits, so load up on pineapple!
I know you probably didn’t actually mean it this way, but congratulations on hitting one of my hot buttons. Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend who followed your line of thinking.
He’d complain about quality of the oral sex he received. Constantly.
Not “complain” as in “suggest areas of improvement” in the “Wow, honey, that was great, but next time can we try X” sense. Complain as in “you’re not very good at this” full stop. And then, when asked how one might improve, he consistently failed to provide any feedback at all. When asked specific questions, the answer would inevitably be “I don’t know”. “What would you like me to do differently” “I don’t know” “More hands?” “I don’t know” “Less hands?” “I don’t know” “Different hands?” “I don’t know” “More licking?” “I don’t know” “Circus midgets doing the samba and cheering us on” “I don’t know” etc. etc. etc. With each “I don’t know” spoken in the sullen, whiny tones of a thirteen year old who’s just been caught misbehaving and is being subjected to parental censure. I very carefully, and gently attempted to explain my position that if he wasn’t able to help me figure out what he liked, how did he expect me to improve? And that, by the way, this wasn’t doing my sexuality any favors, here. My explanation made no impression.
Then he had the pure, unadulterated chutzpah to whine when, after a year of this bullshit, he ceased to receive oral sex, or received it very, very grudgingly at infrequent intervals.
If all you have to say about being on the receiving end of a sex act (any sex act, actually) is to complain about it without even bothering to indicate what your partner might have done better, you don’t deserve the sex. So sorry.
In other news, I’m with NavaNivea and rinni about beer, onions and coffee. If you want your girl to swallow, making sure your fluids don’t taste like lukewarm, recycled, stale beer coffee or onions is probably a good call. Particularly if your girl doesn’t care for the flavor of those things first-hand and fresh.
This wouldn’t be the dope if someone didn’t come along to point out that pineapples are not citrus fruits. 
But the point is taken, and well taken. I’m coming (ha!) to the realisation that it’s really, as a lot of people have said upthread, about enthusiasm. It’s just sexy when someone wants to do that to you, and a big downer (hah!) when they’re sort of half-hearted and you have to ask. I think the description of a handjob-with-extras is an excellent one; my girlfriend and I are in the process of learning what we like (and the experimentation is fun as hell) and she did start out without hands at all, and it was less than satisfactory, shall we say. Things have improved quite a bit since, after much discussion and “how’s this? Uhhhhhhh… YES!”.
OTOH, if you (general “you”) get specific suggestions in a constructive way but still pointedly stop performing the act out of indignation that I could ever criticize something that ruins the entire experience for me, don’t be surprised when your ass gets dumped.
Sometimes the difference between a “meh” giver of head and an “oh my fucking GAWD” giver of head is the recipient! My SO was one of those guys who pretty much considered BJs as an annoyance and had never gotten off with just oral. Turns out that all the girls who’d tried were just too light handed and gentle with him, which just makes it tickle as far as he’s concerned. Me, I always had trouble going down on guys who like it gentle because I get into it and get enthusiastic and sometimes I bite a bit. Match made in heaven! He likes it rough, likes it when I bite and likes being really manhandled. It’s a penis stress test all the way, heh…
The way I manage the gag reflex is to check the curvature of his equipment and make sure I point the curve down the back of my throat–if the head hits the top of the throat, that’s where the gag gets going.
Hands are absolutely essential, and the best way to find out how he likes it is to get him to jerk himself off as you watch, then mimic his own style. If he really gets a grip on it and wrings it out like a wet towel he is not gonna like the feather style and vice versa.
One technique that works on a lot of guys and gives the old jaw a rest is to continue with the hands while treating the frenum (that wrinkly bit on the underside of the penis just under the head) exactly like a girl’s labia minora–just get in there and lick and nibble on it like there was a clit in there. This is usually best employed when the guy is already pretty into it because that’s some sensitive skin there and sometimes it can be overstimulated.
If you get good at it, try counterchanging the direction that hand and mouth are going, i.e., when the hand is going up the shaft, the mouth is coming down and vice versa. It’s not a beginner’s technique but it can have some pretty interesting effects between the skin of the penis being alternately bunched together then stretched tight.
And most importantly, enthusiasm, enthusiasm, enthusiasm! If you don’t dig it and can’t fake it, just don’t bother… Same goes for men and cunnilingus–everybody knows what “dammit, here I am again” oral feels like and it ain’t good!
SmartAleq, how you doin’?
Shoot, didn’t I just tell EVERYBODY how I’m doin’?
They’re sort of equally bitchy responses really - on the one hand, whining about something and then refusing to respond to requests on how it could be made better is just so sulky and childish. On the other, refusing to take advice on how to make an experience better (provided it was offered politely and respectfully and with consideration to the feelings of the person being offered advice - I never cease to be shocked at how many people don’t bother with being polite and respectful when offering advice) and then getting snippy about it is bitchy, too.
I’ll admit I’m having a really difficult time not bristling at this post, though. The ex I mentioned before apparently honestly thought his bare comment “you’re no good at this” was a specific suggestion in a constructive way, and invested a whole lot of effort into making me feel guilty and generally like shit about the whole thing using almost exactly the same language you used above, and most definitely in the same tone. The tone that implies that my failure to read your (and I mean the generic “you”) mind during sex to know precisely how you like your sexing is precisely that - my failure. I’m not psychic, and expecting me to be psychic about your specific sexual preferences is unreasonable - framing “constructive criticism” in such a manner as to imply (even accidentally) that your partner’s inability to magically know exactly how you like to get your freak on is contemptible, really. A hell of a lot of people, when offering criticism they think is constructive frame it as blame towards the recipient of the advice (or they imply the blame) - which isn’t a fun place to be put in after what you thought was enjoyable sex. In my above example, my former lover quite obviously honestly thought he was being constructive and helpful. In truth, he wasn’t being either of those things - and he was *definitely * being tactless and screamingly frustrating for me along with unconstructive and unhelpful.
More people than I care to contemplate don’t seem to understand the concept of “constructive criticism” or when and how to go about it (not just in the arena of giving good oral sex). For example, (and this is a good time to stop reading if TMI bothers you - not that I think anyone like that is still in this thread :D) the moment immediately after you’ve come after half an hour of vigorous and enthusiastic oral sex, before your ladyfriend has even managed to swallow it all down and get herself into a more comfortable position (and before she’s had any of her own fun, if you see what I mean) is a piss-poor moment to say shit like “man, that could have been better”. And don’t even think this doesn’t happen. I know it happens. It’s happened to me - with more than one fella. If you’re (and I mean the generic “you”) doing this, then don’t be real surprised if the woman in question gets pissy. Similarly, complaining about your partner’s technique while failing to give specific examples and advice/instruction is worse than useless. Basically, the tendancy to say “you’re doing it wrong” without giving any actual, concrete information about how to do it right is what I was lamenting in my first post. Which I thought I was being fairly clear on - apparently not 
To be blunt, if you’re (generic you) one of the people who does this sort of crap, I don’t care if something is “ruining the entire experience for you”. It behooves you to develop a graceful, helpful and tactful way to discuss the subject. If you can’t be assed to do so, you won’t have to dump me - I’ll be gone already. Hell, chances are, if you’re the sort who can’t be assed to do so, you’ll never have gotten within 100 miles of seeing me naked - let alone engaging in any intimate acts with me. I try my best not to fuck the rude anymore. I learned my lesson.
Here’s a few more moves for your consideration:
You may have figured out that any moaning you do transmits to him as fabulous vibrations, as well as enthusiasm.
Run a trail of kissing and licking up and down the sides. After some of that, where you’re kissing over the top of him, surprise him by quickly taking him back into your mouth.
Take it out and rub it around on your cheek. Smile playfully and bop it against your cheek a few times.
Shift positions a bit, and squeeze it between your breasts. This might take some extra saliva to keep it from being a dry experience. If your breasts aren’t big enough to make that work, rub the head of him on your nipples. Also, when he’s in your mouth, you can use one arm to press your breasts against his balls.
If you have watched porn together, and he liked to see the spurting scene, pull off him at the right instant, to where he’s resting on your lower lip. He can see himself squirting (your hand keeps the rhythm going,) but you control the position so you don’t get it in your eyes and hair. Make a show of licking your lips when it’s over.
You can work out between the two of you whether he’d like to have his own juice dribbled and licked on his belly and pubic hair. Some men love to have a woman open her lips enough to have the semen and saliva flow back down the shaft.
I appreciate your reading of it, but keep in mind that my post is a year or so after a couple of bitter breakups with that person. At the time, it was more like, “Ouch, not the balls, please.” Not the most eloquent, I grant, but can you blame me under the circumstances? I certainly didn’t expect her to know not to suck on my balls, since it was the first time she’d given me head and it was actually rather unexpected. I definitely took all of that into account at the time and tried to be as constructive as possible. She just had an attitude of “Well, you should just be lucky I did it! If it’s not perfect for you, tough shit!”
I think you took my post as a rebuttal to yours. Which it wasn’t. Just a male perspective on a related issue. I enjoyed your post quite a bit and agreed with it wholeheartedly. I was just trying to have a lighthearted back-and-forth, but I guess I touched a nerve.
That’s my belief, too. They’re all good. Or maybe I’ve never had a truly bad one, even by novices.
From what I can tell - many women who claim to give great oral and enjoy it are lying. They don’t like it (which is the origin of the whole 'after marriage, no more BJ’s" joke). I know a lot of doper women really do like to, but its about 10/40/50 with my girlfriends - 10% like it, 40% like it sometimes, 50% don’t like it at all.
In their minds, why bother to get good at something that you don’t really enjoy and have no intention of doing long term? Besides, if you are good at it, he just asks for more. Since enjoying it is one of the critical criteria for being good at it…well, its sort of circular.
However, telling a guy you don’t like oral is perceived as about the same relationship ender as a guy telling you that his goal is to get married and have you both live with his mother. So during any dating stage, we keep this to ourselves.
Truth in advertising laws don’t apply to relationships.
See, now that’s bitchy. If your partner is trying to tell you something is fun, but could be improved - or just isn’t to their taste, then you should pay attention. On the other hand, Mr. “wow that could have been better” spent the remainder of his evening on the couch - and I will maintain to my dying day that’s where he belonged
And there’s nothing even marginally wrong with an interjection with important breaking news, so to speak 
I know 
I knew I was being a little… touchy. I hadn’t actually realized that that little experience had festered quite that way, you know? I knew you didn’t really mean it that way - but once I got started, I had to vent. To tell the truth, I almost didn’t post - but then it struck me that there might be a fella reading this (or a lady who had the same problem and wanted something to show their dearly beloved and say “you know this post right here, this is you! Stop it!”) who might be all like “Doh! That’s me! OMG I should quit that!” so I figured once I started I might as well finish.
I agree with the OP.
I had a cruise-ship tryst with a woman who claimed she was absolutely amazing at giving head. Honestly oral sex from her felt like shoving my penis in one of those industrial buffing machines. Combined with a few other experiences, it actually got me rather turned off to blowjobs altogether.
I very rarely orgasm from oral alone. My current g/f is probably the best so far but that has more to do with the fact that she is pretty dynamic in methodology, and if something doesn’t work well, she’ll try something different (tempo, body position, etc).
Definitely get creative with it if things aren’t going well. Sometimes the fact that I am feeling/experiencing it in a completely new kind of way is exciting. Recently my girlfriend gave me oral by sitting on my chest facing away from me. In that position, I couldn’t see what she was doing at all, and in a way the visual isolation was a big rush and let me concentrate on the sensation. It was very nice foreplay.
Sigh. The last time my wife gave me a BJ was around the time that Monica gave hers. She never liked doing it, even when we were dating, doesn’t like the taste, has an overactive gag reflex and feels that intercourse makes us feel closer. I think I’ll go off somewhere and weep for lost pleasures. At this point I’d settle for a bad, half-hearted, poorly performed BJ being done out of some sense of obligation.
I dated one girl who was unbelievable. Loved to do it any time, any place. Always swallowed, licking her lips and making yummy sounds. She tried doing it with Altoids, hot tea (switching with ice cubes), Pop Rocks (WOW!!!), whipped cream, chocolate syrup. She even tried a facial (her idea). She proudly told me she was a cum junky, had been since the first time she gave a BJ. She eventually dumped me for a football player. I hope he used steroids and his junk shriveled up.
slypork Sorry man, but that is the funniest thing I have read for awhile.
That reminds me of something I forgot in my little tips list posted earlier…
Champagne. Not a mouthful, but more than a sip. Tiny bubbles in the wine, make him happy, make him feel… well, tingly in unfamiliar places.
Never tried it with other carbonated drinks, because champagne seems so right for the occasion.
Pop Rocks, huh? Hmm…
honey hurts.
so I’ve heard.
I’m sort of suspicious of anyone who brags about being ‘great’ at anything, especially something so personal (if ever ‘different strokes’ was appropriate…). If your ladyfriend has a sweet tooth, get this. Unlike most edible oils, it actually tastes good. Really good. Just don’t get it near her genitals if she’s prone to UTIs or yeast infections.
I think the secret to being good at oral is the same secret to being good at sex in general. Know your audience, and have fun. It shouldn’t be all that difficult to figure out what your partner’s preferences are if you’re paying attention. Pay attention to his breathing, his movements, and his face. Look up every once in a while. *Ask * if it feels good. If he’s moaning and offering positive reinforcement, that’s great. If he’s unable to form words and his eyes are rolling back in his head, that’s better.
And of course it’s going to be better for him if you like it. I’m not going to say learn to like it for his sake, but it might be worth learning to like it for your own. Easier said than done, I realize, and certainly no one is obliged. But damn, it’s a lot of fun, IMO.