Why does my mind torment me? (long)

Disclaimer: This could possibly be a pit thread, or it could be IMHO. Then again, to the rest of the general public, I’m sure it’s mundane and I’m sure it’s pointless even to myself. And yet, I feel very compelled to share. And so, it will at least start here.

Now, the story. The setting: High school, my first year and a half. After going through the all-too-common story of depression and rejection (at least in my mind) of junior high, I’ve made it to high school. In my geometry class my freshman year, I met a girl, and to say the least, we hit it off. We dated basically all the way through that year, over that summer, and into my sophomore year (she was a year ahead of me, although that doesn’t have a lot of bearing on the story.) This is where it gets interesting (but there’s no sex in this story, so don’t get too excited.).

Not too awfully long into my sophomore year, she pulls me over after the last class of the day and tells me that she’s got something very important to tell me, but there’s not time to go over all of it right then. She was going to be busy most of the day, but she would be at the football game that night, and we’d talk there. (Side note about my high school’s football team: we’re awful. My senior year, the only school we ranked ahead of was the Indiana School for the Deaf.) So, I spent the afternoon absolutely overanalyzing everything, like I usually do. Finally, the football game comes. I find her, and we go off to the more secluded area by the baseball field. We sit down on the bleachers there, and she tells me that she will be moving to Florida very soon because of her dad’s new job. This kills me. We spent the next few weeks talking and such, but every moment was very bittersweet. Finally the day came, and she was gone. We still talked on the phone and the internet for awhile. We sent a few letters back and forth. I was still absolutely devastated. I kid no one when I say I was ready to marry that girl. So, I spent the rest of my sophomore year very hurt and lonely. Friends tried to console me, but it took the love of another girl to finally pull me out of it over that following summer, by which time communication with the previous girl had completely fallen off. I’m still with the girl that finally pulled me out of that state, and things are going wonderfully. I honestly could not be happier.

The girl that moved to Florida has called me twice in the past two years, both times over the winter and both times caught me completely off-guard. Now, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I’m getting a very strong urge to talk with her again. I have no romantic designs or anything of that nature, I just really want to talk with her again and see how she’s doing and such. The thing is, I have no idea why, and that makes me wonder. Is it because it’s getting colder, and my brain somehow assumes that she’ll call sometime soon? That’s the only theory I have, and it’s a very weak one. I would call her, but, of course, I don’t have her number, nor can I seem to find it. I looked for the letters she sent, but those seem to be gone, too. (The “Sunscreen” song give a very good bit of advice when it tells you to keep all your old love letters. . .I’m too young to be regretting stuff like that, but here I am.)

Man, this is getting long. I suppose that’s just about it. I just don’t understand where this sudden need to talk to her is coming from. Why, brain? Why?

That does sound odd. Not much to say here, except good luck and follow your heart.

I think you’re probably right about the weather change bringing on the feelings. I think we associate so many memories with the “feeling” of different seasons that the coming cold has tripped some memory switch in you. Both of my parents became gravely ill in the Fall and both died (7 years apart almost to the day, mom in '97, Dad this year) in February. Guess what happens to me in the Fall? I’ve always associated Fall with school beginning and baking and apples and fresh air and leaves changing colors, seeing it as an invigorating time for new starts and positive changes. But now there’s a pervasive sadness about it because I’m thinking about my parents and the feelings of realizing their deaths were imminent. The sounds and smells of the Fall just trip that without me even thinking about it.
Do you have the girls email address still? Any mutual friends that may be able to help? Ther’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with old friends.

No, the e-mail address has been lost along with everything else. To be honest, that upsets me also. While I don’t regret moving on at all, I never wanted to fall out of touch. And now, all my links to get in touch with her are lost. Very, very frustrating.

Just giving this a bump in the futile hope that a doper out there has a unique insight to add other than the good piece Salem wrote?

I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about first loves, especially those which ended due to circumstance rather than the usual bitter acrimony. While you might want to think that this wondering has some greater meaning which can only be fulfilled by reconnecting with this girl, my guess is that it doesn’t.

The two of you never really had closure in your relationship, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe if you’d stayed together you’d have gotten married, but then missed out on all that can be learned from dating other people. Maybe you’d have had a bitter, awful breakup. You’ll never know. On the plus side, right now you have (and always will have) the memory of something nice.

Let the past be the past. Be happy with your memory of what might have been, and move on.

That’s a good piece, Giraffe. But I really feel I have moved on. Until here just recently, I hadn’t even thought of her since her last phone call. Most of my wondering is why is this urge coming now, without any prompting? It just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s been three years now since I’ve seen her. Where is this urge coming from? That’s what’s bothering me.

I’d make a bet that you’re more of a positive person, so now you’re remembering the good points about this girl and forgetting the bad. :slight_smile: I feel like that about all of my old girlfriends.

Well, except that one.

But anyways, maybe I’m not one to comment because I’m the type of person who thinks having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a deviation on the standard of being alone. :slight_smile:


Hey JimSox5 honey. Did you say you think too much? Here’s some more for you to think about. Ponder this at about 3 AM for greatest effect.

Do you think there’s a chance, if you call her and see her, that the two of you might reconnect in a deeply personal way, and that you will believe you two are soul-mates? Are you being unfaithful to your wife, if only in spirit, to even wonder about such a question, much less go looking for the answer? What if you choose not to have contact with her? Do you ask yourself, “Am I so insecure in my resolve and so out of touch with my emotions, needs, desires, and dreams that I have to isolate myself from all people who might shake up my world a little bit?”

As you mature, you’ll have more perspective on this sort of thing. I’m guessing you’re kinda young, because to us old fogeys, 3 years is nothing to not see someone and still wonder about them and miss them, especially if they were really special to you.

Soul mates? Nah. I doubt that. While she was special, I do believe I’ve moved on to something even better, even more special. I think it’s more along the lines of what Giraffe was saying about lack of closure. There was zero closure, communication just gradually slowed down until it all but stopped. I don’t feel I’m being unfaithful or anything like that, but maybe it’s that lack of closure that’s bothering me. That still doesn’t really explain why now, though, unless it’s the winter=she calls out of the blue thing.

Aha! Thanks to the miricle of Yahoo! People Search, I am 99% sure I’ve found her address! Why didn’t I think of that before? Anyway, armed with this new knowledge, I have written a letter, which I believe keeps an innocent enough tone to ensure that intentions are not misinterpreted. It may not be the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but then I’ve never claimed to be a genius. Well, not that often. Wish me luck, dopers! Here’s to spontaneity!

You know, I was in a similar situation in high school, except I was the one that moved.

Its good that you’ve moved on, and have found someone very special. But I think you are headed down the right path in terms of trying to maintain (platonic) contact.

Old friends will often become your best friends. Having that relationship history can be a positive thing, as long as you both agree on where things stand and boundaries.

The thing is, with romantic relationships closure comes in three forms:

  1. One of you formally states that you don’t want to date anymore. 99% of the time you say you’ll continue to be friends, and 98% of the time you don’t.

  2. One of you cuts off communication and you never see each other again.

  3. Circumstances make dating impractical or impossible, and you go your separate ways. This is the nicest way to end a relationship, because you never got to the point where one of you has to reject the other, and your memories of each other aren’t tainted by a bad ending.

This is why I don’t think you should try to contact this girl. Although it may turn into a nice friendship, it may also change the end of your relationship from the latter to one of the former.

You’ll always be struck by urges like this, whether it’s to contact ex-girlfriends or flirt with co-workers or sleep with attractive strangers. All these things add uncertainty and excitement to one’s life. In some cases, they’re a good idea, in others, not so much. The suddenness or strength of the impulse shouldn’t be the scale by which you decide to take action. Asking “why do I suddenly want to do this?” is an easy way to find reasons why you need to do it.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong in this case, but I do think you’d be better off leaving it alone. (I also don’t think you will – I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t, if I were in your shoes. It’s easier to give advice than to follow it.) :slight_smile:

Actually, Giraffe, I had a RL friend tell me almost that exact same thing, just not quite as eloquently. Basically, right now my mindset is if I don’t at least give a try at contacting her, I’ll grow to regret not jumping on it. They tell me that the greatest form of regret is the chance not taken, so I’m not playing it conservatively. Anyway, I found out I have no stamps, so I will get some tomorrow and mail the letter then. I’ll be sure to give an update if anything is sent back.

So, did you ever get in touch with her? I’m so curious how this turned out.

He hasn’t posted on this board since 2008.