…and *Duck Duck Goose became one with Google and achieved Nirvana. 
Clayton_e doesn’t post anymore because… oh… nevermind…
…huh, sorry, I was dozing. I think I will lie down now…
[sub]i and the search engine are one
om[/sub]
Here’s news from Anthracite: Spencer Abraham having announced he will be moving to Escanaba and joining the Yooper Secession Movement as their president, Ms. Una will be serving as Secretary of Energy. Plans have been announced to make the entire state of Alaska into a wilderness preserve and no-drill zone, as the oil is not needed. “America’s fossil fuel needs can easily be met by America’s coal,” the petite, fiery Secretary told CNN recently, adding, “Fuck OPEC.”
Our own Guinastasia recently beat K-Mart Vice-President Michelle H. Gluck at Scrabble, two games out of three, her SDMB experience standing her in good stead, as it was the third word that ends in “-gry” that had Ms. Gluck stumped. Guin therefore moves up in the K-Mart rankings to Regional Manager, which means she’s pretty busy practicing her factoid moves for next month’s Trivial Pursuit executive playoffs.
Wrong… he just finally became a cheesemaker.
In other news…
ChiefScott has been thrown into the loony bin, a permanent silly smile plastered on his face.
Doobieous has begun his clandestine operations to observe Mercutio 24/7 until the latter turns 18… at which point Doob will “move in for the kill”, as it were.
Speaking of Mercutio, he’s busy trying to find nude pictures of SPOOFE. D’you blame him?
Hey baby I hear the blues are callin’
Tossed salad and scrambled eggs (Quite stylish!)
And baby if I seem a bit confused,
Well, mabye, now I’ve got you pegged. (Ha ha!)
But I don’t know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs,
They’re callin’ again…
Frasier has left the building.
Thank you Seattle, we love you!
(Stay tuned, Just Shoot Me is coming up next! Here, on NBC!)
OldScratch moved down south and was elected the President of The United States of America.
Billdo opened a Bed 'N Breakfast on the Upper West Side, that specialized in omlettes named after card games.
Anthracite perfected her Carboniferous Decompression Calculator ( or, CDC 
). She’s currently using it to turn all diamonds back in to coal.
gobear has opened a physical fitness center in rural Virginia. It combines the best elements of nutrition, work-outs and BDSM. It’s called, " No Pain No Game". Initial memberships exceeded 4,000.
Cartooniverse stepped onto the local railroad tracks one day and started walking, and never stopped.
vix headed an Internet start-up company specializing in job placement for Dopers. She drives a Lexus.
Duck Duck Goose revealed that in addition to being the only Doper with a T-3 line wired directly into her home office, she is also the only one who knows what the Matrix is. 
AbbySthrnAccent started a company that specializes in the delivery of Post-It [sym]ä[/sym] notes the size of garage doors to people’s homes. She’s been featured on " Late Night with David Letterman" and " Jerry Springer".
CrankyAsAnOldMan was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Outstanding Economics in the Field of College Administration. She immediately announced that 100% of her winnings would go to defray the cost of running the Straight Dope Message Board. Flushed with the news, she reportedly blurted
She immediately recieved 15,000 marriage proposals, which she is sifting through even at this moment.
JillGat is hosting the new hit game show on CBS called, ** What’s My Virus ?? **.
GingerOfTheNorth revealed herself to be, in fact, the reincarnated spirit of Pierre Trudeau.
Sua Sponte has decided to work pro bono for the rest of his life, giving his time to those investment bankers and fund managers he deems most worthy.
jarbabyj opened a string of wildly successful day care centers. In an amusing yet somewhat related move, mr jarbabyj retaliated by opening up a chain of INSANELY and MORE wildly successful milk bars called The Angry Teat. They live happily in suburban Chicago.
WOO-HOO!
UncleBill found out all his nieces and nephews were animitronic George W. Bush clones and fled to Nepal, where he changed his name to JustBill and tried in vain to open a McDonald’s franchise for the Ghurkas.
hardygrrl chances upon an opera in the park and devotes her life to mastering the harp, denouncing all things violent and loud.
Oicu812 slices his fingers off with a broadsword and cannot move the mouse cursor to the SUBMIT REPLY button, causing great consternation.
katiekilldare is picked up by the Ford Modeling Agency and singlehandedly creates a new type of model, the “Uber Model”. She now has people who do her posting for her.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by UncleBill *
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
::Finds the pointe shoes from those way back in the day ballet classes, laces them on, and gives UncleBill a graceful arabesque to the nads, as Tchaikovsky’s Dance of the Toy Flutes from the Nutcracker Suite plays::
Ok, I’ll try this out…
Crunchy Frog successfully marketed a line of sex toys based on his testicles.
True Pisces finally opened up her Flirting Academy.
TwistofFate took up competitive knitting.
Following a bad shot to the boards, blur renounced hockey and joined a synchronized swimming team. He’s the one with the water wings on.
SPOOFE invented the first lubricant/oral hygiene gel.
tiggeril trained her bunnies in karate and is now a ninja.
Quixotic78 leaned too close to a beaker and mutated into a half man-half bunsen burner.
DynoSaur fell into a forty year sleep.
(Redukter walks into a dark café. He looks nervously from side to side. A voice booms from a corner.)
Voice: So, Redukter, ve meet again. May I buy you a drink?
Redukter: Sure. Uhh, have we met?
Voice: Yes, ve haff. Remember me? I am-
(static)
Redukter is beaten for trying to make a pointless play that leads to nowhere. Now, ‘nowhere’ is a pretty neat concept. No place. Does ‘nowhere’ exist? It must. The Germans have a word for it. Maybe the French have a word for it; I don’t know. I think, but am not sure, that-
Redukter is killed for rambling on and on and on and on and on about nothing I am Sam Sam da man Samdaman- [sub]It’s now safe to go home.[/sub] (guitar solo)
ARose gets his groove on. Like, once a day.
Searching IS my groove. Blame her
~ARose
Searching for Truth is… well… searching for truth.
After a disastrous experience involving a Cuban cigar, two rubber bands, and 32 litres of Correct-All, Spoons renounces tobacco and becomes chief propagandist for the Non-smokers’ Rights Association.
Globe-trotter decides that Mississauga will be home forevermore, and takes to the buses there like a native.
A charming fixer-upper just outside downtown Detroit catches KimKatt’s eye.
And Matt_mcl finds destiny in the retinue of Stockwell Day.
This is almost enough to make a newby fear posting.
Cougarfang found a two-hundred hectare paddock full of catnip and has never been heard from since, although there are rumours of an extremely stoned feline in the area.
spooje was beaten to a bloody pulp in the pit, and needs time to recover.
Wind Sorceress is currently experimenting with an odd way to mix weather-spells, computers, and bats (I’m keeping well away from her house, just in case…)
Dragon Shadow accidently flipped a switch and is now trapped in a pitch-dark room.
Tavalla is watching me make a fool of myself in my catnip paddock. Now please excuse me, I have a Tavalla to catch…
ROTFLMAO
Well, that’s high on the list of things that just ain’t gonna happen!!!
handy is wounded in a drive-by posting incident. While the recovery is complete, the trauma is lasting.
SwimmingRiddles takes to her big-girl bed and decides that it is so comfortable, she is never getting out again.
Hamadryad, inspired by the pages of Tattoed Dopers, decides to devote her entire body to the Science of Tattooing. She spends her time doing the talk show circuit, displaying her head-to-toe work of art.
Sunspace is of course far too hung over from all of that binge drinking to post… <T-I-C>
Kwyjibo, having successfully achieved world domination, shuts down the SDMB, because any bulletin board where more than 5 posts can occur in a day isn’t a real sport.
magdalene, having been lured to Ann Arbor by Cranky’s offer of a fun weekend, instead finds herself enslaved in the basement forced to ghostwrite Cranky’s dissertation. She has no internet access lest she complain to other Dopers about the fact that she is beaten on any day that she does not write at least 12 pages.
Cartooniverse is busy with his agent hammering out the details of his 9/11 firsthand-account movie deal with Paramount (which also account for where Zebra is).