I was out in front of my office building, sitting on a bench, having a smoke, when the urge to let out a little air from the ole intestinal ballon came over me. I quickly scanned the courtyard. Very quickly.
Not being one to fart straight down in order to see if I can achieve any lift, I did the practical thing, and leaned to one side to squeeze out the little fart. What I had thought was going to be a little air was in fact a lot of air, and much cheek flapping ensued.
That is, it was really loud. Not unlike a balloon, it had an interesting squeal-y quality to it.
I stood up, took one last drag off my cigarette, and leaned over to stub it out in the ashtray. Then, I looked up. Straight into the horrified stare of a lady sitting on another bench about 20 feet away.
I thought of giving her a shrug, saying “Hey lady, everybody farts. Even the Queen of England will let loose with a real scorcher every now and then.” I thought of smiling broadly and saying “Jesus, if you thought it sounded bad, you should have been over here to smell it.” I thought of simply showing enormous relief, comically wiping my brow with one hand and fanning my ass with the other.
I did none of those. Instead, I looked down, and hurriedly walked into my office.
I think it’s the fact that the fart comes from your butt. I mean, burps (same stuff, different exit) are loud and smelly, too, but generally inspire less (if any) embarrassment (though an “Excuse me” is still polite afterwards).
I generally get less embarrassed with age, though. Take last night. I farted right in the ear of a friend’s boyfriend (I was leaning against a wall, standing up, and he was sitting against the same wall, so my ass was about head’level for him). Didn’t mean to–didn’t even know it was coming–but thar she ripped, and though I experienced a mild tinge of horror at the moment, I think that if I were still 20 years old, I would have moved to Mexico by now, just to avoid ever seeing this guy again.
As it is, I’d still like to have him over for dinner sometime.
Well, sure, we’re all friends here. We can fart with each other and not be embarrassed. In fact I just did. And I just did it again.
But imagine being in a crowded grocery store, or in a meeting, or any place where you’re surrounded by strangers or by people that you don’t know well. Can you really say that you fart with impunity, continuing conversations and acting as if nothing happened? Or that you loudly proclaim, whilst hiking a leg, “Thar she blows!”?
If so, I salute you while standing upwind.
The question in my OP was actually just a way to legitimize telling a somewhat funny fart story.
i only find them embarrassing when im not sure if i shit my pants or not and have to run to the bathroom to do a courtesy wipe… otherwise its all good!
Getting firetrucks ready for a parade is a lot of work the night before, and sometimes involves beer, steak sandwiches, peppers, etc., leaving one’s innards a breeding ground for evil pootage. Next morning, assignments are distributed, and I’m driving an engine with the company President as my shotgun rider. He’s a fellow known for nasty drive-by farts. Early July, humid as all get-out, the truck does not have cab AC and we’re driving at about 3 MPH because of the marching bands, etc. Turning the corner onto main street, we’re approaching the reviewing stand with local politicians, and I feel trouser mission control announcing launch sequence 4…3…2…1 brapraprapraprapraprap! Staring straight ahead, doing my damndest not to laugh, the aroma makes it’s way to my passenger who hisses out the corner of his mouth, “You Bstrd!”
Count me with fellow firefighter Ben Franklin- ‘Fart proudly!’
