Why is your ex your ex?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Wow, sounds a bit like my only major relationship before my current SO [sub](who is so wonderful that I’m signing in for a long term contract)[/sub]. Where to start on that boyfriend? Okay, so we started dating during my senior year of high school and had met while volunteering at renfaire. (Lesson #1: don’t date people you meet at renfaire. Ever.) I had gained a bad reputation (it was mostly deserved-- I was a maneater at the time) and his friends tried to steer him away from me; we all know this only makes the other person more attractive, and I had a reputation to “fix.” We started dating, and it was interesting mostly because of issues that stemmed more from socioeconomic differences in his family and mine than anything else, initially. I was solidly middle class, and his family was working class; I was bookish and he was interested in gaming, his POS car, and electrical work. He thought that it was useless for me to be so interested in reading (and that I had no real world experience because I liked reading), and I was an honors student who participated heavily in extracurricular activities and had plans to go to college. He didn’t have much in the way of ambitions, other than to keep me around after I graduated. (Lesson #2: younger guys when you’re in high school are a BAD IDEA.) I had chosen the college I was going to before I met him, so no deal. We spent the summer together, he got emotionally needy and tried to ring me into codependency so I’d stay. I didn’t. We tried long distance, and that just didn’t work well, even with me spending money every month to go home and visit.

After a couple of months, he stopped moping and started hanging out with his friends again. Met another girl that he was interested in. Somehow I got talked into something more “open”; I was expecting it to be “you can hang out with her,” not “you can fuck her while I’m gone.” Thanksgiving rolls around, he has dinner at my house and embarrasses me by leaving early to go get drunk with his new friends. This was a big change from the “I don’t like drinking or drugs or smoking” person I’d dated in high school, and I could tell he’d been having sex with someone else. (Lesson #3: don’t agree to anything more open than you’re comfortable with, and long distance rarely works.) I was upset, but had two more weeks before the semester was over and I’d come home again. Came home, and the first day after I’d arrived, I went over to his house by bus, met “the other woman,”* ended up spending several hours with him, her, and a handful of mutual friends. Broke up with him. Made him cry so hard he couldn’t breathe and didn’t care; I was too hurt to want to make him feel good about his inappropriate and hurtful behavior. I got dropped off at my house late that evening, upset but ready to put it behind me if I could. It took about three months before I was fully over it and able to not consider taking him back, regardless of his begging. By that summer, I’d had to switch my cell # with my mom and block his number on both phones just to get him to stop.

*She’s the most complicated element in the story, really. I felt neutral about her, as she was duped by this situation as well. I’m sure she wasn’t the only other person that he cheated on me with, but I didn’t see the signs until after we broke up. The worst part about it is that she was definitely not an “upgrade” by any measure; then again, neither were any of his past girlfriends. They were all ugly, immature, impressively stupid, and on extreme ends of the weight spectrum-- either unhealthfully thin or bordering on morbidly obese. Either way, I was the odd one out of the set and the only “improvement” and I shouldn’t have dated him in the first place.

122

Turns out I’m gay.

123

Thank you. I appreciate this post most of all.

124

So many reasons he drove me nuts.

• poor judgment at the job and at home
• personality changes
• disgusting personal habits
• extreme frugality
• hoarding
• mood swings
• extreme controlling behavior
• poor opinion of women in general (well, when you blame your mother for everything even at the tender age of 50, what hope is there?)

125

Because I sucked at ducking. I suppose part of that is my fault.

126

Because she had horrible issues stemming from her mother and past relationships with other men.

Exacerbated by what was probably post-partum depression on top the stress of having a baby.

I thought things were getting better; she moved out shortly after he turned 1.

127

She turned out to be a zombie.

128

My ex wanted me to be normal. I thought if he wanted to be married to someone normal, he would have to marry someone else. :stuck_out_tongue:

129

Wow. Spent time during the first page mentally composing my response only to find that I already had on the second. Wonder how many other threads I’ve posted to that I’ve long forgotten.

130

Well she was 5 years older than me but also 5 years less mature. While I was seeing her for those 2 years we in many ways acted like a married couple and over time I just couldnt see me spending the rest of my life with her. Note - great sex alone wont make a solid marriage.

So we split up even though she kept crying and wanting me back. Funny thing is she was the one who introduced me to my wife.

131

  1. Everything I thought was good, she thought was bad and vice versa, and she was convinced it was my fault. However, I’m beginning to think this might be a universal truth about male/female relationships.

  2. She didn’t know what she wanted. When I gave her what she said she wanted, she told me she actually wanted something else. Again, my fault for doing what she told me, not predicting what she was going to change to.

  3. My happiness was not an issue compared to her happiness. When my life sucked to the point where doctors were telling me to make changes or die, she wouldn’t let me because it would be inconvenient to her.

  4. Her complete and utter selfishness to the point of sociopathy.

  5. Money. In 14 years of marriage, she paid for a total of 4 things, insisted I pay for all dates, and when I refused, used the joint account. And then, criticized me for not being able to save money while she hid 20k in a private account while regularly raiding our savings.

  6. Every fight became a continuation of all fights we ever had. Another universal I think.

132

yep! Still do! :stuck_out_tongue:

133

She turned out to be a rageaholic with control issues. And a Victim. And a spendthrift. Among other issues. I really don’t care to delve any deeper into it.

134

First girlfriend: totally incompatible. She was upset that I believed in evolution.

Second girlfriend: she dumped me, turned out she really didn’t know what she wanted. She later got back with a former boyfriend who had cheated on her. By the magic of Google I know she never married or held a job for very long. She made me available to meet my wife of 18 years so she wasn’t all bad.

135

I was an ant, he was a grasshopper. He took no care for the future. If he had money he’d want to spend it, savings be damned. Then he cheated on me, so I divorced him. Thank heavens we didn’t have kids. He did marry again, to the @#$%^&* he’d cheated on me with. They divorced too, but he got stuck with a daughter out of it.

136

She was a picky eater. I mean REALLY picky. One time at a BBQ at my parent’s house she asks me whats for dinner. I told her my stepdad was preparing tri-tip, corn on the cob, butternut squash, potato salad, beans, dinner rolls, green beans, and rice. My stepdad goes all out for meals, and with so many dishes its easy to find SOMETHINGS you would like to eat. Not my ex. After hearing what was for dinner, she then asks my stepdad, “could you just microwave me a hot pocket instead?” :eek: Apparently she was the ‘baby’ in her rather small family and her wealthy parents catered to her whims. People always bailed her out of situations so she was never willing to work hard for anything. Several years after we broke up I ran into her at my friend’s wedding and apparently she hadn’t changed much; I had a fiancee, lived in a nice apartment with a good job, while she was still single, still living with her parents and still working a crappy part time job.

Ironically, the person I married was similar to Spoon’s ex: wanted a Catholic wedding, wants our kids to speak Spanish, etc. Though maybe my wife is more flexible about it- both the priest and my wife asked me if I minded if they did Communion at the wedding, because they didn’t want people to feel excluded. As an atheist I do not care either way nor did my family. The non-Catholics, including my grumpy Jewish grandfather, all supported our decisions and everybody was fine with it. I guess since I’m so easygoing with that kind of stuff, I made a good impression on my in-laws. They know I’m atheist and don’t compel me to participate in anything I’m not comfortable with. Apparently “bad Catholics” like my sister-in-law’s fiancee get a lot more grief.

137

Ex 1, there was such a long list, but it boiled down to he didn’t really love me. I’m not sure he even knew he didn’t- but it sure became apparent to me. Things were comfortable, but certainly not happy. And there was NO compromise on his part, ever. When things were fine, they were fine, but about every 3-4 months we’d come to such a completely frustrating standstill. I had already given up so much for him, and I realized I couldn’t continue to feel that way quarterly for the rest of my life.

Ex 2, right after, was awesome in that he was everything Ex 1 wasn’t. We had a good but abbreviated run because it became apparent that he was not going to be able to be a good parent to my son. He did convince me to sign my kid up for music lessons, though-- and when we walked in for the first drum lesson, lo and behold, there was the man who would become my husband!

138

When the only conversation was, ‘I’m hungry’, ‘I’m horny’, ‘I need clean shirts’, I figured I was better off if he hired a cook and a maid, and went to the block once a week.

He didn’t want sex, I did. When I told him I wasn’t happy with a sexless relationship he told me he wasn’t responsible for my happiness and I should do whatever I needed to do to make myself happy. So I did. The I got pregnant (birth control failure) and he got pissed and I said why? It’s what you told me to do. He said that wasn’t what he meant, he meant for me to buy myself some toys or something, OOPS! Guess he should have been more specific. I said if I was going to be happy with toys then why would I have wanted to be with him.
After I had my son and was living with my son’s father, then he wanted to have sex with me. Go figure.
He’s dead now.

My son’s father beat me up, while I was holding the baby. I had to stand there taking the blows while trying to shield my son from them.
He’s dead now, too.

The last one is still too raw to talk about. He doesn’t want to let go. Maybe knowing the last two are dead he’s afraid to?
It’s not like I had anything to do with it.

139

This post put a smile on my face.

I have only been in 3 relationships.

#1 Cheating and Lying done us in

2 Cheating, and I wanted children

I am close friends to this day with # 1 and # 2. I will always love them.

3 Still with the bastard! He chased me for years, even when I was with # 2. I finally gave in to him. Then we had 2 children. I realized after the first kid, that I made a terrible mistake, second child was a big surprise. Now I am counting the days until they are both in college and I can be freeee.

FYI I will not remain friends with him, like I have with # 1 and # 2. The only reason I would talk to him after the kids are in college is to talk about our kids.

And please spare me all the reasons I should divorce now. I know what is best for my children. He is a good father

140

I just got tired of being with a middle-aged woman who acted like she was in her late teens or early 20s. Immaturity is tolerable in the young; it’s pathetic in older people.