Why must we hurt each other?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

((((wyldelf))))
What ever you do, dont blame yourself. This is his fault. He caused the bruises, cuts, and scrapes. He has hurt you physically and worst of all he has abused you mentally. It would be impossible for you not to be frightened by someone who has abused you. Do not blame yourself. You did not choose for him to abuse you.
If you have not filed any reports with the police yet, I beg you to do it as soon as possible. You need to get control of your life back from him. You need to document his threats and his actions against you. He is using these types of tatics to make you think he is still in charge of you. Don’t let him control you.

strong comforting[/strong comforting]

22

MikeG Absoul I know - I tell myself every time it happens that I have to do something about it. And then I find myself saying that “if it happens again” etc etc. I rationalise it to myself constantly but I don’t seem to be able to get over that mental block that it is not somehow partially my fault. I mean - he was a decent guy when I started dating him and all and only later did he become the obsessive/jealous and abusive person he is now. It is still hard for me to reconcile that the two images are the same person.

Reason says I should do something but emotion is a hard thing to ignore as well. I don’t like being a victim but I would prefer to be able to work it out without outside “interference” if possible and therefore safe both of us some trauma. However it doesn’t seem to be working and yes it is escalating to the point where it is dangerous.

I guess - letting it out to you guys was my first step in being able to talk about it to the appropriate people - so thanks guys.

(((((((((((MikeG , Absoul)))))))))

23

Wyldelf, I don’t know what to say. If you ever need to friendly ear (or eyes, as it will probably be email) feel free to contact me.

And I don’t know if you know this, but I used to work for military intelligence. I still have some friends in the field I stay in touch with. Maybe I could call in a couple favors. . .

24

No offense Crunchy, but perhaps the badass, Joliet penitentiary graduate, hard hittin’ repo guys I used to work with might be a better choice than your number cruncher desk jockeys:)

I’ve also got some Latin Kings that owe me a favor (don’t ask :eek: )

25

Hey ** Crunchy **, how am I supposed to stalk you if you are going to go around being friendly to me? Whatever happened to that inherently sarcastic sense of humour? You can’t just start being nice willy-nilly you know? But seriously thanks - you may just get taken up on that.

As for the favours guys (Crunchy and MikeG) thanks but I guess it is something I have to learn to work out for myself.

Your friendship and kind words mean alot though.

Christmas hugs and smooches to you both.

26

Do get help - for his sake, as well as yours. I know what you mean about remembering the person he was - but he will not get back to that person without help. If you call him on his behavior by taking action, you are saving yourself and also giving him the chance to see what he has become. Do get help, do see the police - because it doesn’t get better by hoping, especially when it’s already crossed into violence. I will keep you in my thoughts.

27

Mike G, Crunchy, I know your heart’s are in the right place, but violence never solves anything, if that indeed was what you were suggesting.
Wydelf sweetie, you must go to the authorities, this man must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Once convicted, then jailhouse justice will be served, as women beaters are on the same keel as child molesters. He will get his.

Wyldelf dear, Spider Woman and I will be thinking of you this holiday and keeping you in our prayers.
Hang in there and stay strong.

28

I hope it was obvious from my original, serious, post that I wasn’t really advocating violence
(Latin Kings??!? hah - they’d shoot me as soon as look at me)
and sassy it’s hard to realize about someone you cared about, but he most likely never was the kind caring person you thought. Most victimisers and abusers are master manipulators, liars, and con artists. they will do and say anything to get you in a position where they have some control over you and then the mask comes off. The feeling wyld has about it being her fault is all too common and was deliberately fostered by this abuser.
That’s not your fault either!! Just get out, thank God that you realized it early on before marriage/kids etc. and get some help. talk to someone about what you are looking for in a relationship and why you are either drawn to people like this or they are drawn to you. It really helps to talk to someone with insight and an objective outlook. it helped me realize why I clung to my failed marriage and has helped somewhat to lessen the pain.

More {{{{{hugs}}}}} and warm thoughts, Mike

29

SassyYou make a good point there. I just hate being the person to cause someone else harm/hurt. And though it is most probably what needs to be done and I am quickly running out of other options I still find it difficult to be the one to do it to him.

imthjckaz I know Crunchy and MikeG were just kidding around with the idea as a bit of a pep me up / support thing. Thanks for thinking of me over Christmas - it is really nice. Say a Merry Christmas to Spider Woman for me too.

MikeG I have definately broken out of the habit of dating that type of person!! It has been a good 3 years since this all started (on and off over this time) and I learnt my lesson then. I am lucky enough to have wonderful, gentle friends and feel no emotional need to date b*&tards (excuse the language please). I know I have to get over the guilty feeling and I am definately working on it - thanks for your support as well - having it pointed out to me and a chance to discuss it is a good thing.

30

No, he wasn’t. He was a lower-than-scum woman beater that knew if you saw that when you first met him, you’d run away screaming. He was an absolute psychotic idiot that is a decent actor. He was someone that had enough twisted intelligence to suck you in.

He’s an abuser, wyldelf, not a decent guy.

31

Oh and Merry Christmas!!! It is 0825 there right now yes? How’s the weather? It’s -38 Fahrenheit (about the same for Celsius) right now in Chicago (wind chill) Brrrr!!! thank God for flannel sheets and down comforters!

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Actually it is about 2.30pm on Christmas Day right now - I am about to go and grab some lunch and then read a book/snooze the afternoon away.

It’s about 32 celcius here and bloody hot!!! At least since I am staying at my friend’s house I have air conditioning!! Definately a day for strip poker and nude twister!!!

Have a very merry christmas!!! And fantastic new year

33

Nym is right, he was an abuser before he met you. He was hiding his monster side from you then, and is trying his damndest to get back in your life now. Don’t let him. He will hurt you again and again. He controls you by demeaning you. He does not care for you, he only wishes to control you. ((wyldelf))

…by the way if you need someone to introduce a tire iron to his knee caps… let me know.

34

D’oh!! Forgot about that whole GMT thang!!
Nym, as usual, good analysis - right on the money!

mmmmm, nude twister mmmmm…

well that vision made my Christmas a lot merrrier;) I’ll be going to… uhh, sleep… yeah that’s it sleep, now.
G’night, all!

[sub] have few ice cubes for me now[/sub]:wink:

Hey someone flirting with me always made me feel better- just doing what I can…

35

You are all right guys - I guess when you are so closely involved in something - you tend to lose some perspective.

Alright - I AM going to go and do something about it.

I’ll grab my friend when he gets back on Wednesday and go to the police about it - and make sure I am taken seriously this time.

And start looking for a new place (one with some level of security).

And fight back if I find myself in the same situation.

Let’s just hope I can keep up the guts to go and do it.

36

Working wonderfully MikeG :wink: :wink:

37

wyldelf,

After reading through this I am so relieved to see that you are going to do something about this. That’s the problem with abusive relationships, so often the victims of the abuse are too ashamed to tell anyone what is happening, or if they do tell they minimize it.

Please do everything you can to protect yourself, and make someone listen to you. Also get proof of what is happening, if he calls record the calls, if he comes near you, if at all possible try to get someone’s attention somehow so there will be a witness.

This person needs help, but you need to be safe while he is getting it.

Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers tonight
Now let’s got to the Nightbefore Christmas thread and finish
the job on Crunchy Frog . ::evil grin::

38

Ouch!! USD $3,500 O’Hare to Brisbane!!!?!

Sorry sweetie, It’ll have to stay on the boards til’ I win the lottery

[sub] note to self: start playing lottery-stop paying utilities to finance…look into stealing lottery machine[/sub]

39

hugs

This post made me cry (at work, no less).

Wyldelf, you have touched me in a way that no one has this Christmas Season. Christmas is just under two hours away and I didnt care until just now. Now I want to go hold my son and my boyfriend and you… I wanna go get you and hold you too sad smile… and just be thankful and appreciative to have people in this world who honestly care about one another.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this… but if it makes it a little easier, know that you’ve genuinely touched my heart.

Merry Christmas to you, angel.

“Its been a long December and theres reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last.”

40

Thanks for the good wishes, sweetie, and the same back at ya. Have plenty of good food, good books, my SD friends, and my pup to keep me warm. (It’s -15F outside! I’ve boosted the heat and left the taps dripping to keep the pipes from freezing!)

I’m so glad you’ve decided to take action against this guy. He won’t stop on his own, unfortunately. Grim voice of experience, here. My Ex wasn’t physically abusive, but a drunk and incredibly mentally abusive. I dithered and waffled forever, seems like, so don’t kick yourself over that either.

Know the worst part? After I finally wrenched free, turns out my self-imposed isolation was totally unneeded. My friends suspected and were very concerned, but didn’t want to interfere! So all that shame and loneliness was completely false.

But everyone is right: you are not to blame. Keep repeating it to yourself, because it’s true. (Odd how some folks evade all responsibility, and others take on too much!) His actions, his decisions and his consequences; when you suffer, mentally and physically, and are too scared to even stay in your own home–well, he’s gone waayyy over civilized lines.

So he projected a different image at first; believing him doesn’t make you responsible for his lies. Your only responsiblity now is to yourself (and his future victims) to stop his crap and put his actions on record.

Sorry, I’m preaching and ranting, but believe this: your kind heart doesn’t make you responsible for his aggression! You are not alone, you are not to blame, and you did not invite or deserve abuse.

Eat, rest, read, stay cool, nap some more…we’re all wishing you well.
Veb
P.S. I checking into tucking this thread away; still learning the bells and whistles.