Why must we hurt each other?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Oh, wyldelf, hon, I feel for you! I was once in an abusive relationship with a “decent” guy who became so obsessively jealous that he wouldn’t let me do anything without him hovering near. After a night of out of control rage, he nearly killed me by strangling and beating my head against the wall. It was hard to believe that the guy I was in love with was capable of that. I’m also a small person, and he was big, so there was no chance of defending myself. God knows I tried to. I left that night, and never gave him a chance to do it again.

Above all, do not in any way blame yourself. There is absolutely NO excuse for beating another person. His problems are too severe to risk any contact at all. Do seek the help others have advised. Sassy is right; if he’s doing this, he needs some serious help. And you’re not only saving yourself, but also saving others from potential harm too.

Take care of yourself, and don’t be ashamed to get the support you need from friends. It’s essential that you be protected physically.

From across oceans, I wish you the best strength to make it through. Wrapped up in all the promise of better times to come.

Feliz Navidad

42

Malkavia I didn’t mean to make you cry - not at all - just maybe appreciate Christmas a little more and the chance to spend it with loved ones. I am glad to hear you have a child and boyfriend to spend Christmas with - I wish you the happiest time :slight_smile:

TVeblen I know why they made you a moderator - your wonderul personality and words of wisdom are to be cherished by all. Thanks for taking time out to post some advice and encouragement. I have definately taken note of it and promise to act.

elelle as another speaking from experience (though I hate that you went through it) I appreciate both you and TVeblen having the courage to speak out with me and provide your support.

Merry Christmas and the Happiest New Years to you all
(((((((((((everyone))))))))))))

43

Another formerly abused person here.

I’m glad you’ve chosen to get some help, wyldelf.

Understand that no matter how much you want to, you cannot change him. He has to change himself. You can want him to change, you can pray for him to change (if you’re so inclined). But you can’t change him. All you can do is get away, and hope that someday he realizes that he’s the one with the problem.

My former boyfriend was mentally abusive, until he got me to move away from my family in Michigan. I went to Wisconsin with this a**hole, thinking that I really must deserve all the mental crap he was giving me. After we moved, he got physical. Like elelle, I left very shortly thereafter. But I had him arrested first. Then I felt bad about it, because like you, I didn’t want to cause him harm.

After he got out of jail (yeah, I bailed him out), he was okay for a couple of days, then the mental abuse started again. That was when I left. I have not looked back. His problems are his, not mine.

It’s been ten years now. It makes me sad to think about how much I gave up for this guy. But I no longer care about him. Literally. I don’t give a rat’s fanny about him. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, and I don’t care (although I can’t say I’d be sorry if I learned of his demise).

The guy I was involved with was an alcoholic. When he was sober, oh my goodness, I hung the sun and moon. When he was drunk, though, well, I caused that last world war. I no longer blame his problems on alcohol, though. He could have gotten help, from me or literally dozens of other people and places. He chose not to.

Sorry for the ramble, wyldelf. I guess what it comes down to is that I’ve been there, and if you ever need anything, please feel free to email me. You’ll be in my thoughts this holiday.

44

Well I have decided to stop being a chicken and go back home to spend Christmas night.

since he wants me to be scared I have decided I am not going to let that happen. As long as I lock the house up as best as I can I figure it will be ok. And I am ready to call the police now if I have to.

So fingers crossed wish me luck.

45

wyld, someone is egging him on?

I understand the desire you have to not bring others in, and deal with this yourself, but as you said, you are not in his weight class. Self reliance is one of the most important things a person can have, but even then, it is more important that to have the abilty to realize that sometimes you can’t rely on yourself. As for not causing someone else harm, self defense isn’t causing someone else harm, it si just what it says it is, it is self defense. He is causing his own harm.

Anyways, I am glad that you have decided to talk to people about it, don’t let him threaten you, push you around, and make sure that if some one is egging him on, that that has a stop put to it as well.

Be well, and take care, and be comfortated to know that many of us here are rooting for you.

46

Looky, I’m still up! Harpy Holidaze!

wyldelf: what comes to my mind most is that you surround yourself with friends, either gals or mixed guy and gals. If this guy is keeping an eye on you, it’s important to make it obvious to him that you are not alone. And do NOW, register a complaint with the authorities, so that there is a previous concern registered. Hopefully, this guy will just bugger off, but if not, this counts as evidence.

Yikes! It’s cold here. Go get yer best buddies and enjoy that SoHemi Sunshine!

Allefackinlelluliah!

47

Unfortunately yes. An old school friend (I hadn’t seen in about 6-7 years) took the time to track me down and warn me that he had caught up with my old flat mate (also an old school friend of his) and that when they had had a few to drink she started bragging about egging my ex on to do those things (apparently they still keep in contact). Needless to say she is not the most balanced person on the face of the earth either. It was extremely sweet of my old friend to do that though - and took a lot of effort on his part. He is doing what he can from that end while he is in the country.

I have been spending an amazing amount of time hanging out anywhere but at home at the moment. There is only so much of that I can do before it becomes blatantly obvious that something is wrong. As for going to the cops - I am not willing to do that without my friend there - he at least has seen the results of some of the beatings so can help me be taken seriously.

And despite everything I really have enjoyed a really peaceful Christmas Day. Now I am home and it is locked up I can have a soak in the bath with a good book.

48

wyldelf, I hope your Christmas evening is going decently. Listen to 'Seph, and Veb, and ellele; they are wise. I’m just a name on a screen, I realize, but at this point, please know that I’ll spend my Christmas (it’ll be morning in a scant few hours) hoping that you did and are doing okay on yours. Be well. You deserve it.

49

Thanks Lux Fiat well I am home now so I just hope he has found something else to amuse him for the evening Fingers crossed But I really did enjoy my Christmas, despite everything, it was nice just to relax.

A big thank you to everyone for helping me get through a really tough time for me.

Huge hugs to everyone on the board - you are all such wonderful caring people and I hope I can reciprocate the help one day.

Take care please and enjoy your respective holidays.

50

Wyldelf

I just got home (and man it is HOT here!) and saw this. I’ve been abused in my past and I have done some advocacy work and my mother’s been involved in this sort of shit with supporting people in the past.

I’m here in Brisbane and I am more than happy to do anything that I can to help.

51

Just a little hug

You should have an after x mas when you have a restraining order or something similar (e.g. some pro killer of the SDMB has… whatever :wink: )
After-x-mases are much better - cause all the disfunctionals will be greatful for a second try

hugs
dodgy

52

Hi Prima I am so sorry we didn’t get to catch up the other night at dinner - I hope your health is okay??!!!

Merry Christmas to you and thank you for your kind offer. Perhaps we could catch up at some stage. I am hoping that now I know where the “burr under the saddle” is I may be able to stop this myself but if I decide to take it further your advice would be more than welcome.

Born Dodgy ok - deal - when I get all of this sorted out I will post a post-Christmas party where all of us Dysfunctionals and our friends can hang out for a pseudo-Christmas.

53

Ah, Wlydelf. I wrote 2 posts to you last night, and never sent either, my emotions were so high.

I don’t know if I understand exactly why the police have not been involved. Or family and friends will not help. Or at least some OZ Dopers can not help.

All I can say is to repeat some things earlier: this is not your fault. You must let everyone know what this ass-goblin is doing - from the police to his boss to his own family. You can survive this. Your situation is awful, but you can do this. You will need to be stronger than you ever have been. Move away - run for now, and fight him from afar via the police and friends.

But don’t come to the US to escape. I have a better idea - have someone buy a ticket for the creep, and send him here to Kansas City. Old Aunt Una and her friends will take him hunting[sup]1[/sup]… :smiley:

[sub]1) “What’s that? You think you shot it? Why don’t y’all run out into our line of fire and check, OK Sparky?”[/sub]

54

((((Anthracite))))
Well it is Boxing Day and I managed to make it through Christmas so everything looks a bit brighter today.

Police aren’t involved due to a couple of things - I tried to go to them once and was treated like a childish imbecile. They made me feel like I was to blame. I know not all of them are like that but it is hard to dissassociate from the experience. Also my ex’s dad is rather important in law enforcement services (or at least used to be) and he used to brag about what his dad got him out of, so I guess I am a little wary on that front as well.

As for friends - like dpr and others, well I don’t want to worry them. It is not their mess to be cleaning up and I don’t want them constantly fretting if I am not with them or alone in the house etc etc (which is what they would do). I just feel it would be too stressful on them. Also it is not the easiest thing in the world to talk about either. A good friend knows and he has been a great help but I don’t want it to be general knowledge.

55

Cheer up. Maybe they aren’t that special after all, at least after a certain age. I haven’t been really thrilled since I was maybe 8. Sure there’s lots of relatives and food, but it seems like they ignore me or say the same old small talk. I’m really enjoy the “lesser” holidays more now, like spring break and St. Patrick’s day. Those always hold surprises.

56

Good morning, wyld, lovey. Hope your morning looks a bit brighter. I’m still hanging in there myself, so perhaps today will be better for both of us. Many hugs and one big SMOOCH for you today. :slight_smile:

57

Thank you to everyone who has posted (and emailed) their advice on this. You have not only managed to make my Christmas much happier but have helped me to put most events back into perspective and given the sound advice that I should have been giving myself.

I appreciate you all taking the time out of your Christmas to provide the support I so badly needed.

Well - I will definately be doing something about the situation now and hopefully it will all be cleared up a.s.a.p. Will let you all know.

((((((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))

You are very special people.

Mods? Would you be able to close this thread now? It has served its purpose beyond expectations and I would like to move onto happier thoughts. Thanks guys.

58

Before this thread is closed, I just want to suggest something about these friends you don’t want to bother. If this person does catch up to you, your friends would very likely say, “I wish I’d known…I could have helped.” Don’t be so sure that it would “bother” them.

59

Please be aware that this person does not love you. You “ruined his life” because he thought he had found an easy mark - someone who would accept his abuse without question, or at least without actively fighting it.

Abusers learn early in life that abuse will make other people do what they want. They learn this from both witnessing and experiencing abuse, then practicing it themselves. Once they have this behavior ingrained, if the current level of abuse doesn’t get them what they want, they will simply become more abusive rather than seek other methods of handling the situation.

You aren’t “running away” - you are protecting yourself. However, I can completely understand your frustration.

While I realize this is a painful subject for you, you should NOT be hiding this from your friends. I cannot stress this enough: * you are not responsible for this persons actions.* By hiding this from your friends, you are encouraging yourself to believe that you’ve done something wrong - and you have done nothing wrong. No one is going to fault you for letting this jerk interfere with your holiday or blame you for the bruises and scars this person has inflicted on you.

Abuse does not shame the victim, only the abuser.
(BTW, I want to apologize if I have repeated anything that others have said. I read the thread when I first started this post, but it has taken a long time for me to write it and I’m not going to re-read the thread when I’ve put so much work into my post)

60

wyld, am glad that you had a nice xmas and are having a good boxing day. Do keep us updated even if it is via email so that dpr doesn’t find out when he gets back.