[QUOTE=Scissorjack]
The OP works much better if you read it aloud in a Smoove B voice.
[/QUOTE]
Ha!
rereading post
I have nothing to add other than that, dude, take the hint and go find yourself a different girl. Girls that are actually into you in a big way will wrestle bears to get to you, if necessary.
Joazito, your profile says you are a computer engineering student, so I’ll try to put this in school terms.
You are her “safety school.”
You are the fallback, the “buddy,” the someone she hangs out with when she doesn’t have a date and her best girlfriend is busy. You are the person she takes to events when she doesn’t want to go alone.
She likes you. She’s happy to have a friend like you. She can talk to you for hours about all sorts of things.
And that’s as far as it goes. She isn’t “trying to protect herself from her own feelings.” Those ARE her feelings.
But since what you want is some encouragement, some reason to hope, here’s what you must do. Tell her how you feel. Tell her your feelings for her are too romantic, too all-encompassing to be just the boy she messages a gazillion times a day. Tell her you are ready for a real, honest relationship.
I won’t say you’ll get the reaction you want. But I will say whatever reaction you get will be better than asking a message board for advice.
[QUOTE=velvetjones]
Well, the IM-ing you a “gazillion” times a day does seem to contradict the “let’s just be friends” line. I can understand your confusion.
[/QUOTE]
He’s got the right to be confused. Why the hell is she constantly IM’ing him if she’s not interested? I seriously doubt joazito is giving off the “I’m okay with being just your friend forever” vibe, so doing this is only toying with him and giving him false hope. The proper way to show you’re not interested is to not speak to him for three years. Or maybe that’s just me… Seriously, though, if she isn’t conflicted, she’s probably not a very nice person.
Um. Maybe she’s just likes comminucating via IM? Maybe she’s naturally flirty? Maybe she just wants a friend anyway? Maybe she isn’t “Hot to trot” because, dammit, she just doesn’t want to do that right now?
I recommend: communicate with her, tell her what you’re thinking, but don’t do anything unless you really don’t want to associate with her as a friend. Don’t be pushy. Don’t play dumbass mindgames like refusing to answer her IMs.
Unless, of course, all you’re after is sex, in which case just be honest and tell her that you don’t care about her as a person, and she can react accordingly.
(Great cheese, must it always be about, and only be about, sex?)
[QUOTE=bobkitty]
and would also like to add that I’m glad that you’ve moved on from this rude excuse for a SO.
[/QUOTE]
Amen, brother. Amen.
I actually talked to that rude excuse for a person (I liked the words. I’m making them mine) today, and I’m totally over it. And really, I can see clearly now that she just has some short circuits in the wrong areas of the brain… I feel sorry for her current boyfriend and, more importantly, her son. But hell, that’s not my problem anymore.
To add something to the current events… I talked to her employers (she’s a bartender, they work there too) and she is hurt from a recent relationship with someone who cheated on her. Apparently they had been dating for 2+ years. Men are slimeballs, aren’t they? (of corse, my above mentioned REFA SO also cheated on me late in the relationship… doesn’t affect me anymore. HER treason doesn’t affect me, not TREASON in general… I have a big problem with cheating.)
I know I should probably leaver her alone, but I’m having too much fun right now just “being friends” with her. I mean really, it’s taken all the pressure from me and I can now just be myself around her not having a care in the world that I should try to take things to the next step. I’m flirty, and that’s it. I went to talk to her today… and the bunch at the place she bartends, that’s how I found out about the previous relationship… and just sat there reading the newspaper. Eventually, she came to me… that was nice.
She wants to do movies with me. She mentioned “Cats” was showing, and she is sorry to miss it again. I told her “that’s what I want to see. Cats.”. She replied “I can’t, I have to work”. I said: “I’m going to do 3 things: Buy 2 tickets. Ask permission from your boss to excuse you. And invite you.”
“I won’t go. I can’t.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still doing those things. If you then don’t want to come, you’re free to do so”.
“I’m telling you I won’t go. I […]”
Well, 3 hours later, I did the first 2 of those things :). I’ll ask her tomorrow. Damn, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, I’ve never been so romantic my whole live… I hope I don’t spoil her!
And to those who think I’m a psycho, I really meant it when I said it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t go. I would like her to, but I’m just happy with myself for having done this thing… I think I’m falling in love with me! And let me tell you, it’s not everyday that I feel good about myself.
What else can I tell you… oh yeah, I think the people who work at the bar with her are all routing for me. Since they talk all day, I’m guessing they sense (or know?) that it’s not simply a pipedream of mine.
And to conclude… someone said I shouldn’t be bitchhing about this stuff in a message board. But I have to tell you, it really helped me sort out my mind. By having to defend myself, I saw things more clearly in my head. Well, a more correct way to put it is “I constructed a more coherent theory”. For that I thank everyone who participated.
I’ll post updates.
[QUOTE=joazito]
She wants to do movies with me. She mentioned “Cats” was showing, and she is sorry to miss it again. I told her “that’s what I want to see. Cats.”. She replied “I can’t, I have to work”. I said: “I’m going to do 3 things: Buy 2 tickets. Ask permission from your boss to excuse you. And invite you.”
“I won’t go. I can’t.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still doing those things. If you then don’t want to come, you’re free to do so”.
“I’m telling you I won’t go. I […]”
Well, 3 hours later, I did the first 2 of those things :). I’ll ask her tomorrow. Damn, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, I’ve never been so romantic my whole live… I hope I don’t spoil her!
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=cerberus]
The problem is that the “romantic movies” are basically written as “Stalker Male” gets “Severely Dysfunctional Female” writ large.
In real life, NO means NO, and “let’s just be friends” means “LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS”.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Scissorjack]
I think you will be one lucky guy if you escape a restraining order, if you carry on this way.
[/QUOTE]
It’s kind of like watching a landslide heading for the village at the bottom of the mountain, isn’t it, folks?
Oh, one other thing.
[QUOTE=joazito]
I talked to her employers (she’s a bartender, they work there too) and she is hurt from a recent relationship with someone who cheated on her.
[/QUOTE]
You just doubled your score on the Stalk-O-Meter.
[QUOTE=joazito]
To add something to the current events… I talked to her employers (she’s a bartender, they work there too) and she is hurt from a recent relationship with someone who cheated on her.
[/QUOTE]
My creep-o-meter is showing all needles in the red: what’s next, inveigling her phone number from someone and calling at 3am to breathe heavily?
Well, as long as you’re happy stalking her at work, how she feels doesn’t really matter, does it? Yes, you should leave her alone, and not for the sake of your well-being, either.
What part of “no” do you not understand? If she says she can’t go and gives you a perfectly valid reason - which, for the record, she is not obliged to do - that’s the end of it. You may think that’s a grand romantic gesture that can’t fail to win her heart, but that shit’s only in movies: in real life you may just get the cops called on you.
[QUOTE=joazito]
I said: “I’m going to do 3 things: Buy 2 tickets. Ask permission from your boss to excuse you. And invite you.”
“I won’t go. I can’t.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still doing those things. If you then don’t want to come, you’re free to do so”.
“I’m telling you I won’t go. I […]”
Well, 3 hours later, I did the first 2 of those things 
[/QUOTE]
Oh no.
Well, at least this disaster is fairly entertaining from my armchair point-of-view.
Hi, my name is LittleMermaid and I keep my heart under tight lock and key.
Phew, now that that is off my chest I feel better. I am much like the girl in the OP, I have been known to use the line, lets just be friends, just to guard my heart. It is so much easier to lose contact with someone who never knew you liked them then to see someone you dated walk out of your life. If my boyfriend would have gave up the first time I told him he was crazy for asking me out I would not be as happy as I am now, but it just took some time. The first time he asked me out I literally told him he was crazy. After continued talking to him, and him randomly asking me out again, I realized that he was serious and I took the risk. Now when I comment “We have been dating for 6 months” he always jokingly tells me “It could have been longer”.
Maybe I am the only crazy girl like that on this earth but after the way I have been treated a guy must prove to me that they are serious before I am willing to even unlock the first lock on my heart. If you are certain about how she feels then keep going for it. The only thing I can recommend to you is this, if you are serious about her give her time, and space.
Hope all goes well.
~LittleMermaid
I may be jumping to conclusions, but having lived vicariously through my godfather’s …interesting experiences and also observed those around me, this girl seems a bit off to me. By off, I mean; she may very well be telling the truth in saying that she just wants to be friends at this point in time but the constant communication and cutesy thing indicates to me that she wants the love and attention of having a boyfriend without having to do anything for it. And you’re giving it to her. Someone else mentioned the right plan of action; don’t respond to the text messages for a while. Give yourself time to think about how much you actually like her. If you go for two weeks without establishing contact with her or responding to texts and she starts kicking up a fuss tell her that you’re ‘just friends right?’ and you have other friends and you can’t always respond to every text message she sends just because she’s bored. In fact, I think you’re both downright creepy; you for believing that no means yes and her for sending you all types of messages.
I get quite annoyed when guys say ‘she doesn’t mean let’s just be friends, girls send mixed messages all the time!’ because one; I’m one of the few girls who means what they say - if I tell you I just want to be friends and no, this is not a date, don’t try and kiss me, I damn well mean it! I have a boyfriend and I love him and I am not interested in you in that way.
I get damn annoyed at my peers who jerk guys around too, I’ve stepped away from friendships because I couldn’t stand how they treated the opposite sex, regardless of their own gender. Too many people think these days ‘Oh I can change their mind, I just have to show them how much I care!’
The fact that this girl said you had a relationship doesn’t mean jack, IMHO - it’s just another way to grab your attention and keep it.
[QUOTE=joazito]
She wants to do movies with me. She mentioned “Cats” was showing, and she is sorry to miss it again. I told her “that’s what I want to see. Cats.”. She replied “I can’t, I have to work”. I said: “I’m going to do 3 things: Buy 2 tickets. Ask permission from your boss to excuse you. And invite you.”
“I won’t go. I can’t.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still doing those things. If you then don’t want to come, you’re free to do so”.
“I’m telling you I won’t go. I […]”
Well, 3 hours later, I did the first 2 of those things :). I’ll ask her tomorrow. Damn, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, I’ve never been so romantic my whole live… I hope I don’t spoil her!
[/QUOTE]
Wow. I really hope this girl likes you. Otherwise your’re officially her stalker. Phoning her work when she already said she couldn’t go? I’d think it was strange if my fiance did that. Never mind a friend.
In light of AngelicGemma’s observation you have been upgraded to definitely really freaking creepy. Leave the girl alone.
[QUOTE=AngelicGemma]
Wow. I really hope this girl likes you. Otherwise your’re officially her stalker. Phoning her work when she already said she couldn’t go? I’d think it was strange if my fiance did that. Never mind a friend.
[/QUOTE]
Phoning? What phoning? And when he talked with her bosses, she was around, it was in a social context!
My god, according to you guys, every single person I went to high school with was a stalker! Oh wait, the stupid ones weren’t I guess… “the stupid ones” being those who didn’t check around on somebody’s history and habits before deciding whether they were interested or not 
We used to time public necking - a guy who’d never been seen necking was fine; one who’d been seen several times but it never had gone beyond 5min was assumed to have some kind of problem (next step: talk with any of the girls involved); one who’d been timed above 15’ had an invisible line of girls at his door 
I understand the guys did pretty much the same re us 
So long as both parts play the same game it’s ok, the problem is when each side has a set of rules.
And:
SHE HAS NOT SAID NO. She’s said “just friends, ok?” And friends do take you to a movie.
You guys suck at analysing what I write. I had more faith in you.
First of all, I do wish you had a bit more faith in me. I’m not a stalker, I’m hardly creepy, and in fact I’m one of the nicest guys I’ve met. Then I wished you were better at understanding subtle things I write and, combined with the belief that I’m not the abovementioned things, taking a hint from “the way” I’m writing you info. Geez, you’ve been pretty much all sucking at getting the right things from what I write. There is more to a text (at least in my messages) than what’s in the surface, you should try looking deeper… I think most what I wanted to convey in my messages in this thread is there for you to pick up on, but you just focus on the most immediate message and skip the subtle details… the “why did he frase it this way” bit… Third, I didn’t want to do this, but I’ll explain everything bettter. But I really think I shouldn’t have to, it was there for you to see… if you just had some faith in me.
Anyway so on to defending myself again. Or burying me deeper. Whatever, it’s the truth and you can accept that I’m a nice (I’m a freaking angel) guy or you can continue seeing me like a creep stalker all over. For those who remain convinced of the latter, I’ll give up on trying to explain things to you. You’re just not ready for believing them. Unless you specifically have something needing explaning.
Well in all fairness, I did leave out some details that might be very relevent to you thinking I’m a creep. Maybe I was expecting too much a leep of faith in believing me that I thought those weren’t important. Ok guys, you all get a second chance of me explaining things.
So let’s start:
"Phoning her work when she already said she couldn’t go? " -> Her boss likes me. Last monday she arranjed for me to give her a lift home (her suggestion). So when I said “I’m going to ask permission from your boss”, It was no big deal. And certainly not a stalker thing.
[the she doesn’t want me to be “stalky” comments] → yesterday, when I arrived at the joint (BTW, I’m not sure what to call it. It’s not a bar, it’s a daily coffee shop kind of thing… with kids and everything), after I pointed out that after a couple of minutes at the bar no one had asked me what I was having, she replied “that’s because I want you to hang around more time…”. See??? I’M NOT CREEPING THIS GIRL OUT OF HER SENSES! She actually thinks I’m not spending ENOUGH TIME around her. I guess that takes care of the stalker comments. Ah, wait, one more…
all the creepy stuff about this line: “I talked to her employers (she’s a bartender, they work there too) and she is hurt from a recent relationship with someone who cheated on her.” -> I didn’t even directly ask this out of the blue like a true creep. It just so happens I engaged in conversation with one the bosses (not even the one I refered above) and, well probably because I care, the conversation eventually went on to “so what do you think of [girl in question]?”. And she told me that. DOES THIS STILL SOUND CREEPY TO ANYONE? We also talked about cheating, her kid playing soccer, and whatever else.
What part of “no” do you not understand? If she says she can’t go and gives you a perfectly valid reason - which, for the record, she is not obliged to do - that’s the end of it. You may think that’s a grand romantic gesture that can’t fail to win her heart, but that shit’s only in movies: in real life you may just get the cops called on you. → have a little faith in romance… besides, like I said, I’m not offended if she doesn’t go. I just like the gesture of offering it to her this way.
**
For everyone who still doesn’t see me as a stalker, thank you**. You’re the reason I’m smiling as I type this. 
In addition to being awesome (according to you), you’re humble too!
Well, you know what they say… “I used to be too conceited, now I’m just perfect!”
Joazito, in defense of the “stalker” people, the cultural subtext is completely different, so it’s natural for them to read it wrong, ok?
Think of this:
in American movies, grooms are always being shown entering the house with their bride in arms. A guy carrying a woman in his arms for whatever reason is seen as terribly, terribly romaaaaaaantic (anybody have some bright red satin hearts with too-sugary slogans printed in pink left over from last St Valentine’s? I need to borrow a few, thank)
Here, any guy who tried to carry in his arms a woman who didn’t have a fractured ankle would be at serious physical risk, both from her and from any other human being who heard her yells.
The other day in the bus, the movie showed a scene where the male lead was carrying the female lead. The whole bus groaned. A guy turned to his wife and said “c’mon, you mean you don’t like it?” and she answered “you try that, I’m filing for divorce!” general laughter
It’s a small world and we all eat Four Seasons Rice. But the recipe changes with country and region and that’s where you get bitten.
[QUOTE=joazito]
First of all, I do wish you had a bit more faith in me. I’m not a stalker, I’m hardly creepy, and in fact I’m one of the nicest guys I’ve met. Then I wished you were better at understanding subtle things I write and, combined with the belief that I’m not the abovementioned things, taking a hint from “the way” I’m writing you info. Geez, you’ve been pretty much all sucking at getting the right things from what I write. There is more to a text (at least in my messages) than what’s in the surface, you should try looking deeper… etc etc ad nauseam
[/QUOTE]
Alas, we were not all blessed with your gift of gazing into others’ souls and intuiting their true intentions and feelings: this is an internet message board, not the fucking Psychic Friends Hotline. All I’ve got to judge you on is your raving egotism, your disturbing insistence that only you can divine this girl’s thoughts despite her professed disinterest in you, and some damned creepy behaviour like snooping around her private life and harassing her to go out with you: based on that, I think I’m justified in concluding that you’ve got some real issues about this woman that need to be dealt with, preferably at a safe distance from her.
[QUOTE=Nava]
And:
SHE HAS NOT SAID NO. She’s said “just friends, ok?” And friends do take you to a movie.
[/QUOTE]
Bullshit-when friends say, “No, I can’t go, I’m busy,” you accept that. When friends say they just want to remain friends, you don’t keep trying to push them to take the relationship further. You respect that what she says is what she means.
That is NOT freaking romantic. Being a pest != romance.
Look, she KNOWS how you feel, okay? Now give her some space. If she really likes you, it’ll happen. If not, well, then, it sucks but that’s life.
[QUOTE=Nava]
Phoning? What phoning? And when he talked with her bosses, she was around, it was in a social context!
[/QUOTE]
It could have been by fax for all the difference it makes. It’s still creepy.
[QUOTE=Nava]
Joazito, in defense of the “stalker” people, the cultural subtext is completely different, so it’s natural for them to read it wrong, ok?
[/QUOTE]
joazito sounds pretty creepy to my American ears. On the other hand, I’ve always thought** Nava** had a pretty level head. If she thinks we can chalk this one up to a culture difference, I’m at least willing to consider that.
pulls up a chair