[QUOTE=begbert2]
Um. Maybe she’s just likes comminucating via IM? Maybe she’s naturally flirty? Maybe she just wants a friend anyway? Maybe she isn’t “Hot to trot” because, dammit, she just doesn’t want to do that right now?
I recommend: communicate with her, tell her what you’re thinking, but don’t do anything unless you really don’t want to associate with her as a friend. Don’t be pushy. Don’t play dumbass mindgames like refusing to answer her IMs.
Unless, of course, all you’re after is sex, in which case just be honest and tell her that you don’t care about her as a person, and she can react accordingly.
(Great cheese, must it always be about, and only be about, sex?)
[/QUOTE]
Um, because it’s never just about sex. You don’t see guys get all stupid about women unless they have an emotional as well as a physical attraction to them. And because there’s a word for people you care about but don’t have sex with: friends. There’s always somebody who pops into these threads with the “what about just being her friend” crap. If I’m looking for a girlfriend, I’m not looking for a friend. Got plenty of those, thanks.
If I haven’t had sex with her and will not have a chance to have sex with her in the fairly near future, she’s not ever going to be called my “girlfriend.” Sex is part of the relationship package. While there may be sexless relationships and marriages, those are far statistical outliers, and those scattered points do not include me.
I’ve had a few women give me the “let’s just be friends” line. When I was young and stupid, I was unfortunately a lot like joazito sometimes (more self-destructive rumination, less intrusion) and I let them get away with shit that I wouldn’t put up with now. I’ve had many female friends, even attractive ones, but if there’s a strong emotional attachment and attraction on my part, there’s going to be a huge imbalance between what I want from her in our relationship and what I’m actually getting. You can feel free to torture yourself with the lack while attempting to console yourself with “caring about her as a person.” I like a little less anguish in my life.
If I want a real relationship, I’m not going to be an emotional crutch, I’m not going to answer 50 billion messages, I’m not going to be there at her beck and call, because all of those are things that benefit only her and don’t benefit me in any way. Healthy relationships are about reciprocity. If I want hot monkey sex and cuddling while watching DVDs, and she wants someone to listen about how her boyfriend’s huge cock makes it painful for them to have sex (and by the way, he’s such an abusive jerk to her) where’s the benefit for me? Why should I give her everything and receive nothing?
I’m just glad I matured enough to stop being “emotional kotex” (thanks, FriarTed for that phrase) and had much better, more satisfying, and longer-lasting friendships and relationships as a result.
joazito, dude, if you’re actually getting somewhere with her, congratulations. If she starts to jerk you around again GET THE HELL OUT. I wasted close to a year, combined, pining over two different girls who genuinely didn’t know what they wanted and who I was desperately infatuated with. It’s never worth it. It’s the worst agony of your life at the time, it’s even more painful when it finally ends, and worse, you feel like a fool later on when you realize what a doormat you were.
Ending a bad relationship — especially one that is mostly one-way — is like cutting off a gangrenous limb. It hurts like hell, but biding your time just makes it worse as the infection spreads, and you’re going to lose the damn thing anyway. Might as well do it when you only have to chop of your metaphorical wrist rather than wait until you have to lose the whole arm.
If you choose to end the relationship, tell her why and then don’t contact her again. Don’t reply to any further messages. Don’t talk to her. Don’t see her. Any contact just makes it harder to move on and stop hurting.
