joazito, regardless of what has happened, and what other people think, you are still in the same boat you were in when you started this thread. You still want to be with her romantically and she wants to be friends. Until you get the discussion with her of your relationship status out of the way, you will still be in that same situation. Otherwise you will end up in a boat load of heartache and pain over a relationship that was never going to happen. Better to find out now and cut your losses if she really is not interested in more. The time is better spent on finding somone else with the same goals and interests.
Oh… when (and if) you have this conversation with her, respect her wishes if she REALLY doesn’t want more.
I realised today I think I expressed myself not very clearly in the very first post of this thread, and that a bit of your feelings toward me might stem from that. Only a bit, but it may make some difference.
When I wrote this:
…I meant to say that she said something like “let’s be friends, and we’ll see”. That was, paraphrased, what she said. The part about the words not being promising just meant that she phrased it a bit less promissingly than that, but that was what she said.
Now that I think about it, she was pretty correct in saying it too. But I’ll stop explaning what I think here or you’ll acuse me of reading people’s minds again (but I do… lately, at least).
So today, with a couple of tickets in one hand and the show flier in the other, I went to the place she works again. Actually I decided to slip the tickets inside the flier so she would find them when she wasn’t expecting them.
As usually I greeted the staff, talked a bit with them, after that I approached my… er… “stalkee” (hey, you gotta laugh about it… :)) and asked her to sit with me for a sec (also asked one of the owners to join us). I showed her the flier… after 2 seconds she found the tickets and her eyes lit up. She said something like “oh I don’t believe this…”. Without missing a beat, I told the owner to confirm that they would be OK with her missing some working hours to attend the show. She nodded affirmatively. Her reaction was “Oh so you’re all in on this?”. Ah, this was going on so well…
At this point she tells me she isn’t going. That was ok, like I said, no biggie. I was very much happy just setting the whole thing up… I said “well ok, but if that’s the case I can’t give you a ride home after the blood thingy, as I’ll be attending the show”.
Anyway, I wanted to ask her officially, I mean uttering the words to invite her, and I hadn’t done that yet. Of course she was invited, she had the tickets in her hand for the show that 2 days early I had told her I would invite her to (you know that, it’s all in a post above somewhere). It went like this: “would you like, Saturday evening, to go with me see the show ‘Cats’?”. She didn’t say a word… she was smiling the whole time, with an incredolous frown in her face (I hope I said that right, not being a native speaker is tough)… the owner was trying to convince her to go, I stopped her and told her it was her decision, let she not go if she doesn’t want to… and then she says while looking at the flier “Well, at least I’m going to see it with Portuguese subtitles…”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhahahahhahhaha beautiful! With that sentence, she had just said she was going. I didn’t even ask her if that meant she was going, it was so clear it did… I just smiled and smiled and smiled, laughed of sheer joy of things coming together, felt real pleasure in it all… and said “I’ll pick you up on Saturday, we’re having lunch near the blood thingy and then it’s off to ‘Cats’”. She agreed, also smilingly… Said out loud “This man does not exist” Aaaah, I couldn’t be happier… I then kissed everyone goodbye and left. This was just too perfect. Aaaahh…
LOL (I know you don’t lol in here, but I have to…)
Well, that’s certainly a theory. But I do garantee you that what you have above is 100% the truth, maybe not the whole truth but certainly what I could condense in the most informative manner possible to express myself. So, with you, that makes 2 people who seem to have trouble believing that I do exist…
Oh god I’m just loving life right now. And what I would like to tell you all about it (about this last god sentence… and I’m not into that "G"od thingy) would fill another very long thread. It would be about believing in yourself, I guess. And the girl this thread is all about only plays a very small part in that other, probably never-existing, thread.
[ul]
[li]Grandiose sense of one’s own abilities or achievements [/li]Check.
[li]Fantasies about having exceptional power, attractiveness or success[/li]Basically, check.
[li]Sense of belonging to an exclusive group of people who truly understand each other [/li]Check.
[li]Need for constant praise[/li]Check.
[li]Expectations of special treatment[/li]Check.
[li]Exploitation of other people[/li]Check.
[li]Lack of empathy for other people[/li]Check.
[li]Envy of other people or a belief that you are the subject of other people’s envy [/li]Major check.
[li]Haughty or arrogant behaviors[/li]Talk about check.
[/ul]
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve got a live textbook case on our hands. I make a motion that we donate joazito to science. All in favor?
Um, because it’s never just about sex. You don’t see guys get all stupid about women unless they have an emotional as well as a physical attraction to them. And because there’s a word for people you care about but don’t have sex with: friends. There’s always somebody who pops into these threads with the “what about just being her friend” crap. If I’m looking for a girlfriend, I’m not looking for a friend. Got plenty of those, thanks.
If I haven’t had sex with her and will not have a chance to have sex with her in the fairly near future, she’s not ever going to be called my “girlfriend.” Sex is part of the relationship package. While there may be sexless relationships and marriages, those are far statistical outliers, and those scattered points do not include me.
I’ve had a few women give me the “let’s just be friends” line. When I was young and stupid, I was unfortunately a lot like joazito sometimes (more self-destructive rumination, less intrusion) and I let them get away with shit that I wouldn’t put up with now. I’ve had many female friends, even attractive ones, but if there’s a strong emotional attachment and attraction on my part, there’s going to be a huge imbalance between what I want from her in our relationship and what I’m actually getting. You can feel free to torture yourself with the lack while attempting to console yourself with “caring about her as a person.” I like a little less anguish in my life.
If I want a real relationship, I’m not going to be an emotional crutch, I’m not going to answer 50 billion messages, I’m not going to be there at her beck and call, because all of those are things that benefit only her and don’t benefit me in any way. Healthy relationships are about reciprocity. If I want hot monkey sex and cuddling while watching DVDs, and she wants someone to listen about how her boyfriend’s huge cock makes it painful for them to have sex (and by the way, he’s such an abusive jerk to her) where’s the benefit for me? Why should I give her everything and receive nothing?
I’m just glad I matured enough to stop being “emotional kotex” (thanks, FriarTed for that phrase) and had much better, more satisfying, and longer-lasting friendships and relationships as a result.
joazito, dude, if you’re actually getting somewhere with her, congratulations. If she starts to jerk you around again GET THE HELL OUT. I wasted close to a year, combined, pining over two different girls who genuinely didn’t know what they wanted and who I was desperately infatuated with. It’s never worth it. It’s the worst agony of your life at the time, it’s even more painful when it finally ends, and worse, you feel like a fool later on when you realize what a doormat you were.
Ending a bad relationship — especially one that is mostly one-way — is like cutting off a gangrenous limb. It hurts like hell, but biding your time just makes it worse as the infection spreads, and you’re going to lose the damn thing anyway. Might as well do it when you only have to chop of your metaphorical wrist rather than wait until you have to lose the whole arm.
If you choose to end the relationship, tell her why and then don’t contact her again. Don’t reply to any further messages. Don’t talk to her. Don’t see her. Any contact just makes it harder to move on and stop hurting.
No, youre not, which is incredibly unfortunate for those of us who like a girl but dont like to have to act like creepy stalkers to figure out whether they reciprocate, more unfortunate for girls who have to put up with men acting that way because of women like you.
well I am guilty of some of those sintoms, not all of them tough. I won’t mind going into detail about all of those things, but I know that pretty much those that already understand me don’t need me explaining it further and those that still think I’m creepy won’t understand no matter what I do. If someone really wishes me to unswer them and have an open mind about it, I’ll be glad to.
Oh, and I’m still maturing… A LOT lately… so yeah probably I have some not-very-good attitudes that need working on… but still, it’s nothing like what you think I have. Or something.
I’d like to see Nava weigh in on this in case there are some cultural issues that I’m missing, but my interpretation is - you asked her out on a “first date,” after having bought two (probably pricey) theater tickets after she had said she was unable to attend (yes, yes, due to work and that was taken care of when you went behind her back with her boss), in front of her whole office and boss. Maybe it’s just me but in her place, even if I liked you I’d still want to just sink through the floor in complete embarrassment. And if I didn’t and I were shy (which I often am) like this girl might be - I can see how she’d be too flustered to say no.
Anyway, I do wish you luck, but wow, talk about a way to put a gal on the spot.
Well… that’s almost totally right… a few minor corrections:
I’m not thinking of it as a date, I’m thinking of talking a (girl) friend to the theater. I know she might like it/me, I know it may lead to romance, but hey she said friends I’m thinking friends. Actually, I’m thinking she might not like us to remain (only) friends much longer… but that’s my wishful thinking.
The tickets thankfully didn’t cost anything, thank og as yes they would be pricey. A friend of mine got me invites (but I didn’t know it when I planned it).
Yes, she was a bit embarrassed, that was intentional. But, my theory is, she likes it… because she likes me and is being… what’s the word… wooed? It’s romantic and not very common nowadays (maybe I’m wrong, I hope I am).
I didn’t try to pressure into saying yes, honest, I just invited her… and if you read what I wrote above, she didn’t “give in” after some tormenting asking, she spontaneously said she would go when no one was even talking at her. Well, you had to be there to see it, but that’s what happened from my point of view.
I now realise I’m asking you to take a pretty good plunge in believing me… well, even though I’m a charter member, I don’t post much and you don’t know me that well. Maybe if I hang around more (and I do love it here) you’ll get to know me and… well… accept that I really am this… what word to use… “nice”? And unusual. And harmless. And… Oh hell, maybe I can really introduce myself to you in another thread. I’m thinking “Ask the guy who believes his weird behaviours are not stalky but beautiful”. Hmm, needs some work…
Thanks. And yeah, I know. I believe it will be a memorable (in a good way) experience for her.
I think she likes you. I think she flirts a little.
I think she wants you to be her gay friend. The fact that you don’t happen to be gay, is a glitch.
A boy who’ll always take your calls, one who doesn’t mind if you flitter around. You can stand him up and he’ll understand. You can get him to pick up your drycleaning and walk your dog.
The best part, is you don’t have to have sex with him, because, he’s gay.
Just a thought.
I have no doubt that she likes you, though if you keep the stalker crap up that will change. She likes having a guy pay attention to her, even though she wouldnt fuck you with someone elses pussy and a foley artist to do the moaning for her.
well I am guilty of some of those sintoms, not all of them tough. I won’t mind going into detail about all of those things, but I know that pretty much those that already understand me don’t need me explaining it further and those that still think I’m creepy won’t understand no matter what I do. If someone really wishes me to unswer them and have an open mind about it, I’ll be glad to.