Why People Don't Want to Date You

[TruCelt]

@HazelNutCoffee

Well, the same goes for boyfriends too. No one wants to date a know-it-all.

Changing my answer. Overweight, exhausted single Mom AND insufferable know-it-all here.

Seriously, I’ve had quite a few friends set me up with guys who constantly bemoaned their inability to find an intelligent woman. Trouble was, what they were really looking for was a woman who would get their jokes and be impressed by their wit. They were essentially smart but intellectually lazy guys who were completely turned off by an intellectual woman.

And yes, I think I’m smart. I read scientific journals for fun, and I’m looking for a man who wants to discuss theory and politics intelligently.

Yeah, I’m screwed.

[Dolly_Madison]

@TruCelt

Changing my answer. Overweight, exhausted single Mom AND insufferable know-it-all here.

Seriously, I’ve had quite a few friends set me up with guys who constantly bemoaned their inability to find an intelligent woman. Trouble was, what they were really looking for was a woman who would get their jokes and be impressed by their wit. They were essentially smart but intellectually lazy guys who were completely turned off by an intellectual woman.

And yes, I think I’m smart. I read scientific journals for fun, and I’m looking for a man who wants to discuss theory and politics intelligently.

Yeah, I’m screwed.

or not screwed, as it were.

[Dolly_Madison]

@CanvasShoes

I can’t speak for the others but pre-fat (not slim, I’ve always been really curvy), even into my 40s, I had to beat them off with a stick. I am one of those that can’t pull of any sort of prettiness being fat (a little chubby yes, out and out fat? no), it changes my face into something hideous, so it’s not as if I look cute, but chubby, I just look ugly.

I am fairly certain that the fat isn’t affecting my personality or making me exhibit any sort of “desperation” or sadsack attitude either, I’m a really cheerful, fairly non-shy person and I tend to do okay in social situations. Nothing’s changed but the packaging.

Sing it sista. Its funny how the bigger you get, the more invisible you are.
In my case I also “let myself go” but it wasn’t intentional (well, as unintentional as something like that can be). And like you have mentioned, I was not a “fat but pretty” girl; the fat actually skewed my facial features and made me stunningly ugly. It has only been in the last 2 years that ive dropped 80 lbs, and, although I plan to drop another 50, my facial features have finally “normalized”. I still don’t date though, but that has to do with behaviors I developed when I was fat that created an avoidance scheme that I still need to break out of……

[TruCelt]

@Dolly_Madison

or not screwed, as it were.

LOL! It’s all good. I don’t really have time to offer anyone now anyway.

[Jaledin]

I’m in my early-mid 30s, but I look older, like late 30s, which is only bad because the places I hang out with tend to be my age or a tiny bit younger. Chain-smoker, bad for some, but I also meet lots of woman hanging out outside. Also a tendency to be verbally cruel if something sets me off, and don’t know or don’t care about most pop music today or most anything on TV, or most movies that come out today.

I’m also not looking to date someone for any length of time, which I think is telegraphed pretty easily through body language, maybe an air of being over-relaxed or even aloof, although conversations are always fine, light-hearted and often lengthy, so it must not be some kind creepy vibe I give off.

[TheMerchandise]

I’m in a relationship now, but during my previous dry spells, there were a few things that kept the fellas away.

I have a very, very dry sense of humor and a lot of people think I’m mocking them when I’m not. But then, sometimes I am. Also, I will sometimes do a complete reverse from my usual behavior and be ridiculous and silly and manic. People who know me well think I’m entertaining, people who don’t think I’m weird.

I also don’t feel a socially-instituted need to do things I don’t want to do. If someone’s annoying, I won’t talk to them. If a party is really loud, I’ll leave. If I’d rather sit at home than go out, I stay home.

And while I am cute, I’m never the cutest in the group of girls I hang out with, so I tend to be overlooked in favor of my friends.
I remember one specific instance where I inadvertently tossed down a red flag. I remember having a lovely chat with a handsome gentleman… and I mentioned goat testicles. As if that’s just a normal, accepted topic to bring up to new people. He made his excuses and left shortly after that gaff. I could put the goat testicles into context, but really, is there an appropriate context for goat testicles?

[running_coach]

@TheMerchandise

I remember one specific instance where I inadvertently tossed down a red flag. I remember having a lovely chat with a handsome gentleman… and I mentioned goat testicles. As if that’s just a normal, accepted topic to bring up to new people. He made his excuses and left shortly after that gaff. I could put the goat testicles into context, but really, is there an appropriate context for goat testicles?

Lunch dish?

[StuffLikeThatThere]

@TheMerchandise

I remember one specific instance where I inadvertently tossed down a red flag. I remember having a lovely chat with a handsome gentleman… and I mentioned goat testicles. As if that’s just a normal, accepted topic to bring up to new people. He made his excuses and left shortly after that gaff. I could put the goat testicles into context, but really, is there an appropriate context for goat testicles?

I dunno. I have a story about goat testicles that I’ve told a number of times. People have found it very entertaining.

[TheMerchandise]

@StuffLikeThatThere

I dunno. I have a story about goat testicles that I’ve told a number of times. People have found it very entertaining.

If you’re that handsome gentleman I was talking to: How dare you steal my goat testicle anecdote!

[Misnomer]

Men don’t want to date me because they aren’t available: the ones I meet are either seeing someone, married, or gay (or all of the above).

When it comes to the few single, straight guys who are around, my weight definitely has something to do with it. But I don’t think it’s so much about thinking they can get someone better-looking as it is about wanting someone who is more active/healthy: I think a lot of guys feel the same about an otherwise-awesome fat chick as they would about a gorgeous smoker. Frankly, I can’t blame them for that.

All of that said, I mostly need to figure out ways to meet more single, straight men: work is full of the married or the way too young; my avocation is jazz singing and there are precious few single, straight men in that world; and right now my favorite people to hang out with are all gay men (who don’t have any eligible friends).

@DiosaBellissima

I’m fat and I get hit on regularly- it’s more about how you carry yourself and put yourself together than your gut, I promise.

That is only true for certain women. I’m glad that you’re one of them.

@Rushgeekgirl

I think saying you’re fat is an excuse.

It would be an excuse for getting 12 cats and just being done with it, but when it comes to why people don’t want to date you being fat is a simple fact.

@Ibanez

But if any women near my age finds out I don’t have a car, I’m suddenly a potential violent freak with a DUI record.

No car doesn’t automatically mean “violent freak with a DUI record” to me ( :dubious: ), it just means that you would never be able to meet me halfway: I would always have to pick you up and do all of the driving. It also tells me that you’re not very interested in going places that need to be driven to, and around here everything of interest has to be driven to.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

@TheMerchandise

If you’re that handsome gentleman I was talking to: How dare you steal my goat testicle anecdote!

Innocent. I’m pretty sure I’ve always been a girl.

[Sunspace]

Speaking of goats, ever heard of an ‘elastrator’? I just drew one for the book I’m illustrating.
twitch
:: wants to run away ::
The author said that most guys react that way upon first hearing of it.

[StuffLikeThatThere]

@Sunspace

Speaking of goats, ever heard of an ‘elastrator’? I just drew one for the book I’m illustrating.
twitch
:: wants to run away ::
The author said that most guys react that way upon first hearing of it.

I own an elastrator, and I know how to use it.

I also own a small herd of cows, so I have a good reason. I know it sounds terrifying, but an elastrator is way easier on the baby bulls than any other method would be. And I do know how to use it, but I’ve never actually had to do it.

[Sunspace]

@StuffLikeThatThere

I own an elastrator, and I know how to use it.

I also own a small herd of cows, so I have a good reason. I know it sounds terrifying, but an elastrator is way easier on the baby bulls than any other method would be. And I do know how to use it, but I’ve never actually had to do it.

“Easier than any other method” does not necessarily mean “easy”. But if it’s the easiest way…

[handsomeharry]

@Slithy_Tove

somebody else shot John Lennon, cock-blocking Jodie Foster until I can come up with a plan B.

Have to say: Not bad.

Best wishes,
hh

[Ponch8]

I’m pretty shy and probably give my dates the impression I’m aloof or just boring. I also have pretty high standards. I won’t consider anyone who’s even a little overweight. This severely cuts down the number of women I’d consider in this country.

[BigT]

I just realized I never actually answered the question: I think it’s because the type of women I find attractive is not who society thinks I should find attractive. To put it in common parlance, I tend to be attracted only to women that are out of my league.

The only reason I’ve even had dates is that I’ve found women who don’t care about the whole league thing. Well, that, and I’m finally being exposed to attractive women who don’t fit my usual type.

[CanvasShoes]

@Dolly_Madison

Sing it sista. Its funny how the bigger you get, the more invisible you are.
In my case I also “let myself go” but it wasn’t intentional (well, as unintentional as something like that can be). And like you have mentioned, I was not a “fat but pretty” girl; the fat actually skewed my facial features and made me stunningly ugly. It has only been in the last 2 years that ive dropped 80 lbs, and, although I plan to drop another 50, my facial features have finally “normalized”. I still don’t date though, but that has to do with behaviors I developed when I was fat that created an avoidance scheme that I still need to break out of……

On the plus side, when I lose enough weight… POOF! Pretty girl returns. And though when I look in the mirror I see the crypt keeper, I almost always get the “what are you [insert approximately 1 decade younger than I am here] years old”?

I’ll bet the same is true of you. This is the year damnit, this is the YEAR!

[Incubus]

I have a theory about some faults thats rather harsh, but hear me out:

I think that the people who ‘cant pick up on signals’ are somewhat selfish/self-absorbed. Now, they probably don’t believe they are, because they aren’t doing anything that they consider selfish. But in the course of dating my fiancee, I’ve certaintly learned things that made me understand (and address) my faults better.

A lot of us (especially us nerds) develop a very deep, intense interest in a hobby. Its our primary activity, we like hanging out with people who share the activity, learning more about it, etc. Some people enjoy it, and enjoy sharing their intrest in it. This leads to monopolizing conversations with people. You spend so much time talking about yourself and what you like and what you are passionate about it kind of eclipses the other person. Many times, if you let the person get a word (or ten) in edgewise, you can actively listen to them and be able to gauge their interest. I know that when I get shy I can’t freaking shut up, I’m like a motormouth, and not surprisingly I won’t be able to remember a damn thing about the other person later.

Active listening is really important. It means asking questions and helping the other person feel engaged. This has two benefits- you make yourself seem more interesting/show empathy, and you really learn a lot about the other person. Purely anecdotal, but I observed a pattern with people who couldn’t pick up on signals- they tended to take things really literally, they had a hard time with sarcasm, or all those millions of stupid little cues we need to know (when you’re lingering at a guests home too long, when you are in someone’s personal space, etc etc).

Another thing about it is shyness. A lot of us are terrified of rejection, maybe we got bullied and developed hang ups about it. I liked online dating because I felt I had a lot less to lose by being bold and assertive- if the woman was offended, splashed her drink in my face and stormed out, no big deal; we don’t really know each other, its not as awkward as dating a friend and having it crash and burn. However, more often than not this confidence and assertiveness paid off. But people that ‘miss signals’ are often afraid to take the risk. They’re afraid to be embarassed or humiliated. They don’t think the person could possibly show interest in them.

To any of those who are shy/socially awkward, I say try and step out of your comfort zone, tell yourself “I don’t care if this backfires horribly”. I don’t wring my hands that I’m gonna get a crappy Big Mac at Mcdonands, and I don’t wring my hands that my date is not going to like me. I think when you can reach this point, you see some positive benefits and it makes it easier and easier to continue to be more confident.

[Zebra]

As usual, John Cusack knows.