I was darn sure, when I opened this thread, that the theory was going to be “lack of self-esteem.” I have known more than one woman who’s stayed in a bad relationship because, as they told me, “I don’t know if I’d find someone else if I left him.” (And, knowing the women I’m thinking of, you could really read that as “I don’t know if I’m good enough for anyone else.”)
I’m not even so sure that it’s a case of women “going” for jerks…it’s kind of hard to know from a first meeting how much of a jerk someone is. We’ve all known people who made a good first impression on us who we later learned to loathe for one reason or another. I think even “committed jerks” fall into that category: putting on a good first impression is simply a matter of survival for them, whether the situation be a first date, a job interview, or a court hearing. If a jerk acted up all the time, they’d lead a pretty dismal life.
FWIW, I think you could provide the same answer for “Why don’t nice guys ever get a date?” When you have low self-esteem, you do tend to act “nice”–you are more likely to agree with people (even if you don’t, really), you provide a “shoulder to cry on” (sometimes just because you just desperately need the attention), etc. It may sound calculating, but, speaking from personal experience, I don’t think it is…again, it’s just a matter of survival in life. Of course, the biggest problem with being a guy with low self-esteem is that you don’t feel any woman will want to go on a date with you, so you don’t ask, or you don’t ask confidently. And that’s why “nice guys” don’t get dates.
Women want by nature the Alpha Male: the most successful of the pack. The Alpha Male exerts Dominance by aggressiveness and superior tactics. The end result of this is Success. Success in a mate ensures prosperity and a good standard of living. Thus the seeming paradox of women who ‘hate’ aggression, but ‘love’ successful men.
So, as a guy, how do you apply this knowledge? Stop chasing women and concentrate on your career. When your bills are all paid and you have a good job and a nice car and you own your own home, women will find you.
(Besides, even if this is crap, my experience is the most guys fail because they try too hard. So… stop trying. Something will happen. What have you got to lose?)
There is also something known in psychology as the Imago theory.
The theory is that one dates someone based on childhood traumas or needs.
I might date someone like my mother to replay and find closure for my relationship with my mother.
Example One:
A recent college prof (and a dang hottie to boot) said her first boyfriend smoked Marlboro Reds and wore Stetson. He was a jerk and stuff, but she really “loved” him. Her father, who died when she was 10, wore Stetson and smoked Marlboro Reds. Plus, she has fond memories of him tucking her into bed at night and she remembers his smell.
Example Two:
I detest my parent’s relationship. I think it is highly dysfuncational and is emotionally destructive. Thus, any woman who exhibits behavior like my mother or father, I flee from. I am resolving my relationship with my parents by running from their behaviors as exhibited by possible lovers.
Thus, women with ATJPD (Attaction to Jerks Personality Disorder) are replaying their childhood traumas with dad or mom to resolve them (according to the Imago theory of attraction).
Most people, men and women alike, are attracted to people who are exciting, fun and sexy.
“Nice” is great, but it ain’t the whole package. That’s the problem with most guys referred to as “nice” – it’s the only thing they’ve got going for them. It will be attractive to some poor girl who just got jerked around by an asshole, but if all you’re being is nice, she’s gonna get bored before long.
I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that the typical person will prefer to be with an exciting, fun and sexy nice person than an exciting, fun sexy jerk.