I’m running in circles. I have been all my life and whenever I think I’m out of it, it catches up to me and bites me in the ass. I’m sick of it. I don’t see the point in life anymore. I used to believe in God, but a couple days ago, I just stopped. It doesn’t make any sense anymore. Why the hell am I here, what the hell is the point. I’m serious, it just doesn’t make any sense. Life sucks, and it always will. There is no such thing as happiness or satisfaction. Life will never be fulfilling. My pain outweighs anything else in my life, and I just don’t want it anymore. Sophomore year I lost all my friends. I don’t know what happened, I just sat at home all the time. I was a very very unhappy and depressed kid. Then Junior year, everybody started to like me and I started to have the best time in my life. It wasn’t perfect, there were bumps in the road that sent me spiraling down, but they came and passed. Things are starting to unravel again, and I just can’t have it anymore.
Everybody in this world is a thief. Everybody. Every action is just selfish. I don’t believe in things like love anymore. Human nature is evil. We can’t escape that. I can’t trust anybody. Anybody at all. Ever since I was in about 8th grade, I always daydreamed, but not about girls or fame, but about living in a cabin all by myslef somewhere. Just be alone, away from everybody. I’ve always wanted to just live alone. I don’t want to put my faith in anybody, because I know that I will just end up getting screwed in the end.
Although I didn’t really read any of the books we were supposed to read in American Lit this passed school year, they all seemed to relate to me. Every single protagonist could never find happiness or satisfaction. Life just sucked, some kept looking, and the others just gave up. In my mind I feel that I shouldn’t be in this world anymore, I just don’t want any part of it. But deep down I obviously have some scrap of hope because, well, I am still here. I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore.
Time sucks, nothing stands still…
Turn off the computer, pick up the phone and call 1-800-suicide right now. As long as you are alive there is hope that tomorrow will be better. Suicide is permanent, depression is not.
Good luck to you.
Honey
And why would you want it to? That’s the best thing about time, IMO. It just keeps ticking away, oblivious to any single being. Things may suck and hurt and confuse you, but the clock’s still ticking, and you’re still breathing, and if you stick it out you’ll eventually end up somewhere completely different from where you are today.
I don’t mean to be condescending, but you sound rather young, and while youth can be a blast what with the lack of mortal responsibilities and all, you pay for that fun with insecurity, confusion, and frustration. The way of life, I’m afraid. It’ll fade, with time.
There’s almost always a friendly ear around here, griffey, and they’ve helped me feel less alone many a time. I’m more than willing to pass the favor on, if you need an ear my e-mail’s in my profile.
Take care.
bella
You have my sympathy, I was in the place where you are now about two weeks ago. Know what helped me through it? I acted really selfishly, called everyone I knew and asked who had time to help me and listen to me complain. Then I posted a self-indulgent thread here which turned into 46 posts of good, supportive people trying to help me find some faith in the world. Out of the 30-odd RL people I called, six said horrible things and degraded me, twenty were just too busy to talk or never got back to me, and four people set up a watch intended to make sure I didn’t harm myself. Two weeks later, I’m still leaning on certain people very heavily, two of the original four having tired but one new person has joined my group… and I spent two weeks trying to understand why certain factors in my life were going so horribly…
I concluded two things. I invited the negativity in my life. Ever heard the theory of psychosomatics? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, and as much as it applies to catching a cold it’s also something that IMHO can affect your entire life. What happens when you expect to lose a job? You stop enjoying being there, you start to dislike your coworkers who don’t deserve to be fired any more or less than you, and things start going wrong. Next thing you know you’re unemployed. Maybe your friends were talking behind your back… it’s always a possibility, and the dirty looks you give them next time you see them will ENSURE it. Those are a few possibilities, but the point is this: if you can learn to believe in yourself, look in the mirror and say “I like me” and know that you aren’t lying, then things will get better almost immediately. If you don’t like you, figure out why and fix the problem. I believed that I wasn’t interesting as a person, so I went out and started studying things on the side: computers, Taoism, leather crafting, sculpture… some of those things fell by the wayside, but I’m a much more talented human being than I was. And the four people who were there for me during the crisis are starting to be really greatful that they knew me, because they’re getting to watch me grow after they stopped me from falling. Feel free to email me, and feel free to make me a contact in Messenger (makes things much faster to chat if we are both online).
Oh, one final thing: a lot of what I’ve put down here could be interpreted as condescending, critical or just plain incorrect. That’s fine, I apologise. You just sound so much like the person I was that I want to tell you what I found out about being that guy.
Have faith in humanity. People can be selfish, but not if you don’t expect them to be noble. Then they’re just predictable with a few awesome surprises mixed in. I dare you to prove that people are evil or out to get you, because I’ll come right back and give you all the solutions you need to enjoy life and people. Oh, and believing in love isn’t something most people can do until they fully experience it… and it isn’t at all what we expect when we finally run across it. Love was hard on me, and frankly I hope for my physical health that I can go a few weeks without running across any more romantic emotions… but I’d do it again anytime after that, because it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever gone through… but then, you don’t know what I really do in my spare time 
Oh, and read the Tao of Pooh, if you can pick it up… life seems so much better after you realise that Winnie the Pooh was a master philosopher, and that it’s no fun to be Eeyore.
If you are thinking about something drastic, [ur=http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/]read this first.
If you need to bitch and complain, do it at my e-mail. I’m tough to offend, really, and I’ll listen. I’ll even try to toss advice your way, though I don’t know if I can really help.
Fixed link.
Listen to these people. It really really really isn’t as bad as it seems.
kgriffey79, what you are experiencing right now is your current reality but it’s not the only reality. Everyone, just about, goes through phases like this. But what you have stated is not the truth, it’s just your current opinion or perception. You said you had some good times before, but now everything sucks. Nothing is permanent, but this is what makes life what it is. It means that good times end. But it also means that bad times end. And problems that you thought were enormous in retrospect often become quite small.
At your age everything is amplified by hormones and everything is about you. So when things are bad you perceive it to be on you and about you. It’s not. Before you fully despair, try some of the things that people say here.
Here’s another thing to try: find someone who has it much worse off than you and go help them. Maybe there is a local center for kids without parents or for developmentally challenged teenagers. Go and spend some time with them and see how they handle the adversity that they have in their lives. It will give you a reason to smile and perhaps a different perspective.