I understand that that is one approach. But not one I agree with. I think that even 2 years old is not too young to communicate with a child that certain behaviors are not acceptable.
When my sister’s kids used to whine, she would tell them, “Oh me, I’m sorry I just can’t understand what you are saying. If only you would use your words…” Which I always thought especially clever and somewhat devious.
But do whatever works for you and your kid.
We use “use your words” a lot because that’s something my son struggles with particularly. He’s much younger though… almost four. (Eep.)
Screen time we have varied success with.
His thing right now is he wants attention all the time. I’m trying to teach him Mom needs a break sometimes. I get him from 4pm to bedtime many nights so I have started giving him 45 minutes to play with me right when he gets home, then I get 45 minutes of rest before dinner. I set the timer and warn him ahead of time. This has met with varying success. Usually he wants to be right next to me while he plays but will mostly leave me alone during break time. I am explicitly not giving him screen time as a distraction, but trying to train him to entertain himself sometimes.
He still has a frustrating manner of play with adults, where he just dictates everything he wants you to do and his enjoyment is watching it happen. Like yesterday he wanted me to create the numbers 1-25 out of math blocks, in a specific color preference, with the colors being exactly where he wants them. I don’t know how much to push back on this, because he gets pushback all day long at ABA and school, and maybe he should get to do what he finds fun after school. But it’s not very fun for the adult.
@Dinsdale I don’t think your posts are condescending. It sounds like you have good kids and you love them.
As soon as they have words. Whining and fingers moving for sippy cup should be stopped with “Please use words to ask for your sippy cup” when they do(might be mispronounced yippy, wippy or??), praise, praise, praise. It works.
You don’t have to be mean about it. In fact that would probably backfire on you.
Now, a 6yo(I feel like we discussed this before) whining because they don’t wanna get up and leave the Lego play to do something you need them to do, that’s a different animal. You state your need. They whine. You ignore the whining and repeat. Til it’s done. If it doesn’t get done, the Legos get put up. If they whine. Ignore the whining. State your need. Repeat til it is accomplished. Return Legos with effusive praise. It works.
This is why it takes so long to raise human children. Repetitive teaching takes many years.
(Oh, don’t forget they copy what you do.)
This. But often it’s so exhausting simply because I can’t simply “give in”. Like we have something to do and they need to get ready or one of them gets bored waiting for a bus or whatever.
And it creates this disfunction in our marriage. My natural inclination is to respond with fits of rage and anger. So in a way, that’s easier because all I have to do is not yell at them until it passes.
My wife is a different matter. It’s like she’s always anxious and depressed. And she doesn’t do well with any sort of conflict or ambiguity. And she hasn’t met a spilled glass of milk she hasn’t made a Federal case over. Personality-wise, she’s very “Waterfall” where I am more “Agile”. For her, everything needs to be planned out in excruciating detail and then micromanaged to death. I tend to focus more on general behaviors and outcomes. Probably why she works in structured finance rating complex economy-destroying financial instruments and I do Agile coaching and project management for a management consultancy.
Y’all could be such a great team with those talents.
LOL Putting up the Legos is more of a threat. In reality we allowed the children (and by “allowed” I also mean subcontracted work to their father who studied structural engineering in college) to build a sprawling The Lego Movie style city-scape across half the apartment. There’s really no place for me to put them all.
Also, I find it fascinating watching them play with Legos. They have all these backstories for all the little minifigs and minidolls (of which I count around 900) and there are Lego minifig versions of all our family members which they use as little avatars. Right now there’s some sort of zombie apocalypse going on and a bunch of Lego people are holed up in a six story apartment building.
Wasn’t quite that elaborate but Son-of-a-wrek had a whole scape of a Lego world in his room growing up. We thought it was big. Probably 4x4 and as high up to his desk level. It was sad when I had to dismantle it when he left home.
The grandkids love Lego. But they tend to go making vehicles and characters. Not quite as invested.
I meant take the thing away that’s keeping them from doing what you ask. Be it a phone, handheld video game, doll or book.
I agree with everything you said. People whine for reasons.
Often, they need something that they can’t articulate another way (like a nap, or calories, or loving attention). They do not feel heard or understood.
Ignore the tone of voice, and listen for what they are trying to say. Sympathize but don’t capitulate. “I hear how much you want that candy bar, and I’m really sorry you can’t have it” never killed any parent to say. “I know, I hate picking up my stuff off the floor too, but it’s got to be done. What’s a fun thing we can do together after the legos are all in the box?”
Getting angry, being punitive, can scare a less powerful person, like your child, into silence, into compliance – but it is destructive to your child and destructive to you. What gets in the way of your relationship with your child is your expectations, your standards that you believe it is your responsibility to force them to comply with. Letting go of those, or at least letting them fade into the background in a crisis, is going to help you connect with your child.
If I know one thing in this world, it’s that the anger I have around my expectations of others have never, and I mean never, led to a happy outcome. Ever.