With friends like these...

I’d do pretty much anything for my friends. Need someone to help you move? Need a warm meal and a place to sleep? Want an extra kidney? Just ask, if you are my friend I’ll do it.

However, there comes a time in every deep friendship where you can truly trust each other. And when this time comes, the game of “who can out-asshole the other guy” begins.

Oh sure, it starts innocent enough. You call their cell phone repeatedly at 3AM and leave joke voicemails. They retaliate by sneaking into your room and making Goatse your new screensaver. The next morning they wake up to a call from an Army recruiter stemming from the handy form you filled out in their name.

Well, members of the Straight Dope, I am currently losing this war. The last shot fired from the other side was big, and I just don’t know how to top it.

Ok, let me set this up. For the sake of anonimity, let’s call the friend Alistair_McCello, who most certainly NOT post on this board :wink: . Anyway, we are eating out at a Steak & Shake. He goes out to the car first while another friend (Matt) and I go up to pay. Matt and I get outside and the car is gone.
We had to walk back to Matt’s apartment. At night. Through road construction and heavy traffic. For 7 miles. SEVEN MILES!! It took about 2 hours. About every 10 minutes, **Alistair_McCello ** would drive by honking. He didn’t quit laughing for about 5 hours.

So I need a way to retaliate. Any ideas? What have you guys done in these situations?

I’m not sure about Doper protocol on Dopers helping to plot against other Dopers…anyway, he would be privy to any plan we cooked up and use it against you with terrible swiftness, no?
Cyn, married to Drachillix, who has to use her girlfriends to plot against him when needed.

I just wanted to jump in here to say: “Wow, that’s awesome!”

There are these things called, I believe, taxi cabs. You call up a place, and they’ll come and drive you to places, including your own address.

OK, how about these ideas…

  1. in the middle of the night get some friends to lift his car up on bricks. You don’t have to take the wheels off or anything unless you just wanted to up the ante just that much more. a couple of cinder blocks under the axles until all four wheels are off the ground should do it.

Following a recipe from MAS*H, you could tailor his clothes to make him ‘fatter’, ‘skinnier’, ‘taller’ or ‘shorter’.

Give us some more information on the guy. Of course if he does read this board, you might want to ask us to email you directly. :slight_smile:

My wife said the same thing to me as I read her the OP.
My response to her was basically "Dude, if they were eating at Steak & Shake, they probably didn’t have enough money to catch a cab!

What cracks me up is that you can’t even dignify this move by calling it a prank. It required no guile. He didn’t have to set you up in any way, or play to your gullibility, or even take time to set anything up. He just walked outside and drove off. Then he had the audacity to actually let you walk the whole way home, and to top it off, he drove by to laugh at you. Alone in the car.

It’s pure evil, and it’s hilarious.

Me? I can’t even pull off the “I’m driving away juuuuuust before you reach the door-handle” joke more than twice in a row without feeling bad and stopping.

Go into his home and squish, squash, and crush every bag of chips, box of crackers, etc… Then, open all the soda and beer in his fridge and just leave it in there to get flat. Do any of the rooms in his place have drop-in ceiling tiles? Cause if so, then I smell a fish in the ceiling (and, in time, so will he.)

If you’re feeling reallllllllly evil, you could install a shit ton of spyware and adware, sign him up for lots of pron spam for his work emails or whatever one he prides on being spam-free, etc…

You want evil?

Request info in his name/addy from the Scientologists in your area. Sure, other churches will send info too, but the clams will stalk you for decades.

Not for nothing, but after posting in a thread here about scienos, my husband got a piece of mail from them about 3 days later. Our internet bill is in his name.

We had a particularly assholey customer once, for YEARS we signed up for every email request thingy with his email.

I don’t want to name any names, but I may know this Alistair McCello chap. And in his defense I would like to set a few facts straight here.

First of all it was about a 3 mile walk and it took them 49 minutes to walk it (those numbers keep increasing with every retelling), but I did laugh for the next five hours or so.

Second I wasn’t the one driving, another friend was driving, I was just egging him on.

Third, and most importantly, we didn’t actually drive off from the restaurant. We just kept driving around the building every time that they got close to the car. They decided to start walking home on their own. And we only drove by and honked twice.

Captain_C…you may have to outsource. For a fee, I can make his life hell for a weekend.
In your name, of course.
I may have a few devious ideas that can be of use to you.

Wrap all of his belongings in aluminum foil.

Sew very small cocktail shrimp into the hems of his curtains.

Replace his shampoo with Vaseline.

Collect hair from a brush and burn it in his living room.

Replace all his DVDs with homemade copies of Clash of the Titans, the inform the FBI about his copyright breaking.

Trick him into eating his parents.

I like the way you think!

At my last company, a couple of guys opened up a can of sardines at another guy’s desk and hid them all over his desk - in drawers, under the seat cushion, behind the monitor … then they took the juice and rubbed it onto his phone receiver. Eww.

Now for the record, CC, should you decide on some form of retaliation that involves messing around with various objects in Alistair’s apartment and something of mine happens to be affected in the process, you may find that Ali’s retaliation is suddenly backed up with no less than a woman’s scorn (which as we all know is greater than any fury hell can provide).

However, should you need any insider tips on just what to mess up… My PM box is always open. :wink: Ali was daydreaming about Ira Glass again; I can certainly see how some form of revenge is needed.

Hmmm… Some of the classics.

Take out an ad in the local swingers paper with his number. Expressing interest in rubber underwear and harsh discipline.

Requesting literature from [insert nutcase organization here] for him will get him on their contact list for a little while. A five dollar donation gets him on the list forever.

Remove and/or swap the labels on all the canned goods in his pantry. (Though this runs the risk of incurring the wrath of amelioration. You decide the ROI on this.)

Oh CRAP! This brings back horrible memories of when my (then) 18 year old son decided it would be his goal to sigh up for anything that was free! Yeah that’s nice when he’s a senior in high school! Terrible when he moves out, and I’m stuck dealing with the people who want to follow up on the free bible they gave him, or the free book of Mormon*. We had people calling and coming by our house for at least 2 or 3 years after that.

*I don’t actually remember what all he signed up for, but like I said it was HIS GOAL TO SIGN UP FOR EVERYTHING THAT SAID FREE!!!

So, how’s it going? Decided to enlist my services?

Yeah, I got one you can pull on him next time he leaves his computer unattended…

Well, since your friend isn’t a member of our esteemed message board, it’s safe to post the link to The Avengers Handbook right here in the open, rather than in a PM. It has one or two decent pranks in it.