Or **Scylla, Master Wang-ka, **or Cervaise
I agree. I’m sitting here barely able to read the monitor because I’m trying to stifle my screams and it’s causing tears to squirt out of mey eyes.
How could I have been so selfish. I’ll go kill myself now. No, don’t blame yourselves for not stopping me though of course everyone else will including me.
Sampiro, can I autidion for brother in law Billy?
Now would be a good time to tell your sister you’re gay.
Sampiro I believe you must be channeling Tennessee Williams. I’m enthralled by your writing.
I’m sorry your family is so difficult.
Your narrative keeps reminding me of The Glass Menagerie, although, your mother seems to play both Amanda and Laura. And you; the voice-over narrator, Tom. (Gender is irrelevant, in this case.)
Hang-in, keep writing.
Put the .38 down, Padeye…
Mmm, the icing on this cake is so damned tasty!
Just daaaaaay-ummmmmm! Sampiro, bein’ a southerner I naturally have my own set of bat-shit-crazy-loopier-than-the-town-drunk-on-Saturday-night relatives to deal with, but I ain’t got nothin’ near what you got. Well, I do have the “went religious crazy” great Aunt but still, just ain’t as good as the combo of your mother and sister.
I cannot wait until the next installment!
Seriously, though, is there any way you can stop running interference? A few “uh-huhs” and "that’s interesting"s might go far to removing you as referee from this little fracas.
This is my favorite part:
Not many people can use type sizes so effectively.
May I please come to Thanksgiving at your family’s this year?
Hew. How you can go through all this and still retain your sense of humor is remarkable. My hat’s off to you.
You and David Sedaris know each other?
Sampiro,
I am so sorry. My mother is very very very similar to yours, and from Mississippi to boot. The only solution-- move to California, Hawaii, or Washington State. Your mom, if she’s anything like mine, won’t pay to call long distance, so you can choose your moments.
This thread is like some terrible, bloody, still smoking car wreck. You just can’t help but look.
“Look! There’s a head - or is it an arm?”
“No- I think it’s Sampiro’s mom’s dog with a cell phone shoved in it’s ass.”
I was gonna say the same thing! THis is the stuff great books are made of! I’d certainly be glued to it from cover to cover.
I was about to say something similar. Sampiro, have you ever listened to Sedaris? I think you might have a new career opening up before you.
Pffff! A woman’s gun. What? I don’t have “issues.” No, I dont care what my buddies will say. I have the self assurance to use any gun I want.
We need to get this on This American Life on NPR.
Sampiro, it’s too bad you’ll probably never meet author Augusten Burroughs, because I think you’d two would have* a lot * to talk about. 
But hey, if you make this into a book, maybe you’d get the chance.
I hope you’re feeling well enough soon to finish this wonderful horrible story.
I totally love this & want to work this into a conversation soon as possible…
but what the hell does it mean?!?!
How unfortunate. Family Drama is better as a TV show than a way of life.
Stuckey’s was (and I guess maybe still is) famous for being an interstate highway icon. They made their mark selling pecan logs – pecans wrapped around a nougat center, if memory serves. They were the forerunner to places like Cracker Barrel.
Sampiro, man, I feel for ya. I’d offer a place to stay to weather the storm, but it sounds like the area I live would just put you closer to your mom.